12.27.11 My Testimony part 1

It was February, early February, I had been in a very long relationship with a man and after several years this winter was taking it's toll on our relationship. More importantly, I could feel the work of God in my life this winter and as this winter was slowing giving way to spring, like the snow, my heart was preparing to melt towards God. I could feel in my heart after almost 3 years this was not me. It was not the relationship for me. My mom had asked me to drive her and some of my aunties to Anchorage for "church" services. I agreed because it was ANCHORAGE and it was a break from my life and I needed a break! I also agreed because at the time my two younger sisters were living in Anchorage studying together at Bible College, and I so desperately missed them! I drove my mom and aunties to church and midday Bible classes and looking back I believe I even attended a few of these classes. At one of the evening services my life took a dramatic change. I could feel a yearning for something more. I could feel a wanting a change, I wanted something, what? what? At an alter call I decided I would only go up if someone urged me. Now if you ask me when I recieved Christ as my personal savior I would say I without hesitation when I was about 6 I remember listening to a record Tammy Faye Bakker a kid's record. I asked about God and growing up in a Christian home my mother explained to me the importance of accepting Christ as your Savior and how there would come a time when I would not get to heaven based on her life and her salvation. At 6 I understood and with my mother leading me into the sinner's prayer, I accepted Jesus. Fast forward 17 years I had been through my defiant teenage years and partying young adult years. I had a car, a man, college, a job, friends. Everything a young 20 year old needed, but I was missing something. The alter call came, I waited nervous and actually praying someone would call me out. Someone would point to me say, "YOU need to come up here". YOU need a life change. YOU need something different. Someone did. A youth pastor looked me in the eye, pointed directly at me and motioned me to come forward. I wanted to, I didn't want to. My feet moved one in front of the other. I could hear my mom and sisters crying in the background. What, WHAT was I doing? Was this for real? Were people watching? But wasn't I already saved? Did I fall away? When? What am I doing? What am I giving up? Will I be able to keep my car, my relationship? my friends? Could I still drink and party? I didn't have very much time to think of the answers and at this point, I couldn't care, I was too tired of caring. I just wanted someone else to take over and be the answer to my life. I don't remember the sermon, I don't remember the prayer. I only remember falling, falling. I heard my aunty praying for me. I heard prayers and laughing (beautiful laughing, not mocking). I felt, felt like I was being lifted. I saw an image, a woman, a very sick woman dressed in rags, filthy. I saw a crowd and she was crawling through the crowd. The crowd was focused on something, someone. They pushed and shoved, the noise the shuffling. She continued to crawl on her hands and knees. Then there in front of her a man a white robe, she reaches and the crowd moves and she misses. She crawls again reaches and misses. "If I can only touch His clothes, that's all I need to touch His clothes." She reaches and her hand brushes her garment. She can FEEL it. She is whole. She isn't sick, she isn't dirty or filthy. She is whole and beautiful and LOVED. The man stops, the crowd stops. He turns and looks at, ME. I am made whole.
Did everything fall away at once? Did my life change dramatically in that instance? Yes and no. Spiritually something in me changed, physically well, did I go back to my lifestyle? More on what happens next...

