12.27.14 Aches, Pains and Just plain complaints!

Two days after Christmas. What a wonderful Christmas it was! Family, my brother and dad and all the kids! It was a blessing for sure! I was dead tired, but managed to finished up the cooking with the teenagers help.
Dinner surpassed even my expectation! Candle-light with Prime Rib! It was delightful, although I had heard the entire "Elf" movie re-enacted for the 2nd or 3rd time, I reminded myself in a year or two I would want to hear it over and over and hear the laughing!
It is now two days later and my body is so tired of being in bed. My joints ache to the strongest. Pain shoots in and out of joints. I'm never quiet sure where it will start. the last 24 hours it has been my hips. I wince in pain and wish for tears to fall, but it's not that kind of pain. More of a quick ache, sometimes and lately in my right elbow it stays, until I can handle the pain no longer and only wish I can cut it off. Usually a moment or two after that the pain subsides. It has been 3 weeks since my last pain pill. I just cannot take them anymore. After a year of taking them, my body, MY MIND says no more. I want a clear mind and will not let them control me. I am looking for more homeopathic remedies. Please keep me in your prayers.
My other complaints are just that, added on complaints. Usually when I get this way I can find no good in anything or anyone. I have to learn to no trust what I feel, but what I know to be true during these times. I learn to count my blessings. You, my kids are one of them. I am so blessed to have W. O. and E. here in my life. And for Bill and his patience. Through or\ur martial struggles, we find strength in each other. The romance is still there and still in bloom. I love you my love, with an everlasting love....


Love you, love me,love you, love me

12.21.14~~ Fighting

I had a whole theme going earlier. I had it all typed out in my mind. I knew exactly what I was going to say, then I got sucked into Pinterest and the rest is history.

So something I don't talk much about, would be about finances. But this is an area in which I have been learning to deal with pretty much all my life. Now combine finances with control and always wanting to control it. Now throw in a marriage and a little thing we call a mortgage and kids and WOW! (Not to mention that whole cancer thing) So reflecting back to my last post, my job is to fight cancer. Part of fighting cancer is to think positively. To be positive to not get down on myself or others. This is TOTALLY a marathon, because at first you know, I was all gung ho. I mean I was ready. I put on the running shoes, laced them up and started I was smiling waving at all my cheerleaders. (Fists-pumping-ready) Now I'm like okay, now what? Now where? Now who? I'm actually kinda walk/ running looking around. I start to pick up other "jobs", maybe before I'm suppose to or not at all. I try and take on finances or volunteer work or whatever and it starts to stress me out. Do you see this pattern?

Do you struggle with something like this? You WANT, no NEED to have control of something, but its not you that is controlling the situation, it's the situation controlling you.
    You need to be in control of your children's education so you start to work at the school and then THIS starts to stress you, the kids, the teacher out and their education declines...
    Maybe you have an addiction? You go to IT to control your inability to cope, and the more you go to it the less your ability TO cope. I like the nail biting illustration. I used to and still sometimes do, bite my nails. I got nervous, especially around people so I bite my nails to do something with my hands so people would see me DOING something. But then wow, they started to look crazy gross and I LOOKED crazy. Now I was drawing unwanted attention to myself.
    And what if it's not going your way? So you can't work at your kids school so you pull them out and try controlling the situation another way. What if, what if... it's not your job to control in a worrisome manner? Of course as parents we are to guide our children, but ultimately we are RAISING adults. We are showing them we care and we are giving them responsibility to FLY! I'm not saying don't work at your kids school or neglect them all together, you will know if it's what you should be doing.
    Making a mistake, so what if I screw up and fall while I'm trying to control everything? GET UP. LOOK AROUND. Maybe you are being put in a time of waiting and trusting. Maybe you're to stay in that spot until circumstances change, maybe you will have to turn or maybe you will have to walk this mistake out. But learn from it, and move when the time is right.

I guess my little lesson for myself comes from a few friends I know that are going through some trying times (and actually some friends who are not). As I type this it is Sunday, grocery day, I am not able to shop today, I had to give that piece of control up, but I'm okay with it. In fact I am thinking about the positive in it. I am releasing control of those things that I cannot control and trusting in my God. It will work out. Christmas dinner, Christmas gifts and traveling. Family, it will all work out because I'm letting go and I'm HAPPY to do so. Okay...

Love you, love me, Love you, love me...!

