5.31.14 What does it matter? part 1

Hmmm. So there a several things I am thankful for post-cancer. Yes, thankful for. I mentioned in a facebook post that I believe I suffer a bit from OCD. Pre-cancer I would have to say I was more OCD then now. Cleaning was this huge thing for me. I had to have a very clean environment and it was a never ending chore for me. I was miserable when things were a wry. In fact even in thinking about this sends my hearts a pounding. I still to this day feel shameful when I see previous landlords. I have to remind myself that I forgave myself and I have moved on.

      So, this also brings me thoughts of when I was younger. I was trying to think of just how young, and I would have to say prior to moving to Minto, during my time in Minto. When I left there at 20, I left with something different. I left with different feelings about myself. Prior to living in Minto I was a carefree kid/ teenager... I didn't have a plan or a purpose. I didn't care what others thought of me. I wanted a driver's licence and a pierced nose. I wanted to roll down the windows in my car and feel the wind in my hair. If it was -40 I would bundle up and crank up the heat (no joke) ask my bff SM! I wanted to love, I wanted to be loved. I wanted to sit at Denny's and drink coffee and write my memoir's! I was who I was and I was not ashamed or proud! And then... yes, there's and then... I turned 18 I had just finished another year in high school. No plan no idea of when I would graduate. Someone asked about school and around this time my brother told people I was in the 6 year plan.  Truly funny then and now. But this statement set me on a path! I was NOT going to not graduate, if my brother was going to. In other words I wouldn't let him pass me by. I moved to Minto. Ah, the possibilities! I could succeed here. I was popular here. I could do this! I wanted to do this! I vividly remember wearing shorts to school at -40 below. I was sent home, go change. lol. I came back with tights on under my shorts. I could wear my hair as high as I wanted, and 1. no one judged me and 2. I could care less. I could scream my head off at basketball games. I could run for school President, (my campaign was run on the slogan: NO NEW TAXES!~ and I promised off campus lunches, which we already had cause we had to walk to the lodge for lunch anyway). Life was, life was good! Summers were even better. Stay up all night walking around the village trying to find what was happening. Sleeping all day in the tent because my mom didn't believe in sleeping in all day. Every couple of hours she would come out to the tent and holler, get up you girls. Then high school ended.

     I was moving to the big city of Anchorage in the fall. I moved with my aunt and uncle. My other mom and dad. I attended a charter college. I saved money from my student loans and moved back to Fairbanks that winter. Trudged through the winter working and fighting to pay rent and bills. Ah the life of a college kid.

    All of a sudden, it MATTERED. Life mattered. What was I wearing? Who was I seeing/ not seeing? Where was I living? Pressure. pressure to be someone, to be SOMETHING in life. That spring I ditched the guy I was with and moved back to Minto. Was I still someone here? I lived. I existed. I was someone. I was one of the Bauchmann's. I was a Bauchmann girl. Fall rolled around and this time I was going to make this work. Why? Because my sister was coming with me. We enrolled together in college with several other friends. She was dorm living, we were going to find an apartment off campus. We made it through the first semester. And the second. Barely. Still who are you, what are you wearing. Who are you dating? and yes for all honesty, Where's the next get-together/ party?

     So fast forward to many years later. Husband and kids. Who's your husband? Where do you live? How many kids? What school? Now, I'm not saying everyone I know is like this or asks these questions. These are the questions I would ask myself. Who are you? Where do you work? and on and on. So then my breast cancer diagnosis.

     So when I was diagnosed, people would say, "Wow, how do you do it? How do you stay positive? How do you not think about dying or your kids or stuff?" I smile now. Wanna know? ;)

     Read tomorrow....
     Love you. love me. Love you. Love me.

Say wha? Proof that I graduated.

