There's this song, live like you were dying. Or something. That just seems so totally morbid to me. WHY? Don't live like you are dying. Live like you are living.
Today I struggled with this. For so long, I have been living, correction, I have been FIGHTING to live. EVERYDAY. I fight mentally (don't think about death, don't think about dying, don't think about funerals). I fight physically (lethargy, can't eat, eat too much, aches, sleeplessness, stomach issues). I fight emotionally, (don't let the kids see me cry too much, try not to be to angry with family, with friends. I fight spiritually (God, why? God, did I do something wrong? God, are YOU there?).
So here I am. Fighting. Everyday. Yesterday my Dr. said. He said something I have never heard him say and he even told me he's carefully to tell his patients this..."I'm not worried about you Rhonda, you are going to beat this." (something VERY close to this). I do as I often do when I hear something SUPER important, I shrug it off. Ah, yeah. Yeah.
And tonight as I lay in bed trying to figure out why I was so disrespectful to Bill, to the kids. I thought, Today, today I didn't have to FIGHT so hard. Today I should've lived like I ? I JUST should've LIVED. Not laid in bed feeling sorry for myself. I should've LIVED.
I will also admit here that I did take a walk today, the first in months. But I'm still beating myself up because I didn't ENJOY my walk. I didn't LIVE my walk. I just, I just walked.
So, I beat myself up. Because I did an life thing and didn't enjoy it. Well maybe it's been awhile. I DON'T know HOW to enjoy it. I forgot how to go out for coffee and truely laugh. I forgot how to run a mile and smile at the end. I forgot how to finish a project. Not for long though. I don't know whether I've got 10 more minutes or 100 more years. I'm going to make the best of it and I'm going to laugh, and smile and FEEL every moment of this life.
Tuesday, April 14, 2015
Tuesday, April 7, 2015
4.7.15 Sleep
Oh, sleep why doth thou evade me! I have not posted in so long. So it is late and I find myself here. Wishing sleep would come and with it, the new day. I had my tonsillectomy in February and am sleeping better, when I can get there. My meds were all kind of messed up, so I was off my maintenance/ chemo drug for a bit. Back on and doing good, just tired. Always tired. I feel old. You know how you see older people and they just seem to sleep a lot? I DON'T claim that for myself. Once I get into the routine with my meds, I'll be back running and kicking around. Okay, time to try this again. Love you, love me, love you, love me.
Tuesday, January 6, 2015
1.6.15 Shattered
So this isn't going to be a depressing post, just something I was thinking about RIGHT as I lay down to sleep.
I have several friendships right now that are 9in my opinion) shattered. Right there in the middle of my path. Some of them a million pieces, some just a few. As I look at them I think, how do I fix this? Then I remember that I am suppose to be looking at my part of the street. I'm supposed to be focused on my side of the street. So what to do with these pieces. I have a few choices. I can sweep them up and set them aside to throw away, I can sweep them up and hand them over to my higher power, Only He can fix them or replace them or fix me to no longer need them. So that is what I will do. Trust that these will be moved and they are being taken care of. I hope this doesn't sound harsh to anyone. Just a thought I had to get out before I head to bed.
Today was my kids first day back at school, and as much as I thought I was looking forward to it, I also missed them very much. They give me life and energy each day to get up and accomplish tasks that a mother can do. Tasks that I truly love to do, how blessed I am to sign up for volleyball, cook dinner, Kiss owwies and make sure they are safe. I love you, all 4 of you my little ones!
Love you, love me, love you, love me!
I have several friendships right now that are 9in my opinion) shattered. Right there in the middle of my path. Some of them a million pieces, some just a few. As I look at them I think, how do I fix this? Then I remember that I am suppose to be looking at my part of the street. I'm supposed to be focused on my side of the street. So what to do with these pieces. I have a few choices. I can sweep them up and set them aside to throw away, I can sweep them up and hand them over to my higher power, Only He can fix them or replace them or fix me to no longer need them. So that is what I will do. Trust that these will be moved and they are being taken care of. I hope this doesn't sound harsh to anyone. Just a thought I had to get out before I head to bed.
Today was my kids first day back at school, and as much as I thought I was looking forward to it, I also missed them very much. They give me life and energy each day to get up and accomplish tasks that a mother can do. Tasks that I truly love to do, how blessed I am to sign up for volleyball, cook dinner, Kiss owwies and make sure they are safe. I love you, all 4 of you my little ones!
Love you, love me, love you, love me!
