It was February, early February, I had been in a very long relationship with a man and after several years this winter was taking it's toll on our relationship. More importantly, I could feel the work of God in my life this winter and as this winter was slowing giving way to spring, like the snow, my heart was preparing to melt towards God. I could feel in my heart after almost 3 years this was not me. It was not the relationship for me. My mom had asked me to drive her and some of my aunties to Anchorage for "church" services. I agreed because it was ANCHORAGE and it was a break from my life and I needed a break! I also agreed because at the time my two younger sisters were living in Anchorage studying together at Bible College, and I so desperately missed them! I drove my mom and aunties to church and midday Bible classes and looking back I believe I even attended a few of these classes. At one of the evening services my life took a dramatic change. I could feel a yearning for something more. I could feel a wanting a change, I wanted something, what? what? At an alter call I decided I would only go up if someone urged me. Now if you ask me when I recieved Christ as my personal savior I would say I without hesitation when I was about 6 I remember listening to a record Tammy Faye Bakker a kid's record. I asked about God and growing up in a Christian home my mother explained to me the importance of accepting Christ as your Savior and how there would come a time when I would not get to heaven based on her life and her salvation. At 6 I understood and with my mother leading me into the sinner's prayer, I accepted Jesus. Fast forward 17 years I had been through my defiant teenage years and partying young adult years. I had a car, a man, college, a job, friends. Everything a young 20 year old needed, but I was missing something. The alter call came, I waited nervous and actually praying someone would call me out. Someone would point to me say, "YOU need to come up here". YOU need a life change. YOU need something different. Someone did. A youth pastor looked me in the eye, pointed directly at me and motioned me to come forward. I wanted to, I didn't want to. My feet moved one in front of the other. I could hear my mom and sisters crying in the background. What, WHAT was I doing? Was this for real? Were people watching? But wasn't I already saved? Did I fall away? When? What am I doing? What am I giving up? Will I be able to keep my car, my relationship? my friends? Could I still drink and party? I didn't have very much time to think of the answers and at this point, I couldn't care, I was too tired of caring. I just wanted someone else to take over and be the answer to my life. I don't remember the sermon, I don't remember the prayer. I only remember falling, falling. I heard my aunty praying for me. I heard prayers and laughing (beautiful laughing, not mocking). I felt, felt like I was being lifted. I saw an image, a woman, a very sick woman dressed in rags, filthy. I saw a crowd and she was crawling through the crowd. The crowd was focused on something, someone. They pushed and shoved, the noise the shuffling. She continued to crawl on her hands and knees. Then there in front of her a man a white robe, she reaches and the crowd moves and she misses. She crawls again reaches and misses. "If I can only touch His clothes, that's all I need to touch His clothes." She reaches and her hand brushes her garment. She can FEEL it. She is whole. She isn't sick, she isn't dirty or filthy. She is whole and beautiful and LOVED. The man stops, the crowd stops. He turns and looks at, ME. I am made whole.
Did everything fall away at once? Did my life change dramatically in that instance? Yes and no. Spiritually something in me changed, physically well, did I go back to my lifestyle? More on what happens next...
Love you, love me, love you, love me
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