10.21.12 Ouch and Toot-'in!

So Toot-in' is my swear word. This crazy tube comes out of my body. Then there's a bulb that hangs off the end of it. I can't move around for more than a few minutes, I can't lift anything (even a lifting cup of coffee hurts). My sutures came out on my stomach and it itches soooo bad, have you ever had an itch that hurt to scratch it and hurt to not scratch? This crazy bulb at the end of this 18 inch tube I can't sleep on it. The slightlest pull on it sending me cringing in pain. I am tired. I don't mind sitting and doing nothing, I

I couldn't finish. I couldn't even finish my blog. Then it happened. Crying. pain from my surgeries, pain from pain. Crying. I hold Olivia for a little bit. Wishing for my mom. She says "it's okay mom, it's okay, I know you love me." Bill holds me. I can't see to stop sobbing. There is this huge lump in my throat. Burning. Then slowing like a balloon it deflates. I talk, Bill listens. I tell him I am scared. Scared of chemo. I don't want to go back. I somehow know I will. I know I will because I did it before. It will be hard once I get there. But I will make it through this, and like I've said so many times before, but by the grace of God. It's like those moments you know you're driving down the road and your mind is so full, you're not sure HOW you made it from point A to point B. Except that you did and now you are ready to deal with what's in front of you. This is how it was for me. I know that this fight will be different. How? I'm not sure. I do know that the last fight has prepared me for the one coming up. That whatever happend in the past, those were experiences will help me to get through whatever my future holds. And I know that HE HOLDS ME IN THE PALM OF HIS HAND. Love you, love me, love you, love me.