Summer over?

Is summer really over? I'm sad. That summer is over. I wanted it to be over so badly and now I wish I would've held onto it longer. I am so thankful I got to spend as much time in Minto as I did. I can only hope I will be able to spend more time this fall/ winter. I don' want to get sad, and mushy, but I am. I remember driving to Minto with Rachelle. With Bill. Spending time down there for the Fourth of July. I hold onto Easter and Spring Break up, the warmer temperatures. I look forward to being stronger this winter. Maybe I need to just focus on this moment. Enjoying this moment. Bill took the kids on a bike ride. I'll be doing that next summer. Oh, next summer! NO ONE will be looking forward to next more than I will!
Today. Today. ugg. Terrible. Again, I don't want to complain, I have a lot to be thankful for. But today was rough. I woke up very early with tummy aches and slept off and on most of the day. But not being able to eat or drink is very difficult and I am hungry for the sake of being hungry. I watch Food Network or food shows all day, which I'm sure doesn't help, but I somehow feel like it's feeding me! Feeling nauseated again. Bill and the kids are doing good. I feel a bit bad, I really feel like I need to hear noise and that it's helps to hear life outside of these walls. I just have to remember this won't last forever and I'll be up and out soon.
I don't want anyone to think I am ignoring them, on bad days I can't talk on the phone, on good days I just want to keep moving. I was told day 5 is the hardest. Actually I was told days 5-7, but this round I will only believe day 5 will be rough. Tomorrow I will be much better. Okay, maybe more later. Love you, love me, love you, love me.

Day 5 of Round 5

Today is okay. It's still morning? Afternoon? Mornings, (I've said once before) are much better than afternoons. I can eat, be awake and feel alive. Afternoons I figure I'm wore out and by evenings I'm drained and feel like I can't eat a thing. But everyday my mornings last a little longer. One more round. I know I keep saying this but it really is monumental for me. Just to get through this. I will be on that last drug for a year, but I'll have all my energy, appetite, no aches, no tummy issues. I'm looking forward to going back to being a bit normal. Keep me in your prayers and I'll write again tonight...Love you, love me, love you, love me.

Day 3 Round 5

Where to start? Where to begin? Still on steroids, and stronger anti-nausea meds, so doing okay. Tired, but good. Still not looking forward to days 4-7, but depending on how you look at it, almost 1/2 there. I got a CD I ordered and the attachment for the bike so I/ Bill can tow Lelly along in the bike wagon? Busy watching "Man -vs- Food" one of my favorite shows when I'm this hungry. Made a few friends today and humbled by everything I am going through. Sickness, illness is everywhere and I am blessed to be loved and not forgotten by my God. Love all of you. Love you, love me, love you, love me!

Day 2 Round 5

Slept most of today. Now it's getting late and I wonder if I'll sleep. I'm sure I will. I know I'll make it. My thoughts turn to living for today and looking forward to next Wednesday. Not worrying about tomorrow, but LOOKING FORWARD to what God has in store for me. I can't believe school will start here in a couple of weeks. I am so blessed to have stayed home with my kiddos all summer, but I am ready for them to get back to learning and being around friends! My doctor has mentioned surgery again. She will talk to my surgeon and a plan will be made by my next appointment. We're looking at about the middle of September.How do I feel? Not sure yet. Not sure. Praying. Well I love each of you. Love you, love me, love you, love me.

Relationships

Had a good day, for the most part, loving the rain. ;) I actually am! I went to the Farmer's Market in the rain. I got some wonderful veggies to make a salad and it was WONDERFUL! I talked a little about wearing others down last night, and again this fear comes to me. I'm not sure how or what to do with cancer, talk about it? Not talk about it? It would be great if people came with instructions when you met them. "Please don't talk to me about anything uncomfortable." or "Please share with me everything". "I say I am here for ANYTHING, but the truth is, I can't offer you much of anything, I just want to hear your problems so I can feel good about myself." That's a tough-y. There have been those who heard I have cancer and make them self scarce. There have been those who said I'll do anything but then hesitate. I wonder sometimes if I'm being too honest or personal, but this is me and what I think and feel and I blog for me and much as anyone. Okay so to get less personal... ? Had a little cookout tonight and I made SALMON (delish), pork ribs, potato salad, baked beans, corn on the cob, fresh farmer's market salad, and s'mores to top it off. It was great and I really need to give myself more credit as a cook and a foodie. I love food and I love it even more on my good days. I really want to cook dinner for my in-laws again tomorrow, we'll see! Bill to go fishing for trout and I'm thinking of the movies with Lells. God is good and is in the business of healing, healing broken hearted, healing sickness, healing relationships! Thank you Lord and I trust you. I trust you...

