6.18.13 The deciding factor, to move

As I lay in bed with insomnia... errrggg! I started to think, why is it we have decided to move to Anchorage/ Mat-Su? My first thought was "welllllll..." and the list of reasons poured in Bill's job, my treatment, childcare, schooling, and on and on. And somewhere in there.."God is calling us to Anchorage." Seems kinda normal typing it out. Ah, but my first thoughts were, "Really?" I didn't hear Him call me to Anchorage. I simply said yes, when Bill first approached me about the idea several months ago. So, is it possible...That God is calling us and first calling the head of our household? Oh, absolutely. For me, this is major. I'm not in control, I'm not leading. And yet, I'm not following so later I can say "Welllll....this wasn't my idea. I didn't want this to happen". Nope. I'm okay. I'm okay with the move. I'm okay with God calling us as a family. I've actually learned something in the last 3 years about giving up control and releasing what I think, or how I think things should be done. I'm happy with how things have turned out. CRAZY, I know, right? But I am so much happier today than I was 3 years ago, 5 years ago, even 15 years ago. How do I know? How do I know I'm happier? Because I smile more, I forgive more, I let the little things go by. Oh, I still have issues. This insomnia? It's not due to lack of meds or time or whatever. Back to happiness. I love to be around people at the "Native Hospital" (ANMC, Alaska Native Medical Center). I smile soooo much more. I don't nearly yell at my kids like I used to. I find things to laugh about. I smile when things are going all wrong. There's a plan in there, not my plan or how I would plan things to go, but yes a greater plan. and I'm so OKAY with that.Take me, take us where YOU would have us to go God. So, I'm not in control, but I'm happy! I'm blessed, beyond measure. That I can live with today. And tomorrow? Let tomorrow worry about itself. Love you, love me, love you, love me...

6.5.13 Growing Up Young

Ah, my nephew's birthday yesterday. I cried. I wonder why kids have to grow. Why can't they be babies forever? Why can't we just hold them forever? I think back to even a few years ago, working at a high school, the students there were like my kids. I remember the Spring and graduation. The excitement of moving forward, growing up. And yet the air of apprehension. Parents and teachers with mixed emotions of watching "their" kids off. My mom was a big believer in not wanting kids to grow up. I remember her telling me all the time, she didn't want me to grow up. She would hold me, even as a teenager and later when I became a mom. During rough times she would put her arms around me, rock me and tell me she loved me. I felt 5 again. I didn't want to grow up. But these moments lasted just that. A moment. In the last couple of years I have missed so much that hug. During treatments, tests, recovery, flying, crying, laughing. But one thing I have learned. God has been with me,
"Do Not fear, for I have redeemed you, I have summoned you by name; you are MINE. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; And when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through fire you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze." Isaiah 43:1-2
I am so very blessed to have grown so very much! And even more blessed to continue to grow each day! Love you, love me, love you, love me.

New Beginings New Challenges 6.4.13

First let me apologize for not keeping up on this like I could have. Still struggling with putting it out there. Maybe it's because I have something important to say and I am demeaning it in my head. Which is wrong because then I am essentially robbing someone else of a blessing. Okay anyhow.
My diagnosis...No change. I am still Rhonda McAnulty patient number, dob, NO EVIDENCE of DISEASE!
Treatment: continues on Herceptin (maintenance drug) and ??? slipped my slippery brain (another maintenance drug. I will continue on these two drugs every three weeks in Anchorage until as early as November and as late as January.
Later Treatment: we'll cross that bridge
Update on previous treatment: I was on Radiation that lasted about 7-8 weeks. This ended about 4 weeks ago. The radiation caused very painful burns, itching, peeling, oozing, yeah, all the fun stuff. But I lived and am still here smiling and chatting away a storm. I still am having some of the burns itch, peel and burn, but I have a follow up next Monday :)
Now the maintenance drugs, I had an infusion yesterday and the meds caused some major itching. A minute or two later I felt a heaviness on my chest, I knew there was no pain. I remember thinking of my son and a few years ago he was given an anti-anxiety drug. As he was getting woozy he said "Mom I feel like my stomach is floating." This is now how I would describe how I felt yesterday. Except instead of floating I felt pressure or a heaviness. This is my second round with this new drug. It was scary for a minute, but I knew I was in good hands. Bill was there holding my hand. I was given antihistamines and then crashed to sleep. I started the infusion again, I had almost finished all of it the first time. Fell asleep and woke again to itching. More meds, more hand holding and more drowsiness. So as I think back I wasn't that scared. Suppressed emotion? I felt like I was going to be fine and in a few hours I would be on a plane, flying home to my kids. Oh, and hungry. I was hungry as all get up!
So today. It's according to school kids on summer break everywhere, still morning. I have had my morning coffee and devotionals. My new challenges? I have recently spoken about wanting more from my spiritual life. I start today with prayers that I may become more a willing spirit, an obedient child of God. I want what God wants for my life. Be that a wife, mother, blogger or cupcake extraordinaire!
I am so blessed to go to Anchorage every three weeks. I am so blessed to walk around the hospital passing out smiles and prayers, words of encouragement. I am so blessed that I have been given this opportunity. My prayer now is to be obedient at home as obedient as when I walk out this door. I am loved and free to love. Love you, love me, love you, love me.

PS a huge shout out to Wayne, Millie, Rona and Eric/Danny, the WONDERFUL nursing staff at ANMC Infusion room. I wish everyone could meet these wonderful people, but maybe not so much in the infusion room. Take my word for it, they ARE the creme De la creme!