10.30.12 Chemo Round 1

All hooked up, BEFORE.

Chemo...Blech! But thankful for the hands and minds that created this!

We got a live wire here!

AFTER...

Scriptures to get me through

Tired. That's all I can really say. I had my melt down yesterday. I went in happy clamming. Loving my nurses. Joking, fun, so very Blessed to be back in the chair. These chairs brought me to other patients. People to pray for, people to pray for me. People to smile at, conversation with. This particular chair was the first place I met W. W my friend, her story so very different. She was fighting this disease for the third time. She has a baby the same age as mine. W. now has this disease again. Fighting in another state. Fighting. I am blessed to type Chemo Round 1. Love you, love me, Love you, love me.

10.29.12 Hospital Cafeteria

I tell ya, I could write a book sitting here. Daddies with kids, Grandpa's sharing lunch. Woman walking together, heads together telling secrets. Dining Services keeping the tables clean. An elderly man walks by, he smiles. A true, "I understand" smile. I need that. I look away with tears in my eyes. This is going to sound strange to some of you, but I enjoy time here by myself. Yeah it can get lonely. Yeah I miss my kids and family. But here I enjoy this quiet time, thinking, mulling over things. Reading, writing, crochet. Love you, love me, love you, love me.

10.26.12 Five Words

I'm not a cusser anymore. Back in the day, I could swear up a storm. Life, maturity, kids, Christianity, Faith, all this changed me (a change I searched out and choose). But if I could, if you could've heard me today, it was swear word, Lord forgive me". So Wednesday the doctor call, breast cancer on my ovaries. Now, I hadn't thought about it, but today it was said out loud. "stage 4-No evident Disease". Stage 4. Stage 4. Stage 4. terminal. terminal. Forever. Terminal. No day will ever go by where I don't think, remember Breast cancer. Survivor, Thiver, Whatever. It's here hon, to stay. The words echo in my brain. I have always told others, "ya know I'm making it through this, it's not terminal, it's not forever. It's not chronic. It will go away, it will be the past soon enough. But now, with this new diagnosis, terminal. And as I am contemplating these words, I want to scream to cry. I want to be angry. At God, at my past. My past. I search, I start to look through my entire past, where? where? NO. NO! I will NOT look back. I will NOT blame God.
I have said before, this blog, I write this because someday YEARS from now, I want my kids to read this when I'm like 110 years old. I want them to see this moment, a moment I was ready to give up and give in, but I remember them. I know you will one day read this and this one is for you...


I WILL WALK THIS OUT. ONE DAY, ONE DAY. TODAY. Today I will hear the words, NO EVIDENT DISEASE. I have no cancer in my body. God took it. God took it because others prayed. I will recieve that. I will smile as I walk down the hallway minutes, literally MINUTES after I hear the words. I will laugh and joke and live. I saw a sign at the airport, "Wrote a book on life while dying". I want to be the woman who "wrote a book about life while living". And I will and I AM. Billy, Olivia, Elizabeth I love you and momma's fighting for YOU today.

Love you, love me, love you, love me.

10.25.12 A lunchtime mission

Sitting in the caferteria today I overheard a lady and a man talking. He was ministering to her. She was sad, crying? I sat down to eat, said a prayer, "Lord, you have a mission for me today, whatever it is, go with me. YOUR will be done." I overheard this conversation, got up went over and prayed with this woman. It is times like these I feel so blessed to be here, where I am. I get the chance to meet others and pray with and for them. This is my blessing. Where does my joy come from? It comes from the Lord and doing HIS will. Blessed. BLESSED I TELL YA! Love you, love me, love you, love me....

10.22.12 Visitor

I have a visitor that comes by and cleans my house. I sit typing this, tears of joy. Makes me feel so loved and appreciated and needed. Truely a servent. How many times have I said "Oh, thanks so much" when people say "Call me if you need anything, ANYTHING." But I don't. I'm robbing them of joy or a blessing. They want to BLESS me, to see me with tears of joy. When I say I don't need anything, I am robbing them, I am stealing their joy. Blessed I am for you M. I love you... love you, love me, love you, love me.

