2.17.13 Why

There are times in my life, where I wonder why. Why this? Why me? What am I here for? What, WHAT does God want? WHAT is my purpose? I don't understand. I don't understand why I am going through this crap. I don't understand who is benefiting from this crap. Lately, I've been down most of the winter. From chemo sick, fear of the flu, back issues, stomach issues, medication issues. My scripture this lasts two weeks has been "Be Still and know that I am God". God wants me still. For those that have known me since before my diagnosis, I am BUSY. I DO. I move constantly. I am cleaning or cooking or taking care of my family. I enjoyed being a Girl Scout Leader, a parent driver for field trips. I would go to Al-Anon meetings, mom's groups. I lead a Woman's Bible Study. I enjoyed going to prayer meetings. I enjoyed going to kids basketball and my husband's basketball games. I would randomly visit my sisters and bring them coffee. I cooked huge meals. I planned family gatherings. So to be here, in bed, or on the couch, I am bummed. At this point even moments out I'm not enjoying. I'm afraid of enjoying them only to have them snatched away.  I worry about my kids. I hate for them to see me in bed. I hate for them to worry. Everyday my 11 year old daughter comes home, "Mom, how are you today? Are you okay? Does your back hurt?" My heart hurts. I don't want her to worry. She's still a kid. My 4 year old worries about kicking me in her sleep because then I will have to go back to Anchorage. She believes her kicking me gave me cancer. My 13 year old, when he hugs me pats my back and will occasionally will rub it. I am suppose to be pat and rub his back. I know one of my sacrifices is to give my worry of my kids over to God. I share this, I share my heart with you so that you my friends will know how to pray for me. Pray for my kids and that I will have the strength to be honest with them and not to worry about them. I am reminded right now, This is my low point. I can't look ahead, I can't look back. I can only say this is how I feel now. It won't be this way forever. This is LENT, I am traveling the way of the cross, but it's not for me. It's not for my Glory. Easter will come soon, EASTER and the promise of resurrection and renewal. My prayer is that I am renewed and in order to be new I must shed the old... Love you, love me, love you, love me.