Saturday, January 3, 2015
1.3.14 New Year, New...
I kind of like to think of Monday's as my new year. Or the first of the month, or I don't know, just about ANY reason to start a new. Because if you are breathing you can start new anything in the next breath. On of the many lessons I learned from Al-Anon and Celebrate Recovery.
I started Al-Anon two months after my mom passed away. My life was unmanageable at that point. I kept trying the same things and getting the same result, nowhere. Today I am so greatful for these/ those lessons and I am in such a different place. But still breathing and ready to start something new!
I don't talk a whole lot about medications I'm on, my faux pas I guess. At one time I've been on like 7 meds and taking 10-12 pills a day. Craptacular. I HATE medication. I have a SERIOUS phobia of meds and becoming an addict. Recently I have been living with pain rather than taking medication. One of the chemo drugs I'm on causes serious joint aches, but there is no telling how long I will be on this drug so I refuse to take pain meds cause I just don't want to be on it for the rest of my life. I am moving more and trying herbal remedies. Soon I hope to be back to acupuncture, massage therapy and to see the chiropracter. I also have been suffering from anxiouty and that causes muscles to tense up and yeah. I think, and if I can complain for a minute, the worst part is, some meds I have to take in the morning and make me drowsy so I HAVE to take a nap before lunch. If I take these meds at night they counteract with my sleeping meds. Let me explain, you know how some people if they take too much of a relaxing med it has the opposite effect? That's me. WITH ANY kind of medication. So I have to weigh pros and cons with every medicine. So normally not really a huge deal, but with it being Christmas break, I want to spend awake hours with my family even though I do have teenagers who have CRAZY hours.
In hindsight, this is a good complaint. I think I'd rather complain about this than major stuff :)
So, my son spent half of winter break with my sister in Fairbanks and he came home today. Ah I am so glad to have him home! It's hard to believe it's Saturday, it feels like I've been living on the weekend for the last two weeks!
I suppose this is the point where I list my New Year Resolutions. My first is to live EACH day, EACH day and not to try and live tomorrow, today or to try and re-live yesterday. Live in the moment. I also want to say as I do and do as I say. These can sound so very vague so to be more accurate, I want to answer my phone more and not try and avoid people. I want to make it to church EVERY Sunday. This to me is part of living as I say I am. In the past few years I have missed a lot of church and I don't want that to be the case anymore. I believe church isn't a place just to "get something", but a place to "give part of me". I would like to volunteer or give of myself somewhere different every month. I want to try something new every month, a craft, volunteer work, a baked goodie, a book, something. And lastly, I want to learn to speak french. Voila! J'adore moi, j'adore vous, j'adore moi, j'adore vous!
I started Al-Anon two months after my mom passed away. My life was unmanageable at that point. I kept trying the same things and getting the same result, nowhere. Today I am so greatful for these/ those lessons and I am in such a different place. But still breathing and ready to start something new!
I don't talk a whole lot about medications I'm on, my faux pas I guess. At one time I've been on like 7 meds and taking 10-12 pills a day. Craptacular. I HATE medication. I have a SERIOUS phobia of meds and becoming an addict. Recently I have been living with pain rather than taking medication. One of the chemo drugs I'm on causes serious joint aches, but there is no telling how long I will be on this drug so I refuse to take pain meds cause I just don't want to be on it for the rest of my life. I am moving more and trying herbal remedies. Soon I hope to be back to acupuncture, massage therapy and to see the chiropracter. I also have been suffering from anxiouty and that causes muscles to tense up and yeah. I think, and if I can complain for a minute, the worst part is, some meds I have to take in the morning and make me drowsy so I HAVE to take a nap before lunch. If I take these meds at night they counteract with my sleeping meds. Let me explain, you know how some people if they take too much of a relaxing med it has the opposite effect? That's me. WITH ANY kind of medication. So I have to weigh pros and cons with every medicine. So normally not really a huge deal, but with it being Christmas break, I want to spend awake hours with my family even though I do have teenagers who have CRAZY hours.
In hindsight, this is a good complaint. I think I'd rather complain about this than major stuff :)
So, my son spent half of winter break with my sister in Fairbanks and he came home today. Ah I am so glad to have him home! It's hard to believe it's Saturday, it feels like I've been living on the weekend for the last two weeks!
I suppose this is the point where I list my New Year Resolutions. My first is to live EACH day, EACH day and not to try and live tomorrow, today or to try and re-live yesterday. Live in the moment. I also want to say as I do and do as I say. These can sound so very vague so to be more accurate, I want to answer my phone more and not try and avoid people. I want to make it to church EVERY Sunday. This to me is part of living as I say I am. In the past few years I have missed a lot of church and I don't want that to be the case anymore. I believe church isn't a place just to "get something", but a place to "give part of me". I would like to volunteer or give of myself somewhere different every month. I want to try something new every month, a craft, volunteer work, a baked goodie, a book, something. And lastly, I want to learn to speak french. Voila! J'adore moi, j'adore vous, j'adore moi, j'adore vous!
