11.29.11 Terrible head cold

and sore throat. Coughing. So today I was suppose to start radiation. Yesterday was the day they made sure teir markers are/were correct. I've already started out on the wrong foot with my radiologist and his staff and now this. I am telling you this is the worst I've felt in a loooong time. Mentally, physically, emotionally, just drained! I'm scared to death of radiation. I think it's because I'm not in control. I have to do this everyday for 7.5 weeks. No stopping, no skipping. This is so hard for me. I've been told horror stories about radiation and it just scares the crap outta me. The stuff about it burning my skin not sleeping at night. Not feeling very strong about this one. All of that on top of the fatigue. I already am tired, how much more tired can I be? CRAP. I guess we'll just have to wait and see. Thank you all for listening. I'm going to make it through this because of all of you. When I write, I write to you and to myself. I write because I know someone is listening, somewhere and if someone is listening, I have to keep on. So they can hear my WHOLE story. Not just the ups. Not just the downs. The scary parts, the interesting parts and the boring parts. I love you all. Love you, love me, love you, love me.

PS Rads start next Monday. A HUGE thank you to Dr. W for standing up to Dr. S for me. He was trying to make me come in tomorrow with this crappy cold. This is the first Dr.(S) I'm having trouble with. Keep me in your prayers folks...Rads will be in Fairbanks. Still chemo (Herceptin) every three weeks in Anchorage.

11.24.11 Thanksgiving!

As I sit here and type, I take a long drink from a cold bottle of water, full on a Thanksgiving FEAST, listening to my son play xbox, and husband cleaning the carpet. I am BLESSED. Cancer took my tastebuds for a moment. Cancer took friends and scared some away, but more CAME into my life. Cancer took my hair, but I learned the beauty I have inside is worth more than all the hair in the world. Cancer sends me away from my kids every 3 weeks, but I am oh so happy to see them when I get home. Cancer told me my marriage couldn't last, but it has made it stronger! Cancer drained me of my energy and has made me feel weak, but I have learned, when I am weak, HE IS MADE STRONGER! Cancer has not taken me down but lifted me to places I never dreamed possible.


Love you, love me, love you, love me

11.19.11 Saturday Post

So one day + after core biopsy. Doing great. Feeling good, although my sleeping medicine was changed last night and that didn't help last night asleep at 1:00A, up at 3:A, back asleep at about 4A and up at 9A. So tonight? back to the old meds? Not sure. But spirits are up! Looking forward to getting back to working out and being a mom. I was told I will have a "new normal" and I'm looking forward to that. Today I didn't think about cancer, and I thank my dad for that. For taking me out and I forgot I had cancer. :) Looking forward tomorrow and Sunday in Anchorage. Love you, love me, love you, love me!

11.18.11 Surgery for Biopsy

First let me say I am in a fantastic (!) mood. I'm glad that ones over with. Also, every time I type, think or say Biopsy, I think of  "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" where the aunt says Bee-op, bee-ups, how you say Bee-" and the girl says "Biopsy..." makes me smile anyhow. So tonight good. I had my surgery, two samples taken from 2 lumps. It will probably be a week or two, and that's okay with me. I'm just glad to have that one over with. I know I will need another to remove the breast, I just want to be EVEN! ha, I make myself smile. Okay so this is to let you all know I'm doing fine! Love you, love me, love you, love me.

11.17.11 Night before Surgery

Hi folks, still in the game! I've been here at ANMC, with limited Internet access, so therefore unable to posts updates. I go in tomorrow for a surgery/ biopsy. If the results are positive I will have another mastectomy sooner than later. If the results are negative I will still move for another mastectomy but it could be later (January after radation). This is my choice. I don't want to be "thinking" I feel another lump every couple of months and rushing down here to Anchorage. I'm doing good have a positive, upbeat attitude and am meeting a lot of folks here in Anchorage, storing up my treasures in heaven... :) My surgery is set for 10:45 AM, please keep me in your prayers and I'll do the same! Love you, love me, love you, love me!

