In the meantime...

So I am debating my thoughts. I feel like I'm coming out on the other side of chemo. I feel like I'm starting to get better, but I don't want to say that. For fear that I will be let down. For fear that it'll only get worst or something. But I can feel myself feeling a little better. I woke up this morning, took my morning med and fell back asleep, SITTING UP. It feels good to fall asleep sitting up. The lights were on, I felt relaxed. So hard to relax it seems. Now thinking of dinner, a normal thing to think about. I started counting down the hours at 8 of when Bill would come home. The last couple of nights when he gets home I sit out on the couch and just sit. Watch the news or stare. Last night I just stared off into space and would glance at him every once in awhile. Admiring him. His strength, his courage. I told him I was sorry. I feel sorry he has to go through this. He said, "I was made to do this". He was created to go through this with me. There is no one more perfectly suited to walk me through this. I love him so much. My kids were made to go through this. No, wait, they were given the strength to go through this. God has equipped my family to go through this. I just need to tap into that strength. My goal, today is to put some moose meat in a crockpot. Hmmm. I now I'm getting better if I'm thinking differently about food. Water? still a bit of an issue. I have a Gatorade I'm working on. Only made it about 1/2 though a 16 oz bottle of water yesterday and one Gatorade. A full bottle of water sitting here. Thinking about a watermelon slushie. Something for fluids. One step, one step, one step. Last night I asked Bill about Hawaii, what it's like in Dec/ Jan. Is it warm? "70's, It's always in the 70's". I cry a little to think I'll be there in a few months walking at night on the beach, holding Bill's hand. I'll appreciate it. I'll truely appreciate it. I also think of all the things I want to let go of, claustrophobia, bad television, things that are negative energy and that do me no good. I want to plan a trip to the East Coast next spring or fall. I miss my sister-in-law something fierce and I have some cousins I would like to meet. I want to move to Minto next summer for a few weeks. Ahh, so many plans, I must be getting better. All in God's plans though. I don't want to overstep them. He knows best. He knows best. I had a dream about my mom the other night. She talked. How long has it been since I've heard her voice. She was calm and soothing. I had another dream about her and my uncle last night. Then a dream in which I was fighting for my brother. I love to look closely at dreams, hear what God is saying. In my dream with my mom last night I keep telling her of things I wanted to do but, "in the meantime". She said "You keep saying in the meantime..." Then I knew I had to get up and do something, because THIS is the meantime. I looked in an old building, the old community hall, dogs were being housed there and I was so upset. She said "So and so fixed it up". She was finding the good. Find the good. Okay, a little bit of me today my ups and downs. Keep me in your prayers today...and in the meantime, I'll do the same. Love you, love me, love you, love me.