So, after 15 minutes of searching the Internet for my blog spot... :/ Here I am. I think about this blog a lot. My excuse this time is my laptop. Kaput. Sent it off. It got lost. All of my favorite sites, etc. were on it an easily accessible. So yes a loss, but we are blessed to have a home computer, it's just a matter of sitting down and typing at the computer desk in the living room and not in the comfort of my own bed. Ah the comfort of my own bed. At times a prison, but for the most part a retreat. Then my retreat slowly turns into a prison without me even me noticing. My last entry detailed me wondering who I am, what I am doing. I am beginning to believe life is this journey of find who we are, what we are called to do. I am a Christian, I know I am called to follow Christ, but I want more. I want more than Sunday mornings and the occasional Wednesday Bible Study. I want to live out loud. I want to share my story. I want... to make a difference. It seems that a simple blog, is just that. Too simple for me. Does anyone even read this? Do I make sense? I told friends of mine once, if someone were to knock on my door hand me a plane ticket and tell me to pack up and go to Africa, I would. In a heartbeat. But if God were whispering to me, "type your story today." I fall apart. I don't have time, energy, I don't see it making a difference, I lost my laptop. I can't really think of how to put into words what's going on. (That ones just a blatant lie). So here I am. I watched a movie this morning called Mary and Martha. About two mother's who lose their son's to Malaria and their fight to gain awareness. I cried and cried. My heart is still very, very heavy as the tears begin again to form. My husband tells me I have this huge heart. I do. I have a heart for the sick, the hurting, the dying. My heart literally breaks. So now my diagnosis/ treatment update. I am currently still "No Evidence of Disease". What I and my close friends like to call NED. I have been going through Radiation Treatment for about 6 weeks. The last couple have been very difficult, for several reasons, I believe.
1. I was doing FABULOUSLY before radiation. Up around doing all kinds of things, even running. RUNNING! Baking, cooking, taking care of my family. Things I feel make me who I am. A mother, a wife, a sister and auntie.
2. I told myself I would not, WOULD NOT, let this get me down. I would not get burned or sick or tired. I was going to run my way through this.
3. (Which should probably be NUMBER 1) I lead myself to believe I was going to control radiation treatment. I was NOT going to let radiation control me.
So here I am. Been bed-bound for 2-3 weeks. Burns so severe I couldn't barely get out of bed and I attribute to nausea. My skin very red and blistery. My main burn is underneath my left armpit about the size of a softball. Red as Christmas, leaking, okay, okay too much info. Painful. Scale of 1 to 10, a 6 constantly as bad as a 9 (almost passing out). Crying during radiation (treatment has been everyday and takes about 20 minutes) and later in the evening. As a note, it doesn't hurt DURING treatment usually in the hours following. Also please be aware this is MY reaction, and everyone reacts differently. I heard some horror stories before I ever started this and the first time around (my first diagnosis)I let those stories be how I was going to go through it. This time, I would have to say has been worst, but I'm also NOT done. I have 2 YES 2 treatments left. I was given 4 days off about 2 weeks ago. Then I had another treatment last Monday and given another week off. I was to go in this morning and couldn't. I just couldn't. I called and have an appointment this afternoon. I don't feel strong. I don't know if I can do this. I want so very desperately to give in. To quit, to throw in the towel. To say "the heck with it". I want to hide in my room and cry and feel so very sorry for myself. I want to be angry at cancer and my doctors and genetics. I just want to give in. So here I am typing to myself. I'm going to do this. I know I am. Because I don't think I can stand to come back to this computer and tell the bloggesphere I quit. I don't want my kids to read this and think I am a quitter. I don't want those who are fighting with me to see me walk off the battlefield. I want other cancer survivors and those fighting addiction to know that you can do this. If I can do this, you can do this. Love you, love me, love you, love me/.
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