10.4.12 Pain

The pain unbearable. I'm not sure how I'm suppose to make it through the next 12 hours of this. For a PET scan, you need to be on a low-carb diet for two days prior. No breads, pasta, rice, sugar of any kind. So day one ok, a slight headache. Today, the pain gets worst by the minute. I want to go to the mall here in Anchorage before it closes, so we opt to shop before dinner. By the time we are ready to eat, I've waited too long and the pounding is ferocious, excruciating. I wait in the car and Bill waits in the restaurant, the music the noise, and the lights are too much for me. I am beyond tired, beyond hungry and now the pain has settled in, in a serious manner. I run into the restaurant, I'm going to be sick. Bill rushes me out to the car and to a fast food place next door. He brings out chicken and salad, I throw up. I can't do the smell, my head pounds even more. Ah, what have I done? Why did I open these flood gates? I pray, I cry. I end up curled up on the front seat, shaking and sweating. This goes on for I'm not sure how long. I try and reason with Bill that I don't need the stupid test, that I don't think I can do this. Just give me a tortilla or a bowl of rice. I take 2 tiny sips of his coke and it does NOTHING. But I can't drink any more. Where have I felt this before? That I can't do it, but a strength rises within me, When our son Billy was born. Colic isn't a big enough word. My poor son cried 24/7. He would only sleep for about 15 minutes at a time. The nurse had sent home a bag with formula. By the 3rd night, Bill and I were at our wits end. I couldn't nurse anymore. It was painful and I was so tired, so VERY tired. I looked at Bill, I can't do this. Silently he gets up off our bed goes into the kitchen and comes back with the diaper bag. "Whatever you want to do, I am behind you. But I know you can do this." I fit a nipple on the bottle and put it in Billy's mouth. Immediately it is quiet and then my tears roll. Bill reaches over and rubs my shoulder. He's look says it all. I believe in you, whatever you do. I believe in you. I take the bottle out, "I am going to do this, we are going to do this". And we did. I now have a son who will be 13 on the 10th. He is taller than me and takes pride that he can reach higher and his hands are bigger. So tonight as I sip the cool caffinated drink, I look at Bill and his eyes say, "You can do this, I am with you, I am behind you. I believe in you." I set the drink down, "I am going to do this, we are going to do this." Love you, love me, love you, love me.