4.14.15 Live like you

There's this song, live like you were dying. Or something. That just seems so totally morbid to me. WHY? Don't live like you are dying. Live like you are living.

Today I struggled with this. For so long, I have been living, correction, I have been FIGHTING to live. EVERYDAY. I fight mentally (don't think about death, don't think about dying, don't think about funerals). I fight physically (lethargy, can't eat, eat too much, aches, sleeplessness, stomach issues). I fight emotionally, (don't let the kids see me cry too much, try not to be to angry with family, with friends. I fight spiritually (God, why? God, did I do something wrong? God, are YOU there?).

So here I am. Fighting. Everyday. Yesterday my Dr. said. He said something I have never heard him say and he even told me he's carefully to tell his patients this..."I'm not worried about you Rhonda, you are going to beat this." (something VERY close to this). I do as I often do when I hear something SUPER important, I shrug it off. Ah, yeah. Yeah.

And tonight as I lay in bed trying to figure out why I was so disrespectful to Bill, to the kids. I thought, Today, today I didn't have to FIGHT so hard. Today I should've lived like I ? I JUST should've LIVED. Not laid in bed feeling sorry for myself. I should've LIVED.

I will also admit here that I did take a walk today, the first in months. But I'm still beating myself up because I didn't ENJOY my walk. I didn't LIVE my walk. I just, I just walked.

So, I beat myself up. Because I did an life thing and didn't enjoy it. Well maybe it's been awhile. I DON'T know HOW to enjoy it. I forgot how to go out for coffee and truely laugh. I forgot how to run a mile and smile at the end. I forgot how to finish a project. Not for long though. I don't know whether I've got 10 more minutes or 100 more years. I'm going to make the best of it and I'm going to laugh, and smile and FEEL every moment of this life.

4.7.15 Sleep

Oh, sleep why doth thou evade me! I have not posted in so long. So it is late and I find myself here. Wishing sleep would come and with it, the new day. I had my tonsillectomy in February and am sleeping better, when I can get there. My meds were all kind of messed up, so I was off my maintenance/ chemo drug for a bit. Back on and doing good, just tired. Always tired. I feel old. You know how you see older people and they just seem to sleep a lot? I DON'T claim that for myself. Once I get into the routine with my meds, I'll be back running and kicking around. Okay, time to try this again. Love you, love me, love you, love me.