12.14.14 Should I Relieve for Shoulder relief?

So as time would have it, I have time today. Saturdays and Sundays are so relaxing for me, or really should be???
   The other night was a doozy for me. Alot of pain physically. I chatted with a friend the other day and learned something new.
   I tend to carry a lot of stress about everyday things, kids, the house, finances, relationships. When I was going through the chemo that had tons of side effects and made me extremely ill, it was decided that my job in the family was to fight cancer. ONLY fight cancer. Now that I am on a chemotherapy that allows me to do more, we as a family and I as a person am finding WHAT I can handle, WHAT my job is. It varies from day to day. Some days, I feel like I can take on the world. Other days I wonder if I can get a load of laundry done. I also am figuring out not just how much I can do physically, but mentally and emotionally. Am I just being lazy? Am I sad or upset? Why? Should I be reaching out at this point for my mental and emotional needs? Who can I reach out to without over stressing them out?
    As a side note this is partly, just who I am. I am a thinker and like to figure stuff out. I would say I am a jumper too. Just do it and get it over with! This circumstance isn't really a get it over with thing.     I've got a long road ahead of me, I want to kind of make sure I'm packed with the right equipment. I also would like to know who's traveling with me for support and those who I'm dragging along, cause I think I need their support.
     To ease up on my stress, I like to get it all out there. Most of the time Bill and the kids are the closest ones so I unload on them. :( But as of this last week, I am learning I need to have outlets for my stress, for my recovery. I need to be able to look around and see who I can trust.
    Trust is a big thing for me as well. I once had someone tell me that they would do whatever needed to be done, to call them for WHATEVER. So I called, and they couldn't. At the time I needed a ride, but now I realize it wasn't about the ride. It was about needing someone, some to talk to. It would've taken them way out of their way. This gives me the opportunity to forgive them, and try and trust again.
    There are people that I am just having the hardest time with, I believe I am having a hard time trusting their genuineness, ahhh,
    This now asks the question, "What if someone wants to be friends with you, but you just aren't able to provide them with the attention they need.  You aren't able to give? Shouldn't we ALL be giving ALL the time? What if someone just BEGS to be your friend? To be in on the know? Ah, all of life's questions cannot be answered in one swoop.
 I love this blog, because it gives me the chance to unload without hearing the whining and complaining of those who are unable to take this on. Also I would hope to think, if this blog's not for you, don't read it. I know it's working for me.
   Also note to self, when you start blogging in the middle of the day, you find yourself sucked in for the rest of the day, whereas when you start to blog at night, you only have a few minutes then you have to sleep. (but you're not boring...) :) Love you, love me, love you, love me!!

12.11.14 Fighter

I wish I could be the huge fighter I sometimes am, but not tonight. I made it to Elizabeth and T's Christmas Program. So blessed. I was on this emotional high. I did it, I kicked cancer's ass tonight. I laughed in it's face! I was also sick, fighting bouts of diarrhea. Yes, that's what I said. Side effect of the treatment. So I don't eat and sleep pretty much all day, cause it's all I CAN do, then, this.
I am so f-ing mad at cancer. I don't care that I'm swearing, words need to be said. I have to said this. I have to scream, this, this crap has taken so much from me. It takes my breath away at times. It takes my beautiful smile and kind words. It takes my ability to be strong, to be a kind person, mom, wife. I hate it. It has taken my friend's husband and she cries and I can't make her pain stop. It has taken so much and left me with a huge lump in my throat. I want to scream, I want...
    When I feel raw emotion like this, my first thought is, "I want to go home. I want my mom." Then I have to remind myself, I am home. I am the mom. I have to be strong for the kids, for Bill.I can only handle this for so long,and then I am stressed out to the max. This happens in literally a matter of minutes. Then I appear crazed. Ha.
   I saw the Ear, Nose and Throat doctor the other day. They saw a "spot" on my lymph node. Don't know what is. Ha. I also have had a build up of fluid under my incision that has been bothering me. This was drained and tested. It came back clear, all good, no cancer. Within 24 hours it filled again with fluid. I hate it. To top matters or add to them or whatever, I have a cavity. It hurts. I hate pain medicine. I am so terrified of getting addicted. It works great for the pain, but not so much later on, and we all know, unless you take care of the cavity, the pain will just come back, so HA. This has been my complaint form. Take it or leave it, I can guarantee I will be back and probably not as grouchy next time.