11.16.11 Wednesday Doctors Appts

First of all let me say, I love ANMC. I love the staff from the doctors, nurses, pharmacy to the kitchen and housekeeping. Each and every person takes such good care of me! I met with my doctors, Dr. Stange from surgery and Dr. Smiley, my oncologist. Dr. Stange said my mammogram and ultra sound came out NEGITIVE! yes Thank you GOD! Our God is so big! Dr. Stange also said he felt very good about the results and what he saw. He didn't think there was anything to be concerned about! I am so thankful! I will have surgery for a biopsy this Friday, I feel like I really want to know for sure and I want to take control of my body and care.

11.14.11 Another Monday

So it's not even NEAR the end of the day, but I have to get this out. My kids come home from school soon and I have to get this out. Tears, sadness. I don't want to do this. I don't want to go back to Anchorage. I don't want to fight, I don't want to even get out of bed. I have these amazing highs and lows to the lowest. Trying, to just be done with emotions. I love my kids so much I don't want them to see me hurting. They know I do, I want to wrap my arms around them and hug and kiss them to no end. Elizabeth kept me strong this morning, playing restaurant and barbies and laughing, laughing. She calls me near, so I will end for now. Keep praying folks as I let go and let GOD. I am weak and HE IS MADE STRONG. Love you, love me, love you, love me.

11.13.11 Sunday bed

Sundays I spend in bed. About 2 PM everyday I hit this wall of tiredness. At 5:00PM my aches start in. But Sundays I stay in bed. Bill takes care of the house and kids. It's so nice. Today I rested and I can only hope tomorrow will be renewed. God is love. Love you, love me, love you, love me.

11.12.11 Family Saturday

Spent the day with Bill and the kids, minus a couple of hours when Bill took Billy to basketball practice, I had a couple of errands to run. I am so BLESSED to run errands, to drive and be with my kids. There are still moments when I am eating something and I think back to this past summer and not being able to enjoy food or drink a few ounces of water. Then I remember how BLESSED I am. There is no other word, no other way for me to describe. I also thank God for Bill everyday. He is my home. He gives me strength and hope and life by being God's strength and hope and life. He is my reminder everyday of how God is in control and God is taking care of me. I am reaching a new point of asking for help, I can feel it. Continue to pray for me and I will do the same. Love you, love me, love you, love me.

11.11.11 Puppy birthday

Amazing. Simply amazing what God can do. The wonders of His love. Our "Montana" had puppies. Nine of them. I was so angry about her being pregnant. I so don't have the energy to watch puppies, but God knows.
Anchorage (ANMC-Alaska Native Medical Center) called and made my appointment for Wed and Thursday. Mammogram and Ultra Sound Wednesday and meet with Surgeon on Thursday. I am NOT looking forward to this. I really REALLY hope I don't have to have another biopsy. They stink. They hurt. But I suppose since I made it through the first one. That and I'm not sure about more chemo. That would TOTALLY suck. (BTW, I hate the word suck, but I'm totally upset about this.) I know that the devil would have me to be upset and angry at God, at the hospital, at the doctors, but I'm not, NOT going to be angry at God. He knows all about me and what I am going through. I am loved by Him. I will continue to love Him, serve Him and give Him the glory. Join me friends... love you, love me, love you, love me

11.10.11 Another lump

It's taken me a few days to write this, to wrap my brain around it... I found another lump. My heart aches. Another lump in my breast. The only breast I have left. I found it Tuesday, told Bill Wednesday saw my doctor today. She felt it as well. This is frustrating. Angry, yes. Very. Angry at cancer. Angry that it's doing this to me. Angry that... ah! I don't even want to give my time and energy about talking about it. This really sucks. It stinks. I called Anchorage to tell my Oncologist and figure out what to do next. Bill says if cancer has taught us anything it's that we CAN'T guess what's going to happen next. I DO know that people are praying. I love you all. Love you, love me, love you, love me.

