Before the Dianosis, taken from Journal

March 31, 2011 From my journal
by Rhonda McAnulty on Wednesday, July 27, 2011 at 10:07am

I have books and books of journal's...my thoughts, fears, strengths, expectations. Through them all. one thing remains consistant...GOD. He hasn't ever left me! He is my stronghold! I sense a challenge coming. I have to remember He's my stronghold, that in my day of trouble he will keep me safe in his dwelling place. The last 2 verses in Psalm 27... "I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord."



July 27, 2011 (I wrote the above before I ever was diagnosed, before I ever even had the though of breast cancer, God was preparing me and continues to everyday. I will walk this walk and I hang on to my savior's word. He's all I have and I am so blessed he brought each of you into my love...love you, love me, love you, love me!

Mice? Hurting and Lazy

I'm feeling not so comfortable. Want to take an ibuprophen but that means food. Food means food. I can hear nurse Jim now, "I don't think sherbert counts as food." If bananas don't count, I'm sherbert is a close second, if not first. Secondly I'm not feeling blogging tonight. Sorry if I sound crabby, just keeping it real. Bill is under the house trying to fix the dryer. Our dryer is clogged from the outside, Bill said maybe a mouse! EEEEEWWWWW! Not what I want to think about, but at least takes my mind off achy breaky...anywho, trying to keep the humor. I'll keep ya'll posted on the dryer situation... Mice, EEEEWWWW! Gross!

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Wednesday after 2nd round

Is it possible? I am running out of things to say about cancer and chemo and CRAP? Possible. My achy joints are kicking in, but (2 Corinthians 4:7)We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; 9 persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. Just hanging in there. I have several other symptoms, but choose not to share them at this time...:) tmi folks, tmi! Had a nice trip to Anchorage. Everyone seemed to ask about the weather in Fairbanks. My doctor talked about my chemo and how after these 6 rounds then the last drug I'll be on for 1 year with rounds every 3 weeks, but it will be less intrusive on my life. :) I'll also have to have surgery and it's looking more like a mastectomy, which can be a scary thought, but I really can't think about that now. I just want to get though today. Ohh my goodness! My steroids are wearing off. I think I'll be on around 3-5AM if anyone's interested. love ya all.

Morning after round 2

by Rhonda McAnulty on Wednesday, May 25, 2011 at 7:26am

Woke up about 3 :30, back to sleep until 5:30, a bit of nausea some teeth pain took a tons of pills and now feel very drousy. Elizabeth started Day care Monday so this will help. :) I love my babies so much!
For those wondering what the actual chemo is like...There's this room filled with big reclinging medical chair, each has 2 pillows. There are about 8 chairs. Each patient has 2 pillows and the nurses bring you as many warm blankets as you like. As soon as the nurses get your orders to procede, they start you anti-nausea medicines and we wait for those to kick in and the pharmacy to send down the chemo drugs which are adminstered intraveniously, one at a time for different variations of time. This last time I was dozing off as they started the medicine. When they as me my first and last name I almost said "Rhonda Bauchman". The first round takes the longest and it gets shorter there, so I started at 8:30 and would've ended at 2:30 but was waiting on lunch. I usually as whoever is with me is welcome to leave and come back in a few hours since I have trouble sleeping with people watching. I slept until I had only 20 minutes left on my drug! So the actual administration is well, I'm drowsy. But it's the antisipation leading up to that I really have to watch my heart and mind and capture every thought. Being careful not to fall into the pitfall of "What about next time..." Living in this moment! What can I do at this moment. What will bring God's glory and what will bring me His joy? These are the things I want to use my energy on. Okay folks 7:30A. Time to sign off, love you all. Rhonda

Round 2 chemo DONE

by Rhonda McAnulty on Tuesday, May 24, 2011 at 10:54pm

 Let me first start by saying, thank you Lord for the challenging times. You God get me through. As I sat in the chair waiting to begin... this song began to play in my head. When this happens, I believe it is the prayers of PEOPLE. People talk to God in all shapes form an manners and thoughts of me, God hears and answers. He answers your thoughts. It is when we are put into a place of being still and listening then we can begin to hear, a sunday school song, a scripture or a voice of peace in the storm. But we in our selfishness don't want to hear, I have other plans and God knows and He patiencely awaits for you, and you ALONE. Keep the faith folks!
Today I had my second round of 6 chemo. After I am given all of my anti-nausea medicine and a couple of others, I am extremely tired and usually sleep through most of the infusion. I got there at 8:30 and we left at about 3. Spent a few hours pal-ing around with my other mom in Anchorage and other brother(in-law) and sister (in-law). It was so nice. Then headed out to the airport for some TSA drama. But we made it home. Energy is good, other then the meds ready to sleep! Illnesses are down and looking forward to more Praise songs and scripture coming. Keep sending thoughts and prayers. A simple "God take care of _________" I love you alll!