Love you, love me, love you, love me

12.25.11 CHRISTmas

As I snuggle into my bed this Christmas night, I realize I have so very much to be thankful for! First for my LORD and SAVIOR born this day. Without Him, I would haven't made it one day, one good day or bad or in between. I have made it, 8 months and 4 days from my diagnosis. I have felt good, bad, ugly, beautiful, unloved, loved, alone, and crowded, high and low. And through ALL of this I have been held in the very palm of God's own hand. Second on this Christmas night I thank God for my husband and my kids. I told Bill tonight, you have been my strength, an instrument of God. I love him so much, words...words are just words when I want to express. He has held me up and grounded me, he has protected me and listened to every cry (good and bad). He has guided and sheltered his family in the very wings God gave him. I want to say I love you to Billy, Olivia and Elizabeth. I know NO OTHER children stronger than them. They have loved me through the storm and showed me what a great mom I am, because of what GREAT children they are. Billy you take care of me so much and answer to my every need when I was so very sick! Olivia you encourage me with your words everyday whether I am weak or strong, YOU make me feel so VERY strong and able to fight this fight! Elizabeth, my little Lelly, you have given me a mother's heart and love! You have shown me patience and FUN. You have shown me God's love in your little hands and arms with your hugs! My dad, my dad, my dad, I am BRAVE, because YOU are brave. I only know bravery by seeing it in you! You let me cry and hold it all in for me. I heard once how we see our earthly fathers can shape how we see our HEAVENLY Father, and how I see my Heavenly Father in you! Eric, I know you are there for me and I am so very grateful for the life you live and the joy you bring! Candy, Rachelle, and Sarah, sisters, thankful for allowing me to share and giving me the joy of my neices and nephews! (Props to your hubbies too!) Cristina, God has brought us together and I am so happy to be a living testimony in our relationship of HIS unending love! Okay, okay, getting there! My facebook friends, Sarah, Mindy, Paul, Kathleen, Adam, Mary, Justeena, Tera, Candace, Kristina, Scott, Jeremy, Melissa,Mel, Colleen, Dave and the other 400 of you... I wish I could tell you in words, on my worst day I would log on, and there YOU were going through this with me! To Kim, Kristy, and Wendy, we found each other, because of cancer! Cancer made us friends and we will be FOREVER friends! I love you my Church. YOU have been the instrument of upholding me with unseen arms and prayers that have ENTERED the very throne room of God. You have fed my family, cleaned my home, cared for my children and held me in the biggest of all hugs EVERYDAY! I LOVE YOU. And to my Minto family, your love has been felt and I have heard your very cries for me, and YOU WILL BE BLESSED. THIS I KNOW, GOD HAS SOMETHING BIG PLANNED FOR YOU, WATCH AND WAIT AND WORK! I have so many others you pray on a daily basis, thank you! This is my Merry Christmas to you. To all of you. To those who read once in awhile and those who read each and every post, I love you, God Bless you and Merry Christmas!

12.20.11 Grey's Anatomy

So, day two, 3 + miles! I tend to want to start my health kicks all out, nutrition, exercise, all of it. Full blown. But last year when I lost 30+ pounds I did things a little differently. I started to kick one bad habit, then another and another and added some good things like exercise, etc. So, this time around, I kicked coffee about 3 weeks ago. Then diet coke, sweets and now I'm walking. One step at a time. I hope the Holidays don't knock me off schedule. But since I have to go into radiology everyday, I figure afterwards I can go to the Big Dipper and walk around. It's nice. Today was "Senior Day". It was nice to see so many people getting exercise :). Didn't cook dinner tonight, but took a look at our Christmas menu and will attempt it this year. My brother will be joining us this year and that will (and has) helped so much. I love having him around! Okay. So I'm doing good, smiling, and finding a way to praise, it gets easier the more you do it! In the family news, I have two kiddos on the verge of teenagehood. : / Seriously. I also have started watching Grey's Anatomy and am currently watching back episodes on Netflix. I also have been thinking about starting another life list, or adding to my old one. Keep an eye out for that one! Christmas, almost here...love you, love me, love you, love me.

12.19.11~2 miles

Okay! I am sooo tired, this may not be a very lengthy blog tonight folks. I'm doing good. I am. Rads tire, I mean WEAR me out! Over the weekend I slept 14 hours Friday night and about the same Saturday night. Today I started my third week of rads and a visit with my Radiology Oncologist. I am on orders to start walking or moving my body so I don't sleep too much. So I did. I left radiation and walked. I walked about 2 miles or about an hour. I left there went to Fred Meyers to pick up a gift, and to Bill's work so he could drive me home. Came home and rested, no sleep, just relaxed. Made dinner, first time in over a month! YIPPEE! Moose meat with gravy and rice over noodles. It was soo good! I also cleaned up the kitchen a bit, visited with my brother! Ah, what a great brother I have! And now a few minutes before I close my eyes. I am doing well. Not sick, just a little tired, but in a couple of days, we start gaining daylight. Life is Good, God is good. Love you, love me, love you, love me!

