So as I go through my day, I wonder if I will be blogging that night or if the television, a book or something else will matter more. As I wander through the day I live moments and wonder if they are blog worthy. Most are not. Some of them are just plain dumb, or too sensitive or too personal? This is one of them. As I head off to sleep tonight, the thought of getting older hits me. I skipped my treatment the week before last, actually I rescheduled it, then again last week. So tomorrow I HAVE to go, I mean, I can't put this off forever, "No other options." as my husband would say. So sleep somewhat eludes me tonight, mainly because this thought keeps bothering me and that means someone out there needs to hear this. And I'm here for you. Tonight.
I turned 40 in June, but last year, I had an oopherectomy (pronounced ooof-air-ect-tomy). basically they took my ovaries out. My mom had ovarian cancer, so this was a precaution. It was a good thing they did, because they ended up finding cancer cells on my ovaries. So with that it threw me into menopause. Pause... with that came a series of side effects. I won't list all of them. What hit me right away were the hot flashes and night sweats. No words to describe these. Just imagine going hot all of a sudden or waking up in a pool of sweat, not fun, but beats cancer ANY day. AND the MOOD SWINGS... just going from perfectly normal to perfectly abnormal. Like rage to tears of utter and complete sadness to tears of joy and laughter, for NO apparent reason. These are not me, I know this because afterwards I'm like WHO was THAT person. And that bring me to today. Actually the last couple of days. When I was younger, (ah- younger) I would have moments like these and now I wonder if part of my body hasn't caught up to the fact that I am no longer producing these hormones, and it just throws itself into a hissy fit, like clockwork. So Thanksgiving, so much stress for me, and I bring it to myself, worrying about all kinds of stuff. Then as the days slip by away from Thanksgiving I feel a sense of grief and shame for my actions and attitudes. So on the verge of tears, I fell asleep last night. And tonight, if I don't type all this out, before treatment tomorrow, I will take it with me and I just can't do that. Too much embarrassment, shame, guilt, whatever, and I CANNOT go into treatment like that. I told myself I would not fight this fight with negativity and I won't. I will hold my head high and walk in there determined.
I also have thought about the other things associated with menopause, mainly, childbearing. So from here on out, no more babies for me, at least none that I will carry. With several friends, some very close friends and family who are pregnant I am a little sad about not being able to be pregnant again. Not that it was ever PLANNED to have more, just the finality of it all I guess. I know, I KNOW I was created to be a mom and I am. As for more a mom of more than the three I have? I don't know, but I am reminded that I am an aunty and will be again soon! I am so happy for that! It just stuff I guess I need to learn to come to terms with. I am a 40 year old who at times feels 60, but I have to remind myself that I am 40 (who sometimes looks 30-something). I am STILL young, I still have years left to love my three kiddos and endless nieces and nephews. I can still see and hear and walk and talk. I can shout at basketball, volleyball and soccer games, and if you look close enough, you can see a twinkle in my eye that says, "NED-- No Evidence of Disease". Love you, love me, love you, love me.
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