9.27.12 Insomnia and I Need YOU!

My body aches, my mind races...I am so tired. I can feel it behind my eyes. I want so badly for sleep, for real rest. My head pounds. It's all I can think about. Please body release tension, let go of ideas, plans, fears. Eyes close. Head, please stop pounding. RELEASE.
           Imagine, you, the hardest thing you've ever had to go through.That thing you had to go through, mentally and emotionally, physically. It may have only been a few moments or years. It may have been cancer, or war, or a marathon. Maybe it was having a baby or giving a baby away. Maybe it was death and letting go of a loved one. It could been an addiction or watching a loved one go through it. Now think, seriously of that moment you made it. The moment the doctor announced you were cancer free or the military released you. The moment you crossed the finish line. The moment you heard the babies cry or heard the wonderful news of how that baby was growing by leaps and bounds by a family who loves and cares for them. Think of the moment you relized that your loved one was in a better place and that you would someday be there. The moment you relized that you could do this, you could make it through an addiction. The moment you saw your loved one and they looked at you with clear eyes free from their addiction. This was me. I did it. Then I turned the corner, and was hit by a bus. The cancer bus.
       So many have asked me, what can I do, how can I help? My reality is that I have done this before. The first time around I didn't know how to answer this. Pray for me. Pray for Bill. Encourage my kids. This time I need you. I NEED YOU, to tell me I can do this. I need you to tell me I am strong, that I will have years ahead of me. The first time I KNEW it. I was telling everyone I knew, I've got this. I'm a fighter, I will win this. Now, now, this time around is a different fight for me. It's a different fight for YOU. I need you to TELL ME I'm going to make it. What if you're not sure? Are you one of the people praying for me? Do you think of me? Then you know the answer. I don't care how you think you may not be worth the answer of prayer from God. HE IS GOING to answer YOUR prayers and prolong my life. HE is going to prove it to me. So, to help me, say a prayer and tell me, I'm going to make it to my daughter's weddings and to see my son play college basketball. I am going to retire to a cabin in the woods with Bill where he will fish and I will crochet in a rocking chair. Or we will travel the world as missionaries...Tell me you love me. Love you, love me, love you, love me.

9.25.12 Teenage boys and...

...just teenage boys. To blog about anything more would be outrageous!!! So I have three BEAUTIFUL kiddos. The boy will be 13 here in a couple of weeks. The daughters still have a bit to go and a lot to go. Wow, where do I start? Teenage boys are messy, they smell funny, they know TWO looks, one is the "side eye". If they aren't doing the "side eye" they are doing the "eye roll". They only time they laugh it's when they are teasing they're sisters. They think testicle is a funny word and border line cuss word however don't EVER, EVER say breast around them, they die from the inside in. Speaking of which speaking to them in public is forbidden as is turning the radio up past 10, don't EVER sing to the radio even if, especially if it is a song on the top 40. They don't like ANYTHING you like. From hobbies to music to food. BUT, and here's what I love so much about my teenage son. He hugs me when no one is around, he smiles in his sleep when I sneak into his room and kiss his forehead. He smells funny, because he still needs his mom to clean his clothes and room. I sometimes let him sneak a cuss word like "testicles" in and pretend like I'm mad, then he laughs at me. (I hate the word breast, and die a little inside whenever I hear it too.) I like to hear HIM sing to the radio so I let it play as loud as HE want it too, and usually it's top . He likes my cooking by the sounds of his big burps, and that's okay. I love this kid...HE IS MY ONE AND ONLY, AND I am the first woman he will ever love and that's okay. LOVE HIM, Love you, love me, Love him, love you, love me.... 

9.23.12 On a rough day...

...far, far away deep in the crawlspace of your life lies a box. It's been open a time or two, it's not completely worn out. In it lies spiral journals, every shape size and color. They are not in any order, although through the years you've tried. You would have liked them to be the same shape, size color, dated neatly and one for everyday of your life, good or bad. But they're not, and now you realize, that's okay. This adds character and personality. Some entries have scriptures, some have curse words. Some are sermon notes, very little other than words you wrote either a year ago or ten years ago. No pictures or momentos, just words flowing from your mind and your heart. What ever did inspire you? Sometimes a conversation, sometimes a prayer group. Sometimes no conversation led you to that journal, simply because you had words to say and no one to hear right at that moment. So you wrote and filled the pages. Underlining important parts, filling your mind with information for later. Sometimes that later was later that evening, sometimes later that week. Sometimes later wasn't until now. You walk over and open the box, I remember this box. I have seen it, carried it from house to house. It has traveled with me. I know that the spirals will be facing out. I know that some were gifts from only closest friends and family who knew I journaled. But this time, right there on top lies a little photo album. My high school album. Filled with pictures from my senior year and the summer after. I pull it out and carry it up to my room, and laugh and laugh and laugh! From the crazy outfits and hair to the smiles on each page. Most pages have my own picture on them and I realize I loved myself before I knew what a great person she is. And I send photos to my sisters and laugh. Tears roll and I laugh, so on my next rough day, I know I have an option. I have the option to search for the "mom jeans" and the smiles and the laughs of a little photo album held in a box full of journals and words.