12.13.11 Little update

Okay, so after 10 minutes of typing my life out... erased! Ugg! Okay, so I made it home yesterday (Monday). Scheduled to come home Sunday but all afternoon/ evening flights out of Anchorage delay/ cancelled due to weather. I finally made it out yesterday around 3PM.  I had a fantastic weekend with my sister-in-law, shopping, food, movies and hanging out at the hotel room. Ah, I absolutely LOVED it! Infusion went great. I had radiation Friday morning, flew to Anchorage Friday afternoon headed straight for the hospital and into a chair in the infusion room. My (non-chemo) drug takes 30 minutes infusion, but with vitals, meds, set-up and waiting for the infusion drug it takes about 2 hours, which isn't bad (think 3 or 4 days a week @ 6-8 hours a day, THAT is long I ADMIRE you friends who do it!!!). Right after infusion I had my echo-cardiogram and it looked good. Herceptin is doing it's job and my ticker is ticking. :) Friday night shopping, Saturday shopping and movies. Sunday shopping and after a nice visit with friends at the airport :) back to the hotel to relax and wait for another flight Monday. Flew home Monday, got into Fairbanks and headed straight for radiation. This morning dropped off Bill, kiddos and back to radiation. I have learned a little about my doctor and grown to appreciate him and his staff, again, wonderful people! Bill said it best when he said "He has you in his best interest." (meaning my doctor, and I truly do believe this after meeting my doctor) I am learning to love and let people in, which for me is monumental! I know I may seem irritated if people call, but I truly love you and want you in my life! Today was a fabulous day! I dropped my niece off at school, dropped a slice of cake off to my nephew for his birthday (LOVE YOU ANG!), picked up my kids from school, picked up Bill's early Christmas gift ( I could never give enough to the man whose given me strength, hope and love when I felt I had none!) spent wonderful time with my kids, eating a snack and picked up my Elizabeth! "I love you when you pick me up mom!" Ah! I have never thought of myself as a person who looks at the little things but all of these things I am so grateful for! I'm not sure how much more Christmas shopping I will be able to do, or visiting, so I am grateful for today. I also am not sure how much more I will be able to pick my kids up from school, but I have been praying for a week to be able to! The reality of the situation is, no ONE has tomorrow promised to them, so enjoy the small things. Enjoy your nieces and nephews! Enjoy Fred Meyer ONE more time! Enjoy doing a load of laundry, or picking up your kids from school! Enjoy family and friends! These things are far more valuable than all the money and time in the world! Love you, love me, love you, love me!

12.8.11 A day like no other, so far...:)

So here I sit, my day FILLED like no other. I have gone through every emotion possible today. And I did it with God. Radiation day 4 of 37. But I won't look at numbers. As I sat here earlier...wait, let's back up. Radiation day 4, a good radiation day. They have WARM blankets,(I want a blanket toaster/microwave for Christmas...) my tech told me my doctor ran, RAN, that made me smile. Things are going much better. I let it go and now...God is so amazing. He gives us love when we ask... I then headed over to the clinic for my blood draw. Props go out to Vanessa my wonderful nurse over there! Bill brought me home. I wanted to stop at my sisters but alas didn't mention to Bill before it was too late. Got home did a couple of small chores, sat in bed read through facebook, had a good cry, prayed God would be with me. I felt so alone. I tried calling a couple of people before I realized God wanted me to call Him. I did. I cried. I missed my mom and just wanted a hug. It was then I felt, FELT my head on my heavenly father's shoulder. I wiped my tears, put on a movie and relaxed. After the movie I finished the load of laundry, sat in bed, read through facebook and had a good, a GOOD cry. A thankful cry. A cry of thankfulness. I had my God here today, no one else and He blessed me. I made it through a day like no other. There was nothing special about today, other than the fact that it was just me and God. And I found myself to be content in that.

"I have learned to live with much and I have learned to live with little. In any and all things I have learned the secret of being content-wether well-fed or hungry, wether in abundance or in need. I'am able to do all things through Him who strengthens me." Phil 4:12-13

What a totally new refreshing lesson for me. I always thought this scripture had to do with money or finances or materialist things... but today it meant a day like no other, yet a day almost (ALMOST) no different then any other. How was YOUR day? Love you, love me, love you, love me.