Saturday, December 27, 2014
12.27.14 Aches, Pains and Just plain complaints!
Two days after Christmas. What a wonderful Christmas it was! Family, my brother and dad and all the kids! It was a blessing for sure! I was dead tired, but managed to finished up the cooking with the teenagers help.
Dinner surpassed even my expectation! Candle-light with Prime Rib! It was delightful, although I had heard the entire "Elf" movie re-enacted for the 2nd or 3rd time, I reminded myself in a year or two I would want to hear it over and over and hear the laughing!
It is now two days later and my body is so tired of being in bed. My joints ache to the strongest. Pain shoots in and out of joints. I'm never quiet sure where it will start. the last 24 hours it has been my hips. I wince in pain and wish for tears to fall, but it's not that kind of pain. More of a quick ache, sometimes and lately in my right elbow it stays, until I can handle the pain no longer and only wish I can cut it off. Usually a moment or two after that the pain subsides. It has been 3 weeks since my last pain pill. I just cannot take them anymore. After a year of taking them, my body, MY MIND says no more. I want a clear mind and will not let them control me. I am looking for more homeopathic remedies. Please keep me in your prayers.
My other complaints are just that, added on complaints. Usually when I get this way I can find no good in anything or anyone. I have to learn to no trust what I feel, but what I know to be true during these times. I learn to count my blessings. You, my kids are one of them. I am so blessed to have W. O. and E. here in my life. And for Bill and his patience. Through or\ur martial struggles, we find strength in each other. The romance is still there and still in bloom. I love you my love, with an everlasting love....
Love you, love me,love you, love me
Dinner surpassed even my expectation! Candle-light with Prime Rib! It was delightful, although I had heard the entire "Elf" movie re-enacted for the 2nd or 3rd time, I reminded myself in a year or two I would want to hear it over and over and hear the laughing!
It is now two days later and my body is so tired of being in bed. My joints ache to the strongest. Pain shoots in and out of joints. I'm never quiet sure where it will start. the last 24 hours it has been my hips. I wince in pain and wish for tears to fall, but it's not that kind of pain. More of a quick ache, sometimes and lately in my right elbow it stays, until I can handle the pain no longer and only wish I can cut it off. Usually a moment or two after that the pain subsides. It has been 3 weeks since my last pain pill. I just cannot take them anymore. After a year of taking them, my body, MY MIND says no more. I want a clear mind and will not let them control me. I am looking for more homeopathic remedies. Please keep me in your prayers.
My other complaints are just that, added on complaints. Usually when I get this way I can find no good in anything or anyone. I have to learn to no trust what I feel, but what I know to be true during these times. I learn to count my blessings. You, my kids are one of them. I am so blessed to have W. O. and E. here in my life. And for Bill and his patience. Through or\ur martial struggles, we find strength in each other. The romance is still there and still in bloom. I love you my love, with an everlasting love....
Love you, love me,love you, love me
Sunday, December 21, 2014
12.21.14~~ Fighting
I had a whole theme going earlier. I had it all typed out in my mind. I knew exactly what I was going to say, then I got sucked into Pinterest and the rest is history.
So something I don't talk much about, would be about finances. But this is an area in which I have been learning to deal with pretty much all my life. Now combine finances with control and always wanting to control it. Now throw in a marriage and a little thing we call a mortgage and kids and WOW! (Not to mention that whole cancer thing) So reflecting back to my last post, my job is to fight cancer. Part of fighting cancer is to think positively. To be positive to not get down on myself or others. This is TOTALLY a marathon, because at first you know, I was all gung ho. I mean I was ready. I put on the running shoes, laced them up and started I was smiling waving at all my cheerleaders. (Fists-pumping-ready) Now I'm like okay, now what? Now where? Now who? I'm actually kinda walk/ running looking around. I start to pick up other "jobs", maybe before I'm suppose to or not at all. I try and take on finances or volunteer work or whatever and it starts to stress me out. Do you see this pattern?
Do you struggle with something like this? You WANT, no NEED to have control of something, but its not you that is controlling the situation, it's the situation controlling you.
You need to be in control of your children's education so you start to work at the school and then THIS starts to stress you, the kids, the teacher out and their education declines...