My song for the day...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w6BwxTWcGp8

Visualize...

by Rhonda McAnulty on Tuesday, May 24, 2011 at 7:17am

 I'm SURE I'll share less and less as the months go by, but for now, I share! Not as anxious as yesterday/last night. Looking forward to now, and breakfast! When I'm sitting in the chair I will think about the chair. I will remember, "Chemo is killing the cancer and I am overcoming chemo!" Wow! It's amazing to see that strength in myself! It's amazing to feel that strength in myself! My focus point during hard times is a visualization of riding in the boat with my kids, uncle Edmund, Aunty and mom. I drove the boat for them one time for berry picking. For all of you living outside of Alaska, this is a wonderful experience, to ride out on the Minto Flats on a sunny day. The boat is open and you feel free. Another visualization is fishing at this little lake on the Richardson highway with my husband and kids. It's so quiet and the sun shines brightly. Then the excitement picks up as someone screams "I got one daddy! I got one Bill" and Bill tries not to get upset that he spends %70 of the time untangling, removing a fish, putting bait on or helping someone to cast vs actually fishing. And in the end he's not upset at all. We enjoy a lunch on the way home at the edge of another lake. This is where Bill actually gets to fish as I set up our table and the kids play. These are what I visualize on a blue or rainy or cold, wintery day. Thank you Lord of blue or cold or rainy or wintery days, these are days you remind me so vividly of the sunshiney days! "The sun is always there, it's just whether we choose to see it or not..." Love you fb friends!

Night before round 2

by Rhonda McAnulty on Monday, May 23, 2011 at 11:03pm

Tonight, I don't feel strong. I feel scared. I feel like I'm 10 again, scared of everything. But then I remember, I'm only suppose to think about today. This moment. In this moment I am His Child. In this moment I am called for this moment. I am a warrior princess, just because I don't FEEL like one does not mean I am not. In this moment I am loved and missed. I am thought of as a first best friend. and I think of my first best friends, all of them from Bill, my dad, brother and sisters to all of you. ALL of you have been my best friends and love each of you. This moment I think of and love each of you.  Keep the faith with me! Until tomorrow...<3!

Travel to Anchorage

by Rhonda McAnulty on Sunday, May 22, 2011 at 9:55pm

Today I traveled with my sister to Anchorage and as I type I'm sitting in our hotel room, relaxing. Ready for tommorow. My husband as he was dropping me off at the Airport said "You are strong and you are going to do this. You will make it. Just thing after this only 4 more and 1 more until you're half way through." That gave me strength. It gives me strength to hear how strong I am, I think it would be a very easy thing to not believe. Cancer is a fight a mental as well as physical and EMOTIONAL fight. But I am doing this. Today at church we heard how we are a royal priesthood. I have told a couple of people that I am a WARRIOR PRINCESS! And I am! I am Christ's warrior princess! As far as tomorrow, thinking Monday will be harder. I am so thankful for my family. They are my strength I love each of you! Thanks for taking care of me! More tomorrow...

