12.30.13 Ups and Downs

So my last treatment was December 24, Tuesday. I'm almost a week out. It's the middle of the night. Durning my treatment weeks I sleep alot, then a little less and and litttle less until I feel pretty back to normal. Right now I'm feeling okay. Kinda glad to be awake while it is quiet and I can hear my thoughts. I go through these fazes at night as I head to sleep, do I want to sleep? Do I want to stay awake? My body is so drained. Mornings (and I know I have said this before) are the best. I have coffee, feel practically normal. My treatment plans were to end mid January. This may change. I've come to realize that and accept it. I can only do, what I can only do today. And at this moment that is to blog, maybe search the internet and enjoy this moment that I have now. I've been thinking about New Years Resolutions and for me this year, I'm going to do two things. Each month I'm going to try something new. Something that I've always wanted to and I want to give back if I can. The second thing is, I"m going to give up saying "Whatever, I don't care" instead I will replace it with, "Ok, God, I trust you. Show me what to do. I have a ton of craft projects and a few other posts to catch up on. Love you. Love me. Love you. Love me.

12.28.13~~ 15 Years of Weddded Bliss

15 years ago, we were young and wild and free. We wanted something, something in life, we were tired of looking. I personally decided to give up and let the wind take me. Bill was standing there. We now wonder how in the world two totally different people could get along and would we make it? We knew we weren't going to be a statistic. We knew we had to make it. I was madly in love. There was something in him, something that told me, He was going to keep me safe. Something told me, he was going to fight with me and for me. Something said He wouldn't give up on me. And He hasn't. There have been many times we wanted to give up, from field assignments, colicky babies, moves, finances personal struggles, the death of several of my family members and cancer. But He has been here. Not out of his own will and strength, but only by the grace of God. I hold his hand not just for strength, but to give strength. I hold his hand so we can hold each other up. I love him so much and he is truly a gift of God...

Love you, love me, love you, love me

12.10.13 Up and Downs

So for the last few weeks as I mentioned on facebook, I have had some real ups and downs. Which for this time of year, might be normal for me, but add to that the stress of chemotherapy treatments, living very far away from my sisters, brother and dad and coming up on the closing of this chapter of my life (TWO TREATMENTS LEFT!) But yesterday and even this morning I am feeling as if I am coming out of it. I feel more happier and alive then in weeks. I am living in the moment and in this day. I am seeking and finding the little everyday blessings. Starting back at the beginning to start the beginning of this new chapter. Coming out of being a cancer patient and learning a new normal. I'm not 100% physically back and I am anxious to get back to working out, cooking dinner every night, running my kids around and keeping busy, but I am also learning my normal will be new. I will come out of this different, stronger. I will learn when to be still. When to lay in the hammock of God's love, woven in the trust I have in Him. He will care for me physically, this I have learned and now I'm learning He will care for me emotionally, mentally and as a constant companion. I am blessed to have my kids and Bill as they patiently walk me through this. Love you, love me, love you, love me.

12.6.13 Blessed today

Ah, finally back to the blog!4 AM a good night's rest. Chemo on Tuesday, so today is Friday and hopes and love are high! Ah, to see what the day will become! I have friends coming to visit this weekend and this is good. I am blogging and this is good. Had a few rough weeks in there, but I'm hanging in there. Learning to overcome adversitites and challenges. It looks as though I may have2 more treatments. WOW! But I'm promising to look only at today and this moment. And right here at this moment. I am blessed!Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad. Love you, love me, love you, love me!

10.21.13~~ Autumn Visits

Ah, what a week! It started with a visit from my nephew's momma. I saw about 20 people from Fairbanks and times past. It was crazy busy! There were a few of you I wanted with all my heart to see and had planned things for us to do, but I just couldn't get there, I was wiped out.

This leads up to today and my doctor's appointment. All is going well. Blood work looks good and other than being totally run down, I'm in good spirits! Happy that the end of October is around the corner. I am not a big fan of Halloween. In fact I would rather skip it altogether. It's not a holiday to me and just plain stupid and evil. I love the autumn weather, don't get me wrong. I love the colors and the fashion of it. I love the smells and the varitiy you can add to your cooking as well. It's just that one day. Anyhow. I'm half way through the day, waiting for the kiddos to come home, and missing them. Bless you all for taking time out to read this. Post me your favorite recipe or autumn experience! I would love to hear about them! Love you, love me, love you, love me!

10.14.13 Here, Now

I'm not sure WHERE to start, or continue this blog, but wherever I do, it will be fabulous!!!

