3.31.12 Date Night

hmm, I MUST be a foodie. Halibut Ceviche, Artichoke Dip and crackers, Crab with Mushroom Risotto and Greens and Creme Brulee! Delish!
Oh my! The company was great too I must admit. It's so nice to spend an evening with my husband taking as long as we want to eat talking about whatever is floating in the air. He lets me be me. I am blessed. As I come closer to my one year anniversary of my diagnosis I wonder what it will be like, how I will feel and how I will celebrate this milestone. But for today I am glad to celebrate today. I love you Bill! And the rest of you... love you, love me, love you, love me.

3.29.12 Past Today

Sometimes, I allow myself to think past today. Like when a commercial comes on and says, "Please tell your doctor..." and I think, for the rest of my life instead of saying I have breast cancer, or I had breast cancer, I will say I am a ____ year survivor. :) My good thought for the day. Today was another up/ down day physically. I was thinking about negitivity and how sometimes I can see just the negitive posts and other times I don't even let them bother me. I don't ever try and tell people how to feel. Each person is going to feel differently about different circumstances and that's okay. I think that combined with the fact that I don't like confrontation. I am still bothered by the folks who said I was a drama queen sometime ago. Wonder why this is rearing it's ugly head now? I am who I am. I have what I have. I'm going to be positive and spread smiles, no matter how crappy I feel, but if I feel crappy I will seek out someone who can take the crap and let me, be me. If you could also remind me to not waste too much time being angry... :) Love you, love me, love you, love me

3.27.12 The Ugly Crash

Sorry to be so gruesome. But it wasn't pretty folks. Thus "Ugly" in the title. I started my day as any other. EVERY day no matter how little energy I have, if it's a weekday, I get up. I get Lelly going (truth be told, she gets me going). Cereal and Juice. I run the dishwasher. I run the washer/ dryer. I pick up odds and ends around the house. I sometimes watch a little TV, sometimes crafts, (depending on the energy level). On good days a school lesson with Elizabeth (she's preschool so colors/ shapes that kinda thing). Today was the on-the-way up day.
Yesterday was a complete... no energy day. After my morning routine, I baked oatmeal cookies. I was so hungry for oatmeal and Billy asked over a month ago for chocolate chip cookies. So I forced myself to get up. As soon as they got done I parked myself on the couch. I mean I just laid there. Barely could watch TV. Just laying there staring into space, praying in my head. Bless my little dog stayed by me. Bless little Elizabeth kept asking me to talk. Bless the cat for laying beside me when the dog was outside. Then the kids came home, bless them, I just said I have to take a nap. I dozed off for a few minutes but then found myself laying staring into space again. I enjoy hearing noise at times, kids, TV, whatever. So I parked back out in the living room. There I lay all evening. The highlight of my evening was local news. Our "Anchorman" Darryl. I saw him in the grocery store the other day I asked him how many times he gets the I know YOU from somewhere look... He just laughed and said "too many times". After I asked I thought I wonder how many times he gets ASKED that. lol. So I smiled watching the news. Gotta love the small town Alaska.
Fast forward to today. Today after chores, after a little TV, cupcake Tuesday. I bake the cupcakes. Then I crash mentally/ emotionally. It's the..."I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. I don't think I can do this".

We've ALL had that moment. It's not suicidal. It's not I can't go on physically. It's mental and emotional. It's I need to be hugged. I need someone to tell me I can do this. I know I can I just need to hear it. The marathon runner around mile ____. The addict whose given up the addiction. The mom who REALLY does need CALGON. The cancer patient in the fight for their life. You get the story, you've been there. So as I'm laying there in a heap of tears wondering why no one is calling me or I can't seem to pick up the phone. I pick up the phone and take a picture. I am you. You are me. We are ALL in this together. Male, female, weak or strong, happy or sad, we are in this together and I want YOU to know you are loved. I want YOU to know I am praying for you. The man I met for a minute or two on the airplane, the friends I've had since high school (since ELEMENTARY school), past co-workers, best friends, one-time friend/enemies, sisters and people I only know through others...I am praying for you just as you are praying for me. Love you, love me, love you, love me.