Just a Saturday

by Rhonda McAnulty on Saturday, May 21, 2011 at 10:43pm

So happy to see my girl scouts today! What a great group of girls! They earned sooo many badges this year! Then Miss Olivia and I went to do a little retail therapy. Then to visit the Billings/ Blackweasel newest edition. I thought for sure I would have the baby bug, but as I held that little bundle of joy, I was content in all things. I reminded myself that God saw that we have 3 beautiful children and all is in his perfect plan. I've been struggling with something lately. I've been struggling with pride and if what I am sharing is prideful. I don't ever want my experieces to bring others to look at me, but to look at my creator and the one whom I put all of my trust. I had friends awhile back that had said I tend to be dramatic and create drama in my life for...attention. I am trying to stay as far away from that as possible. I want God's glory to be seen. I am sharing my thoughts, and experiences so that others can see there is a real God, who really cares about us. This cancer isn't about me. It's about God glory. I am only ONLY a vessel, a tool and my use, my goal is to show God's love. He loves me! He didn't GIVE me cancer, He sees the cancer but He wants me to walk this path loving Him and showing others there isn't blame for God here. I believe God knows all and sees all and is in control of all. Can He just take it away? Absolutely! Will He? I don't know but I trust Him to walk me through this. He loves me, just as love my children. I want my children to grow to mature and sometimes that means growing pains. I don't create the pains nor do I steer my children into the pain, but I am with them when they are learning how to make it through the pain. I love them too much to let them stay babies for ever. I hope this all makes sence and I know there will come a time when I re-read this for strength and hope

Wow! What a day!

Blood draw today, for a dental appt. tomorrow! Eeeks! Trying not to be too worried or concerned. My main thought is they scheduled me for two hours! I hope they can get alot done in a shorter amount of time! So the reason I say what a day, I went to the lab, then lunch with lil' miss Elizabeth, then laundry mat to wash towels, (dryer is taking a little longer then usual and I thought, It'll take FOREVER to dry those babies), then bank (girl scout deposit I've been putting off, but did it YAY!), then pick up Bill, check on Boys and Girls Club, then toWalmart to pick up new lipstick, home, installed new printer, co-helped with dinner, ate, finished installing printer, facebook, tried on new lipstick (very PINK) and now ready to call it a day. This has been my most productive day so far, I really hope I'm not too wore out tomorrow. Chemo again Monday and that's one I really am trying to only look at Monday and not past. My dad really uplifted me when he said, "Well the first one's the hardest, your body will know what to expect next time..." I'm keeping that one in mind. I also remember a friend of mine asking me, "well what's the worst that can happen?"  "Has that ever happen to anyone?" "What can/ can't you do to prepare?" My answers are... the worst that can happen is I throw up all over the chemo room from being nervous, I'm sure it's happend before (somewhere at sometime) and I can prepare by reminding myself this isn't the first time. As far as next week goes, I can only remind myself I have done this before and I can do it again. I got through the last round by focusing on God, my Faith and letting Him work in me. Thinking back to my roughest days, in my darkest hours in bed or the bathroom I heard songs. Everything from Sunday school songs and hymns (How Great Tho Art) to modern day Christian music (My God) (Unto the Cross I cling). And scriptures all kinds of scriptures. Since my mom was blind she memorized scripture and had us memorize scripture. This is the best thing a parent could ever do for their child, take them to church to learn songs and scripture that will never pass away. I am a firm believer these songs and scriptures came from everyone praying for me. God took those prayers and gave me scripture and song. This I will hold onto going into this next week, but first. First it will get me through this dental appointment. And my scripture tonight??? "Be still and KNOW that I am God." Psalms 46:10 and "God did not give us the spirit of fear, but of power and love and of a SOUND MIND."
2 Timothy 1:7 Thank you Lord!

Tonight I sleep with less hair!

So this evening I shaved my head! It's weird I was very nervous, but I don't feel unfeminine. I actually feel pretty. Prettier? Stronger. Definetly stronger. Empowered. It feels very weird to touch it. I don't like it rubbed and can see why little boys don't like their heads rubbed! After I took a shower I went to pull it back and squeeze the water out. A women thing I guess or maybe a long haired person thing... I am notsad about losing it. The last couple of days I have been losing more and more and that was disheartening. But this feels much better. I don't want to fool myself into thinking I took control. I don't EVER want to think that I'm in control of any of this. Because I'm not, God is. Before we (my sisters and I) got ready to shave it I prayed and the response I got was that "...in His timing, not mine" and that all of this was happening in his timing. And I'm OKAY with that. I would much rather have it in His timing and not mine. He knows far much more and much better than I can or ever will. I am so thankful this evening for strength and inner beauty. I am His child and beautiful and strong because I have Him in my life!

