6.10.14~~ The Accident

So I witnessed an accident today. Actually a lot happened today.
We're still moving stuff. Mainly odds and ends, books, papers, everything in the refrigerator and freezer. hahaha. Liz and I made the trip into Anchorage.
I woke up especially early today. The cable man is set to come out and I didn't want to miss him. Ah, how I wish TV wasn't such a big thing around here, but it is, for now. I had a small list I texted Bill of things I wanted to get done. Several letters that has to be mailed and as I was making the drive this morning/ afternoon, I was behind a bread truck and realized I had wanted to stop at the bread store. I think I made it right at a drop off. There were boxes and boxes of all kinds of bread, chips, all kinds. Everything was like 1.50, crazy good!
Then to the post office, again, no line, no waiting really.
To the townhouse. I had to pickup the paperwork for the post office here in Wasilla. I loaded up the van. As I was packing the fridge, which I hadn't planned on doing, but I really didn't want to go grocery shopping with all the groceries we had in the fridge and freezer. A tub of gravy fell out and onto the floor. My first thought and I actually said "Really? Now?" Then I had the immediate thought, maybe this was planned. So I happily cleaned up and finished packing the van. I got in and headed out. I knew I was going to take the highway to the new Natural Pantry store to check it out. I got behind a truck, which made an abrupt stop. I waited to get out on the highway. After a few moments I noticed there was a van in front of the truck with a badly crushed in tailgate/ bumper. Then I saw the driver of the truck get out and on the phone. No one from the van was getting out. Uh-oh, accident. Do I pass? (By this time at least 6 vehicles had passed) What do I do? I actually thought back to those videos they make you watch in First Aid Class. Move to safety. I pulled around in front of the van. I instructed Liz to sit. I walked back to the van, the driver's window was partially down. But I noticed the driver was in the back with several passengers. "Is everyone okay?" Yeah, yes, I think so yeah. Can you do me a favor and open my door, do you see my phone?" There it was on the floor. I handed it to him. A woman was upset in the back and the passenger was an elderly man. I walked over to the passenger side door.
"Sir, are you okay?" He was in a wheelchair, his arm was twisted behind him and wedged between the wheel of the chair and the chair. "Sir, are you okay." His eyes were glazed and pupils dilated. Oh, man. Oh, do I move him? He said something about his leg and I noticed 2 pieces of glass on his face. "Sir, you have glass on your face, I'm going to just brush it off." I could see it was just laying on top of his skin. His eyes seem to brighten.
"Thank you".
"Oh, it's okay. Look, I'm going to touch your hand, please tell me if it hurts."
"My leg".
"The police are coming sir," I slowly touched his hand and could see his arm wasn't twisted too bad and easily removed his hand from the wedged area. He looked relieved. The woman in the back was calming down. Pray. Pray. Pray. I kept hearing this from the time I stopped.
The police came. She took my driver's licence. The drivers were both off the phones by now. Do you mind if I pray I asked the driver and passengers?
"No, go ahead".
I prayed. Oh, my heart was hurt, but it was like I was back in the Peace bubble. I got my licence back and told everyone I had to get going. The ambulance was there and I didn't want to be in the way. As I drove away the impact of what I saw and my reaction caught up to me. I called Bill. I told him everything. I realized, had that gravy not spilled, had this, had that happened or not happened... I prayed again. Thank you God, Thank you that everyone seemed okay. I feel blessed that... you know have you ever wondered if you make a difference in other's lives. I mean besides family and friends, am I helping someone else out? After thinking of all this, I just want to encourage EVERYONE, if you see something that doesn't seem right on the highway or roadways. Please stop. It could be that YOU make the difference. I'm not telling all of this for ANY pride/ praise, I'm telling you this so that YOU can make a difference, whatever you CALLED to do, there's always opportunity to help others. Love you. Love me. Love you. Love me.

6.3.14 Oh Happy Day!

The McAnulty's!

WE GOT THE HOUSE! As I type, Bill and William (Billy) are making trips with some of our furniture! Blessed for my bro-in-charge, I mean in-law and beautiful sister C for the couches! I can't wait to curl up in the chair and read my book! I wish I could savor this very moment as much as I had craved in the past for time to MOVE on... My kids will finally have their own rooms, I will have my own bathroom and ahh, i am just so excited! So the packing begun last night (actually over a week or so ago), I didn't say anything, I didn't want the realtor to find out :/ . I'm not superstious, so my thinking was if we move, we move, if we don't, we don't. I am so very excited to pack and to find what our new mission field will look like! In other words, what kinda work we'll be doing for God! Okay so remember I was talking about high school and my memoirs? Well I had written some of my thoughts out and have carried them with me. I had wanted to share this, but have run out of time this evening. Please know that I love each of you and share in my joy. Love you, love me. Love you, love me.