10.21.12 Ouch and Toot-'in!

So Toot-in' is my swear word. This crazy tube comes out of my body. Then there's a bulb that hangs off the end of it. I can't move around for more than a few minutes, I can't lift anything (even a lifting cup of coffee hurts). My sutures came out on my stomach and it itches soooo bad, have you ever had an itch that hurt to scratch it and hurt to not scratch? This crazy bulb at the end of this 18 inch tube I can't sleep on it. The slightlest pull on it sending me cringing in pain. I am tired. I don't mind sitting and doing nothing, I

I couldn't finish. I couldn't even finish my blog. Then it happened. Crying. pain from my surgeries, pain from pain. Crying. I hold Olivia for a little bit. Wishing for my mom. She says "it's okay mom, it's okay, I know you love me." Bill holds me. I can't see to stop sobbing. There is this huge lump in my throat. Burning. Then slowing like a balloon it deflates. I talk, Bill listens. I tell him I am scared. Scared of chemo. I don't want to go back. I somehow know I will. I know I will because I did it before. It will be hard once I get there. But I will make it through this, and like I've said so many times before, but by the grace of God. It's like those moments you know you're driving down the road and your mind is so full, you're not sure HOW you made it from point A to point B. Except that you did and now you are ready to deal with what's in front of you. This is how it was for me. I know that this fight will be different. How? I'm not sure. I do know that the last fight has prepared me for the one coming up. That whatever happend in the past, those were experiences will help me to get through whatever my future holds. And I know that HE HOLDS ME IN THE PALM OF HIS HAND. Love you, love me, love you, love me.

10.16.12 Day 1 Bedrest

 Bedrest, I'm actually kinda looking forward to staying off my feet and see what God has in store...




 From my facebook post...
So, home. Please do not be offended if I was in Anchorage and did not get to see you. We had a busy time with doctor's appointments, surgery, more doctor's appointments and spending some much needed time together, Bill and I. My official update is, NO cancer in the breast. I had my left breast removed (I have none now, but happy to not have cancer and to not be lopsided :) I also had my ovaries re

moved, so since this means no more McAnulty kids, Bill and I will start our farm... :) just kidding, kinda, no pun intended... :) I also had another medical port put in. This means I will have chemo. What kind and how often is yet to be determined. It most likely will be in Anchorage. They are also testing my ovaries for cancer. What does all of this mean? It is good. I am ALIVE. I am breathing. I get to hug and kiss my kids and husband. I get to drink coffee with my facebook friends and post blogs. :) I am going to be on bedrest, for the most part of 6 weeks. No driving, cleaning, cooking. But I am blessed to be ALIVE and to have my laptop and crocheting. Keep me in your prayers and I will do the same. If you're interested in visiting me, please call. I love all of you....TEXTS gladly welcome!!

10.15.12 Flying home

Finally after a week, flying home. I never really realize how much stress I've been under until I get home and then begin to relax. Tonight we came home to friends, family and home cooked chicken noodle soup. My kids, my kids. The joy in seeing them!We had gifts for them and they were so happy to see us! My sister Rachelle was there. My rock this last week, she helped to take care of my kids and love on them while I was gone. I have to admit, one of my biggest faults is change. I don't like change, coming or going. So when we got home I had to adjust going from just Bill and I to family and being surrounded by love. Bill and I had our moments too. cancer sucks cause it takes everything out of you. I can become so stressed about cancer I put aside my stresses about kids and money and other aspects of life that when I do become ready to deal with them, it all just spills out. I call it word vomit. My words spew out everywhere. Poor Bill gets a lot of the brunt of it. My actions I have never been able to hide either. Especially disappointment. These are my real moments folks. I'm human too. These are things I don't love about myself, and I want to change. I will either change them, or learn to love them. I suppose I can also learn to love the good about them and get rid of the crap... :) In other news, I didn't really cry until... until I got on the plane. I haven't cried about the loss of my breast, my ovaries, of having to have ANOTHER port put in. I didn't cry before or after surgery. I cried about the pain of the tests, about death, about missing my kids, about screwing up my sisters birthday, but not about the loss of my friend, left boobie. She carried me through the last year. She was there when the other failed. She fed my babies, comforted me in good times and bad. She was there for a lot in my life. So not crying for her, that's a big deal. I get on the plane, I have to go through the special lift, there is another older gentleman, we catch each others eyes a few times. We both are scared where the lift goes, how it gets us on the plane. We can't talk it's too loud on the tarmac. I reassure him with a smile. He smiles back as if to say, "I know honey, it's going to be okay." We board and I notice he's sitting a few rows back across the isle. I sees me and smiles, "We're doing this". The plane finishes boarding, Bill gets on, all my stuff in tow. As the plane gets ready to take off I look back and there is my friend, no words spoken, just a look, "It's okay, I understand". I cry. I bawl. I bury my head in Bill's shoulder. Tears are in my chest, in my throat, please, "Please, please, I'm sorry. I didn't get to say anything. I was going to say something. I was going to let you know I care. That what you DIDN'T say, what you meant to me, when I was scared and trying to be brave. I needed you. I know that now." In a minute, in a heartbeat, cry and then done. Yes, she was my friend. Yes, HE was my friend. If I forget, love you, love me, love you, love me.

