I wish I could be the huge fighter I sometimes am, but not tonight. I made it to Elizabeth and T's Christmas Program. So blessed. I was on this emotional high. I did it, I kicked cancer's ass tonight. I laughed in it's face! I was also sick, fighting bouts of diarrhea. Yes, that's what I said. Side effect of the treatment. So I don't eat and sleep pretty much all day, cause it's all I CAN do, then, this.
I am so f-ing mad at cancer. I don't care that I'm swearing, words need to be said. I have to said this. I have to scream, this, this crap has taken so much from me. It takes my breath away at times. It takes my beautiful smile and kind words. It takes my ability to be strong, to be a kind person, mom, wife. I hate it. It has taken my friend's husband and she cries and I can't make her pain stop. It has taken so much and left me with a huge lump in my throat. I want to scream, I want...
When I feel raw emotion like this, my first thought is, "I want to go home. I want my mom." Then I have to remind myself, I am home. I am the mom. I have to be strong for the kids, for Bill.I can only handle this for so long,and then I am stressed out to the max. This happens in literally a matter of minutes. Then I appear crazed. Ha.
I saw the Ear, Nose and Throat doctor the other day. They saw a "spot" on my lymph node. Don't know what is. Ha. I also have had a build up of fluid under my incision that has been bothering me. This was drained and tested. It came back clear, all good, no cancer. Within 24 hours it filled again with fluid. I hate it. To top matters or add to them or whatever, I have a cavity. It hurts. I hate pain medicine. I am so terrified of getting addicted. It works great for the pain, but not so much later on, and we all know, unless you take care of the cavity, the pain will just come back, so HA. This has been my complaint form. Take it or leave it, I can guarantee I will be back and probably not as grouchy next time.
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