The kids are in school. Liz got a late start today. I had a rough night. Insomnia. Which is weird, cause I haven't had this side effect in some time. Went to bed a bit earlier than usual, woke up an hour or so later. Then back to bed and about 3AM just could not fully get back to sleep. I'd fall asleep and dream and then suddenly wake up. This went on for hours. And all the while I was thinking of this blog and how far behind I've been on it. Everyday I think of new things, experiences to share, here. But it gets set aside when the time comes to write.
Since the loss of my laptop (I sigh), this, blogging has been difficult. I have to come out into the living room to write and I dunno, I guess I feel somewhat exposed. Crazy, because this will be out in the open anyhow. And this blog started out for my kids, so they could see and hear in my mind what I was thinking as I go through this process, this diagnosis. I have said from the begining I want to be as open as possible with them. I want to be honest with them about as much as possible. I don't want things sugar coated, but I don't want all gloom and doom either. So that is this, here and now.

Love you, love me, love you, love me!

6.18.13 The deciding factor, to move

As I lay in bed with insomnia... errrggg! I started to think, why is it we have decided to move to Anchorage/ Mat-Su? My first thought was "welllllll..." and the list of reasons poured in Bill's job, my treatment, childcare, schooling, and on and on. And somewhere in there.."God is calling us to Anchorage." Seems kinda normal typing it out. Ah, but my first thoughts were, "Really?" I didn't hear Him call me to Anchorage. I simply said yes, when Bill first approached me about the idea several months ago. So, is it possible...That God is calling us and first calling the head of our household? Oh, absolutely. For me, this is major. I'm not in control, I'm not leading. And yet, I'm not following so later I can say "Welllll....this wasn't my idea. I didn't want this to happen". Nope. I'm okay. I'm okay with the move. I'm okay with God calling us as a family. I've actually learned something in the last 3 years about giving up control and releasing what I think, or how I think things should be done. I'm happy with how things have turned out. CRAZY, I know, right? But I am so much happier today than I was 3 years ago, 5 years ago, even 15 years ago. How do I know? How do I know I'm happier? Because I smile more, I forgive more, I let the little things go by. Oh, I still have issues. This insomnia? It's not due to lack of meds or time or whatever. Back to happiness. I love to be around people at the "Native Hospital" (ANMC, Alaska Native Medical Center). I smile soooo much more. I don't nearly yell at my kids like I used to. I find things to laugh about. I smile when things are going all wrong. There's a plan in there, not my plan or how I would plan things to go, but yes a greater plan. and I'm so OKAY with that.Take me, take us where YOU would have us to go God. So, I'm not in control, but I'm happy! I'm blessed, beyond measure. That I can live with today. And tomorrow? Let tomorrow worry about itself. Love you, love me, love you, love me...

6.5.13 Growing Up Young

Ah, my nephew's birthday yesterday. I cried. I wonder why kids have to grow. Why can't they be babies forever? Why can't we just hold them forever? I think back to even a few years ago, working at a high school, the students there were like my kids. I remember the Spring and graduation. The excitement of moving forward, growing up. And yet the air of apprehension. Parents and teachers with mixed emotions of watching "their" kids off. My mom was a big believer in not wanting kids to grow up. I remember her telling me all the time, she didn't want me to grow up. She would hold me, even as a teenager and later when I became a mom. During rough times she would put her arms around me, rock me and tell me she loved me. I felt 5 again. I didn't want to grow up. But these moments lasted just that. A moment. In the last couple of years I have missed so much that hug. During treatments, tests, recovery, flying, crying, laughing. But one thing I have learned. God has been with me,
"Do Not fear, for I have redeemed you, I have summoned you by name; you are MINE. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; And when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through fire you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze." Isaiah 43:1-2
I am so very blessed to have grown so very much! And even more blessed to continue to grow each day! Love you, love me, love you, love me.

New Beginings New Challenges 6.4.13

First let me apologize for not keeping up on this like I could have. Still struggling with putting it out there. Maybe it's because I have something important to say and I am demeaning it in my head. Which is wrong because then I am essentially robbing someone else of a blessing. Okay anyhow.
My diagnosis...No change. I am still Rhonda McAnulty patient number, dob, NO EVIDENCE of DISEASE!
Treatment: continues on Herceptin (maintenance drug) and ??? slipped my slippery brain (another maintenance drug. I will continue on these two drugs every three weeks in Anchorage until as early as November and as late as January.
Later Treatment: we'll cross that bridge
Update on previous treatment: I was on Radiation that lasted about 7-8 weeks. This ended about 4 weeks ago. The radiation caused very painful burns, itching, peeling, oozing, yeah, all the fun stuff. But I lived and am still here smiling and chatting away a storm. I still am having some of the burns itch, peel and burn, but I have a follow up next Monday :)
Now the maintenance drugs, I had an infusion yesterday and the meds caused some major itching. A minute or two later I felt a heaviness on my chest, I knew there was no pain. I remember thinking of my son and a few years ago he was given an anti-anxiety drug. As he was getting woozy he said "Mom I feel like my stomach is floating." This is now how I would describe how I felt yesterday. Except instead of floating I felt pressure or a heaviness. This is my second round with this new drug. It was scary for a minute, but I knew I was in good hands. Bill was there holding my hand. I was given antihistamines and then crashed to sleep. I started the infusion again, I had almost finished all of it the first time. Fell asleep and woke again to itching. More meds, more hand holding and more drowsiness. So as I think back I wasn't that scared. Suppressed emotion? I felt like I was going to be fine and in a few hours I would be on a plane, flying home to my kids. Oh, and hungry. I was hungry as all get up!
So today. It's according to school kids on summer break everywhere, still morning. I have had my morning coffee and devotionals. My new challenges? I have recently spoken about wanting more from my spiritual life. I start today with prayers that I may become more a willing spirit, an obedient child of God. I want what God wants for my life. Be that a wife, mother, blogger or cupcake extraordinaire!
I am so blessed to go to Anchorage every three weeks. I am so blessed to walk around the hospital passing out smiles and prayers, words of encouragement. I am so blessed that I have been given this opportunity. My prayer now is to be obedient at home as obedient as when I walk out this door. I am loved and free to love. Love you, love me, love you, love me.

