10.31.11 Happy Birthday Helena!

My brother Stephan and sister Sarah gave me a wonderful gift! Today I am a new Aunty! My niece Helena Charlotte Obed was born! 6lbs and 19 inches, she is an angel! During rough times of my chemo, I told myself, I WILL hold a newborn baby this fall! And I did! Praise GOD!
In other news, growing up my family did not celebrate All Hallows Eve (Halloween) and now as an adult, I really can't stand the 31st of October. ~(Just me) My husband went out Trick or Treating when he was a kid and so my kids dress up and go. I choose to have my own thoughts and ideas on the date, but I choose not to argue or push my ideas on anyone, including Bill. So that's what we did tonight. I sat in the car keeping it warm and I enjoyed spending time with my family. All in all, love you, love me, love you, love me!

10.30.11 Sunday!

Oh, I love Sundays! Sundays are relaxing and not feeling a bit bad about it! No church today, we missed it. I woke up too late. My sleeping schedule is getting all mixed up. With feeling tired (not sleepy, just tired) I end up sleeping in late and staying up late. My poor little Lelly is right with me. But I so enjoy having her awake with me, I can't bring myself to put her to bed (in her own bed). Cancer puts things into perspective and I feel as though I want ot spend as much time as I can with each of my kids. Not cause I feel like I'm going to run out of it, but because I feel like I've wasted (? not sure if that's the right word) a lot of time working and cleaning and maybe not paying as much attention as I could have with them. I love them so much and am so blessed! So today, just a bit tired no real aches. BJ has a basketball tourney this weekend in Wasilla so a family road trip it will be! Thanks all for listening... love you, love me, love you, love me! Oh, I finally fixed the webcam on my computer, :) yay contact with dad and kids!

10.29.11 Bad Day

The ugly side of cancer. Today was a downer. Was fighting depression today. Found it so difficult to get out of bed, to do much of anything, but I did and finally found myself coming out of it this evening. I ran into friends I haven't seen in awhile. The reality of finding more cancer and having to do radiation is setting in. It was one of the things I didn't want to happen. But I didn't want cancer either. I am finding strength, in my weakness. I was weak today. This (I noticed) usually happens after a day or two of strong days. But I want to be real with myself and with all of you. That I am weak at times. That I cry and say I'm tired and don't want. But I remind myself that I can cry and I can have these feelings, but then I've got to pick myself up (or allow someone else to) and move FORWARD. Love you, love me, love you, love me!

10.27.11 Chemo and Test results

I had a friend once tell me about a revelation SHE had. God had given her insight into the love chapter in the Bible. God told her to replace the word LOVE with her name. (We are told to be love...so made sense to me) She read the chapter replacing the word LOVE with her name, then she re-read with my name. At the time I cried and cried and cried, I saw, SHE loved me, GOD loved me and I was worth it. It was very early in my learning stages of loving myself. Since then I have had other very precious people come into my life and teach me that I'm worth it (you know who you are!). I've also had memories of friends and reconnections on fb to remind me that I am loved (you know who YOU are!) I also have met NEW friends in my journey though Breast Cancer who have shown me LOVE and that I am worth it! God has also shown me relationships that deserve restoration and renewal and given me VERY patient friends and family! So now the scripture,

1 Corinthians 13

 ¹ If I speak in the tongues^[a] of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. ² If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. ³ If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast,^[b] but do not have love, I gain nothing.
 ⁴ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
 ⁸ Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. ⁹ For we know in part and we prophesy in part, ¹⁰ but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. ¹¹ When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. ¹² For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
 ¹³ And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

So now my latest test results, I went in for surgery and preliminary results showed no cancer, however more "stuff" was found. It was tested and sent to the MAYO clinic for final results. The results have made it back and it is Invasive Lobular Carcinoma. Cancer, more. (*sigh*) Tears sting my eyes. I was hoping with a mastectomy (removal of the breast) I would not have to do Radiation. But with these results, I will have to do radiation. It's hard to imagine, more. I told my dad it feels like one step back, but I have to, in order to take two steps forward. How do I tell my kids? I tell my husband I am tired. Tired of being sick. I want normal. I cry and release. Then I pick myself up, realize all I have to be thankful for (they found this today and not 6 months or a year from now). I have a husband who cooks, cleans, laundry, carpool, cheers me up, grounds me, holds me, listens, he's my nurse and confidant, my friend and ally, he's in this with me for better or worse, richer or poorer in sickness and in health. I am so grateful and I am going to make it though this. I am going to have grand kids and I am going to laugh! God has a plan, and I don't know what that plan is exactly, but He's bringing me, my husband, kids, DAD, sisters, and brothers through. I know that YOU are going though this with me! I know by your love. I feel it everyday! Love you, love me, love you, love me!
(PS, I Corinthians 13:7  LOVE (RHONDA) always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.)

