1/30/12 Evening game and VISITING

Tonight was Billy/ mom date night. I went to his game, watched him play and then we went to "Coldstone Creamery". It was so nice! The night started out with a very quiet ride into town every song I started to sing to my preteen would change the song... :) By the time we were headed home he was chatting effortlessly. And now I smile, so thankful to have this time with my baby boy! I know he will be so embaressed by this but that's what we do as parents, right? I learned it by watching my dad... :)

1.28.12 More of my story!

I am soooo happy! I got to go to my son's basketball game! He's playing on two teams this year, a competitive team and a non-comp team. The comp. team plays Sept. through May and the non-comp. from Jan to Mar. I never really liked basketball very much ever but my hubby played high school and Jr. college. In high school in Minto, there never was too much to do and basketball is huge in the Native communities in Alaska, so I tolerated it. This may actually surprise some of you because I went to all the games, cheered and even declared myself and my sister "cheerleaders". But to tell the truth, I didn't love it. Mainly I think because I thought it was a little overrated and growing up in the city, I knew there were other things (sports/ activities) to get interested in. When I was going to school in Fairbanks (first West Valley for 2 years, then Lathrop for a year and half) I was lost in the system. Or looking back now I think I became "lost" academically. My grades started to fall in sixth grade and went downhill into Junior High. I began High School in the wrong direction, although I had some GREAT friends. I skipped a lot of school at West Valley and blamed everyone around me. Of course there are times I look back and think I wish I could have done a little better, but it was all in a greater plan. My parent decided they were going to move to Minto the winter of 1992-1993. I decided I would tough it out and become an adult on my own. I found a "roommate", who basically took me in (love you Dorothy!) I lasted a month or two and followed my mom and dad. I moved to Minto where I lived. I babysat here and there and it was at one of these jobs that I met Joe Goldstein. He was a teacher at Minto School and motivated me to get it into gear. His words were something like "You'll never graduate, you might as well just get your GED." I took those words and RAN! There was no way I wasn't going to graduate! I enrolled myself in school took all the required classes plus more to graduate. I started 1993-1994 with 6 classes plus 3. In addition to the classes I ran for school president, headed up Prom and worked my butt off. I graduated in May 1994 with my brother. I can see now how God had His hand in my life and was taking care of me and answering my parent's prayers! My last line in my graduation speech was, "Dad, you always said Blink your eyes and turn your head and you'll be 40, well dad, blink your eyes and turn your head, I just graduated."

1.27.12 COLD WEEKEND

So, I have learned through this journey that there are other things in life to be upset about and cold weather is not one of them... I'm actually kinda smiling cause it means I won't be the only one staying in bed! Billy has games this weekend (basketball) so I think I may head out and try it. Sometimes (most times) this is a day by day thing. That's okay. It's been cold here and suppose to be through the weekend. I've been back to cooking and tonight I took the night off! NICE! I am so happy to be back in the kitchen cooking and I may start baking again too! This will be short n sweet, kinda like me (I say kinda cause my sisters are shorter than me! :)

1.25.12 Electronic Free Wednesdays

So, today on the way home from work, I was listening to Joel Olsteen and he was talking about "Garbage in, Garbage out". He talked about how short life is to live it filling our minds with junk. He also made a statement about allowing the TV to be a babysitter and allowing our children to watch whatever they wanted. So it got me to thinking about how much TV I allow my kids to watch and how much video games and other mindless crap I allow to entertain my kids. I also thought about how much time I really am spending with them. Over a month ago I put a lock on the computer so it would shut off at 7PM. That's good and all, but I felt for me and my kids I needed to go a step further. I've also given up my soap opera (over 3 months ago). I feel like these little things are making me more healthy. I'm spending more time with my kids and enjoying getting to know them, love them, appreciate them. I hope one day they can say the same about this time we're spending together. I know this isn't all going to change overnight, but little changes now... for a big change later. I hope I don't sound to "braggy-brag", just what I'm going through. There was some resistance, but in the end I found us sitting on the living room floor, laughing and playing a board game. How blessed I feel! To be out of bed and out playing with my kids! I also made dinner again tonight and we had my brother (in-law) Stephen over for dinner and it was so nice! I made a pineapple upside down cake and blessed my husband! Well, time to end here...love you, love me, love you, love me!