9.21.12 Great finds...

A few websites that I found have freebies for cancer patients....



http://www.heavenlyhats.com/heavenlyhats/request+a+hat+package/default1.asp

www.goodwishesscarves.org

9.19.12 Insomnia and Prayers

(note: it's very early in the morning 9/20, but for the sake of keeping up everyday on this blog)

Okay after an hour of laying in bed praying, contemplating, thinking, dreaming, planning and imagining, I am tired. First, don't EVER think I don't complain, cause that's about what I'm going to do. My rants tonight are sleep meds. I DO NOT like sleep meds. I have tried several. Everything from natural stuff to the high powered junk. They ALL make me either drowsy the next day or don't work. I HATE being drowsy during the day. Growing up, it was a bad thing to sleep during the day. The day was for working and keeping busy. Night was for sleeping. So with this mentality, I'm not a fan of sleeping in. I do like naps. In fact for as long as I can remember, I've needed a 2:PM nap. I remember working and everyday at 2PM, I took my lunch, cause that's when I was most tired... and I had to pick up my kids from school. The same is true 4+ years later. I still need to pick up my kids, so no nap. :( So my thoughts run this evening. I pray for everyone I can think of. I start with my kids, husband, brother, sisters, dad, uncles, aunts. Then the facebook friends. I go through and occasionally (okay, more than that) I get sidetracked. I think of my kids, how much I love them, things I can do for them, and why hasn't Lelly moved back to our bed? Then my friend's baby Palmer and I start praying again. Then I start to rant about not being able to sleep, then I think of things I should feel blessed about, because this gets my mind off my rants. TRY THIS. Say someone cuts you off in traffic or something REALLY irritates you, quick think of three things to be thankful for. Even if you're not TRUELY thankful for it. Even small stuff. "I have a car". "I don't have cancer". "I am breathing". If you're still cranky about being cut off, think of three MORE things. Different things. "The sun is shining". "It's not 40 below". I didn't hit that guy." Okay so I do this. Tonight and usually on insomnia nights, I am thankful I don't have chronic illness. Brain illness that causes DAYS of sleeplessness. Cancer for the 4th time. A sick child. A sick spouse. A sick sister/brother/dad/aunt/ uncle. These people are my hero's. Kristy! Wendy and Chris! Shauna! Candy, Rachelle, Eric, Heather, dad, Laurel, Aunty, Uncle Paul, Daniel, Chris, Ramanda, Sarah, Mindona, Hank, Steven, Stephen, Kevin, Uncle Edmund, Aunty Garnet, Uncle James, Aunty Louann and Aunty Bessie, Vera and UNCLE Josh! YOU people are my hero's! I love you all and late in the WEEEEEE hours I think of you and say a grateful prayer for you. Okay. Round two of trying to sleep, if not, more prayers. Love you, love me, love you, love me!

9.18.12 Again...

Here we go again. Poor Bunny the Cancer Free Bunny. :( That was a sick kinda joke. Today. Today. My doctor called. Cancer again. Who? Who gets cancer twice? Well, me I guess. Tomorrow the tumor board will meet. This is a board of doctors (surgeons, oncologists, nurses, etc) that meet every Wednesday at Alaska Native Medical Center. They go over patients and care plans for the patients.
                Tomorrow they will go over patient "Fighter". She is a 38 year old female. Previously she was diagnosed with Invasive Lobular Carcinoma, stage 3. She had a mastectomy of her right breast. She recently found a lump in her left breast, a surgical biopsy was scheduled for last Tuesday. Upon further investigation it was discovered the mass recorded was significant in size. A lumpectomy was performed. Pathology reports confirm that cancer was found.

What happens next will be determined by this set of doctors and they will call me tomorrow afternoon. I am, I am... tired?
2 Corinthians 4:16-18
¹⁶Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. ¹⁷ For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. ¹⁸ So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

I will not LOSE heart, don't lose heart with me... hang on with me friends... Love you, love me, love you, love me.