Maybe you have an addiction? You go to IT to control your inability to cope, and the more you go to it the less your ability TO cope. I like the nail biting illustration. I used to and still sometimes do, bite my nails. I got nervous, especially around people so I bite my nails to do something with my hands so people would see me DOING something. But then wow, they started to look crazy gross and I LOOKED crazy. Now I was drawing unwanted attention to myself.
And what if it's not going your way? So you can't work at your kids school so you pull them out and try controlling the situation another way. What if, what if... it's not your job to control in a worrisome manner? Of course as parents we are to guide our children, but ultimately we are RAISING adults. We are showing them we care and we are giving them responsibility to FLY! I'm not saying don't work at your kids school or neglect them all together, you will know if it's what you should be doing.
Making a mistake, so what if I screw up and fall while I'm trying to control everything? GET UP. LOOK AROUND. Maybe you are being put in a time of waiting and trusting. Maybe you're to stay in that spot until circumstances change, maybe you will have to turn or maybe you will have to walk this mistake out. But learn from it, and move when the time is right.
I guess my little lesson for myself comes from a few friends I know that are going through some trying times (and actually some friends who are not). As I type this it is Sunday, grocery day, I am not able to shop today, I had to give that piece of control up, but I'm okay with it. In fact I am thinking about the positive in it. I am releasing control of those things that I cannot control and trusting in my God. It will work out. Christmas dinner, Christmas gifts and traveling. Family, it will all work out because I'm letting go and I'm HAPPY to do so. Okay...
Love you, love me, Love you, love me...!
So something I don't talk much about, would be about finances. But this is an area in which I have been learning to deal with pretty much all my life. Now combine finances with control and always wanting to control it. Now throw in a marriage and a little thing we call a mortgage and kids and WOW! (Not to mention that whole cancer thing) So reflecting back to my last post, my job is to fight cancer. Part of fighting cancer is to think positively. To be positive to not get down on myself or others. This is TOTALLY a marathon, because at first you know, I was all gung ho. I mean I was ready. I put on the running shoes, laced them up and started I was smiling waving at all my cheerleaders. (Fists-pumping-ready) Now I'm like okay, now what? Now where? Now who? I'm actually kinda walk/ running looking around. I start to pick up other "jobs", maybe before I'm suppose to or not at all. I try and take on finances or volunteer work or whatever and it starts to stress me out. Do you see this pattern?
Do you struggle with something like this? You WANT, no NEED to have control of something, but its not you that is controlling the situation, it's the situation controlling you.
You need to be in control of your children's education so you start to work at the school and then THIS starts to stress you, the kids, the teacher out and their education declines...
Maybe you have an addiction? You go to IT to control your inability to cope, and the more you go to it the less your ability TO cope. I like the nail biting illustration. I used to and still sometimes do, bite my nails. I got nervous, especially around people so I bite my nails to do something with my hands so people would see me DOING something. But then wow, they started to look crazy gross and I LOOKED crazy. Now I was drawing unwanted attention to myself.
And what if it's not going your way? So you can't work at your kids school so you pull them out and try controlling the situation another way. What if, what if... it's not your job to control in a worrisome manner? Of course as parents we are to guide our children, but ultimately we are RAISING adults. We are showing them we care and we are giving them responsibility to FLY! I'm not saying don't work at your kids school or neglect them all together, you will know if it's what you should be doing.
Making a mistake, so what if I screw up and fall while I'm trying to control everything? GET UP. LOOK AROUND. Maybe you are being put in a time of waiting and trusting. Maybe you're to stay in that spot until circumstances change, maybe you will have to turn or maybe you will have to walk this mistake out. But learn from it, and move when the time is right.
I guess my little lesson for myself comes from a few friends I know that are going through some trying times (and actually some friends who are not). As I type this it is Sunday, grocery day, I am not able to shop today, I had to give that piece of control up, but I'm okay with it. In fact I am thinking about the positive in it. I am releasing control of those things that I cannot control and trusting in my God. It will work out. Christmas dinner, Christmas gifts and traveling. Family, it will all work out because I'm letting go and I'm HAPPY to do so. Okay...
Love you, love me, Love you, love me...!
Sunday, December 14, 2014
12.14.14 Should I Relieve for Shoulder relief?
So as time would have it, I have time today. Saturdays and Sundays are so relaxing for me, or really should be???
The other night was a doozy for me. Alot of pain physically. I chatted with a friend the other day and learned something new.
