8/31/11 Wednesday

Hellooooo world! Today Wednesday. Home with Lelly poo, we did laundry (caught up again), cleaned up a little around the house and made dinner! Yippee! Oh, also fooled around with the computer trying to download anti-spyware. Dinner? Sheppard's pie. My sister-in-law Heather's recipe. I thought of her, missed her and her beautiful laughter that came with such a great recipe! It was delish! Everyday I find something to be so grateful for. Today, house cleaning and dinner! Although just another day at home, another day to be blessed and love my life as a mother and wife! Bill asked me how I was when he got home from work and I told him, "normal"! Normal is not normal for me anymore. "Normal" is BLESSED. Blessed to be through with chemo but if I had to go through it again, I know I can face anything with God. I'm not saying it wouldn't be hard, I just know who holds my hand! Love you, love me, love you, love me!

8/30/11 Tuesday Nails and Caribou Pot Stew

So very thankful tonight for my sisters Candy and Rachelle. I went over to Rachelle's this morning and she did a beautiful job on my nails. I've been wanting for weeks to get them done, but didn't want to pay any money and just didn't want to go to the salon. (weird I know...)Then for dinner THE HOUCKS... where my brother-in-law and his brother brought home some caribou! The stew was unbelievable! Thank you Lord for tastebuds! After I picked my kids up from school we (I) sang and danced and danced, so happy to not be sick, to not be tired, to not be...? Happy to be happy! There are things I won't not be thankful for everyday. Oh Lord thank you for Life and life more abundantly! God you are good! Love you, love me, love you, love me!

Monday, Monday

So today. Lil Miss Elizabeth and I spent the day together. We ate breakfast after Bill and the kids left, we did a couple of loads of laundry, starting sewing on Olivia's Girl Scout patches, changed the sheets in my bedroom and watched "Tangled". It wore me out! I was so tired we ended up eating lunch and taking a nap. I wonder if it's just the illness from the weekend, or over-doing it last week. Either way I am glad this is temporary. Not just cause I finished my last round but I have realized, all, ALL of this is temporary. This life is temporary and one day I'll be where there's no pain, no suffering, no crying. So I'm okay with today. I'm okay with the aches, pains and trials. God still loves me, still holds me and that's all I need. I am looking forward to my next trip to Anchorage, mainly cause I won't have to go down for chemo! Maybe I can actually enjoy this trip. Not that I haven't enjoyed the other trips, I have just had the thought of "okay, this is what I'm here for". Kind of like a fighter traveling to Vegas, I guess, lol! (little known fact, I really like boxing...)Okay, okay that's to end my boring, yet very happy Monday. Monday. Love you, love me, love you, love me.

Sunday 8/28/11

I woke up this morning in time for church, but just couldn't make it. I felt so bad, I miss my church family and just wish to go back! I will though, I know I will. Sick again today, not as bad, but still stomach flu. That's what I'm calling it anyway. I honestly thought if I had to spend time in bed ever again, I would be angry, but I'm not. It's just what it is and this isn't going to last forever. I have been thinking that thought lately, how much sometimes we want time to just "hurry up". But it goes by as fast as it went by a week ago or as fast as it will go in a few weeks. My thoughts and prayers go out to my family and friends on the east coast. Love you, love me, love you, love me.

Saturday 8/27/11

Wow! Sick with the stomach flu! To think! I blame the Chinese food. This isn't chemo sick, it's a different sick. A stomach sick with headache and temperature. Bill had to work this afternoon, but Elizabeth took a nap right after he left. She cried for him. :( I watched Crazy Heart this afternoon and that helped time to go by. Bill says if I still have a temperature I have to go into the hospital. That's the last thing I want. I can just picture myself having to spend the night in the hospital... I called my sister Candy and had her pray with me, and MAN I felt so much better! I am so thankful for my sisters! What a huge support they have been! Thank you Lord! So as I head to bed tonight, I am thankful I am sleeping in my own bed! I will overcome this. With God all things are possible!