11.9.11 Radiology Set-up

As I lay on the table for radiology to find where my radiation will be, I wonder, is this me? Am I really here? How did this happen? When did this happen? Then I bring myself to reality and slow my mind. I also had a CT scan which brought the whole appointment to an hour and a half. The best part of today was realizing I could leave my three year old with my twelve year old. What a good kid and wonderful babysitter! I also got to see an old boss, who made my DAY! Reminising about the younger years, being a young mom, wife and co-worker. God has brought me so far! Today was a difficult day, more of that later. But I am here, I am smiling and I am going to keep going and going and going! Bill says "There is no other option". Love you, love me, love you, love me!

11.6.11 Home Sweet Home

God blessed us with a wonderful trip back from Wasilla, we listened to a great message (via podcast) from Rod Parsley. A message about prayer! We made it home to our two dogs, Montana and Tolovana and cat Big Eddy (who by the way is getting bigger... :) I am so blessed and amazed by God's goodness and His grace! The trip was good, bits of snow here and there, but we had a nice warm vehicle and the blessing of knowing there were other basketball families on the road! In this life there plenty of opportunities to complain, but I will use this time to give God glory for all He has done! Off and on throughout the summer, when feeling so bad physically, BJ would start to shoot hoops (right outside my window). More than once I wanted to complain, but the majority of the time I let him continue. (bounce, bounce, swoosh, bounce, bounce, swoosh!) I only remember twice telling him to please stop. I felt so blessed as I was sitting on the chairs in the gym today, so proud of my son and so thankful to God for getting me here! It was a long day, 3 games in a row a beautiful lunch with family who let me joke and laugh and laugh, and then the trip home. A beautiful long day, a day that the LORD had made! Looking forward to another tomorrow. Be blessed friends and family and know that when I say I am praying for you, I truely AM! loveyou, loveme, loveYOU, loveme!

11.5.11 Day 1 Wasilla Tourney

What a GRAND day! Ihop with Bill and the kids (gotta love IHOP waffles!) Then off to see our Wasilla McAnulty family. My sister-in-law and I spent the morning/ early afternoon shopping at the Holiday marketplace in Wasilla then taking Miss Lelly to McDonalds. A story begins...

My sister-in-law had a rocky start of a relationship, (my issues). It took cancer for me to see the beauty in her and how God had planned for us to be sisters. I am now blessed to have her in my life and as weird as it sounds, thankful for cancer, because it brought us together. I love ya girl!

We had dinner at Hacinenda in Wasilla and it was fantastic! Made it to one of Billy's later games and as I sat there I thought of how blessed I am to watch my son play basketball! Ended the evening with ice-cream and back to the hotel. Needless to say our hotel room was RIGHT above the bar and we got to watch a bit of TV and listen to bad karoke as we drifted off to sleep. My prayer RIGHT before falling asleep..."Lord, please let someone who can sing half decent get up on stage". I will now pray for them to repent and start singing in church :) God is good! Love you, love me, love you, love me.

11.4.11 Traveling to Wasilla

So traveling to Wasilla today for Billy's first basketball tourney of the season. Last year I made it to only 1 tourney. And that was the only game of Billy's I made it to. So this year I am determined to make it to more games! It was a nice trip, Bill and I and the kids. Originally we were going to drive all the way to Anchorage and hotel in Anchorage and travel to Wasilla for the games on Saturday and Sunday, but we got in soooo late! Both Bill and I had only got about 3-4 hours of sleep last night, me + caffine = late and then Bill was feeling a little ill after that. So we left Fairbanks at about 7:30 and made it into Wasilla at 2:30A. The roads were TERRIBLE! Snow, rain, wind, but we made it safe and sound albeit tired. Thank you Lord! Love you, love me, love you, love me!

11.4.11 Radiology Appointment and Staging

So, I am actually entering this a few days later then the actual day of the appointment. (It takes me a few days to get up courage to actually type this out and FACE it, but that's part of the reason I write.)

