11.30.12 Hands to create and care

 I have found a passion. I love to crochet. I love making gifts. Before I was ever diagnosed, I prayed. "Lord, bless my hands. I want to use my hands to create." My grandmother Louisa, she was an artist. I often heard stories of her making pants, skirts out of "leftover" clothing. She wove with birch bark, softened moose hide, strung thousands of beads. She crocheted, she knitted. She took care of her family. Growing up more than once I heard it asked of my mom, which one is going to be Louisa (referring to my sisters and myself). My mom smiled. She raised us, my mom, the intellect. She used her mind, her words, this is how she gave strength. This is how she took care of her family. As a child these words others asked, who? Who was the prodigy? Who would carry on the culture with her hands? ME! Pick me! But as I grew I would try different things, sewing with moose skin, sewing with a sewing machine, needlepoint nothing seemed to "click". When I met Bill, we had another couple that became good friends. K and I decided to learn to crochet. Her grandmother sent us books. We tried. Over the years I tried and tried. Finally the patience of a woman and her You Tube videos. And then, I pick up my beading. And then I find needlepoint. And now my hands fly to finish Christmas presents that I will forever treasure the gift they gave me to give to others. To take care of my family. Love you, love me, love you, love me.

***Quick update today day 4, nausea, but thankful that I can see to watch TV and crochet. Last round I had difficulties in this area and was really having to learn to "Be Still". This round enjoying my foodnetwork and handiwork. God is GOOD! Blessed that Christmas is right around the corner!***

11.24.12 Tears...Good tears

Hi kids! Today, today, today. What a day! Small Business Shopping. Fireweed Consignment, Inua Wool Shoppe, Alaska Raw Fur! First I drove my first born to his basketball tourney thing... :) I can't recall what it is called! Then shopping with Sarah Pie. Then a quick stop at Fred's and a nice quiet ride home listening to Christmas Music. Bill headed into town to pick up the man at his basketball thingy. Put Eliz down for her nap. This mean I curl up with her until she softly snores.. Next some beadwork for Christmas presents. Bill brought the big kids home. We listened to Christmas music, and the kids and Bill decorated the Christmas tree. I untangled bells. :) lol. Funny, but feeling so blessed, because last year I couldn't seem to move and I cannot for the life of me remembered who put the tree away, B says he and Olivia did it. Those crazy bells (a string of plastic red bells) look as though they were thrown, literally into the box. I'm still giggling about it. I am so much a perfectionist, this would've irritated me to no end, but instead I laugh! HA! With the tree trimmed we got all dressed up and took Christmas pictures. God has blessed us. Beautiful, healthy kids. A warm place to live. Christmas clothes! We are so blessed. LIFE! So, getting to this tears thing.
I have noticed in the last couple of weeks I tear up. I thought it was make-up so I switched. I thought it could be medication, but it's been happening longer then the meds I have been on. So last night I was praying, talking to God. "What is it God? What is happening with me? How come I rarely cry with emotion? Shouldn't I be crying all the time?"
"You are."
"Wait, what? When? I don't cry, am I going to now? I don't want floods and floods of emotion."
"I know. You are letting it out."
"Am I God? I don't feel it. I don't FEEL like I'm letting it go. It feels like I'm holding back"
"You letting it out, slowly, tear by tear."
"Why? Why not all at once? I don't want to all at once."
"Those tears. tear, by tear, You can't let it out all at once. I already felt everything for you. I took on your pain, your sorrow. You can't handle all that emotion, no one can. So I did. I sent my Son to be born and to die, to take your cancer pain and sorrow, because I love you."
"Thank you God, thank you God. Thank you God."
scripture: They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength, they shall mount up with wings as eagles, they shall run and not be weary. They shall walk and not faint. Love you, love me, love you, love me!

To me the wait, is giving it to the Lord, my problems, my sorrow, my pain. My cancer pain, my cancer sorrows. Blessed I tell ya! Blessed!

11.23.12 Round 2 Day 12~ Black Friday BFF

So, I feel AMAZING! I spent the entire day with my BFF, Bill, shopping. Almost a completely normal day, I still got very tired at the end of the day, but after a few minutes of sitting here in bed I got up and sang "Allalujah" to my niece Sissy. I tried to get Bill to sing with me. He didn't so I told her FLASH MOB FAIL... :) I am now sitting up enjoying leftover Waldorf Salad, hmmm, mmm! I am so happy to be up and around I can't seem to remember bad days (nor do I want to) or that I will be traveling back to Anchorage on Sunday. It's all... what it is, and I will NOT let it steal the joy I have in my heart right now. I love all of you!