10.14.12 Sunday Dinner

Nothing says Sunday to me, more than Sunday dinner with family. Be family here or there. I'm not the biggest fan of a certain Italian restaurant. I have had great Italian food I guess. I have a friend AM who is ITALIAN AND A GREAT COOK. She spoiled me. But this dinner was good nonetheless. We got to spend time with my brother in law, sister-in-law and nephew. We shopped first. I have to say I'm not a fan of wheelchairs, but it got me around and that's okay. I think growing up with a mother who was blind, it never really occured to me that people stare. It wasn't until later in life and after she was diagnosed that I was like hey, people are staring...So the wheelchair stares didn't really bother me. I am now in a state of "Oh, they see I had breast cancer and have no boobs". Which to know think about it. No one knows. And by the way, why am I trying to read people's minds. Let them...EAT CAKE! I also think a lot about other people and "why? Why did she go ALL the way through life without cancer?" Another useless thought, cause it will just send me in a tizzy trying to figure it out and I'll end up VERY crabby at other people and they didn't know what on EARTH I'm thinking... Okay, my mind is free from these thoughts, release, let go...good-bye and love you, love me, love you, love me.

10.13.12 Outta the hospital

It was two nights. I'm not your traditional gal, I'm not typical. I enjoy hospital stays. I like they way they take care of you. I like the food (at ANMC). I like the little leg cuffs that keep your feet from falling asleep. I like that they care. Is there anything you need? Can I get you anything? and it's a no pressure thing. They get paid to care for me and most of them guninely want to. I would also have to say that it helps having a husband, sister, cousin, and lots of friends that are nurses. I know how a nurse wants to be treated. I know not to abuse my patience. (  :o) I know to be patient and kind, to appreciate all of their help. I know the hours are long and they have kids and families at home. I know that they are here, because they love people and seeing the best for them. But my time came today to get out, and let these wonderful people take care of someone else.
So we get out of the hospital and I tell Bill take me to the store. Poor thing. I practically gives him a heart attack walking around. I was just determined to LIVE. I am ALIVE. I'm going to TARGET! I want to start living now. I want to learn french and crochet and hug and kiss my babies and spend time with my sisters. And my goodness I'm going to start by first thing outta the hospital! Love you, love me, love you, love me!

10.12.12 Hospital Friday

A person I'm realizing can only blog about so much when in the hospital. The television here is bad, the sleep is good. I like that I can recline and that my feet don't fall asleep. I can stay up late and unless I have a roommate, I don't bother anyone. I can read and read and read. It's a big change from taking care of others to being taken care of, but I don't mind. The pain is a pain, but during my first bout with cancer I learned a lot about pain management and to come out swinging and don't stop until it's out for the count. By this I mean I take my meds before the pain sets in and continue every ___ hours for a day or so then let a little more time go by and a little more and a little more. I don't or try not to blog too much about pain or medicine. Fear that someone's going to break in thinking I have a ton of medicine, but the truth is I also have kids (and a big husband) and I'm hate having kids and medicine around. I don't ever want to abuse my medicine (which won't likely happen cause I don't keep it around). So being in the hospital is okay, cause they can just stick a needle full of happy stuff into my tube thingy, I don't get owies and they leave without leaving anything for anyone to steal/ bribe/ whatever. Okay happy stuff kicking in, love you, love me, love you, love me...