6.2.14 Challenge! Landlord!

A monumental day. Crazy busy. Crazy. But I got to spend most of it with my husband! So very emotional and for me, as I told Bill earlier, this day was the most stressful day I have had in 3 years. Going through treatment, I kind of KIND of knew what to expect. I knew I was gonna be tired and sick and achy. I guess I mentally prepared myself for the physical stuff. Today was a day I had no idea WHAT to plan for. I broke. I broke down. My faith faltered and I asked, "Why, why is this taking so long?" When? When is this going to end?" What? What does it look like on the other side of this?" But I lived, moment by moment.

Bill and I are on an adventure. We are getting ready to move. We are trying to buy a house. This has been something we have wanted to since day one. We have tried several times. Not enough credit, too much credit, over credit. We have prayed. I have begged, pleaded, and yes probably even bargained with God. I just want a place for my kids to grow up. A place we can call our own. A place where we can hang stuff on the wall, a place where I can make it my own. I also have fought the "system". Meaning landlords. People who can show up at anytime. A place where if something breaks and I try and fix it, I am liable. A place where if I didn't like the yard or wanted a cat, I had to answer to someone else. I have not been very good at answering to others. (HMMM, is this why I don't like to answer my phone?)

I have been so very blessed in my places of work to have supervisor's and bosses who really cared for me and my well being. HF gave me confidence to work on my own TU taught me to leave work at work and leave it at the door! AM gave me room and taught me so much about myself, EA stood up for me. RC stood up for me, gave me responsibilities and encouraged me and showed me a boss could TOTALLY be a friend! MW showed me I could go ANYWHERE and that I had potential! EL loved me, stood up for me, gave me room to grow, and had the most gentle spirit! (OK, had to throw some shout outs!)

But landlords. I have always had trouble dealing with them. It's NOT them it's ME. Let me work this out. I don't like to feel looked upon. A boss is like a mentor, showing you teaching you and you grow professionally. My work load shows my answers. I am visual. My home is a reflection of me, but I don't own it, I cannot fully expose me. Does ANY of this make sense?

Maybe, maybe I have lacked confidence in myself as a tenant. We never trashed a place (holes in the walls, burnt the place down). I have never took advantage of anyone, lived for months without paying rent. I think I have lowered myself below my landlords and therein lies my issues. A landlord is an owner an overseer. They have given me the responsibility of taking care of their property. My lack of confidence that I can do that, means I have to blame someone. So I blame the one holding the standards, the landlord. I totally meet the standards of a great tenant, especially given some of the situations I have been placed in. Remember me painting my living room 2 weeks out from chemo. Something I haven't told ANYONE by the way... so I painted my living room, right. I moved ALL the furniture painted. Went picked up my kids. Did a second coat. I had not eaten all day. I was on the verge of passing out. I am SO grateful I made it into town 2 times that day. Not one bite to eat all day, running off coffee and complete euphoria (and paint fumes) of accomplishing something on my own! I remember several times that day being so dizzy, I thought I was going to end up in a paint bucket. I learned a lesson that day, EAT, take care of yourself! and I learned today from that day. I am a pretty good tenant in my book. I would rent to me, sure. I sure would. She's a pretty nice gal, a little on the fickle side, but charming none-the-less. Love you. Love me. Love you. Love me.

Thank you all for being patient with me as I figured this out...

6.1.14~ WHAT DOES it MATTER? part deux!