Oh, I remember something else that happened tonight... As I was leaving my sisters house tonight, I heard a trumpet! *smiling*

11.22.12~ A Lesson and Thanksgiving

Wow! What a day. I was WAS so nervous about today. See I am one of those people who plans Thanksgiving like a month in advance. I have SPREADSHEETS for the Holidays. A control thing or a PERSONALITY thing. Less a control thing now I think. It turned out fine. I could've saved a lot of energy if I only wouldn't have stressed about it. But in retrospect, I didn't really stress as much as I would have in the past. So I wasn't able to cook the entire meal, but my dad, Bill and even the kids did a great job. It wasn't until LATE this evening I let it all spill out. If I tend to think too much and stress and think then it will spill out into angry words. Word vomit I call it. It's pretty nasty. Up until now I think I've done pretty good with keeping it under control towards my kids, but tonight a bit spilled out to them. I am sorry. I have told them this, but I want to tell them one last time, before we can move on. I want to blame it on hormones or chemo or stress, but the truth is I have the power in me to control how I DEAL with the situation. I may not be able to control the situation, but I can control how I REACT to the situation. I didn't deal or react in the best of ways, for this I am sorry. Now moving on, I love you guys, with all my heart and WE WILL GET THROUGH THIS. (As a note to readers/ newbies, my kids are still what I consider young [13,11 and 4] but I hope one day they can read through all this and gain perspective to help them :)
Now Thanksgiving...As I sit here and think, I am so very blessed, for...A husband I will grow very old with and hold his hand all the way. Beautiful Children that I will watch grow old. I am blessed to have, all of the people God has brought into my life, THROUGH this journey. And very blessed for my family... My heart is with you K, and the village of Minto. I love all of you. Love you, love me, love you, love me.

11.21.12 Round 2 Day 15~ Rough one

Another rough day. I should know by now, but I enjoy my good days too much to complain too much about my bad. Sleep is avoiding me. I do believe only those with insomnia will know. I always thought, "Oh, but then you get to watch TV or play on the computer or read or SOMETHING." I now have a deep respect for those who suffer from insomnia. It hurts to be awake when you are SO tired. You don't have the energy to do anything. And as I spoke earlier about energy, good things make you FEEL good and bring up your energy, negative things just bring you down. Me, bring me down. And therein lies another issue, this whole menopause thing. Talk about weird emotions! Going from crying to laughing to screaming inside and out. Poor Bill gets a big part of it. Please keep him in your prayers. It may seem like I don't complain much, but that's because Bill gets the brunt of it. I am continuing in prayer and pray over myself when I start to feel this way. Lots of love to you all. Love you, love me, love you, love me.

11.19.12 Round 2 Day 6 Vlog

Hey! it's me!

11.18.12 Round 2 Day 5 Sisters

On the up and up. Got up outta the house today. This is GOOD! For not the best of reasons. There was a death in our village, in our family. Our village family. Thus the title...
As most of you know I have 2 biological sisters, 1 sister-in-law, and  2 sister (cousins) and many, many other friends I consider sisters. Some of which have been in my life years, others months and some of you I just met. I consider us sisters, you share my joys, loves, sorrows, heart soars and heart aches. Today I spent a few minutes with two of you.We stood there. The three of us. Bound by love, bound by teenagehood and dreams. Bound, forever as sisters. One of us letting her mother go, another fighing the battle of her life and the other doing both and the three of us upholding one another, just as we had done when we were teenagers. It was like it was us against the world again. The door in the hospital opened up and I felt like I could rule the world, again, the three of us, before I understood the word sister, these women were called into my life. I love you B, I love you K. It's us. WE ARE GOING TO DO THIS! Love you, love me, love you, love me.