1.23.12 A real Treat

When we were kids, and teenagers a real treat to us was eating a sliced banana in a bowl of milk. Mmm. I'm not sure what we really saw in it. Looking back I wonder if grocery shopping was difficult for my mom. She was blind, and she never complained about it, nor talked about things as being difficult. We simply took the city bus, and helped where we could. I remember vaccuming the floor and when we were still too young to vacuum she would have us pick up the bigger things on the floor before she would vacuum. My mom kept our house very clean and looking back, how blessed I am for that. It has taught me, not necessarily how to clean, but how important my role is in the family. Looking back on the last 8 months, I have been limited in what I can do. At times I have heard God saying "Be still and KNOW that I am God". He has taken care of my family, not just fiancially, but physically. My kids have learned the importance of their roles in the family, God has shown me what an amazing man, husband, and father Bill is. (I love you Carol Stone for the man you raised!)


So now for the first time in months, I can look to tomorrow and the spring and summer. I can look forward to my laundry, dishes, grocery shopping, working out and a real treat... love you, love me, love you, love me.

1.17.11 Boost Up

Tuesday my last Tuesday. Yesterday I met with the doctor and it was a VERY, VERY short visit. My last week of radiation so not a whole lot to talk about. I am ready to be done with this? Yes, Yes I am. I am ready to be done with Breast Cancer completely. I will miss the trips to Anchorage, I will miss the friends I have made at ANMC, but I guess there are times when I just want this to be done with and go to a place where there is no cancer. I know that I will always have it in the back of my mind, but what I have to remember is the good in the front of my mind. What good cancer did to me. It brought me closer to some, I made friends with folks, I learned how important my husband and kids are to me. I learned to love myself, I learned to speak my mind. I learned how important I am to God. I can go on and on. That is why I say I am blessed folks. It's like seeing the world through a whole new set of eyes. I HAVE to say, I feel I am a whole new parent. I truely am! My boost up. Three more to go. Only three, and already feeling a little nostalgic. But I'm on the up and up. Everyday the pain is a little less and a little less.
Tonight, my son and I sat on the couch (THE COUCH!) and watched TV. We made popcorn and he let me hold him and we joked and kidded and I loved EVERY minute of it. I love those moments when kids be kids and I as a parent let go of reminding and nagging and just love. (I wonder if God enjoys this too? Me being me and BJ being my little Beej) Okay, okay ... my last thought of the day
I remember hearing someone early on in my diagnosis, "this is do-able." TOTALLY DO-ABLE! I can do this. I can DO THIS! And look, you, YOU friends were here to help me every step of the way! Love you, love me, love you, love me!

1.15.12 My Spot

soo, with the heating pad going... It gets very cold here in Fairbanks in the winter (think -40 and if you've never been in -40 or don't remember it, think very cold) I, like my mom, once my feet get cold, it's hard to warm them up. At times I want to ask Bill to put up a thermometer outside of our bedroom window, but then do I REALLY want to know how cold it is? Hmm? My bed faces my closet and my TV is to the left (my left of the closet), to the left of that on the left wall is the door to my bedroom. As I sit in bed (and have been, [no complaining though]) I have two windows to my immediate right one on the right wall and one next to the bed. I write all of this to give whoever is interested an idea into where I sit and type this blog, check my facebook and my general "spot" to rid of cancer. :) *giggle* On my really good days, I go out to the living room to the couch and even on some rough days. This however is my favorite spot, it's quiet, yet I can still faintly hear what's happening in most of the house. I can see out the window to the trees, now covered with snow. I have my laptop (a mother's day gift last year), my heating pad, a couple of lovely knitted/ crocheted blankets my nightstand full of things to help me pass the time, my cell phone and this makes life beautiful.
So yesterday, Saturday Sewing Circle. Ah, hot tea, good friends and sewing. I am so glad to be getting back into things. Things that keep me busy and take me out of my "spot". It's good to get out to see people and enjoy life with others. I can't wait for the next! Well that's all for now, love you, love me, love you, love me.

1.13.12 My Bucket List

So at some point in the last 8 months or so I have started a mental bucket list. One of the things I most recently added was that I wanted to go to hockey game. It's been so long since I've been to one. My brother and I would go almost every weekend. This was before either of us could drive, so Friday after school we'd clean the house, shovel the driveway and get ready to bribe my dad into taking us to the "Big Dipper" to watch. We'd watch "The Gold Kings". Since I have taken up waking there at the big dipper on the walking track, I watch different teams and whatnot practice and this got me to thinking about going to a game. So I prayed about it and I'm here in Anchorage for Herceptin/Chemo and spending one night. My cousin came to pick my brother and I up at the airport. She had mentioned her daughter having a hockey game and I WENT! It was sooo nice to spend time with my cousin/ bff AND go to a hockey game. I can cross that off my list! I am telling you folks, it's the little things that make a world of difference! So now to post or not to post my bucket list? I do believe I will start a list.. and add to it as necessary. But I will start it without a date, and at another time. For now, Love you, love me, love you, love me

1.11.12 The Patient

Hi all, well rads are going. 2 days left of regular radiation and 1 week of boost. In other words, and this still is a little, I don't completely understand it... my radiation is "around" where my lympth nodes/ breast was. The boost will be directly where my breast/ tumor was. I have to give MAJOR props to my girls at Radiation Oncology. They are GREAT! I absolutely love them!

