Divine? First Appointments

From my journal
I had my first appt. at 10:45AM this morning and I got there and it had been changed to tomorrow. I was so upset and and angry. But I was reminded that God is in control and He has a plan. We went to the hospital to figure out my schedule, it was there we ran into family members. They were there for my aunt who just had surgery last week! Had my appointment not been rescheduled I would've never got to see them. My aunty told me to think positive, not to think the other way. That was SO re-assuring! She gave me strength, God have her to give me strength! I miss my kids. I'm really focusing on my tests and recovery but I have moments deep moments where I miss them! They are staying at my sister's. On another note, tomorrow first thing MRI. I am more ready than I have been since I first heard I have to have one. (Let's throw a little claustrophobia in the mix, shall we?)

Fairbanks to Anchorage

From my journal
Woke up very early, spent the day with my baby Lelly Jo. Cleaning, cleaning, cleaning! So proud of my clean house! Lord thank you for the strength and ability to clean my house! The plane ride was a bit scary in some spots. I miss my kids. I can't feel God...I feel empty and alone, but I know I can't rely on feelings, (human body). I have to trust. Lord I'm going to go through this for you. Please, please make your presence known to me. I can't do this alone. I need you. I need you more and I've ever needed anyone or anything!! Lord I don't want to be dishonest or fake with you. I wan you to know my heart and to know me. Come to me, make yourself known to me. come to me, make yourself known to me. Forgive me for treating others badly and for thoughts that are all about me. Help me not to be selfish. Help me to give and receive what you have for me. I put myself in your hands because you are bigger than... and I trust you and you alone. You love me and my heart. I am close to your heart (Psalm 148:14)

Doctor's Orders

I received my orders. We talked about it, my sister, dad and husband. I felt sooo disconnected. Like we were talking about someone else. I kept thinking who are we talking about. We leave for Anchorage tomorrow. MRI, Pet Scan/ BONE SCAN, ONCOLOGY Consult, CAT SCAN, Surgery consult, special diet. I am sooo scared! I just want to go to sleep and wake up okay. Normal. My kids... My kids! I was doing laundry today and though I love doing this for them. I am caring for them. I called my other sister. "Nothing is a surprise to God" I can do all things through Christ." "Cast your cares" "Be anxious for nothing. I am feeling much better. I am praying for strength though the next week.

Easter Sunday

What a beautiful Sunday. My goal was to get through it proclaiming, HE IS RISEN! and I believe I did! But this is not to say I didn't have a few difficult moments...

From my journal
Suffering a bit from trying to get out, feeling blue. I need to separate the attention -vs- the disease. Crazy I know. (But it's still VERY early in my diagnosis..) So feeling like I'm already suffering when God has already given so much!
Weird to think about chemo, implants, surgery. It feels almost surreal. Like I'm going to wake up from this horrible dream. I really do. So today felt like a dream. I mean right now it feels like a dream. Today was wonderful with my sisters. After talking with Bill about some feelings, I feel like I'm going to make it. God is with me and I'm going to MAKE it. God is with me, I am unique and I don't have to worry about what others think. I can choose who to have support me.

Cleaning and Challenages

So to this point, my pain is... minimal, as long as I don't over do it... but I am finding other challenges then phyical in these beginning stages...
From my journal
An early morning with Bill and my dad. Coffee (haven't given up yet). I had breakfast and am seriously thinkg of a diet change. A "raw" diet. I can do this! God is on my side!
As morning gives way to afternoon I clean. Because it's what I can control I suppose. Then it's to bed. Am I falling? I'm glad tomorrow is church. Easter Sunday. Afternoon to evening. I've had my first couple of challenges with close friends. They doubt my diagnosis. I doubt them. Prayer. God knows my heart.

Deployed

I read in the paper (News Miner) that soliders have been/ are being deployed. I think to myself, that I have been/ am being deployed. I'm on a mission for my God. My first assignment? Not exactually sure, but I'm wondering if I have to give up caffine? A small sacrifice I would imagaine. I had a breaking moment. I cried about something happy, something good. I cried good and hard. I thought of who to call? My cousin Sarah, I wasn't going to then, I felt like God was saying it was okay. That He prepared her. I am so thankful to God for His blessings and that HE CHOOSE me, HE PICKED me to fight to reveal HIS glory through me. God didn't give this to me, he is allowing me. And now the uncomfortable stuff, I've had a few friends... I guess they don't understand and it hurts. I was reminded of how Jesus friends had betrayed Him. Not because they didn't love HIM, just cause they couldn't handle it... and that's okay. I will still love these people.