I met with my radiologist today Dr. S here in Fairbanks (because radiation is usually everyday for x amount of weeks, I will do radiation here in Fairbanks rather than stay in Anchorage, this I am thankful for!). The best thing about this appointment was that Dr. S was able to stage me, which hasn't been done yet, because we were waiting on my surgery. Because my cancer progressed so rapidly in such a short amount of time, and the ultra sound and mammogram couldn't "see" the tumor as a whole (it was hidden deep in my breast), we were unable to accurately determine the size and therefore the stage. I have a few friends and family that are nurses so forgive me if I am too technical and also forgive me if I'm too.. explaining too much for those who don't have medical education. Up until April, I knew VERY LITTLE about breast cancer. So, my tumor was 7.5-10 cm staging it at a T3 (tumor 3). It was NOT with direct extension to the chest wall and /or to the skin (did not touch the chest wall or skin, had it been either of these it WOULD'VE been T4, tumor 4). It was found to have metastases to movable ipsilateral level I lymph node (it had moved on my lymph node under my arm). And lastly, the tumor had NOT traveled to ANY other part of my body. This was all before chemo, PRAISE GOD, chemo did it's job! Upon surgery and removal of what was left of the tumor, the doctors found that the tumor had actually broke up and small bits and pieces were found. So, I was found to need radiation to kill any bits and pieces not already killed by the chemo, the pieces were too small to test all of them, HOWEVER, of what was found it appeared INITIALLY to be dead (my earlier report from doctors after surgery). I am so very thankful! I was not looking forward to radiation, and am not currently looking forward to it, but I am thankful that the cancer did not spread and that I can take care of this now. God is good and holding me in the palm of his hand! Radiation starts at the end of the month after Thanksgiving, keep praying and I will do the same for you! Love you, love me, love you, love me!

11.3.11 Late Night

Having a late night. I was reading about a case here in Fairbanks, and got to thinking about "hard times" which can look very different to each of us. I also heard a celebrities mom say "She is way stronger than I ever could be". But we are all different. We all have different struggles and different "hard times". I see people who fight addiction and they seem so strong to me. People in jail? I don't know how they do it. People with chronic illnesses like rheumatoid artritis. People who struggle to have kids, it can go on and on. What we do when faced with "hard times" determines a lot in my opinion. We can choose to fight and be negitive, we can choose to give up and become depressed, we can blame others, then there's the turning to God. My mom used to say give it all over to God. I didn't know what that meant. I did many, many, many times with my mouth. I give you my life. I felt no HUGE change right away. I felt a bit lighter. Then I would be faced with smoking cigerettes I would give it over to God, many, many, many times.Then I found out I was pregnant with BJ and I quit.  Hounding my husband is another thing. I stop and  pray, Lord I give this over to you, if He needs to change, only you can change him and only when he wants. BUT LORD, if it's me (and I know part of it is because I'm hounding here), change me. Change my heart and how I'm seeing things. I give it over to you. Somethings we give over once and we move on. Other things, habit, hurts and hang-ups that we have done over and over and over, need to be given up over and over and over. We'll get there. And we'll learn to be content where we are, because we are learning and loving. Sorry to preach, but I just feel so strongly for my friends and family to know how much I love them and know that they TOO will make it through their "hard times". Today, tonight, I thank God in advance for bringing you through and bringing you closer to Him. You're gonna make it, I'm praying for you! Love you, love me, love you, love me!