After the weekend

So here we are. Monday after the weekend. The last of 7 puppies went to a new home tonight. I am grateful and so thankful they all went to wonderful homes! Saturday cookout, Sunday cookout...today just plain wore out. Took a 3 hour nap today. This darn cold set me back! But God had it for a reason. I will hold to faith, because faith is the substance of the unseen. My kids were also not feeling well this morning so they stayed home from school. I thought "ohh boy" I'll be able to baby them. Not so. I just wore myself out this weekend. Even though I didn't do ANYTHING. I have to be okay with that. Not doing anything. There is a scripture "Be still and KNOW that I am GOD". I also keep coming back to that we are sheep of His flock, we don't need to try and go our own way. HE is the way and if we just listen and follow we can't go wrong. It's when sheep try and do their own thing they end up in trouble. Okay. Bill fixed the dryer tonight. What an awesome husband I have! Everytime I think of how wonderful he is I say a blessing over him! God is so good!

A New Phone

Today my wonderful, wonderful, wonderful hubby got me a new phone. I LOVE this man! Today was...bliss. I know I said yesterday was bliss, but today was MORE blissful! It's a Friday and normally I detest Fridays, but today I was happy for today. I woke up early, moved around a bit but mostly spent the day on the computer and cleaning up around the computer. Downloading songs mostly Jazz I realize today was a Jazz kind of day, an easy going, day. I make an effort when having a good day not to focus on what I've been through too much (it was rough!!) and definetly NOT think about the next chemo round. But today my thoughts did wander a bit ahead but more in a defiant way. Things I never thought I would be able to do like walk to the end of the driveway or pick up beadwork or drink 20 oz of water I DID. I did those things and if I can do that on MY HARDEST day,what more can I accomplish?? Yes, thank you LORD! As for my hair I still have it. But I have also aquired a rash of sorts on my neck, small red bumps so more medicine. It seems the time I finish one bottle, I start another... But it's there for a reason. God put doctors into place and medicine there for a reason. God still knows what's He's doing. And for that I am Thankful (and of course for my new phone...) Love!

Take my breath away

Today was a good day! A little stomach pain, joint pain, but ohh so much better than days past! So Elizabeth and I (my three year old) have this thing. I don't say anything to her and she just says.... I LOVE YOU TOO MOMMY! Like we are reading each other's minds. It is THE CUTEST! So today I went for this walk Bill and I walked to the mailbox on the way we saw our landlord drive past (he's picking up one of our puppies). I told Bill to go ahead and catch up to him. I stopped to talk to the neighbor, then on my way. As I was walking a light wind blew, a beautiful wind, a soft wind like a note from a sheet of music or faraway laughter. the wind blew I threw my head back and said "I LOVE YOU TOO!" Another gust a little stronger, "I LOVE YOU TOO!" Another yet even stronger gust. I could hear it in the trees like music, like tears of joy, like coming home. Tears came to my eyes, He loves me, ohh how HE loves me. Nothing goes unnoticed to God, nothing surprises Him. He is with me. When I'm laying in bed BONE tired and not a breath in me, HE SEES! When I am walking in love out of breath, HE SEES. How blessed I am, how blessed I am to have God in my life. To have GOD in my life. The creator of the universe sees and hears and walks with me. Me... a speck in the sands of time a blip on a huge radar of life. Love... is in the air!

First Day back at work

Today, right now, I am a little sad... Today Bill went back to work. I miss him. He has been my strength, He has been God's light in my life these last few weeks. From appointments, to kids, to laundry, to...a shoulder to cry on. God TRUELY gave this man to me. I would ask anyone reading, today, hug someone so very close to you. Hug them for an extra moment and thank God for them. God puts these people in our lives for a reason, and we may never know the full extent of that reason, but if we hug them a little longer today we are expressing our thanks to God for them. Love you all...

(PS, a post on Bill's fb wall today from everyone will help me in showing him how great a guy he is)

Meeting with the Dr.

Today. Today. Today. A huge day for me since discovery that I had found a tumor that is cancerous. (Ugg, that word! It just SOUNDS ugly!) I met with my Oncologist. I have a chemo plan. 3 Chemo drugs, once every three weeks, two of the drugs for 6 cycles and the third one for a year. I still cannot comprehend a year. LORD, get me through this DAY! WITH GOD ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE. My first cycle is Monday. Monday. The Dr. said after my first cycle about 7 days my hair will fall out. So I will shave it. I cried for the first time about my hair. I was surprised I actually care. There I was weeping, weeping my hair, my hair. Bill loves my hair. I love my beautiful brown native hair. Bill said it best...mourning. And that's how it felt. Ohh, sooo sad. I still have a CT, PET/BONE tomorrow. I am cautiously optimistic. Bill and I have been talking about him flying home to get the kids. Of this I would be so grateful. I miss my kids sooo much, Ohh to hold Lelly. :) :) :) To hold Olivia's hand :) :) :) and to hug my son BJ :) :) :) It makes my heart fly to think of them. Another Divine appointment. We met a man from a small village whose brother has cancer and will start chemo on Monday. He gave some great words of encouragement in the parking lot of our hotel! PRAISE YOU LORD!