10.24.11 Itching and...

medicine issues. :( So I have to laugh, seriously. It's just one thing after another, but I think it's quiet comical, if nothing else. The side effects mind you. The issues I'm finding I have to go through it, mentally, emotionally and physically, but still at the end of the day, sometimes funny. I have this little jar in my kitchen I printed out (I think) 30 little things to love about myself to things to express to myself, love. Stuff like "go to the Library alone", "say something good about you as a mother". I pull one out and until I do the little thing, I can't pull out another. Some of them seem so simple but I realize I still have yet to do the activity MONTHS after pulling it out. But I really want to pull another out so I commit to it. Why I'm sharing this? It just helps, one to share and another to remind/encourage/be held accountable. I think I'm sharing this to also "get out of" sharing what's really going on. I'm trying so hard to not be discouraged by these allergies/iching AND then I run out of an important medicine that if I don't take it properly it can make me sick, and ohhh boy did it! I was so hoping to go to Olivia's basketball practice tonight and just got so sick from 3:00 to 5:30. Precious little girl was like "it's okay mom". What fantastic kids I have, soooo understanding and loving to me! Okay so it's the end of the day and I can laugh, laugh at you cancer, laugh at you devil, laugh at you side effects! You will not get me down and I AM LOVED! There's a scripture in the Bible, "The LORD appeared to us in the past, saying: "I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness. " Jeremiah 31:3. No matter how sick, how depressed, how unloved I feel, (no matter what I look like physically) I am loved with an everlasting love and I am being drawn with loving-kindness. God is good...(ALL THE TIME!) Love you, love me, love you, love me!

10.22.11 :) Still in bed, but not down!

Don't get me wrong, I'm not jumping on the bed either! So, initally we thought medical tape (I had an appointment on Wednesday 18th and had my second and last drain out), but now we think it's the cat, because it's been a couple of days. Cancer? Really? now you're going to take my pet? Really? Well, you can't get me down! I probably had this allergy before you even came around! HA! Without cancer I would've never learned to overcome my fear of flying (still working on that), I would've never learned about websites like cancer.org, I would've never met the oncology nurses at ANMC or Wendy!, I would've never learned that reality TV ISN'T that great, and my husband is the BEST! So other than feeling a bit tired of being in bed, but I'm doing okay and for a change, glad for the weekend! Thanks for letting me blog on and on...love you, love me, love you, love me.

10.20.11 Allergic Reaction

Another rough day physically. I woke up this morning with an allergic reaction... :( I had to take meds and Bill took the day off from work, (MY SUPERMAN!). I slept for 12 hours last night and another 4 today. Woke up and a repeat reaction. Another dose of meds and I'm sure I'll be back to sleep in a little while. My thoughts? At first discouraged. I miss my kids when I'm like this, in bed. I hate sleeping and being sick all the time. But I'm not. It's just the enemy trying to discourage me. I'm not sick all the time. I'm not in bed all the time. I am strong and I am going to get better. I'm going to keep a positive attitude and I'm going to get better. I'm going to use this down time to get better and be positive. I love you my friends for your encouraging words and love, love, love. Love you, love me, love you, love me!

10.19.11 Mourning my breast

*Please be aware a woman blogging about her breasts...with some feeling... :)*

A small piece of cotton lies between the scars and an empty sports bra. She goes through the day, laughing smiling, joking, and making the occasional "boob" joke with only sisters and very close friends. It's been two weeks since "it" left, and since then she's told everyone she's okay with it. It's to help her live longer, it's to save her life. She's not sad. "I was sadder to see my hair go". But in the last couple of days, she's thought about her babies nursing, and her breast becoming a part of her, of who is was. She grew up in a family, a modest family, girls weren't allowed to wear short or tank tops. Low cut blouses were out of the question. She had her rebellious moments with clothing and modesty, but always in the back of her mind, distinctly aware of the rights and wrongs. "You body is a temple" "A woman can cause a man to sin". These thoughts (scriptures) never far. As a wife and mother, now very acutely aware of these truths, she's been careful about her body. And now this huge event in her life that challenges her as a wife, mother, sister, daughter, friend, woman, and Christian. The floods open up and she cries. She cries like when her mother died. She cries like only a woman losing a breast would cry. The tears flood and her husband holds her. She cries for the breast that fed her babies, for the "friend" through puberty, marriage and now cancer. But this friend must go, she cries guiltily for not crying sooner. Good-bye, I say, goodbye. I love you, but must let you go. I am doing this to save the rest of me. Love you, love me, love you, love me.

1 week post surgery

I am tired and hurting physically. I'm okay with losing a breast. I am. I am so grateful to my dad, husband, aunt and uncle Paul for coming to Anchorage to be with me. We left to Anchorage October 2. In the days leading up to that day I was becoming more and more anxious, and nervous. I don't like the thought of "going under". It scared me. On Sunday I finally cried it out and told God, I don't want to die. I told Him that I want to see my kids grow up and be the mom I need to be for them. I cried. I love my kids and husband so much. I feel like I still have so much to give my kids, my husband, my dad, brother, sisters and friends. He answered my prayer and here I am. I am so blessed. I have a wonderful life and a giving heavenly father who loves me so much. Tonight I am in pain. more physically than anything else. I had a full mastectomy on my right side breast. And that is where the pain lies under my arm to my inner breast bone. But I think of the scripture "in my weakness, HE is made strong." As I sit here wincing back the pain, my son brings in a bag someone gave Bill to give me. A care package of sorts. I cry. I finally cry in pain. My aunty told me, if you need to cry, cry. God gave us tears for a reason. He loves me so much, he puts such loving people in my life. People who cry and pray with and for me. People who think of me and remind me daily that I am loved. I hope I can pass this love on. God is so good. He is restoring relationships, growing me as a wife and mother, answering prayers and living daily in me. As for a report from the doctor? They could find no cancer in either the lymph nodes or in the breast. My preliminary results show NO CANCER! Look, look what my God can do! There is no one besides Him. He is my all, HIS love endures forever, GIVE PRAISE! love you, love me, love you, love me!