                                           The gals at Radiology! Love you!
So my title tonight "The Patient". If you ever get the chance, ask for your medical record or your last check-up. It's so weird to hear oneself as "The patient". As if I were a patient. I guess I just don't really think of myself as one. I think of myself more as a lady who's really positive and nice and pleasant to be around. I also made myself this promise that I would NOT be the "crabby cancer lady". And so far, I can say I'm not. I like the new me.

                                          This doesn't look like a crabby cancer patient to me!

Don't get me wrong, I have my bad days or crabby days. I just doubt I would be the kind of person to type away curse words at the world. Why? Why waste my time? Having a good attitude is so much more important to me. Also, I mentioned to Bill the burning associated with my radiation. I asked how do I blog this? I don't want others to think my life is all rosey, this crap hurts! In fact I wasn't going to mention it at all. I don't want to scare anyone who might have to go through this. But I feel it's important to tell my story, MY story. My pain is different. My story is different. So the ugly truth about rads for Rhonda? This crap hurts her, but she's doing it. It's do-able. It's do-able folks. I'm doing it. I don't know how. I know it's God, but I can't explain to you how I manage to get up, get into the car and go to a place that's burning the crap out underneath my arm and on my chest. Bill says it's just something we do. We just know it has to be done, so we do it. I love this guy. So with that and 2 more to go then, the boost, love you, love me, love you, love me.

1.9.12 Rads and the best part of my day

So I had a great Monday. I am so very tired right now, but so very blessed. I had so many "best" parts it's hard to pinpoint the very best. I guess it started with my rads appointment. I have them in the morning. I drop Bill off at work, the kids at school and Lelly to school. From there I head back over to the hospital and Radiation Oncology. Monday appointments are the longest of the week lasting about an hour. Radiation itself takes about 15 minutes. Today before we got started I mentioned to the techs my skin the pain. I was told I am on 24 of 29 and then 5 "boost". That means 1 more week of this! Then 1 week of the "boost" (won't be in the area that's burning). I was also told my skin looks good for where it's at, not too bad and usually about a week after I stop the healing will begin. This is all VERY good news to me! It means I'm almost done with this phase and I can move on to the next in my recovery! I am so very happy! Next I talked to the doctor and everything seems to be going good! From my appointment I met up with my friend/ sister Mindona and we walked at the Big Dipper (Ice rink with a walking track). We walked two miles and it felt great! Next she took me home, but first we stopped at Safeway and I picked up some Aquaphor (crazy expensive lotion), but so far well worth it. I came home to relax and let my owie heal a bit. I tried to nap, but it wasn't happening, which is also another good thing because that means I will get a good sleep tonight. I had one downside, it's been bothering me for a few weeks. I guess someone was asking about why I wasn't staying at home with Elizabeth and putting her in daycare. This isn't something I really WANT to do, I want my baby to stay at home with me. But right now I just can't offer her the care and attention she needs. I am so very tired all day and at this point moving my arm is painful (I don't even like driving and anyone who knows me, knows I LOVE to drive.) I guess I need to vent or explain or something. I am doing all that I can to be good to MY body and to work on feeling better so I can be the BEST mom possible. That means Elizabeth in daycare for a short time. I am so very thankful to those of you who are supporting me in these efforts and for those who don't understand, that's okay. We don't always understand everything that others do and sometimes it's hard to support others when we don't understand. It's okay and I still love you and I still have you in my life. Love you, love me, love you, love me.

