2.17.13 Why

There are times in my life, where I wonder why. Why this? Why me? What am I here for? What, WHAT does God want? WHAT is my purpose? I don't understand. I don't understand why I am going through this crap. I don't understand who is benefiting from this crap. Lately, I've been down most of the winter. From chemo sick, fear of the flu, back issues, stomach issues, medication issues. My scripture this lasts two weeks has been "Be Still and know that I am God". God wants me still. For those that have known me since before my diagnosis, I am BUSY. I DO. I move constantly. I am cleaning or cooking or taking care of my family. I enjoyed being a Girl Scout Leader, a parent driver for field trips. I would go to Al-Anon meetings, mom's groups. I lead a Woman's Bible Study. I enjoyed going to prayer meetings. I enjoyed going to kids basketball and my husband's basketball games. I would randomly visit my sisters and bring them coffee. I cooked huge meals. I planned family gatherings. So to be here, in bed, or on the couch, I am bummed. At this point even moments out I'm not enjoying. I'm afraid of enjoying them only to have them snatched away.  I worry about my kids. I hate for them to see me in bed. I hate for them to worry. Everyday my 11 year old daughter comes home, "Mom, how are you today? Are you okay? Does your back hurt?" My heart hurts. I don't want her to worry. She's still a kid. My 4 year old worries about kicking me in her sleep because then I will have to go back to Anchorage. She believes her kicking me gave me cancer. My 13 year old, when he hugs me pats my back and will occasionally will rub it. I am suppose to be pat and rub his back. I know one of my sacrifices is to give my worry of my kids over to God. I share this, I share my heart with you so that you my friends will know how to pray for me. Pray for my kids and that I will have the strength to be honest with them and not to worry about them. I am reminded right now, This is my low point. I can't look ahead, I can't look back. I can only say this is how I feel now. It won't be this way forever. This is LENT, I am traveling the way of the cross, but it's not for me. It's not for my Glory. Easter will come soon, EASTER and the promise of resurrection and renewal. My prayer is that I am renewed and in order to be new I must shed the old... Love you, love me, love you, love me.

2.8.13 Friday and updates

Wow, it has been a bit of awhile since updating this! I know I have readers that follow me and I apologize for not keeping all of you in the loop. My blog has been a bit of a challenge for me. Writing ups and downs is almost like reliving them for me and it takes so much energy. I gain so much from it, I get to get things out of my heart and mind and let them go, but working up the nerve just takes so much energy! Again, sorry. But here is more details. I will also post updates on the blog as well (I'm still writing in my journal, just not on this blog).

Originally I was on 3 chemo drugs, these were to KILL the cancer. I was told when I started these drugs I would be on them for 4-6 rounds. I was also told I would have radiation on my left side, this would be after I completed my chemo drugs. These cancer killing drugs were really rough on my body. Vomit, loss of appetite, no taste buds, sleeping and or in bed for almost the entire 2 weeks before I would have to travel to Anchorage for another round. January 3rd I had my 5th round.

Note: My schedule goes like this usually: Travel to Anchorage spend the night in Q house (housing for patients) next day Blood draw and Dr. appointment. Another night in Q house. Then the following day chemo in the infusion room. This procedure is to ensure I am there and physically ready for the chemo. The drugs have to be mixed, but they want to make sure before they prepare them that I am ready.

January 15 I went in for my blood draw, CT scan and Doctor's appointment. My CT scan CAME OUT CLEAR! This means as of this day I am Cancer FREE! I am in REMISSION!

January 16 Infusion and as the nurses were setting me up, I was told I was done with the cancer killing chemo. I was so EXCITED!! Now I would start on two new chemo drugs. These are maintenance drugs to keep the cancer from coming back! The also are way less intrusive, no vomiting, no harsh side effects other than aching joints. The first drug Herceptin, I will still have to travel to Anchorage as it is an infusion drug (done by IV). The second drug Lapatnib is a medication I will take daily in pill form. This also helps in keeping cancer from growing/ spreading. Because I have had cancer twice, I will have to take maintenance drugs for my body, I am in remission and so very happy! My doctor's in Anchorage set up an appointment for me to see the radiology and start radiation.

January 30:Radiologist appointment- Fairbanks. Upon examination the doctor notices I have a knot in my chest. My lymph nodes are tender and I have fluid built up under my arm and behind my mastectomy scar. He calls in the Oncologist. They agree I should have a CT scan. The scan is done that evening. The next 18 hours are a lot of deep breathing and prayers.

January 31: My results come back, ALL CLEAR! NO CANCER! whew! I still have excess fluid built up and my radiologist would like to have it removed before I start radiation.

February 4: Early flight to Anchorage fluid removed.

February 5: Blood draw and Dr. Appointment I ask about the drugs I am on and how long can I expect to be on them. The Dr. doesn't know. It is a wait and see. I am not disappointed. It is what it is. I know several other people who will be on medication for the rest of their lives, and I can do this. I believe this is all for a reason, and I will live out that reason, feeling blessed!

February 6th: Infusion and fly home that evening. Blessed to be home with my hubby, kids, and brother!

February 7: Recuperating from Anchorage and this last week. God is good.

and today...I am feeling so very blessed to be here, to be typing to have my kids home with me. For a husband that supports me and for family and friends who care so very much! My hair is slowing coming back and I can faintly see eyelashes starting to come in :) I threw my back out yesterday, and today I am bed bound, I know it is a little message that I need to slow it down. Not try and take on the whole world all at once. Day by day, moment by moment...
Love you, love me, love you, love me