There's this song, live like you were dying. Or something. That just seems so totally morbid to me. WHY? Don't live like you are dying. Live like you are living.
Today I struggled with this. For so long, I have been living, correction, I have been FIGHTING to live. EVERYDAY. I fight mentally (don't think about death, don't think about dying, don't think about funerals). I fight physically (lethargy, can't eat, eat too much, aches, sleeplessness, stomach issues). I fight emotionally, (don't let the kids see me cry too much, try not to be to angry with family, with friends. I fight spiritually (God, why? God, did I do something wrong? God, are YOU there?).
So here I am. Fighting. Everyday. Yesterday my Dr. said. He said something I have never heard him say and he even told me he's carefully to tell his patients this..."I'm not worried about you Rhonda, you are going to beat this." (something VERY close to this). I do as I often do when I hear something SUPER important, I shrug it off. Ah, yeah. Yeah.
And tonight as I lay in bed trying to figure out why I was so disrespectful to Bill, to the kids. I thought, Today, today I didn't have to FIGHT so hard. Today I should've lived like I ? I JUST should've LIVED. Not laid in bed feeling sorry for myself. I should've LIVED.
I will also admit here that I did take a walk today, the first in months. But I'm still beating myself up because I didn't ENJOY my walk. I didn't LIVE my walk. I just, I just walked.
So, I beat myself up. Because I did an life thing and didn't enjoy it. Well maybe it's been awhile. I DON'T know HOW to enjoy it. I forgot how to go out for coffee and truely laugh. I forgot how to run a mile and smile at the end. I forgot how to finish a project. Not for long though. I don't know whether I've got 10 more minutes or 100 more years. I'm going to make the best of it and I'm going to laugh, and smile and FEEL every moment of this life.
Tuesday, April 14, 2015
Tuesday, April 7, 2015
4.7.15 Sleep
Oh, sleep why doth thou evade me! I have not posted in so long. So it is late and I find myself here. Wishing sleep would come and with it, the new day. I had my tonsillectomy in February and am sleeping better, when I can get there. My meds were all kind of messed up, so I was off my maintenance/ chemo drug for a bit. Back on and doing good, just tired. Always tired. I feel old. You know how you see older people and they just seem to sleep a lot? I DON'T claim that for myself. Once I get into the routine with my meds, I'll be back running and kicking around. Okay, time to try this again. Love you, love me, love you, love me.
Tuesday, January 6, 2015
1.6.15 Shattered
So this isn't going to be a depressing post, just something I was thinking about RIGHT as I lay down to sleep.
I have several friendships right now that are 9in my opinion) shattered. Right there in the middle of my path. Some of them a million pieces, some just a few. As I look at them I think, how do I fix this? Then I remember that I am suppose to be looking at my part of the street. I'm supposed to be focused on my side of the street. So what to do with these pieces. I have a few choices. I can sweep them up and set them aside to throw away, I can sweep them up and hand them over to my higher power, Only He can fix them or replace them or fix me to no longer need them. So that is what I will do. Trust that these will be moved and they are being taken care of. I hope this doesn't sound harsh to anyone. Just a thought I had to get out before I head to bed.
Today was my kids first day back at school, and as much as I thought I was looking forward to it, I also missed them very much. They give me life and energy each day to get up and accomplish tasks that a mother can do. Tasks that I truly love to do, how blessed I am to sign up for volleyball, cook dinner, Kiss owwies and make sure they are safe. I love you, all 4 of you my little ones!
Love you, love me, love you, love me!
I have several friendships right now that are 9in my opinion) shattered. Right there in the middle of my path. Some of them a million pieces, some just a few. As I look at them I think, how do I fix this? Then I remember that I am suppose to be looking at my part of the street. I'm supposed to be focused on my side of the street. So what to do with these pieces. I have a few choices. I can sweep them up and set them aside to throw away, I can sweep them up and hand them over to my higher power, Only He can fix them or replace them or fix me to no longer need them. So that is what I will do. Trust that these will be moved and they are being taken care of. I hope this doesn't sound harsh to anyone. Just a thought I had to get out before I head to bed.
Today was my kids first day back at school, and as much as I thought I was looking forward to it, I also missed them very much. They give me life and energy each day to get up and accomplish tasks that a mother can do. Tasks that I truly love to do, how blessed I am to sign up for volleyball, cook dinner, Kiss owwies and make sure they are safe. I love you, all 4 of you my little ones!
Love you, love me, love you, love me!
Saturday, January 3, 2015
1.3.14 New Year, New...
I kind of like to think of Monday's as my new year. Or the first of the month, or I don't know, just about ANY reason to start a new. Because if you are breathing you can start new anything in the next breath. On of the many lessons I learned from Al-Anon and Celebrate Recovery.