Getting away

I remember when my mom had cancer. I was there, everyday. I lived it, breathed it. I remember wanting to get away. To run from the cancer to make it go away from her, to take her away from the cancer. But I couldn't. And I can't now. I don't get days off. I don't get days to run away, get away. I can only think of the better days, and I have to be okay with that, with them. My last round of chemo, I was on a high a week afterwards. I went to MINTO. I WENT TO MINTO. I got away from cancer for a minute, 10 minutes, a whole day. I could forget for a few minutes. I can't now. I can't seem to get away. I have moments, great spectacular moments. This morning, exhilarating, I went into town. I was going to beat this. I was going to WIN. And the day wore on, it wore me down. I want to go out of town tomorrow, go fishing, to go back into town, but I'm scared. Scared to try, scared I'll be wore out, scared it will wear me down. See I did that, I soared last round, then it knocked me down and I'm afraid to soar too highly, for I am tired now. Maybe that's it. I'm just tired and need to sleep. Take a break. I told someone, I love to sleep, dream, because I don't have cancer in my sleep. I have hair and energy all the time. I have no fear of talking about or blogging about cancer. I'm afraid I'm going to wear down my family and friends. Some of them I already am. I can't read minds but I read expressions and the expressions are "ugg, cancer again..." I've been very careful not to allow myself to say "I don't want this, I don't want cancer." Because I don't want to be weak. But I don't say it, haven't said it. After almost 3 months of this, I don't want cancer. I don't want cancer. I don't want this. I just want to be normal. I just want to get away. Get away. Run. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm sorry. I'm sorry but it's my human nature to want this to pass from me. Before Jesus went to the cross, He said, "Let this cup pass from me, if it be your will." We all have some cross or another. I'm just expressing human nature, to let this pass from me. If it be your will...I want to get away, but if I must walk this way, make a way. So now you have all heard my extremes from one end to the next. I hesitate before posting, but this is me, this is ME. I will make it through this, I just need to express it, let it go before it can grasp me. Tomorrow I will get up, I will beat this thing, I will. But tonight I just want to get away from it. Stupid cancer. ;)Love you, love me, love you, love me.

The Other side of Round 4

Slowly coming out of round 4. I thought I'd be a little more excited. A little more happy, but at this point, I just want to get through this. Today I'm wanting food. Food, that's the hardest part for me. Every 2 hours and EVERYTHING tastes nasty. Right now I'm living on grapes and Totinos. Blech. Totinos cause their crispy and grapes cause of the liquid. I can't stand, and I mean CANNOT STAND water. I look at it on my nightstand and sneer at it! I allow myself a Gatorade if, IF I can get through one 16oz bottle of water. But today, off and on I want other foods, cheesecake, ice cream, cake, chocolate. I had 4 gummy frogs and the first two were heaven, the other two tasted like nothing. My mind is consumed by food at this point. I get hungry every hour to two hours but can only stomach a handful of grapes or 1/2 a Totinos. Tonight though a friend brought my family Ham and Bean Soup and Cornbread and I had two bowls!!! Delish! It tasted sooo good! Maybe tomorrow I'll bake something. Okay enough on the food. So DD (dear daughter) goes to Girl Scout camp on Sunday, and I'm excited for her, mainly cause it's a notch in the summer and cause she enjoyed it so much last summer. DMIL (dear mother-in-law) will be here or is here, and it's so good to have more support after such a rough week. Well it's late friends so I'll sign off. Thanks for listening and love you, love me, love you, love me.

In the meantime...

So I am debating my thoughts. I feel like I'm coming out on the other side of chemo. I feel like I'm starting to get better, but I don't want to say that. For fear that I will be let down. For fear that it'll only get worst or something. But I can feel myself feeling a little better. I woke up this morning, took my morning med and fell back asleep, SITTING UP. It feels good to fall asleep sitting up. The lights were on, I felt relaxed. So hard to relax it seems. Now thinking of dinner, a normal thing to think about. I started counting down the hours at 8 of when Bill would come home. The last couple of nights when he gets home I sit out on the couch and just sit. Watch the news or stare. Last night I just stared off into space and would glance at him every once in awhile. Admiring him. His strength, his courage. I told him I was sorry. I feel sorry he has to go through this. He said, "I was made to do this". He was created to go through this with me. There is no one more perfectly suited to walk me through this. I love him so much. My kids were made to go through this. No, wait, they were given the strength to go through this. God has equipped my family to go through this. I just need to tap into that strength. My goal, today is to put some moose meat in a crockpot. Hmmm. I now I'm getting better if I'm thinking differently about food. Water? still a bit of an issue. I have a Gatorade I'm working on. Only made it about 1/2 though a 16 oz bottle of water yesterday and one Gatorade. A full bottle of water sitting here. Thinking about a watermelon slushie. Something for fluids. One step, one step, one step. Last night I asked Bill about Hawaii, what it's like in Dec/ Jan. Is it warm? "70's, It's always in the 70's". I cry a little to think I'll be there in a few months walking at night on the beach, holding Bill's hand. I'll appreciate it. I'll truely appreciate it. I also think of all the things I want to let go of, claustrophobia, bad television, things that are negative energy and that do me no good. I want to plan a trip to the East Coast next spring or fall. I miss my sister-in-law something fierce and I have some cousins I would like to meet. I want to move to Minto next summer for a few weeks. Ahh, so many plans, I must be getting better. All in God's plans though. I don't want to overstep them. He knows best. He knows best. I had a dream about my mom the other night. She talked. How long has it been since I've heard her voice. She was calm and soothing. I had another dream about her and my uncle last night. Then a dream in which I was fighting for my brother. I love to look closely at dreams, hear what God is saying. In my dream with my mom last night I keep telling her of things I wanted to do but, "in the meantime". She said "You keep saying in the meantime..." Then I knew I had to get up and do something, because THIS is the meantime. I looked in an old building, the old community hall, dogs were being housed there and I was so upset. She said "So and so fixed it up". She was finding the good. Find the good. Okay, a little bit of me today my ups and downs. Keep me in your prayers today...and in the meantime, I'll do the same. Love you, love me, love you, love me.