10.11.12 Surgery Day

The day I have been dreading for weeks. I already posted about fears so today wasn't a dread. I remember checking in, signing the last minute paperwork. My nurse Rosemary coming to get me. Medicine. The OR, sliding over to the other bed mask covering face slipping off to sleep. Then..."Rhonda, Rhonda, wake up your surgery is over." Relief. Relief. Kids. My kids. I get to see my kids. I get to see Bill. I get to see my brother, sisters and dad. I'm here. I'm here. woozy. Waking up. Sleep. In my room. Nurse. IV. Leg squeeze thingys. Time? Who cares. I'm here. I get to see my kids. I get to see my kids. Rachelle. Mindona. Candy. Heather. Eric. Dad. Bill...Bill..Bill. I spend most of the day woozy but get to call my sisters I am SO glad. I have NEVER felt more happier to be ALIVE. ALIVE! Love you, love me, love you, love me.

10.10.12 Happy Birthday, my son

I'm in Anchorage. In Anchorage for my son's 13th birthday. I never would have imagined being away from him for his 13th. I want to feel down, upset, angry that I am here on this important day for him. But I am not. We got to celebrate his birthday last weekend. A wonderful afternoon spent with family and friends at "Go-Carts of Alaska". They have a neat little video game room in the back, and I have added taking my kids there when I'm feeling better. A Friday in the spring. Just me and the kids... :) So his birthday. I remember starting this blog, one of my biggest reasons, I don't think I have posted yet, but it has been on my mind, is for my kids. They already know I have it. They know I blog that I have a story. What they don't know is that THIS is for them. Someday they can read it, they will learn a little or a lot about me. They will learn about this journey I have taken. They will learn how I laughed, cried, smiled, cursed, and learned about myself. They will learn how I learned to love myself through some very hard times. They will learn that I am human. They will learn how much I love them. My heart bursts with love when I think of all THEY are going through. They are becoming teenagers. I am so proud of them. They are having to go through this very difficult journey of learning how to laugh, cry, smile, curse and learn about themselves and do all of this while they are physically, mentally, emotionally growing into adults. I am so proud, because I have the strongest kids on the face of the earth and I love them so much. This, BJ, Olivia, Elizabeth, this story is for you. This journey is for you. because I love you. I will walk through the fire and I will walk on the waves not because I can, because I am called to. I am called into a Journey through a cancer diagnosis. But more importantly, so MUCH more importantly, I am called to be your mother, the BEST job I could have EVER asked for. I love you. Love you, love me, love you, love me.

10.4.12 Pain

The pain unbearable. I'm not sure how I'm suppose to make it through the next 12 hours of this. For a PET scan, you need to be on a low-carb diet for two days prior. No breads, pasta, rice, sugar of any kind. So day one ok, a slight headache. Today, the pain gets worst by the minute. I want to go to the mall here in Anchorage before it closes, so we opt to shop before dinner. By the time we are ready to eat, I've waited too long and the pounding is ferocious, excruciating. I wait in the car and Bill waits in the restaurant, the music the noise, and the lights are too much for me. I am beyond tired, beyond hungry and now the pain has settled in, in a serious manner. I run into the restaurant, I'm going to be sick. Bill rushes me out to the car and to a fast food place next door. He brings out chicken and salad, I throw up. I can't do the smell, my head pounds even more. Ah, what have I done? Why did I open these flood gates? I pray, I cry. I end up curled up on the front seat, shaking and sweating. This goes on for I'm not sure how long. I try and reason with Bill that I don't need the stupid test, that I don't think I can do this. Just give me a tortilla or a bowl of rice. I take 2 tiny sips of his coke and it does NOTHING. But I can't drink any more. Where have I felt this before? That I can't do it, but a strength rises within me, When our son Billy was born. Colic isn't a big enough word. My poor son cried 24/7. He would only sleep for about 15 minutes at a time. The nurse had sent home a bag with formula. By the 3rd night, Bill and I were at our wits end. I couldn't nurse anymore. It was painful and I was so tired, so VERY tired. I looked at Bill, I can't do this. Silently he gets up off our bed goes into the kitchen and comes back with the diaper bag. "Whatever you want to do, I am behind you. But I know you can do this." I fit a nipple on the bottle and put it in Billy's mouth. Immediately it is quiet and then my tears roll. Bill reaches over and rubs my shoulder. He's look says it all. I believe in you, whatever you do. I believe in you. I take the bottle out, "I am going to do this, we are going to do this". And we did. I now have a son who will be 13 on the 10th. He is taller than me and takes pride that he can reach higher and his hands are bigger. So tonight as I sip the cool caffinated drink, I look at Bill and his eyes say, "You can do this, I am with you, I am behind you. I believe in you." I set the drink down, "I am going to do this, we are going to do this." Love you, love me, love you, love me.