12.6.14 Blog worthy

What a day... what a day. I used to wonder why people would get so depressed during the Holidays. More and more it's become what I want, what I DON'T have, so now I'm depressed. I refuse to allow myself to get sucked up into this. I'm going to be REMINDED of what I have and that all of it is a gift. From those who love me to the ability to write, read, see, move... I AM blessed. It's just a matter of seeing it, through those BLESSED eyes. If you struggle with depression as I do, call out to someone, talk and tell them. Let them tell you they love you and count it as one of your BLESSINGS!  It is late and I really have to go. I promised I would give you all an update on the ENT visit, and I will. I love you all. Love you, love me, love you, love me.

12.2.14 Dad Daughter Lunch Date

I like it when I go in to see my doc and he says, no change, unremarkable, normal (whatever THAT is). Ah, today treatment. Boo and yay. Boo to the drugs, yay for my husband and his co-workers! Today I was sent to the Ear Nose and Throat, more on that later this week...

But for the title, if you have a daughter be 4 or 40, take her out to lunch, she will LOVE it, I promise. My dad sat for me the waiting rooms for my appointments and took me to lunch, oh and he babysat Tree Bear. (who btw; is scared to death whenever my dad says, "Rhonda's going bye-bye"). Short update today, more tomorrow! Be loved my friends, by loving each other! Love you, love me, Love you, love me!

12.1.14 Pause for...

So as I go through my day, I wonder if I will be blogging that night or if the television, a book or something else will matter more. As I wander through the day I live moments and wonder if they are blog worthy. Most are not. Some of them are just plain dumb, or too sensitive or too personal? This is one of them. As I head off to sleep tonight, the thought of getting older hits me. I skipped my treatment the week before last, actually I rescheduled it, then again last week. So tomorrow I HAVE to go, I mean, I can't put this off forever, "No other options." as my husband would say. So sleep somewhat eludes me tonight, mainly because this thought keeps bothering me and that means someone out there needs to hear this. And I'm here for you. Tonight.
     I turned 40 in June, but last year, I had an oopherectomy (pronounced ooof-air-ect-tomy). basically they took my ovaries out. My mom had ovarian cancer, so this was a precaution. It was a good thing they did, because they ended up finding cancer cells on my ovaries. So with that it threw me into menopause. Pause... with that came a series of side effects. I won't list all of them. What hit me right away were the hot flashes and night sweats. No words to describe these. Just imagine going hot all of a sudden or waking up in a pool of sweat, not fun, but beats cancer ANY day. AND the MOOD SWINGS... just going from perfectly normal to perfectly abnormal. Like rage to tears of utter and complete sadness to tears of joy and laughter, for NO apparent reason. These are not me, I know this because afterwards I'm like WHO was THAT person. And that bring me to today. Actually the last couple of days. When I was younger, (ah- younger) I would have moments like these and now I wonder if part of my body hasn't caught up to the fact that I am no longer producing these hormones, and it just throws itself into a hissy fit, like clockwork. So Thanksgiving, so much stress for me, and I bring it to myself, worrying about all kinds of stuff. Then as the days slip by away from Thanksgiving I feel a sense of grief and shame for my actions and attitudes. So on the verge of tears, I fell asleep last night. And tonight, if I don't type all this out, before treatment tomorrow, I will take it with me and I just can't do that. Too much embarrassment, shame, guilt, whatever, and I CANNOT go into treatment like that. I told myself I would not fight this fight with negativity and I won't. I will hold my head high and walk in there determined.
     I also have thought about the other things associated with menopause, mainly, childbearing. So from here on out, no more babies for me, at least none that I will carry. With several friends, some very close friends and family who are pregnant I am a little sad about not being able to be pregnant again. Not that it was ever PLANNED to have more, just the finality of it all I guess. I know, I KNOW I was created to be a mom and I am. As for more a mom of more than the three I have? I don't know, but I am reminded that I am an aunty and will be again soon! I am so happy for that! It just stuff I guess I need to learn to come to terms with. I am a 40 year old who at times feels 60, but I have to remind myself that I am 40 (who sometimes looks 30-something). I am STILL young, I still have years left to love my three kiddos and endless nieces and nephews. I can still see and hear and walk and talk. I can shout at basketball, volleyball and soccer games, and if you look close enough, you can see a twinkle in my eye that says, "NED-- No Evidence of Disease". Love you, love me, love you, love me.