10.15.12 Flying home

Finally after a week, flying home. I never really realize how much stress I've been under until I get home and then begin to relax. Tonight we came home to friends, family and home cooked chicken noodle soup. My kids, my kids. The joy in seeing them!We had gifts for them and they were so happy to see us! My sister Rachelle was there. My rock this last week, she helped to take care of my kids and love on them while I was gone. I have to admit, one of my biggest faults is change. I don't like change, coming or going. So when we got home I had to adjust going from just Bill and I to family and being surrounded by love. Bill and I had our moments too. cancer sucks cause it takes everything out of you. I can become so stressed about cancer I put aside my stresses about kids and money and other aspects of life that when I do become ready to deal with them, it all just spills out. I call it word vomit. My words spew out everywhere. Poor Bill gets a lot of the brunt of it. My actions I have never been able to hide either. Especially disappointment. These are my real moments folks. I'm human too. These are things I don't love about myself, and I want to change. I will either change them, or learn to love them. I suppose I can also learn to love the good about them and get rid of the crap... :) In other news, I didn't really cry until... until I got on the plane. I haven't cried about the loss of my breast, my ovaries, of having to have ANOTHER port put in. I didn't cry before or after surgery. I cried about the pain of the tests, about death, about missing my kids, about screwing up my sisters birthday, but not about the loss of my friend, left boobie. She carried me through the last year. She was there when the other failed. She fed my babies, comforted me in good times and bad. She was there for a lot in my life. So not crying for her, that's a big deal. I get on the plane, I have to go through the special lift, there is another older gentleman, we catch each others eyes a few times. We both are scared where the lift goes, how it gets us on the plane. We can't talk it's too loud on the tarmac. I reassure him with a smile. He smiles back as if to say, "I know honey, it's going to be okay." We board and I notice he's sitting a few rows back across the isle. I sees me and smiles, "We're doing this". The plane finishes boarding, Bill gets on, all my stuff in tow. As the plane gets ready to take off I look back and there is my friend, no words spoken, just a look, "It's okay, I understand". I cry. I bawl. I bury my head in Bill's shoulder. Tears are in my chest, in my throat, please, "Please, please, I'm sorry. I didn't get to say anything. I was going to say something. I was going to let you know I care. That what you DIDN'T say, what you meant to me, when I was scared and trying to be brave. I needed you. I know that now." In a minute, in a heartbeat, cry and then done. Yes, she was my friend. Yes, HE was my friend. If I forget, love you, love me, love you, love me.