11.2.11 My Kids, my heart

So, everyone who knows me, knows that my kids are my heart. In fact there are many times I find that I am having to learn to trust God with them. I want to protect them so much, to watch their every movement, to protect them from EVERY wrong, forever. Mother's instinct, you would say. Where I am in my life, I am learning to trust God in every aspect, including my kids. It's hard. I'll give you a little background a bout me and my children. When Bill and I got married, I told him I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom. We found out we were pregnant about two months after we got married. I was working at the time and had always dreamed of being a working mom, kids in childcare, having the best of both worlds. My mom was a homemaker, she never worked a day out of the house, we took our lunches to school and EVERYDAY after school, there she was. Looking back now I see a true labor of love. I see how my mom's mission field was her home. I see how God used her to bring GLORY to Him by raising us. The early years of my baby Billy was filled with learning new and different ways of raising our child. I was learning I was a different person than my mother, created to be a different mom. Billy was taken care of by my sisters Candy, Rachelle and Heather. At the age of 1 year and 1 month Billy entered into Early Head Start. His caregivers Ann, Nicole and Tracy loved him like he was their own. I have vivid memories of Nicole walking around the classroom holding Billy and rocking him as he cried for his mama. When he was 17 months old, Miss Olivia was born. She was my little dream. Always dressed in pink and often I told Bill "Juilliard". She spent the first six months of her life with me at work. It was heaven and I probably would've kept her there until Kindgerten had I not be told it was time for her to be loved during the day by others... My husband worked nights and would come home very early in the morning to sleep on the living room floor with Olivia asleep on a ginormous pillow on the couch. Bill slept with one had on her. When she was about 8 months old she entered a daycare at my husband's work and was loved by Miss Anita. I cried. I hated to drop my kids off at daycare. By this time our finances were so that I had to continue working. On my sick days or days off I had my kids at home with me. I couldn't stand the thought of having someone else care for them if I was home. I wanted so to stay at home all of the time by now. Working 40 hours a week and taking care of a family I realized just wasn't for me. Fast forward several years later. Bill and I decided our family was not complete, but wanting another child, we also decided I would stay home with this baby. My mother had been diagnosed with Ovarian Cancer and we moved out to her and my dad's property. We found out we were pregnant and over fresh moose meat on an open fire in September announced to my family. My mother's started chemo and in April 2008 I left one of the best jobs I have know. One month later, Miss Elizabeth was born. She made our little family complete. I finally was a stay-at-home mom, and I had MY mother to help. But God had other plans and in July 2008 my mother passed away. To this day whenever I pick up a laundry basket I think of carrying Miss Elizabeth in it or hanging laundry, with my mom on the porch talking to me. It has now been over 3 years that I have been staying home with Elizabeth and greeting my children everyday after school (minus during my trips to Anchorage). God has said that it's time for me to trust Him with my children in childcare again. We have made the very difficult decision to put Elizabeth in full daycare. To some parents this would not be a big deal, to me it's the world. I want my children near me whether I'm sick or well or tired or energized to the fullest. With Billy and Olivia, they are 12 and 10 and it won't be a big issue to have them home while I start and continue Radiation. Miss Elizabeth is the one I am learning to allow to grow. She is full of words and decisions and LIFE! She keeps me going and wears me out (at the same time)! I cry to let her go, but I am reminded that GOD is in control and HE knows what's best for me, Bill and my kids. Who knows this may last a day or years, but HE is in control and I trust Him with every aspect of my life including my children. God is good and His plans for me are to prosper and not for evil. His glory will be revealed and I will TRUST HIM. God is good...all the time. Love you, love me, love you, love me.

PS Radiology appointment changed to Friday 9A, more to post on that later!

11.1.11 Carpooling mom!

Well folks... I had an appointment with Radiology today. (originally if I had a mastectomy, no radiation, but since they found cancer, I now have to do radiation.) My appointment was switched to tomorrow morning, which make this a long week for me. Tonight as we were headed home from the daily activities, I cried. So weary of staying in bed in the evening while Bill races around the kids, I cried. I so want to sit on bleachers and watch my kids play. I want to run them around town from one activity to fast food because I forgot to cook dinner and we're running late (again). So we pulled in the driveway my tears drying. Bill walks in ahead of me. I pickup scattered items from the van. I walk in the house and without thinking, I say "I'm going to take them tonight. I'll go, you stay here. I'll do this. I'm gonna do this!" and...and...and I did. I became the carpooling mom. Cancer didn't stop me, chemo, radiation, surgery and a crappy attitude didn't keep me from enjoying a wonderful time with my kids. We laughed, sang, talked and LOVED! So as not to leave miss Elizabeth out of it. I picked her early up from school and we snuck home for a little nap. I held her the whole time and woke up with a sore arm and the beautiful scent of baby sweat. Ahh, I love my life! God is good and tonight I go to sleep happy with carpooling, McDonalds for dinner and a semi-relaxed hubby. God bless you all Love you, love me. love you. love me