8.27.14 Dreams

We all have them or had them at one point. We can't let go of them. My dream lately is to follow the will of God. To be a blessing to someone else. To do the job I am called to do. Somedays, my only job is to care for my family. Recently, I have had thoughts about going back to work~~ but I know where I am called. Sometimes I feel as though I have made no impact on anyone, but it's those days, I know I have made an impact on my children, husband and that God is preparing me. I used to say that if someone knocked on my door and told me to pack my things that I was going to Africa to be a missionary, I would do it in a heartbeat. I had a friend ask me once, "What if someone knocked on your door and asked you to give the simplest of things." I could take that one step further, what if someone knocked on my door and told me to stay home and prayer, constantly for a day, a week, a month, a year? Would I be WILLING to? Funny. I couldn't say I would 10 years ago, maybe even 5 years ago. But I can say I've been there. Homebound and the only thing I could give is my prayers. I am blessed. I can say, I am blessed to do either.

Ummm. I also have this dream of a bakery... someday. I will, I will bake and bake and bake and never run out of flour, sugar, eggs, milk and CHOCOLATE!

Love you, love me, love you, love me.

Drop biscuits!

8.26.14 Trials and Above

So. So. So. I guess with this title you can pretty much go anywhere. I am coming out from behind a very, very, very dark curtain. I spent some time in my past. I let my emotions get the best of me. I let others vent to me all of my wrongs. But, I let it all go. I forgave and will not go back to that place. I know when I am going through something very difficult--that something very beautiful will come of it, if I let go. If I let the emotions flow, and then let it all go. By this I mean, when the thoughts or emotions come back to be angry or sad or lonesome--I remind myself that I let it out and I let it go. I have been there and have no reason to go back. Going back will only hinder my process of moving forward.

I have yet to share with my internet family and friends, I am back in treatment. I am still NO EVIDENCE of DISEASE. I continue CT/CAT scans, PET scans, blood draws, doctor visits and oral chemotherapy (preventative measures). But now my doctor has ordered me back to the infusion room every 3 weeks for a drug called Herceptin. Another preventative drug. Hmmm. How do I feel? Honored. Blessed. Because those who see with only natural eyes wonder why the cancer hasn't come back. I choose to see in the spiritual relm that I am healed and that this cancer won't come back. *smile* So I am blessed to take more infusions and oral chemotherapy to show, to prove how strong God is and how He is using me. I am blessed. So very blessed. Love you, love me, love you, love me!

8.13.14 Perfect

First all, I have something to say. I don't want to take the spotlight off of my wonderful husband, I love you, my love. I want to be a better wife, I want to be awesome for you, because you, you are my more than I could ask for or possibly imagine. You are my gift from God above. I love you and Happy Birthday.

I'm not perfect. I am not even close. I would be quick to say I don't deserve half of what I have been given, but God has forgiven me and given to me, so then I am worth it, He MADE me worth it. There are times when I find it so very hard to forgive myself. I think back to times when I went so wrong, with my words, my actions, my everything. But if I stay too long in the past, I start to believe that's who I am today. I AM NOT. Let me say that again. I AM NOT WHO I WAS IN THE PAST. I am not who I was yesterday. Yesterday green was my favorite color, today orange. I liked hummus yesterday, today I don't. Yesterday I yelled at my kids, today I didn't. I am ever, EVER growing, changing into a new creature, the old is past away. Like an coat filled with holes and rips, I threw it off, I put on something new. I don't see the fine threads coming loose, because this one feels, looks, smells so new to me. And then I put my hand in the pocket or I hear a tear, now I have the option of throwing that one off or letting the rips, tears, holes get bigger. Once in awhile someone will say "hey the girl with the torn-to-shreds coat". I say "Yeah that was me." Sometimes I think, because I wore that coat so long that I am still wearing it. It's then I reply, "Crap, I look terrible. I act terrible. I am terrible???" I walk back to places that I wore that old coat. I sing lonesome songs, I cry bitter tears, tears that I ONCE cried. Sometimes I need a friend to shake me, a sister to hold me, remind me of who I AM. Today, I am a mom who took her kids out for pizza for the only reason that today was their last day of summer. Then we went for ice-cream. Today I was a mom, a great mom. Today I got my husband a birthday cake and ice-cream, today I was a great wife. Today I shared with my sister and cried to my dad. Today I was a great sister and daughter. Today and this moment I am a beautiful, STRONG woman. I am a woman of God and no old coats can tell me I'm not. Worn-out garments cannot tell me that I am not worth anything just because I'm not perfect. I'm glad I'm not perfect, because that means I have more to learn, more to hear, to speak, to become. I will end with this...
A friend told me once you have to constantly be moving forward, if you stop don't stay in that place too long because then you will start to go backward. Keep moving forward.
Today, tonight I move forward...
Love you, love me, love you, love me.

Imperfect me!

8.1.14 BFF struggles?

A new day, a new month! YES! So grocery shopping today, which meant a trip into Anchorage. Keeping it real, I was wore out. But now it's late and time to go to bed so I am a bit more energized and awake.

I am missing my dad and brother tonight, maybe it's cause we grilled, maybe cause it's the weekend and I know I enjoy visiting with them and Bill. If they are reading, please know I miss, love and am praying for you guys!

Well more to post tomorrow. I also want to send a shout-out HAPPY BIRTHDAY to M.H. and LD, two of my bff's in another time. So with this I have a confession, I'm not the bestest of best friends. I lack in this area. I have lately been wondering if I am difficult to love to, or be close to. I take things very literally sometimes. I push people away. I become withdrawn, hard to reach. I am working through this, I am in the process. A few people have broken though with me and tomorrow and Sunday are the birthdays of two of these woman. I believe I suffered alot of lost friendships growing up. Not ANYONE's fault. There was a plan there, I met each of you when I was suppose to and love each of you. Actually thinking about it, I guess there were more than a few people have broke through to me, but I have noticed the older I get. Okay time to stop, I feel like I am feeling sorry for myself. I have more friends than I can count, I have been blessed beyond measure. I wish, I wish I could name you, those I am thinking of, I have been blessed by each of you.

Love you, Love me, Love you, Love me....