My Diagnosis

Taken from my journal....
I have been diagnosed with Breast Cancer. But Breast Cancer does not have me. My dr. in Anchorage called about 5:15. "It's not good news..." I have felt afraid, I've cried. I've felt sad. I've felt sorry. I've cried for myself for my family, for Bill. I felt weak and strong and angry and I've made myself laugh. All in the span of 4-1/2 hours. Now I want to sleep. I thought I'd be prepared for this but nothing could have. My mind hopes I will go to sleep and wake up and it will have beena sick joke. But I remind myself, "One day at a time." Today I will make it through today and I will remember that God is with me and that HE knows.

Biopsy

I meet with my surgeon. I vaguely remember much of this. I remember my kids and husband in the waiting room, the doctor and his diplomas. A nurse and her helper come in. The doctor examines me and by this time I'm not shy or anything. He notices the lump as everyone who has examined me before. It's on my right side from about 6 o'clock to 1 o'clock. It's hard and not normal for lack of a better word. I also in the last couple of days to a week have noticed to smaller lumps under my arm. The doctor asks if I would like a biopsy now or to wait 2 weeks after being on antibotics. I think to my doctor in Fairbanks and the worried look on Bill's face (by now I've asked him to join us.) I think I can wait two weeks, it's not the waiting that bothers me, it's the letting other's down. So I say okay let's do it now. The doctor explains he will num the skin and place a needle it. I take a deep breathe and wait for a small prick. The pain sets in and I wince, then I cry out, OWIE. OWIE. I take hold of the nursing assistant's hand. The doctor says only a little more. "click, click, click" The needle goes in. Tears stream down my face and I want it to stop. Just a few more minutes, just a few more minutes. "Click, click, click." then it stops and the needle is retracked there is blood all over my gown and the pain has yet to subside. Bill comes in and I cry. The doctor keeps apoligizing. I'm saying it's okay through tears. He says he will write a prescription for pain medication. Bill takes me and the kids out to the car and I wait the longest 20 minutes of my life for the medication and another 20 minutes for it to kick in. The rest of the day is hazy but I start to feel better. I am thankful this is one time and would let anyone know who has to get a biopsy, take a pain killer first. Also remember we're not all the same! love you, love me, love you, love me!

Rudolph and the Prospector

Traveling to Anchorage. Olivia tells Elizabeth "the Prospector" stories in aim to be scary but it turns out comical. And the rest of the trip is laughing at the mention of the prospector. (Bill points out from "Rudolph the Red-Nosed reindeer. I am blessed to have such a comical family!

Prep for Anchorage

I spend the day doing laundry cleaning the house and packing. Church in the morning. I'm excited about taking the kids to Anchorage. They havent' been in awhile. Maybe after all of this blows over this summer we'll take them. Excitemnt is in the air. We decide to rent a car (an SUV) and head to pick it up. Money worries pop up but I immediately remind myself that God has a plan. Our dog Montand and her puppies will go to my friend Loren's garage and I'm okay with that. As I was on the way over to Loren's I had a wonderful chat with my sister-in-law and she had some wonderful words of encouragement for me. I am blessed to have so many people in my life who care about me! The dog and puppies ended up going to my sisters, which is okay. Ready for Anchorage and what God has in store...Blessed be HIS name!

4.9.11 Home

We awake in Minto. The sun is shining and I am loving the views. I don't easily forget my lump. My mind wanders to the good, the bad and yes the ugly. I am reminded of something my husband has said, "One day at a time." So I begin to pray when I have thought outside of today and this moment. Breakfast at my dad's cafe. I cook for Bill, the kids, my uncle Edmund and my uncle Chuck. I express to my husband that I would like to go home today. My mind is fixated on leaving Monday and I would like to leave a clean house and pack for the kids. We talk of a rental car. An idea I am against because of the cost. Bill relents and we decide to head home. He occasionally asks if I am in any pain "No" or "A little". But I wonder if it's in my head? We drive home. Home. I am so thankful to be home. Familiar, I feel since I go the word that I will have to travel to Anchorage, I haven't been home to relax and let it sink in and just be HOME. I spend the evening in bed. I have to, I am so mentally, emotionally TIRED!