11.17.12 Roun2 Day 4

So lately my main reason for posting my rough days, is so that people will pray and that I can look back for a second and remember what I went hrough and give myself a pat on the back! Everyone has their challenges, there are days I want to give up, quit, God always turns me around. He is the vine, and I am the branches... He hangs on when I can't....I started this scripture a day or so before I started this round of chemo. It's been with me, reminding me that I am rooted on to Him. I am growing, living breathing off of Him, my heavenly father.  Today was restless, meds, tired, hungry, not hungry, not achy, achy. PEACE be still. This is is so difficult to learn for me here. And yet, when I find that peace, I wonder, is this it? Am I doing it? Isn't there suppose to be more? What am I doing wrong? and back to un-peace... restlessness. So I stop again, and listen. I hear the sounds of the television, the kids, my husband and I slowly slip into peace, realizing this time I deserve it and it's a gift. A gift of Peace Be Still, not a command....God is good. Love you, love me. Love you. Love me

11.15.12 Day 3 Round 2

I have to start typing out what kind of days I'm having. Today's been rough. I can't lie.I'm restless, I'm tired. I'm achy. I want to sleep, I can't sleep. I am soo very thirsty. But in HIS weakness I am made strong. Maybe more later. Let's just hope this is the worst of it. Love you, love me, love you, love me.

11.9.12 It's Just...Hair

Ah, the first time I shaved my head, I made this big ordeal about it. I cried, I laughed. Tonight, none of that. Just me, the scissors and miss Elizabeth. I just started chopping. My night didn't turn out how I was planning, so I started hacking. I felt like "Kicking Bird" in "Dances with Wolves". Mourning? No. Just irritated. Since my diagnosis, I've been planning this. I called a couple of hair places in town to see if they would do it for free. No. Ha. Today it was bothering me soooo bad. I have a friend that lives a few miles down the road, she's a barber. She said she would do it for free. I'm still not driving 1 week 4 days left, but I had no ride. I just can't ask. I feel like I've used all my free passes and don't want to ask for more. Just irritated. Now, now I feel liberated. I didn't cry. It's just hair. I'll cry another day. I'll feel sorry for myself another day. Today is a day to feel liberated. Free, free from hair. Free from styling. Free from asking for help with my hair (although I REALLY, SERIOUSLY did a chop job on it, and Bill will have to fix it tomorrow). Tonight, it gave me joy to lose it. I don't have to worry about pieces falling out. I don't have to worry about styling it. I don't have to ask for free haircuts :))) I don't have to ask for a ride into town. and I love myself. I love my bald head. I am so beautiful! As I was cutting I was reminded of a friend, forced to grow her hair long as a child, she now wears her hair very short. Fabulous. I love it, I love her, her strength. She taught me about confidence it how she wears her hair. Tonight for a moment I was mad at God. For a moment "Why God, why me, why again?" Then, blessed. I refuse to ask why. I am blessed to HAVE hair to lose. I am blessed with friends and sisters who when reading this will wonder why I don't ask for help, and love me anyways. I am blessed with a husband and a beautiful little girl, who when she saw me when all done said, "Mommy YOU ARE SO BEAUTIFUL". Ah yes, It's just...Hair. Love you, love me, love you, love me!

11.4.12 On the up and favorite things

Today, a beautiful day! My husband got some tea for me last night and it had this little tin in it. Oh, so CUTE. To date I have been carrying around a few tea bags and honey in a ziplock bag, this is wayyyy cuter! I went to church. AMAZED. I am amazed! Last night and this morning, my prayer was "Lord, if you want me in church, you're going to have to give me strength! And He did, beyond measure. Not only did I go to church, I went to the grocery store! My bff recommended I try ginger for nausea, and last night as I was watching "Chopped" one of the secret ingredients was ginger. The chef candied it. This gave me the idea to buy candied ginger and try for my nausea! This has cut my meds to half. It's a weird smell, and has an off taste, but I'm actually kinda liking it. I wish I would've known this years ago when I was pregnant with Billy. But all in perfect timing. I am home now, to my crocheting and this wonderful tea. My throw into menapause is another thing. Hot flashes, night sweats and really weird mood swings. I mention all this, because as far as I know I'm the first of my friends to experience all this. And I think, if my mom were here, stuff I could ask her about. So tonight I leave you, as I am feeling BLISS. So very BLESSED AND SO VERY BLISSFUL! Love you, love me, love you, love me.

11.2.12 Busy Day, Rough day

I'm not sure rough is being completely honest. Rough is flat out on my back all day. Which I pretty much was, but I find myself saying it could be worst. I crocheted most of the day. Made some head bands with flowers for my girls. I'm so blessed to have so many females in my family. So I can make for! And someday for daughter-in-laws and grand babies! I am so very happy to be home. I literally felt like I slept for 2 days. And part of me wished I could be sleeping away today. But God has me on a mission as long as I am breathing. So I will fight, I will continue on this mission. What is my mission? prayers? Posts? Elizabeth prayed for me tonight. She also said "And thank you God that I want to be a big helper." Prayer. Changes. Lives. Love you, love me, love you, love me.