5.29.14~ Winter Update

Has it really been like 4 months? Wow. I am so sorry to my 5 followers and those who check in on me once in awhile! ;) ya know me! So, where to pick up? Maybe where I left off? So February. The month of love. i was thinking I was in the up and up of Spring, coming out of a looong and dark winter. Little did I know!
 As most of you know I grew up in the Interior of Alaska and a bit north. My father worked on the North Slope of Alaska, and our family for some time had lived in "State camps". These were set up for guys who lived on the slope for their families to be closer to them. We moved to Fairbanks when I was in the first grade. So this leads me to tell you of my extensive knowledge about COLD, DARK WINTERS. In Fairbanks it can get -30 or colder. This usually lasts anywhere from a couple of days to a week. Now the dark. We start losing day light and in December/ January it's not uncommon for most people to go to work before the sun rises and drive home after the sunsets. Please don't let any of this deter you from visiting our state in the winter. Yes, cold, yes, dark. But there are warm fireplaces to curl up in front of. Books to read, movies to watch. It's all a matter of how you choose to look at it.
   After graduating from High School, I spent one winter with my Aunty and Uncle and cousins here in Anchorage. From what I remember, it was cold, but more of a bone chilling cold. And it wasn't so cold you couldn't go anywhere. Anchorage is a city. I am saying this because I have lived here for one year and there is more than 1 movie theater and ample places to shop, work, go to school, etc. I enjoyed that winter fondly. I was broke as all get out (college kid broke). My aunt and uncle gave me food, shelter and unconditional love. The movies and McDonald's, wellll that's a different story. Remind me to tell you about my college days.

Movie night winter 2013

     So fast forward many more years. I am in the middle of chemo treatment, and move again to Anchorage from Fairbanks/ North Pole. This time I am married with 3 children it's the middle of summer. Fall comes around and we enroll the kids into school. Everything is VERY different. My kids attended the BEST charter school in Fairbanks. I hate to sound like I'm bragging, but what my kids learned there, really gave them a great start. So Anchorage, bussing, hot lunch, 400+ more students, just very different than what my kids and I were used to. In North Pole my husband and I drove the kids into Fairbanks for school 22+ miles round trip. We packed their lunches pretty much everyday. They had 1/2 day of school EVERY Friday. There was no after school homework club or any clubs unless we made an effort to sign them up (the school focused in on academics). So I had a lot to focus my attentions on in the beginning. Combined with this, Elizabeth was starting in on Kindergarten. We dove head first into the winter. Then Christmas Break. By this point I was missing my kids terribly during the day. I was so ill, and not just physically ill but PHYSICALLY TIRED. Going downstairs to get something to eat took HUGE effort. Mornings I was so sick and evenings my joints ached. I have to hand it to my kids. They came home everyday after school to check on me and tell me how they're day went. Most days I tried to be at the door to greet them, I hated them seeing me sick. It was during this time I just COULD NOT let people see me this way, so shut-in I was. If it weren't for the grace that abounds all and God sending me a friend who loved me through it, I really don't know where I would be right now. (Love you KC.)(Thank you CM and MM) After my kids went back to school in January, I hit a huge wall. I began staying in bed, more and more. I could feel myself fading away. Then the straw that broke me. Someone said something mean to me on Facebook. They didn't know what I was going through, had no idea. So I shut it down. My link to the outside world. I cut the ties. I started to look for ways to get out. Nothing gave me the craving I was looking for. I wanted to be surrounded, yet all alone. I wanted to be needed, yet I refused to give of my time to anyone else. Then it was as if I had this moment, aha! I'm not alone. I just think I'm alone. I just think I'm ALL alone here fighting. But I wasn't. See my FAITH, GOD was with me the whole time. I didn't explode into reading my Bible or praying. I just realized He is my friend, when I am unfriendly. I had plenty of friends I wouldn't let in. But I let Him in. I RECOGNIZED He is with me, always has been.
     And now summer. I am enjoying my summer break with my kids. I am doing laundry and washing dishes, cooking dinner and driving. Driving my van. AND I AM BLESSED BEYOND MEASURE! More on this to come later. Thanks for reading and sticking with me my friends! Love you~Love me~Love you~ Love me!