Going Live

After much thought, consideration and prayer...I'm going live with my blog. I've been writing in my journal, faithfully every night, but I want to share this, my experience. I want to gain strength and have others recieve strength from what I am going through. I am NOT going through this ALONE. God has been my constant strength and I want to share this. I love you all

First mention...Cancer

Ultra Sound. I took pictures with my camera outside in the waiting room before the appointment. Lelly and Daddy. Waiting with me. Nervous? A bit. A really nice tech made me feel super relaxed. We chatted. Had a difficult time getting good images (she said hard because of the shaped of breasts in general). hahaha! Radiologists came in after a looooong time away with tech. Or maybe it just felt looooong. I didn't really mind waiting. calming in the dimly lit room with the glowing computer screen, images of my breast still there. The radiologist pokes around with the machine and starts looking. He looks all round and when he gets under my arm I wince in pain. Owie! It hurts tears come to my eyes. It's a  deep pain. Almost like an inner pain. The kind of pain that's emotional brought on by surprise, then worry. Immediate worry. I make no noise and bite my lip. I tell myself it will only last a minute more and that just when I can't handle it, it will stop. And it does. I've had this pain the night before. My husband is helping me check and notice a lump or has it grown to under my arm? He checks and I wince. I think of him and the kids and tears flow. Owie! A rush of a thought and I'm back with the radiologist thankful that's over. His words. As he's talking I'm desperate to remember terms and words to relay back to Bill. Bill's an RN and will help me understand. Possibly and infection a deep infection. Mastitis. But most women show signs on the skin and won't even let the tech/ radiologist touch their breasts. I think I haven't nursed in a year. How is that possible. Then the radiologist said words like we need to keep in the back of our minds... not to worry you. A type of cancer that is in milk ducts. Not common. I felt my mind say "calm", "smile", "be okay"...I didn't want to give a reaction. Looking back I now see God's loving hand of mercy on me and Him creating my bubble. My bubble. HIS bubble of love surrounding me, enveloping me, protecting me. I walked out to the waiting room hold it in sat down told Bill and let it out. I though of my kids and Bill and my mom.....I I met with my Dr. after lunch and it didn't seem as light as conversations before. More solemn than before. But paperwork would be send in so I could travel to Anchorage to see the surgeon there. I honestly feel like I took a step that we're moving in some sort of direction.

5.5.11 I won't ever promise...

I won't ever promise all good days, and I won't promise all bad days. I will promise to be strong and as I have told my kids, "I will fight". Cancer may make me feel sick or tired or hurt, but it will not take away my fight to live and be the best person that God has created me to be. God will see me through every minute!

From my journal...
Why do days differ so much? Maybe to teach me that God's love is consistent. When my body, appetite, energy are not, God is. The woman with the issue of blood! At times I want to ask why, but I stop myself. God knows and I want to trust Him. Today I had energy, an appetite, but yet I couldn't seem to move. I didn't feel as nauseated. Starting to feel locked in my body. But I have to remember I'm not. I'm... God is killing the cancer. He already did 2000 years ago on the cross. By His stripes I am healed. I've been reflecting on what I've been through in my life, and God has helped me, been with me every step of the way and He will not leave me or forsake me. He's not done with me yet! Thank you Lord! Just as I am. Lord, Lord. Help me to make it through, trusting you. All the way. I love you Lord. I love you.

My First Facebook post

by Rhonda McAnulty on Monday, May 2, 2011 at 8:29pm (via facebook)

I told myself I would post after this or after that... I was diagnosed a little over a week ago with Breast cancer. I have had the ride of my life in the last week and half and my dad says "hold on you're in for the ride of you life", and I believe it. But I am hold fast to God's unchanging had and his enduring mercies. Please keep myself and my family in your prayers and much love to all of you". I will soon be starting a blog/ongoing note to keep everyone updated. You're also welcome to ask my dad or sisters for updates. Thanks again!