Bam! The diagnosis. I was hit with it. I was home alone, the phone rang. I went numb. Completely and utterly, unavoidly numb. I called my sister. I wanted to scream. This is happening to someone else. This cannot happen to me. Then a fog. I cried, but it felt forced. Everything felt forced in my life. I guess this is what people mean when they say your life is spinning out of control. You WANT to care, you WANT to stop/ live/ cry/ scream, but it's spinnning and it all feels so forced. Un-natural? What is that? For me I've described it as a bubble. This bubble forms over you. A protective bubble. Like, well when a kid trips or gets hurt, there's that 1 second... Literally 1 second where there's silence. Some parents have learned if you say "It's okay" and make no big deal of it, the kid follows suit. But if you throw yourself into a frenzy, the kid catches this emotion and falls apart. This bubble is that 1 second, a protective covering. It doesn't last forever, so live that as long as you will allow, and as the bubble slowly deflates, truth becomes clearer and more manageable. Scream and fall apart and you burst the bubble, sending yourself searching for a covering. I let myself float. Somehow, somehow I would see this for what it REALLY was. NOT stupid cancer. This was something, a chance? A chance to get better at life? A chance to let my hair blow (away... just kidding). A chance to grow, a chance to find Rhonda. A chance to be a betters wife and mother or realize that I ALWAYS have been. Then a moment came. I'm sitting on the couch. Making plans with my sister, dad and father. I suddenly feel like I'm in this movie, "Wait, who, WHO has cancer? Wait what? What about my kids? What's going on?" One foot. I just needed to put one foot in front of the other. And I did. I realized, then at THAT moment. I was going to make this movie a GOOD one. I didn't know the ending. But I knew, I KNEW, it wasn't going to be this sappy movie about someone dying away. This was going to be a movie about LIFE. This was going to show a main character that LOVED LIFE and she LAUGHED AND LOVED with everything she had in her. There would be moments of sadness, unexpectedness, worry, shame, but NOT one of those moments would outshine the LIFE she still had.
I can tell you, more than once I had to tell people "Nope, we don't talk about death. We don't talk about what if. Don't speak death over me! Don't speak negative to me." There did come a point, Bill and I realized that some people in their haste to understand what was going on, they had to relate. "Oh, my great-great aunt had cancer. She lived 25 years and passed away." "There was this lady I worked with found out she had cancer and lived 4 months." ("HMMMM") But again Bill and I realized this was just how others related to the situation. We eventually let it pass. there were moments of unsure, but Bill came up with a new slogan for my campaign..."NO OTHER OPTIONS!" He would tell me, "There are no other options, your only option is life." When he said this and to this moment right now, I hear "There are no other options, my only option is life, is Bill, is William and Olivia and Elizabeth. My only option is dad, Eric, Candy and Rachelle. My only option is my nieces and nephews. My only option is LIFE." Yes, there were moments, usually in the middle of the night, everyone was sleeping I would weep. I would find myself in the bathroom laying on a towel on the floor, my face buried in another towel. I don't know God, I don't know if I can do this. I'm pretty sure I can't do this God. Please don't let my kids hear me. Please don't let Bill hear me crying. I know you are here God, I know you are here.
Then a song or a scripture would come to me. Where? Where is this from? I haven't heard this song sing I was a kid in Sunday School. I haven't heard this in years, such an old hymn! It would flood me, over and over and over I could hear this song. "Where is this coming from God?" I ask. "From the prayers." I hear. Whose prayers? Who is praying God. It's just me, just me here." I am trying to understand. "It's from THEIR prayers, those people you asked for prayer. Your friends. When people say they are praying or thinking of you, this is those prayers." I hear again and ask again "But these songs Sunday School songs..." He answers "Some people only know Sunday school songs, it's all they can remember".
And the moments pass, sometimes slow, sometimes very fast. I try and explain to others during this time, but I don't know if they understand. I am more appreciative and understand now when others say they are thinking of me and praying for me. Once, once on a short visit to Minto, as I am getting ready to head home, I get into the car and am stopped by relatives, maybe had too much to drink. "I love you and I'm praying for you". I look him straight in the eye. "I know, I know you are praying for me. I can feel them, I can feel your prayers. YOUR prayers." His eyes for one SECOND say they know, they understand.
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| LIVING LIFE 3 MONTHS INTO FIRST TREATMENT! |
Yesterday as I was driving down the road here in Anchorage, I was headed to a birthday celebration and I began thinking of my own birthday a few weeks from now. I started to ask myself who are you. Who am I? I am a wife and a mother. I am a survivor. I know who I am now. I know what I like. I know what I want out of life. I know who I chose to be. I am neither proud or ashamed and it does matter. LIFE matters. How did I stay positive? I learned to be content in ALL situations. I have found myself on the bathroom floor in the middle of the night crying and I have found myself driving around a van full of kids laughing and singing. I have found love in the arms of my husband. I have found a daughter who still thinking her daddy is the most admirable man she knows. I have found HOPE in my brother. I have found richness in family love from my sister Candy. I have found that you can be who you are chosen to be, in a matter of months, ask my WORLD KNOWN ARTIST Rachelle! I have found LIFE and I will NOT let it go. Love you, love me, Love you, Love me.
Oh, by the way Happy cancer survivors day... :)
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