Getting away

I remember when my mom had cancer. I was there, everyday. I lived it, breathed it. I remember wanting to get away. To run from the cancer to make it go away from her, to take her away from the cancer. But I couldn't. And I can't now. I don't get days off. I don't get days to run away, get away. I can only think of the better days, and I have to be okay with that, with them. My last round of chemo, I was on a high a week afterwards. I went to MINTO. I WENT TO MINTO. I got away from cancer for a minute, 10 minutes, a whole day. I could forget for a few minutes. I can't now. I can't seem to get away. I have moments, great spectacular moments. This morning, exhilarating, I went into town. I was going to beat this. I was going to WIN. And the day wore on, it wore me down. I want to go out of town tomorrow, go fishing, to go back into town, but I'm scared. Scared to try, scared I'll be wore out, scared it will wear me down. See I did that, I soared last round, then it knocked me down and I'm afraid to soar too highly, for I am tired now. Maybe that's it. I'm just tired and need to sleep. Take a break. I told someone, I love to sleep, dream, because I don't have cancer in my sleep. I have hair and energy all the time. I have no fear of talking about or blogging about cancer. I'm afraid I'm going to wear down my family and friends. Some of them I already am. I can't read minds but I read expressions and the expressions are "ugg, cancer again..." I've been very careful not to allow myself to say "I don't want this, I don't want cancer." Because I don't want to be weak. But I don't say it, haven't said it. After almost 3 months of this, I don't want cancer. I don't want cancer. I don't want this. I just want to be normal. I just want to get away. Get away. Run. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm sorry. I'm sorry but it's my human nature to want this to pass from me. Before Jesus went to the cross, He said, "Let this cup pass from me, if it be your will." We all have some cross or another. I'm just expressing human nature, to let this pass from me. If it be your will...I want to get away, but if I must walk this way, make a way. So now you have all heard my extremes from one end to the next. I hesitate before posting, but this is me, this is ME. I will make it through this, I just need to express it, let it go before it can grasp me. Tomorrow I will get up, I will beat this thing, I will. But tonight I just want to get away from it. Stupid cancer. ;)Love you, love me, love you, love me.