Friday 8/26/11 Date Night

So, date night, first one since our trip to Anchorage in July and then before that in May? WOW! It was really nice. Elizabeth wanted to go to school today, which gave me a chance to get caught up on paperwork and cleaning out our desk. I've realized in addition to everything Bill is doing he also takes care about the bills and finances. I really do wish for him to get time off after this crazy summer. Today I picked up my kids from school (they get out early on Fridays). I took them to lunch, Subway, hey they're not hard to please. I had Safeway Chinese food. We ate and laughed. If cancer is giving me something, it's being able to look at situations, circumstances and change my attitude. I laugh so much more with my kids. I make jokes and we laugh! We headed home and spent the afternoon, me in the bedroom (just feeling drained and my stomach a bit achy). I picked up Elizabeth then Bill and we headed home. Met up with my dad had a really nice visit. Took the kids over to Rachelle's (my sister). We ate at Brewster's a local restaurant. Mushroom burger for me, Jalapeno Burger for him. Then as I posted on Facebook, no date is complete without a trip to Fred Meyer. A nice date all in all and a day full of laughs...Love you, love me, love you, love me.

Thursday 8/25

Up and Adam! Spent the day doing laundry, cleaning the house! To clean the house! I feel like a mom! I feel fantastic! I'm not 100%, but I don't care! I made dinner tonight, fajitas. Oh my! they were delish! One of the things I was totally craving this last round, steak and mexican and this HIT. THE. SPOT! So thankful to be able to cook and taste and just make my family happy. I even cooked corn bread. We ate a very late dinner, but hey, I'm a little outta practice! That's OKAY! We're ending our first full week of school and the kids are loving it! I am loving that they are no longer rotting their brains with TV or computer or xbox 360. They've been spending after school at Bill's work as we still are working on getting Bill's truck running so we're still down to one vehicle. I'm not complaining tho. It brings us together, once in the morning, once in the evening. But that's not to say I won't be glad we when do get it back. Easier to haul trash, water, firewood and take to Minto! Ah, Minto! How I miss you Minto! I shall soon be home in Minto! Well this ends it for this Thursday. Love you, love me, love you, love me!

Thankful

Learning the art of being thankful, again. As I type I'm in bed, yes, wishing I could be here or there doing this or that, but I'm not and I'm thankful. I am where I am and God is still God. God is still good. There's a million other things I want to do wash laundry, clean the bathroom, change my sheets, put photos in albums, crafts and the list goes on... But today, today I will choose to be thankful for what I do have and what I can do. I am alive I am breathing, I have friends and facebook. I have sisters and a brother who love me dearly. I have a husband who does endlessly. I have a phone with text messages and a laptop to watch movies or surf the internet. I have a television and electricity. I have a God I can talk to at any time, no reservations, no condemnation. I can't do it all, but I have all I need in Him. I am where I am, and I am okay with that. I can't look back with regret, then I'm not thankful. I can't look ahead with worry, then I'm not thankful. I am learning to be content in all things. It's hard sometimes. But the biggest lesson to being content is being thankful in the smallest of things. Little things add up.
It's Saturday after chemo, so that means the thick of it. I start to feel down and remind myself, the last one... I stay in bed ALL day, watching TV, surfing the internet. It's not as fun as you'd think. Oh and I eat. Every hour or so eat, I can't taste the food, but I do believe the meds make me hungry. Today the door to the bedroom was mostly shut, I had my nieces and nephews over, what good kids. I didn't even hear them! Bill watched them and MAN what good kids! Back to the door. There are times when I HAVE to have it open so I can hear LIFE beyond these walls. But that makes me think, there are times in my life when I don't FEEL God. I wonder if He's there, if He cares. But it's not what I FEEL, but what I trust. I don't feel like I will ever get my to do list done, but that doesn't mean it won't. I just have to be in this moment not trusting what I'm feeling but being thankful for what I have, where I am, WHO I am and that I am LOVED! Love you, love me, Love you, love me.

Fridays are my favorite

So Fridays after chemo aren't my favorite, they are usually day 4. So that means into days 5 and 6. I was told that these would be my hardest and they are difficult, but I am thankful for a strong mental attitude, friends and family pulling for me and God who is my strength and shield. So here's to the weekend! Love you, love me, love you, love me!

Not Food

So I said I wouldn't talk about food, but none the less. Chemo for me means lack of taste and increase in hunger and that translates to food. So I will chat about Anchorage and my experience there. I got to spend time with friends and family. I stayed at the Quana House, a housing until set up for traveling patients and this was nice to not have to worry about housing, transportation, or food. The housing was set up in a dorm room style with two beds, desk, bathroom, TV and small refrigerator. I was also given a meal card for the hospital cafeteria, which really helped!
For my doctor's update, this will be my last round on Taxotere and Carboplatin and she doesn't consider herceptin necessarily a chemo drug, which strengthens me!
Today was a good day. I give God the credit for the this! I love strong days! God is good! Love you, love me, love you, love me!