12.7.11 Reaching Out

I have been determine to blog my mind, and sometimes that's hard to do. But I am determined to do it, so here (hear) it is. It's been months since we've been to church. The message "I do things I don't want to do". I thought about not making it to church. But then the second part, acceptance. Accepting God's forgiveness. He's forgiven me and I need to accept that. I don't get a lot of calls, maybe because people don't want to bother me? But I'm finding this so hard to understand. Just the way I'm sure God is waiting for me to "call" Him. I want others to call to check on me, I want text messages to say hello. If I don't answer, it's cause I'm not home or I can't. I need others to care about me. My church family. Blessed. They have been feeding my family (no, really FEEDING us food), for the last couple of months. Showing love. And Bill and I are learning to receive. Bill said something earlier. God is teaching us when to ask and who to ask. For so many people out there who ask, what can I do. Call me! Text me! Send me a message on facebook. Ask me about my diagnosis, how I'm doing. During a fundraiser that was held when I was first diagnosed, I had a few friends ask, ASK about my breast cancer, what kind, how I found it, what my treatment was going to be. How I felt about it. I also had a friend just sit and cry. She told me how afraid she was to come see me, how hard it was for her to face...it. Cancer. These people meant the world to me! This showed me how much you care! I'm sorry if all I ever talk about is cancer, if you don't want to hear about it, tell me, tell me it's hard to hear about it, to talk about it (I don't know unless you say something). I know there are those out there who will be unable to contact me, it's just too much for you. I still love you. I still think about you and I can only pray that we will be joined together in a world without cancer, without icky feelings of doubt or fear. But those of you who know and who are able, I am reaching out...are you? Love you, love me, love you, love me.

12.3.11 Missing my kitchen

So, I know I spent the majority of my summer blogging about food. Ah, and how grateful I am to taste food now! (Chemo would do a number on my taste-buds every round...) I now have those beloved taste-buds! So a little more history... this last week has been a doozer. I had a terrible cold and just was DOWN! I was talking to a friend of mine and had an epiphany (she helped). God is changing me, as a parent. What I thought in the past that made a "good" parent, today is different. I thought carpooling and cooking and cleaning made a "good" parent. I thought I NEEDED to do these things in order to be the parent that God wants me to be. But my perspective on what kind of parent He wants me to be looks different. WHAT does it look like?  I know that I am parenting from my bed, I read books, watch TV shows, snuggle, TALK and am a totally different parent. I guide (cause yelling from bed gets OLD real quick). I am teaching my kids to clean (and eventually cook), and care for themselves and each other. I am proud of the parent I am becoming. Okay so tonight I was going to blog about food and not being able to cook. Cooking is one of my passions. I love creating in my kitchen. I love trying new recipes, and adding to tried and true. I love taking pictures and posting reviews. I love to watch Bill enjoy my creations. In this last year, before my diagnosis, I started writing down some of my recipes and was going to start a blog. But my parenting has changed. My job descrition is the same, my location and how I will do my job will is different. I am okay with that, remembering that God determines who I am not what I do, who I know or how I do it is what I am suppose to do. Love you, love me, love you, love me.

12.1.11 Stir Crazy

So my "cabin fever" got me... I ventured out today. Walmart, Alaska Raw Fur, McDonalds and Freddies. I am beat! My throat isn't hurting as bad, so that's good. What I was surprised at was that I still have a lack of energy and I wasn't as upbeat. Normally on my good days when I'm out I'm singing really loud in the car and just FULL of energy. I was so happy today, yet just didn't have the ENERGY to sing or dance. It felt so weird and so SAD! I refuse to let this get me down though. I won't WILL NOT get depressed over this! It's too easy with all the meds and chemo and cancer to get depressed so I WILL NOT! I so wanted to stop by and see friends/ family, but didn't want their babies to get sick! Plus I only had an hour and half to run errands and try and visit. Maybe tomorrow. It's suppose to warm up to 30' Sunday. Heat wave! Blessed to have warmer weather and even more blessed for family and friends! Love you, love me, love you, love me!