I tend to carry a lot of stress about everyday things, kids, the house, finances, relationships. When I was going through the chemo that had tons of side effects and made me extremely ill, it was decided that my job in the family was to fight cancer. ONLY fight cancer. Now that I am on a chemotherapy that allows me to do more, we as a family and I as a person am finding WHAT I can handle, WHAT my job is. It varies from day to day. Some days, I feel like I can take on the world. Other days I wonder if I can get a load of laundry done. I also am figuring out not just how much I can do physically, but mentally and emotionally. Am I just being lazy? Am I sad or upset? Why? Should I be reaching out at this point for my mental and emotional needs? Who can I reach out to without over stressing them out?
As a side note this is partly, just who I am. I am a thinker and like to figure stuff out. I would say I am a jumper too. Just do it and get it over with! This circumstance isn't really a get it over with thing. I've got a long road ahead of me, I want to kind of make sure I'm packed with the right equipment. I also would like to know who's traveling with me for support and those who I'm dragging along, cause I think I need their support.
To ease up on my stress, I like to get it all out there. Most of the time Bill and the kids are the closest ones so I unload on them. :( But as of this last week, I am learning I need to have outlets for my stress, for my recovery. I need to be able to look around and see who I can trust.
Trust is a big thing for me as well. I once had someone tell me that they would do whatever needed to be done, to call them for WHATEVER. So I called, and they couldn't. At the time I needed a ride, but now I realize it wasn't about the ride. It was about needing someone, some to talk to. It would've taken them way out of their way. This gives me the opportunity to forgive them, and try and trust again.
There are people that I am just having the hardest time with, I believe I am having a hard time trusting their genuineness, ahhh,
This now asks the question, "What if someone wants to be friends with you, but you just aren't able to provide them with the attention they need. You aren't able to give? Shouldn't we ALL be giving ALL the time? What if someone just BEGS to be your friend? To be in on the know? Ah, all of life's questions cannot be answered in one swoop.
I love this blog, because it gives me the chance to unload without hearing the whining and complaining of those who are unable to take this on. Also I would hope to think, if this blog's not for you, don't read it. I know it's working for me.
Also note to self, when you start blogging in the middle of the day, you find yourself sucked in for the rest of the day, whereas when you start to blog at night, you only have a few minutes then you have to sleep. (but you're not boring...) :) Love you, love me, love you, love me!!
The other night was a doozy for me. Alot of pain physically. I chatted with a friend the other day and learned something new.
I tend to carry a lot of stress about everyday things, kids, the house, finances, relationships. When I was going through the chemo that had tons of side effects and made me extremely ill, it was decided that my job in the family was to fight cancer. ONLY fight cancer. Now that I am on a chemotherapy that allows me to do more, we as a family and I as a person am finding WHAT I can handle, WHAT my job is. It varies from day to day. Some days, I feel like I can take on the world. Other days I wonder if I can get a load of laundry done. I also am figuring out not just how much I can do physically, but mentally and emotionally. Am I just being lazy? Am I sad or upset? Why? Should I be reaching out at this point for my mental and emotional needs? Who can I reach out to without over stressing them out?
As a side note this is partly, just who I am. I am a thinker and like to figure stuff out. I would say I am a jumper too. Just do it and get it over with! This circumstance isn't really a get it over with thing. I've got a long road ahead of me, I want to kind of make sure I'm packed with the right equipment. I also would like to know who's traveling with me for support and those who I'm dragging along, cause I think I need their support.
To ease up on my stress, I like to get it all out there. Most of the time Bill and the kids are the closest ones so I unload on them. :( But as of this last week, I am learning I need to have outlets for my stress, for my recovery. I need to be able to look around and see who I can trust.
Trust is a big thing for me as well. I once had someone tell me that they would do whatever needed to be done, to call them for WHATEVER. So I called, and they couldn't. At the time I needed a ride, but now I realize it wasn't about the ride. It was about needing someone, some to talk to. It would've taken them way out of their way. This gives me the opportunity to forgive them, and try and trust again.
There are people that I am just having the hardest time with, I believe I am having a hard time trusting their genuineness, ahhh,
This now asks the question, "What if someone wants to be friends with you, but you just aren't able to provide them with the attention they need. You aren't able to give? Shouldn't we ALL be giving ALL the time? What if someone just BEGS to be your friend? To be in on the know? Ah, all of life's questions cannot be answered in one swoop.
I love this blog, because it gives me the chance to unload without hearing the whining and complaining of those who are unable to take this on. Also I would hope to think, if this blog's not for you, don't read it. I know it's working for me.
Also note to self, when you start blogging in the middle of the day, you find yourself sucked in for the rest of the day, whereas when you start to blog at night, you only have a few minutes then you have to sleep. (but you're not boring...) :) Love you, love me, love you, love me!!
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