Round 6 Day 2

Sooooo. Last round of Taxotere (causes stomach issues, hair loss. blah, blah, blah) and Carboplatin (causes nail changes, and blah, blah, blah). I probably shouldn't be blogging I am a little grouchy... but I really shouldn't be. With the "chemo" drugs over I will now be on Heceptin which will keep the cancer from coming back for the next year. This drug is not as invasive and I will be able to have surgery soon. As soon as next month, so keep me in your prayers about that! I have been trying very hard to stay positive this round, even though it has just started. Already I started losing my tastebuds, but it's for the last time and it's killing the cancer. For that I am thankful for. I am also so very grateful for my sister (in-law) and Mom (in-law), I was able to see them today and what strength they give me. They are positive, and always listen never quick to judge or give negitive reviews. I'm so fortunet for God to bring such special joys into my life. I am also thankful for my cousin Lucy who loaned Agnes and I her car for the day to go shopping. I am thankful for my kids to shop for and for my husband who is my strength and my rock, He is God's hands and feet. Thank you to Agnes for putting up with me all week and just being there! Okay enough of the mushy stuff. Love you, love me, love you love me!

Saturday 8/6/11

THAI FOOD! Went out the Farmer's Market and out for Thai food at "Siam Dishes" BEST MEAL EVER! It was sooo delish! I think it was a combination of lack of food, good company (sister-in-law, mother-in-law, and daughters) and just being REALLY GOOD FOOD! I had the Pad Thai with Shrimp and Lelly and Olivia had the Fried Rice! Every round God blesses me with good food that I can think about during the next round, I remember one round being Taco Del Mar with Olivia and Billy. One round was with Bill. Okay, enough about food. We brought the girls home then to the movies to see "Change Up" (a little raunchy if you ask me, funny in parts tho!) then "Crazy, Stupid, Love". Loved this movie. With Steve Carell. Great funny movie. Thank you Cristina for helping me to escape crazy cancer! Another great day. Got home really late and enjoyed some visiting time with mom-in-law and hubby. Again blessed with a wonderful family God knows just who we need in our lives! Love you, love me, love you, love me!

Friday 8/5/11

Friday, friday, everybody's looking to Friday.! THE FAIR and food! How thankful and Blessed I am! I asked God why it was taking so long for me to get over this last chemo round and He answered me tonight when I was walking around at the fair. So that I would be as thankful as I am to walk around at the fair and TRUELY enjoy food and my family. I walked around with my girls. This was the first year our son walked on his own. Within 10 minutes he found the basketball hoop game and won 2 big prizes! He also got his School name on the board! What a kid! Miss Olivia got her face painted and went on some of the big scary rides all by herself! She also helped with her little sister and dragged Grandpa on a ride he said he went on 30 years ago! What a fine day indeed! Feeling pretty much normal other than VERY tired from the walking! But God is good! Love you, love me, love you, love me!

Thursday 8/4/11

Tastebuds almost completely back! Feeling good, optimistic a lot better mentally than last round. My inlaws are on their way here! Gives me a lot to look forward to, family, fair, food! I drove over to my sister Rachelle's tonight. The only thing I miss more than food during chemo week is my sisters and their kids. My sisters and I talk at the very least every other day and we see each other at least once a week. I am so blessed to have sistes who take such good care of me and my kids. I am TRUELY blessed! God is good, love you love me, love you, love me!