Minto, Truly in Love

I get the call after lunch with Bill. We've already made plans to go to Minto. My appointment is for Tuesday. I call my sisters and don't get the response I am hoping for regarding my kids. I hope for them to say in North Pole and to go school. But neither of my sisters see, to (or are able to) care for them. We decide to take our kids to Anchorage with us. I let go and am determined to trust God. He'll take care of the school work/ homework, finances. All of it. As we decide this I am still angry. I call a friend of mine and express my anger. Not that I want a solution. I just want to vent I decide to over over this and to let go my my anger. We drive to Minto that afternoon/ evening. I expect to be staying in the house/ cabin I have inherited but there is no electricity, therefore no heat. Rather than be angry we stay at my aunty's. That night there is a dance and I go and hug each friend/ family member. I hug them and think of my secret and put on a smile. I am not in pain but don't like this feeling of not sharing. I listen to the old country music and am loving the moment next to my husband. We dance and I am truly in love. For my sisters, I love you and I understand now, I am not angry anymore and love you both so very much. I am so thankful God has put us together! I wouldn't have chosen any other women!

At home all day. Waiting to see when Anchorage will call Paperwork will be sent to Anchorage and the hospital there will decide if they want to see me and when. I spend the day with chores but feeling to lethargic. The antibiotics... My discomfort is not horribly bad. Just uncomfortable. Today I go through moments of sadness. I tell Bill "weepy" The kids come home, life it seems has not changed. Except for within my mind. Thoughts race and I pray for guidance. I try to keep busy to keep thoughts from racing.

My days before the diagnosis...

Just a brief snapshot into what life has been since first finding a lump in my breast. This all started out in late December 2010. Just a self discovery thing I suppose. I wasn't looking for anything and yet found something. A dr.'s appt., a mammogram, an ultrasound and a radiologist, nothing out of the ordinary, maybe fibrous. So I let it be, and looking back not a mistake, God's thoughts, plans and timelines are not mine. Then a wondering if perhaps it was getting larger? Another appt. early April. Another Ultra sound and talk of going to Anchorage to see a surgeon. The ultra sound. I wince in pain as the radiologist looks under my arm. Owie! It hurts and tears come to my eyes. It's a deep pain. Almost like an inner pain. The kind of pain that's emotional brought on by surprise. Then worry, immediate worry. I make no noise and bit my lip. I tell myself it will only last a minute more and that just when I can't handle it, it will stop and it does. I think of my husband and kids and tears flow. Owie! A rush and a thought and I'm back with the radiologist thankful that's over. His words. As he's talking, I'm desperate to remember terms and words to relay back to Bill. (Bill's an RN and will help me understand.) Possibly an infection, Mastitis. Most women show signs on the skin and won't even let the tech/ radiologist touch their breasts. I haven't nursed in a year. How is that possible? Then the radiologist said words like we need to keep in the back of our minds. Not to worry me. A type of cancer that in the ducts. Not common. I felt my mind say "calm",'smile", "be okay..." I didn't want to give a reaction.  Looking back I now see God's loving hand of mercy on me and Him creating my bubble. My bubble. HIS bubble of Love surrounding me, enveloping me, protecting me. I walked out to the waiting room hold it in, sat down told Bill let it out. I thought of my kids and Bill and my mom...I felt so tired, ready to go home. The rest of the day is errands including meeting with my doctor and it didn't seem as light as conversations before. More solemn than before. But paperwork would be sent in so I could travel to Anchorage to see the surgeon there. I honestly feel like I took a step, that we're moving in some sort of direction. (At this point I honestly didn't know if it was cancer, I was just scared of the word. My mind kept saying there's a 50 percent chance either way and either way God will bring you through it. PRAISE GOD)