I started Al-Anon two months after my mom passed away. My life was unmanageable at that point. I kept trying the same things and getting the same result, nowhere. Today I am so greatful for these/ those lessons and I am in such a different place. But still breathing and ready to start something new!
I don't talk a whole lot about medications I'm on, my faux pas I guess. At one time I've been on like 7 meds and taking 10-12 pills a day. Craptacular. I HATE medication. I have a SERIOUS phobia of meds and becoming an addict. Recently I have been living with pain rather than taking medication. One of the chemo drugs I'm on causes serious joint aches, but there is no telling how long I will be on this drug so I refuse to take pain meds cause I just don't want to be on it for the rest of my life. I am moving more and trying herbal remedies. Soon I hope to be back to acupuncture, massage therapy and to see the chiropracter. I also have been suffering from anxiouty and that causes muscles to tense up and yeah. I think, and if I can complain for a minute, the worst part is, some meds I have to take in the morning and make me drowsy so I HAVE to take a nap before lunch. If I take these meds at night they counteract with my sleeping meds. Let me explain, you know how some people if they take too much of a relaxing med it has the opposite effect? That's me. WITH ANY kind of medication. So I have to weigh pros and cons with every medicine. So normally not really a huge deal, but with it being Christmas break, I want to spend awake hours with my family even though I do have teenagers who have CRAZY hours.
In hindsight, this is a good complaint. I think I'd rather complain about this than major stuff :)
So, my son spent half of winter break with my sister in Fairbanks and he came home today. Ah I am so glad to have him home! It's hard to believe it's Saturday, it feels like I've been living on the weekend for the last two weeks!
I suppose this is the point where I list my New Year Resolutions. My first is to live EACH day, EACH day and not to try and live tomorrow, today or to try and re-live yesterday. Live in the moment. I also want to say as I do and do as I say. These can sound so very vague so to be more accurate, I want to answer my phone more and not try and avoid people. I want to make it to church EVERY Sunday. This to me is part of living as I say I am. In the past few years I have missed a lot of church and I don't want that to be the case anymore. I believe church isn't a place just to "get something", but a place to "give part of me". I would like to volunteer or give of myself somewhere different every month. I want to try something new every month, a craft, volunteer work, a baked goodie, a book, something. And lastly, I want to learn to speak french. Voila! J'adore moi, j'adore vous, j'adore moi, j'adore vous!
I started Al-Anon two months after my mom passed away. My life was unmanageable at that point. I kept trying the same things and getting the same result, nowhere. Today I am so greatful for these/ those lessons and I am in such a different place. But still breathing and ready to start something new!
I don't talk a whole lot about medications I'm on, my faux pas I guess. At one time I've been on like 7 meds and taking 10-12 pills a day. Craptacular. I HATE medication. I have a SERIOUS phobia of meds and becoming an addict. Recently I have been living with pain rather than taking medication. One of the chemo drugs I'm on causes serious joint aches, but there is no telling how long I will be on this drug so I refuse to take pain meds cause I just don't want to be on it for the rest of my life. I am moving more and trying herbal remedies. Soon I hope to be back to acupuncture, massage therapy and to see the chiropracter. I also have been suffering from anxiouty and that causes muscles to tense up and yeah. I think, and if I can complain for a minute, the worst part is, some meds I have to take in the morning and make me drowsy so I HAVE to take a nap before lunch. If I take these meds at night they counteract with my sleeping meds. Let me explain, you know how some people if they take too much of a relaxing med it has the opposite effect? That's me. WITH ANY kind of medication. So I have to weigh pros and cons with every medicine. So normally not really a huge deal, but with it being Christmas break, I want to spend awake hours with my family even though I do have teenagers who have CRAZY hours.
In hindsight, this is a good complaint. I think I'd rather complain about this than major stuff :)
So, my son spent half of winter break with my sister in Fairbanks and he came home today. Ah I am so glad to have him home! It's hard to believe it's Saturday, it feels like I've been living on the weekend for the last two weeks!
I suppose this is the point where I list my New Year Resolutions. My first is to live EACH day, EACH day and not to try and live tomorrow, today or to try and re-live yesterday. Live in the moment. I also want to say as I do and do as I say. These can sound so very vague so to be more accurate, I want to answer my phone more and not try and avoid people. I want to make it to church EVERY Sunday. This to me is part of living as I say I am. In the past few years I have missed a lot of church and I don't want that to be the case anymore. I believe church isn't a place just to "get something", but a place to "give part of me". I would like to volunteer or give of myself somewhere different every month. I want to try something new every month, a craft, volunteer work, a baked goodie, a book, something. And lastly, I want to learn to speak french. Voila! J'adore moi, j'adore vous, j'adore moi, j'adore vous!
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