Hurts, Tired, Just go away

I don't want to have a crappy attitude. But I do. I'm tired. Physically, mentally, emotionally. I am somehow fighting it though. I think about how important it is to stay positive and to keep that thinking up. I never ever thought eating every 1-2 hours could be such a pain. But this poison is EATING up the cancer. I WILL NOT LET THIS CANCER TAKE ME. My kids are with my sister today for her birthday, I am missing the little get-together. I am sad. It's quiet here and a little too lonely. I had such a great week before the last round. Water. Water is another hard thing to swallow. I just don't like the taste of it, blech. To be honest, I'm not drinking it. I had a gatorade earlier. Water intake has been good all week. Today is Tuesday. Five days out from chemo, no wait 6 days out. Coming out of it tomorrow? Can't think about tomorrow. Yesterday? Two days ago? I mentioned to Bill that I was feeling jealous. Jealous of everyone who has little complaints. The sun's not shining. I miss my husband. I don't know what to cook for dinner. My rants. I'm sorry to rant. Everyone's got their problems. I respect that, I guess I'm just feeling sorry for myself. Ohh, normal. To be normal again. Will I ever, EVER be normal again? Maybe, maybe not. I'm going to hold on to God's UNCHANGING hand. It's all I've got at this point. He doesn't change, God doesn't change. I can hold on to that. I look at the clock every hour I count down until Bill gets home. I can somehow rest when he's here. Rest? I can feel, feel, loved. Held. He does so much for me, just being here. My kids are another. I love to hear them here, the laughter from the TV or the video game. The bickering, the microwave. Sounds I love and yet can sometimes do without. We're about an hour from Bill coming home. Elizabeth will be with him. My little Lelly. Keep me in your prayers folks. Love you, love me, love you, love me

Home Round Five of Six Another Divine appointment

Met a wonderful girl in the Infusion room! God put her there! She was so positive and so upbeat! Made my day! My chemo injects look something like this... I go in (the earlier you get there, the better the seat, if there is such a thing!) Next they set up with my port and call the pharmacy to let them know I am there and ready. I'm hooked up to anti-nausea medications. I usually call for breakfast. After the anti-nausea medications, I'm hooked up with 2 more anti nausea medications. After those the chemo. Drug 1 (Taxotere), then drug 2 (Carboplatin) and last drug 3 (Herceptin). I fall asleep right after I eat, and when I first started I wondered how comfortable the chairs would be, but they are NICE. Two pillows and two warm blankets! The afternoon after chemo varies, today I was TIRED! all those medications! Somedays I'm not too tired. I have the best group of nurses and love them all so much! They take the best care of me and I really honestly couldn't have asked for a better group of people! Today was another God given appointment. After chemo my aunty Eliza and I went into town via Anchorage city bus and shopped for a little bit at 5th Avenue Mall. We took another bus to ANMC (Hospital) We thought we'd make it int time for the airport shuttle, but it only comes every hour with the next bus set to come at 6:PM. Our plane was departing at 7:PM. I told her lets just take a cab. As we were walking out to the parking lot I prayed, God knows what He's doing. No cabs, but here walking across the parking lot...my brother in the Lord Ryan! Man some good words of encouragement. I sat and talked with him for a few minutes and then his sister Vanessa pulled up. We chatted and she asked what we were doing I told her we were waiting for the shuttle, she just said, let me take you. WHAT A BLESSING! We got to visit and laugh! LAUGHTER DOTH GOOD LIKE A MEDICINE! We made it on time for the plane and even had enough time to make a few stops at the airport! God is good and when we go with His plans he blesses us! I pray a blessing on Ryan, Vanessa, David, Janelle, Pauline, Tina (and her family) and Dale and Kevin and his family!