1.8.12 Weekend rads

So the radiation is starting to get to me. PAIN. It's terrible. Someone early on in my diagnosis gave me their horror story about radiation and I've taken that with me, trying so very despretely to not think of it, to let it go. I have not been able to yet.  I have to go braless and that's a pain in itself. There is a huge red square/ triangle on my chest form the radiation (rads) from my collar bone to underneith where my breast was (right side) to 1/2 under my arm pit and up to my collar bone. The pain is mostly under my arm pit. It rubs against itself and has caused some skin to rub off. Not fun folks. In addition to this I am BONE tired. I noticed it hits me on the weekends. Last night was game night. What a relief! I forgot about the pain/ irriation and weakness/ tiredness. I mentioned cancer only twice. I am so glad I went. I told Bill I needed to, to get my mind of rads. So the good stuff, I get weekends off from treatment, this is only for a short time (2 weeks), once you are treated in a certain area, you can NEVER be treated there again, this isn't chemo, it's painful but I'm DOING it. So as I wipe my tears and pick myself up I am so very grateful I can find the good in all of this. Yes, there's unpleasantness, but there is GOODNESS. There is hope, and this isn't all in vain. I know it's not in vain. That is why I say Thank you God. That is why I say I am blessed, because God helps me to see the good and not stay in the crappy unpleasantness. I guess THAT is what I consider "Leaning Into the Everlasting Arms". So wherever you are, whatever you are going through, don't stay stuck there. Think of a blessing, something to be thankful for, and remember, THAT goodness, comes from God. I love you. Love you, love me, love you, love me.

1.6.12 Toolbar list

I have this theory that lists are a glance at what a person is like, lists of favorites, lists of what's in their car, kitchen, whatever. So I will periodically make mental lists or look at the things in my life and say, what DOES that say about me. Now that I put it out there, it sounds much stranger that how I rationalize in my head. Anyhow, it is what it is and here is... 
Another random list... the list of what's on my toolbar...
~Myfamily
~Craigslist
~GCI mail
~You tube
~Blog
~Yahoo movies
~All recipes
~Netflix
~Bookmarks
~Yahoo mail
~Temperature
~Facebook
~ebay
~Yahoo shopping

Most used? Netflix or facebook
Least used? Never used Yahoo shopping, only glance at the temp, which always seems to be wrong to me... hmmm...

1.4.12 Things we take for granted

Antiperspirant. I miss it. So with radiation, I can't use antiperspirant, because of the chemicals. I can only use this deodorant that's made of organic... anyhow, I know a small thing to complain about, but I don't think, okay, I am. Wearing nice fitting blouses. Can't really do that either cause only have one girl. I know this may see a bit awkward for some of you reading, but I am determined to blog what I think, honestly. Other than these two things, not really much to complain about. When I walk, I have energy. When I feel lazy to pick up my daughter and put her in her seatbelt, or lazy to get myself a drink of water, I remember the days of feeling too sick to do anything and using the bathroom was a CHORE. Now when I am not so glad to do things, I see it differently. Having cancer has made me aware and when my kids are getting to the last nerve, I think of how grateful I am to have kids getting on my last nerve instead of sitting by their bedside as some parent have to with sick kids. Before all of this I wanted another child, and now I am just thankful for the ones I have and that God has blessed me with them. It's good, when I post on facebook, life is good, I don't mean it flagrantly, I mean it earnestly... Life is good, GOD is good. Love you, love me, love you, love me.

1.2.12 Top Nightstand drawer

Not so sure of what to write today, so I will post a little list of what's in my nightstand drawer. This may give an answer to those of you asking "WHAT'S in Rhonda's nightstand drawer?" or I suppose it can help those of you knowing someone just diagnosed and what's helping me.

God's Promises
More of God's Words of Life for Women
Daily Inspirations of Comfort
My Daily Psalms and Prayers
Love Letters from God (my favorite one)
"The Appeal" John Grisham (which is taking me over a month to read and finish

Three journals
One of past sermons
One with past sermons and my journal from last spring starting with my diagnosis
One with past workouts and eating habits from like last year ( but I think I was also using it for my meds list when I took, what I took and why I took, helped on my really hard days of chemo I would look back to see if there were any similarities or stuff I could look forward to...)

Blank notecards
meds I am currently on
~pain
~sleep
~moodiness (Me? Cranky? ?? Just kidding, yes folks, I have those days too..)

AA batteries
camera case
Memory cards
Jump Drive
Charger
usb cord
No camera though... hmmm

various pens including two sharpies (one of the pens is my dad's favorite, not sure how I got it but when I see it I think of him and gain strength! :)
A Christmas card


a plastic bag with
a nail file
toothpaste
dental floss
hand lotion
hand santizer
a nail buffer
lip balm and
extra plastic bags... hmmm?
Nail clipper
back Massager

bag of Lindt Lindor truffles
bag of Halls
a snickers
 and empty iphone box
wig tape

What do I use most?
my nail clipper to clean my nails
What do I use least, yet just have in there?
My camera? or my iphone box.

Okay that's the top dresser I'll save the bottom for later. Things you never knew you didn't want to know or never thought to ask, cause you don't really wanna know... :)