My days before the diagnosis...

Just a brief snapshot into what life has been since first finding a lump in my breast. This all started out in late December 2010. Just a self discovery thing I suppose. I wasn't looking for anything and yet found something. A dr.'s appt., a mammogram, an ultrasound and a radiologist, nothing out of the ordinary, maybe fibrous. So I let it be, and looking back not a mistake, God's thoughts, plans and timelines are not mine. Then a wondering if perhaps it was getting larger? Another appt. early April. Another Ultra sound and talk of going to Anchorage to see a surgeon. The ultra sound. I wince in pain as the radiologist looks under my arm. Owie! It hurts and tears come to my eyes. It's a deep pain. Almost like an inner pain. The kind of pain that's emotional brought on by surprise. Then worry, immediate worry. I make no noise and bit my lip. I tell myself it will only last a minute more and that just when I can't handle it, it will stop and it does. I think of my husband and kids and tears flow. Owie! A rush and a thought and I'm back with the radiologist thankful that's over. His words. As he's talking, I'm desperate to remember terms and words to relay back to Bill. (Bill's an RN and will help me understand.) Possibly an infection, Mastitis. Most women show signs on the skin and won't even let the tech/ radiologist touch their breasts. I haven't nursed in a year. How is that possible? Then the radiologist said words like we need to keep in the back of our minds. Not to worry me. A type of cancer that in the ducts. Not common. I felt my mind say "calm",'smile", "be okay..." I didn't want to give a reaction.  Looking back I now see God's loving hand of mercy on me and Him creating my bubble. My bubble. HIS bubble of Love surrounding me, enveloping me, protecting me. I walked out to the waiting room hold it in, sat down told Bill let it out. I thought of my kids and Bill and my mom...I felt so tired, ready to go home. The rest of the day is errands including meeting with my doctor and it didn't seem as light as conversations before. More solemn than before. But paperwork would be sent in so I could travel to Anchorage to see the surgeon there. I honestly feel like I took a step, that we're moving in some sort of direction. (At this point I honestly didn't know if it was cancer, I was just scared of the word. My mind kept saying there's a 50 percent chance either way and either way God will bring you through it. PRAISE GOD)