3.25.12 Sunday Night

It's the evening day 7. Emotionally going through it all. I miss my mom so much. I miss just calling her. Telling her about my day, my kids, my life. So tonight I will go into the throne room. I will touch the very hem of His garment. I am sad, I am down, I don't feel heard.I have been in bed all day. By this I MEAN ALL DAY. This chemo drug that I'm on, one of the side effects is, if I am scratched or bruised it takes awhile for it to heal. So the other day I yelled. Yes, yelled... and I believe I hurt my vocal cords in there somewhere. So last night a wonderful night and Birthday party for my daughter. If you have ever been to a Bauchmann girl's party, there is always LOTS of noise, laughter, dancing and general noise! So this did not help my vocal cords. So today I spent the day in bed. Looking back I reflect exactly WHY I stayed in bed, when it was just a scratched throat. But the day is pretty much done and I'm feeling down about it. Regretful I guess. But I won't allow myself to be for more than today. The awesome thing about having choices, is that we can CHOOSE to change our attitude about the day at ANY time during the day. I can choose tonight at *whatever time* that I will turn it around. I choose to live a life with God in it, and this means I can feel sad, down, or not heard, but then I can go into the very throne room, touch the hem of his garment and my attitude will change. It will change because I choose for it to change.
For a second thought this evening, as I was eating dinner, Elizabeth would not sit still and eat. The other kids had eaten and found their places in the house to settle. Lelly had not. So I told a story. I said a quick prayer and the story of Zacchaeus emerged. I am a story teller. I love especially to spin, weave and elaborate to stories to children. They are easy to tell stories to, for me. They sit in wonder, ask questions, and generally are very honest. She sits question after question. I tell her I cannot tell the story if she is talking. So she stops and I begin. As I elaborate and spin and weave, her little mind begins to turn. I can see the questions in her face and I elaborate more.
Zacchaeus was a little man. He was about this big I show her with my hands. He was a man, like daddy only very short. Jesus was visiting his town. He wanted so badly to see Jesus. There were lots and lots and lots of people all crowding around to see Jesus, but Zacchaeus couldn't see Jesus. (I had Bill stand in front of me and I crouched down.) Zacchaeus jumped and tried and tried and tried, but he couldn't see Jesus. So then he saw a tree and he wanted to see Jesus soooo bad, he climbed that tree. When Jesus looked up He saw Zacchaeus. "Zacchaeus, you come down, right now! For I'm going to your house today." And Jesus went to Zacchaeus house.
Elizabeth filled with wonder and awe then asked "He picked Zacchaeus house to go to?"
PROFOUND.
We search, we look, we wait, we strain to see. We even (at the risk of embarrassment and safety) climb a tree and after all of this...HE PICKS US. If we know anything about Zacchaeus, he was the chief tax collector, a generally "bad" guy. He likes no one, no one likes him. He risks embarrassment and the safety of image, climbs a tree, CLIMBS a tree and Jesus says, "Hey you, I'm going to stay at YOUR house". Jesus later says, "I came not just for the righteous (church going, tithe paying, generally "good") people, but I came to seek out the LOST. How blessed I am to be one of the lost. Today, I climbed a tree and just as I thought I was going to fall, HE picks me. Blessed I tell ya!
Love you, love me, love you, love me

3.22.12 Thursday

Feeling very nostalgic today. From songs Bon Jovi's "I'll Be There For You", to an Elmo movie/ documentary. Days I watch documentaries, are just notaligic days. (and I watched this before I went to bed). I've probably mentioned this a time or two, Wed and Thursdays I pick up my kids, but today, couldn't get outta bed this morning to take my husband to work, just too tired. So I ended up staying home and catching up on laundry. I heard a song recently about how whatever job we do we should do as if it's God's job for us. So for today, His job for me was to do laundry. By the way I keep wanting to type laughing. Maybe I should've just laid around laughing today. The Elmo laugh. You know which one I'm talking about. You can hear it now in your head and you are smiling. I made you SMILE! I love making people smile! Love you, love me, love you, love me.

