A monumental day. Crazy busy. Crazy. But I got to spend most of it with my husband! So very emotional and for me, as I told Bill earlier, this day was the most stressful day I have had in 3 years. Going through treatment, I kind of KIND of knew what to expect. I knew I was gonna be tired and sick and achy. I guess I mentally prepared myself for the physical stuff. Today was a day I had no idea WHAT to plan for. I broke. I broke down. My faith faltered and I asked, "Why, why is this taking so long?" When? When is this going to end?" What? What does it look like on the other side of this?" But I lived, moment by moment.
Bill and I are on an adventure. We are getting ready to move. We are trying to buy a house. This has been something we have wanted to since day one. We have tried several times. Not enough credit, too much credit, over credit. We have prayed. I have begged, pleaded, and yes probably even bargained with God. I just want a place for my kids to grow up. A place we can call our own. A place where we can hang stuff on the wall, a place where I can make it my own. I also have fought the "system". Meaning landlords. People who can show up at anytime. A place where if something breaks and I try and fix it, I am liable. A place where if I didn't like the yard or wanted a cat, I had to answer to someone else. I have not been very good at answering to others. (HMMM, is this why I don't like to answer my phone?)
I have been so very blessed in my places of work to have supervisor's and bosses who really cared for me and my well being. HF gave me confidence to work on my own TU taught me to leave work at work and leave it at the door! AM gave me room and taught me so much about myself, EA stood up for me. RC stood up for me, gave me responsibilities and encouraged me and showed me a boss could TOTALLY be a friend! MW showed me I could go ANYWHERE and that I had potential! EL loved me, stood up for me, gave me room to grow, and had the most gentle spirit! (OK, had to throw some shout outs!)
But landlords. I have always had trouble dealing with them. It's NOT them it's ME. Let me work this out. I don't like to feel looked upon. A boss is like a mentor, showing you teaching you and you grow professionally. My work load shows my answers. I am visual. My home is a reflection of me, but I don't own it, I cannot fully expose me. Does ANY of this make sense?
Maybe, maybe I have lacked confidence in myself as a tenant. We never trashed a place (holes in the walls, burnt the place down). I have never took advantage of anyone, lived for months without paying rent. I think I have lowered myself below my landlords and therein lies my issues. A landlord is an owner an overseer. They have given me the responsibility of taking care of their property. My lack of confidence that I can do that, means I have to blame someone. So I blame the one holding the standards, the landlord. I totally meet the standards of a great tenant, especially given some of the situations I have been placed in. Remember me painting my living room 2 weeks out from chemo. Something I haven't told ANYONE by the way... so I painted my living room, right. I moved ALL the furniture painted. Went picked up my kids. Did a second coat. I had not eaten all day. I was on the verge of passing out. I am SO grateful I made it into town 2 times that day. Not one bite to eat all day, running off coffee and complete euphoria (and paint fumes) of accomplishing something on my own! I remember several times that day being so dizzy, I thought I was going to end up in a paint bucket. I learned a lesson that day, EAT, take care of yourself! and I learned today from that day. I am a pretty good tenant in my book. I would rent to me, sure. I sure would. She's a pretty nice gal, a little on the fickle side, but charming none-the-less. Love you. Love me. Love you. Love me.
Thank you all for being patient with me as I figured this out...
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