Bam! The diagnosis. I was hit with it. I was home alone, the phone rang. I went numb. Completely and utterly, unavoidly numb. I called my sister. I wanted to scream. This is happening to someone else. This cannot happen to me. Then a fog. I cried, but it felt forced. Everything felt forced in my life. I guess this is what people mean when they say your life is spinning out of control. You WANT to care, you WANT to stop/ live/ cry/ scream, but it's spinnning and it all feels so forced. Un-natural? What is that? For me I've described it as a bubble. This bubble forms over you. A protective bubble. Like, well when a kid trips or gets hurt, there's that 1 second... Literally 1 second where there's silence. Some parents have learned if you say "It's okay" and make no big deal of it, the kid follows suit. But if you throw yourself into a frenzy, the kid catches this emotion and falls apart. This bubble is that 1 second, a protective covering. It doesn't last forever, so live that as long as you will allow, and as the bubble slowly deflates, truth becomes clearer and more manageable. Scream and fall apart and you burst the bubble, sending yourself searching for a covering. I let myself float. Somehow, somehow I would see this for what it REALLY was. NOT stupid cancer. This was something, a chance? A chance to get better at life? A chance to let my hair blow (away... just kidding). A chance to grow, a chance to find Rhonda. A chance to be a betters wife and mother or realize that I ALWAYS have been. Then a moment came. I'm sitting on the couch. Making plans with my sister, dad and father. I suddenly feel like I'm in this movie, "Wait, who, WHO has cancer? Wait what? What about my kids? What's going on?" One foot. I just needed to put one foot in front of the other. And I did. I realized, then at THAT moment. I was going to make this movie a GOOD one. I didn't know the ending. But I knew, I KNEW, it wasn't going to be this sappy movie about someone dying away. This was going to be a movie about LIFE. This was going to show a main character that LOVED LIFE and she LAUGHED AND LOVED with everything she had in her. There would be moments of sadness, unexpectedness, worry, shame, but NOT one of those moments would outshine the LIFE she still had.

      I can tell you, more than once I had to tell people "Nope, we don't talk about death. We don't talk about what if. Don't speak death over me! Don't speak negative to me." There did come a point, Bill and I realized that some people in their haste to understand what was going on, they had to relate. "Oh, my great-great aunt had cancer. She lived 25 years and passed away." "There was this lady I worked with found out she had cancer and lived 4 months."  ("HMMMM") But again Bill and I realized this was just how others related to the situation. We eventually let it pass. there were moments of unsure, but Bill came up with a new slogan for my campaign..."NO OTHER OPTIONS!" He would tell me, "There are no other options, your only option is life." When he said this and to this moment right now, I hear "There are no other options, my only option is life, is Bill, is William and Olivia and Elizabeth. My only option is dad, Eric, Candy and Rachelle. My only option is my nieces and nephews. My only option is LIFE." Yes, there were moments, usually in the middle of the night, everyone was sleeping I would weep. I would find myself in the bathroom laying on a towel on the floor, my face buried in another towel. I don't know God, I don't know if I can do this. I'm pretty sure I can't do this God. Please don't let my kids hear me. Please don't let Bill hear me crying. I know you are here God, I know you are here.

    Then a song or a scripture would come to me. Where? Where is this from? I haven't heard this song sing I was a kid in Sunday School. I haven't heard this in years, such an old hymn! It would flood me, over and over and over I could hear this song. "Where is this coming from God?" I ask. "From the prayers." I hear. Whose prayers? Who is praying God. It's just me, just me here." I am trying to understand. "It's from THEIR prayers, those people you asked for prayer. Your friends. When people say they are praying or thinking of you, this is those prayers." I hear again and ask again  "But these songs Sunday School songs..." He answers "Some people only know Sunday school songs, it's all they can remember".

      And the moments pass, sometimes slow, sometimes very fast. I try and explain to others during this time, but I don't know if they understand. I am more appreciative and understand now when others say they are thinking of me and praying for me.  Once, once on a short visit to Minto, as I am getting ready to head home, I get into the car and am stopped by relatives, maybe had too much to drink. "I love you and I'm praying for you".  I look him straight in the eye. "I know, I know you are praying for me. I can feel them, I can feel your prayers. YOUR prayers." His eyes for one SECOND say they know, they understand.

LIVING LIFE 3 MONTHS INTO FIRST TREATMENT!

      Yesterday as I was driving down the road here in Anchorage, I was headed to a birthday celebration and I began thinking of my own birthday a few weeks from now. I started to ask myself who are you. Who am I? I am a wife and a mother. I am a survivor. I know who I am now. I know what I like. I know what I want out of life. I know who I chose to be. I am neither proud or ashamed and it does matter. LIFE matters. How did I stay positive? I learned to be content in ALL situations. I have found myself on the bathroom floor in the middle of the night crying and I have found myself driving around a van full of kids laughing and singing. I have found love in the arms of my husband. I have found a daughter who still thinking her daddy is the most admirable man she knows. I have found HOPE in my brother. I have found richness in family love from my sister Candy. I have found that you can be who you are chosen to be, in a matter of months, ask my WORLD KNOWN ARTIST Rachelle! I have found LIFE and I will NOT let it go. Love you, love me, Love you, Love me.


Oh, by the way Happy cancer survivors day... :)