3.21.12 Alanon Lessons

I started going to Al-Anon a few years ago. My life was in shambles due to alcohol. I couldn't seem to gain control of it and heard about Al Anon. (I read about meetings in the newspaper). I went for over a year weekly and since have come and gone, same Wednesday meeting. I have met people who love me for me and let me process thoughts, feelings and emotions I have whether they have to do with Alcohol or not. Lately I have been thinking about my past, those people in my past and present in which I need to forgive or simply need to be forgiven from. I don't want to look at others and simply see the wrong they have/ are doing. I want to see my part in it and if I don't have a part, if others are doing wrong to me. I said today, I fall into old habits and patterns, because I am tired. But God says His yoke is easy and his burden is light. I will sacrifice what needs to be given, all if need be. So that I can be better, whole. I won't do it for me, or my kids or family or anyone, but for the will of God. I want to keep focused on the will of God, He is my strong tower! I already am physically tired and to be angry at anyone, just drains me mentally and emotionally. This includes myself. I can lay around all day being angry at myself for something I may or may not have said to someone else to make them angry. Letting go. Letting God. This also pertains to allowing God to work in others while I step outta the way. I would love to the the conductor/ administrator of those around me directing them which way to go how to go about it. But the truth is I really would just be doing it to get my way in their life. God knows them so much better than I do and can fix them much better than I can, so Letting go, Letting God. I will also admit I love to look around and see what a more wonderful job HE is doing, then I could have ever done. PS,one last though, what if I am here, fighting Breast Cancer, not becasue of anything I have or not have done, but what if I am here simply as a tool for God to get a message to someone....I'm okay with this. I am. I want to do His will I want him to know I am up for it and I love him and know that he will never leave me or forsake me. Us me Lord, for your glory, honor and praise! I love you LORD. Okay, okay love you, love me, love you, love me.

3.19.12 Tuesday Home again 2 rounds left

Ah, home again! Another whirlwind trip to Anchorage, thankful to go, yet thankful to be home! Today was spent chemo for about an hour and half or so, NO BLOOD draw, I've been doing so well on this drug, I didn't have to see the doctor, only come for the infusion. :) This make me and my dad very happy! Afterwards I got to meet up with a friend whom I met at the Alaska Native Medical Hospital. Got to meet her princess and play, somewhat at Bouncing Bears... :)Things you would never thing possible, are now POSSIBLE! I am so blessed for the people God has put in my life little hugs and kisses from God himself. "Hey Rhonda, I love you! Here's __________to show you. THANKS GOD! A trip I wasn't sure I wanted to make, I am so glad that I did. I ended up catching a flight within an hour of being at the the airport. :) BLESSED!

3.17.12 Mimi's Birthday

Funny how I will title my blogs, type what's on my mind then change the title... :) So today a family gathering. I have 2 sisters and 1 brother, (all younger) and there are 13 grandkids total, and family gatherings are FUN! Loud and fun! Today a niece's birthday, a "Hello Kitty" birthday. Tomorrow another Birthday. My daughter's birthday. How quickly they grow! When I started out on this journey, I did not allow "cannot" or "won't"  or "will not" to be a part of my vocabulary. I know I will make every birthday, milestone, holiday, and event in my kids and my nieces and nephews lives. I will grow old to see them grow old. If the Lord doesn't come for His church first. I love all of these kids so much. My brother and sister's kids are like my own. I have cousins that I am also really close to and they are my brothers and sisters. I guess it's just been the way we have grown up. My aunt and uncle are my second mom and dad. We all care for each other and take care of each other and tonight I am thankful for them! I postponed my next chemo appointment until Monday. I fly out tomorrow and into Anchorage for chemo Monday then home Monday night. Looking forward to seeing my nurses! Pictures to come soon! Lots of love to all of you. Love you, love me, love you, love me!