Taste buds back after round 5

So today I've gotten my taste buds back...somewhat. I can taste "sour patch" kids. I didn't eat or should I say haven't eaten any grapes today. There's still some time left, so there's still a chance. Hopefully I'll venture out tomorrow. Visit my sisters. Elizabeth cut her hair this morning. I take the grapes thing back. As I was typing I had to go get some. First I tried sherbert. I could taste the first bite then crap. So grapes it is. I tried coffee this morning too. First couple sips, great, then crap. It'll get better. Next couple days, fair. I miss my sisters and their kids, just learning to be still and be patient. It'll come. Time will come soon enough. My travel was set for my next trip. I'll leave on Sunday, blood draw Monday, chemo Tuesday, travel home Wednesday. The last couple of rounds I've flow home on Tuesday after chemo, but I was so sleepy this last round I wanted to give myself time to sleep a bit. Hotels are crazy expensive in the summer, but I need the extra time, I need to sleep. As I said before I'm pumped full of anti-nausea medicine and anyone who knows anti-nausea knows they make you drowsy. I just wanted to keep sleeping after chemo but it was over and they were kicking me out. It also seems like each round of chemo takes less and less time. I think cause I got the medi-port and numbing meds beforehand. I wonder how kids can go through this and they must give them alot of sleep medication before, during  and after chemo. My heart goes out to parents, I know what's it's like to be a parent and I know what it's like to want to make the pain go. Then I know what it's like to go through this stuff. I was looking through pictures of my nephew who's a down's syndrome baby (big boy) and was thinking about my sister and what she must've gone through the 5 and 1/2 weeks before he was able to come home. I thought about what a fighter he is and how I want to be a fighter. I love that little boy! ( I have a picture of him in my dresser next to my bed where he's hooked up to machines and it reminds me of what a fighter he is and how I want to be.) He's 3 and 1/2 now and what a kid! So it's getting late folks, I'm headed out. love you, love me, love you, love me.

Day 8 Round 5

Another day down. Literally and figuratively. Spent another day in bed, did get up for a shower, to clean up the bathroom a little and heat up hotdogs. Ah, the little blessings. I am blessed though, blessed to get up for one day. I'll take it. I'll take the little bit of getting up. Bill headed to Minto tonight after work to get in line for a moose permit. Sad to have him gone and trying hard not to be too dependent on him. I have these moments of panic throughout the day, I have to stop myself to breathe through and remember that I am going to make it through this. It's in these moments where I feel very alone and weak. But in my weakness I know God is made strong. I really don't want to become to dependent on Bill, but at the same time I am learning where to be dependent on Bill and God. Tonight for dinner, hot dogs. I cooked! I COOKED! I know it's just hotdogs, but I did it. I've been waiting a few days to get back into the kitchen. Grapes again today, I've eaten over 6 lbs of grapes in the last 4 days. It's the only thing I can seem to eat/ taste. The chemo takes away the taste of food and irritates my stomach, so I am liking stronger foods or foods that have no taste to begin with. I crave salty/ sugary foods. Fried foods (except to look at them makes me nauseous) And I don't like the smell of foods. I heard (on Food network) that 70% of taste is the smell. Hmm, makes sense... Well it's getting late and time to get the baby into bed. Keep them prayers a comin'. Love you, love me, love you, love me.

Day 7 of Round 5

It's been a week and I'm still not over the nausea. Eating every couple of hours. Tonight it was boiled eggs and grapes. Yes, that's right. Man I could go for anything else! Been watching Food Network and Anthony Bourdains No Reservations all night, for inspiration and cause I'm so hungry. I hate to complain, just hungry and in a day or so I'll have eaten my way through the fair. There's a reason chemo patients GAIN 10 lbs. We'll see. Bill bought me 2-3lb boxes of grapes on Saturday and I finished one and am 1/2 through the other. Seriously. Grapes. Only thing I can seem to eat. Water was going good until Bill got home then I stopped. It helps when he's encouraging, makes me want to keep the fluids. Getting ready to take meds now, I am blessed that food is my issue and not something more. I am blessed where I'm at and that's okay. I didn't get out of bed much today. I told myself if I did then I would have to drink more water. I couldn't get out of bed. Mostly nausea today. Which is weird, cause I should be over this, but if there's one thing I've learned each round different. Each day different. It's about MY journey. This is my journey and everyday I think I can't, I can and do. I am. I am fighting this, God is leading me through. Last night I heard the song, "The Climb". Cheesy I know, but I hear songs in my head when I'm going through a rough place and this is the song I heard. Just gotta keep pushing on. I'm going through the climb of my life, but I'm doing it. Everyday, little by little, step by step. If you ever thought you couldn't, you can, if you ever want to give up, don't, I'm not. I'm fighting this battle, my battle, now you fight yours and we'll do this together. We'll come out together on the other side. Together. Love you, love me, love you, love me.