3.16.12 My mom's Bread

"Another day in bed... today a mental/emotional day. Challenging. If you watch one Youtube video, this one was practically written for me..."
So that was my facebook post from earlier today. I got off my rear and turned the day around. I laid in bed for a few minutes had a good cry, then thought of my mom. When we were kids, my mom would often bake bread. I mean my mom was the best bread baker I knew. This was before bread machines and "Kitchen Aide" mixers, she would knead and knead. Then as she let the bread rise, she would go to her room close the door. When the bread was mysteriously doubled in size she would come out of the room, vigorously punch the dough down and knead and knead. My mom was about 5'1", the dinner table was too high for her to knead the dough, so more often then not she would put the bowl of dough on the floor and knead the dough in the bowl on her knees. As kids it never failed that would we would ask and ask and ask to help. She rarely let us, for at least 10 minutes she would knead that dough. I always wondered why it was so rare that we were allowed to help. When I got into High School, I remember learning in Home Economics class about raw eggs and meat and just thought that must be the reason. Now to complete understand this, you must understand that my mother was blind and we (my brother, sisters and I) all learned how to cook from my mother. We would read the recipe and she would tell us what to do. Or she would simply tell us how to do things or show us. This was for EVERYTHING. From a very young age I remember cooking. I baked my first cookies at age 5 or 6 (ask my dad about oatmeal cookies and baking soda...).So I found it very hard to understand why it was I wasn't allowed to knead bread ALL the time. Then one day in Minto, a very quiet day, everyone had gone to Fairbanks or to potlatch somewhere... The village was quiet. One of those times where it was my mom, us girls, Eric, my uncles, Uncle Chuck, Aunty Cheryl and the Health Aide. My mom told me her secret. Her secret bread recipe. She told me that when she got lonesome, when it was quiet and when she really wished, REALLY wished she could see so she could drive to where everyone was at, she baked bread. She had cried to God, prayed and prayed and God told her to bake bread, to keep busy, to do something. There wasn't much she could do being blind to change her situation or her circumstance, but she could pray and she could bake bread. So as she kneaded the bread, her silent prayers went up. Thinking back now I can hear her praying as she kneaded and kneaded. Then the time came to let it rise. She would go into her room and close the door. (When my mom closed her door we KNEW not to knock, not to bother.) That is when her prayers rose as well. I know now she closed that door and the prayers went up. She would come out punch down the dough like a prayer warrior punching the lights outta the devil himself. My mom made the best bread. Today, I laid in bed for a few minutes I cried, I felt lonesome wishing to go to the meetings and potlatches and dances, I missed my mom and made bread. It was the best bread...It was my mom's bread recipe.

3.14.12 Chemo ups and downs

So I am noticing a pattern here. The pattern is a few good days up and a day or two down. Mainly stomach issues. Doesn't matter what I eat, how much I exercise or the amount of water I drink. I'm come to the resolve, it's just the chemo drugs and that's the way it is. I can and tell myself, today is one, ONE day in a series of many. I also reflect on the fact how well I've been doing. No allergic reactions or excessive pain (to put me in the hospital) gained weight, and generally for the most part a good disposition and a strong fighter. It helps though, to voice things out and to let people know how I am feeling. I am a person too and have feelings and ups and downs. Cancer hasn't made me indestructible, or without feeling. It has made me stronger and able to see life differently. For the positive and the well, for the positive. I am choosing to not stop to think of the negative today. It's way to easy to fall into the trap of being negative. Things that are difficult, being a parent on chemo. That's hard. Having a spouse who works very hard and is very passionate about his job who gives his all and I want to support him with my all, but it's hard. I know what I can do today. I know my limits today. Today I rest. Today I am sick. I feel very ill. Today I will rely on my God and on the prayers of my friends and family. God bless you all! Love you, love me, love you, love me.