PS a huge shout out to Wayne, Millie, Rona and Eric/Danny, the WONDERFUL nursing staff at ANMC Infusion room. I wish everyone could meet these wonderful people, but maybe not so much in the infusion room. Take my word for it, they ARE the creme De la creme!

5.6.13 Two Rads left, CRAP

So, after 15 minutes of searching the Internet for my blog spot... :/ Here I am. I think about this blog a lot. My excuse this time is my laptop. Kaput. Sent it off. It got lost. All of my favorite sites, etc. were on it an easily accessible. So yes a loss, but we are blessed to have a home computer, it's just a matter of sitting down and typing at the computer desk in the living room and not in the comfort of my own bed. Ah the comfort of my own bed. At times a prison, but for the most part a retreat. Then my retreat slowly turns into a prison without me even me noticing. My last entry detailed me wondering who I am, what I am doing. I am beginning to believe life is this journey of find who we are, what we are called to do. I am a Christian, I know I am called to follow Christ, but I want more. I want more than Sunday mornings and the occasional Wednesday Bible Study. I want to live out loud. I want to share my story. I want... to make a difference. It seems that a simple blog, is just that. Too simple for me. Does anyone even read this? Do I make sense? I told friends of mine once, if someone were to knock on my door hand me a plane ticket and tell me to pack up and go to Africa, I would. In a heartbeat. But if God were whispering to me, "type your story today." I fall apart. I don't have time, energy, I don't see it making a difference, I lost my laptop. I can't really think of how to put into words what's going on. (That ones just a blatant lie). So here I am. I watched a movie this morning called Mary and Martha. About two mother's who lose their son's to Malaria and their fight to gain awareness. I cried and cried. My heart is still very, very heavy as the tears begin again to form. My husband tells me I have this huge heart. I do. I have a heart for the sick, the hurting, the dying. My heart literally breaks. So now my diagnosis/ treatment update. I am currently still "No Evidence of Disease". What I and my close friends like to call NED. I have been going through Radiation Treatment for about 6 weeks. The last couple have been very difficult, for several reasons, I believe.
1. I was doing FABULOUSLY before radiation. Up around doing all kinds of things, even running. RUNNING! Baking, cooking, taking care of my family. Things I feel make me who I am. A mother, a wife, a sister and auntie.
2. I told myself I would not, WOULD NOT, let this get me down. I would not get burned or sick or tired. I was going to run my way through this.
3. (Which should probably be NUMBER 1) I lead myself to believe I was going to control radiation treatment. I was NOT going to let radiation control me.
So here I am. Been bed-bound for 2-3 weeks. Burns so severe I couldn't barely get out of bed and I attribute to nausea. My skin very red and blistery. My main burn is underneath my left armpit about the size of a softball. Red as Christmas, leaking, okay, okay too much info. Painful. Scale of 1 to 10, a 6 constantly as bad as a 9 (almost passing out). Crying during radiation (treatment has been everyday and takes about 20 minutes) and later in the evening. As a note, it doesn't hurt DURING treatment usually in the hours following. Also please be aware this is MY reaction, and everyone reacts differently. I heard some horror stories before I ever started this and the first time around (my first diagnosis)I let those stories be how I was going to go through it. This time, I would have to say has been worst, but I'm also NOT done. I have 2 YES 2 treatments left. I was given 4 days off about 2 weeks ago. Then I had another treatment last Monday and given another week off. I was to go in this morning and couldn't. I just couldn't. I called and have an appointment this afternoon. I don't feel strong. I don't know if I can do this. I want so very desperately to give in. To quit, to throw in the towel. To say "the heck with it". I want to hide in my room and cry and feel so very sorry for myself. I want to be angry at cancer and my doctors and genetics. I just want to give in. So here I am typing to myself. I'm going to do this. I know I am. Because I don't think I can stand to come back to this computer and tell the bloggesphere I quit. I don't want my kids to read this and think I am a quitter. I don't want those who are fighting with me to see me walk off the battlefield. I want other cancer survivors and those fighting addiction to know that you can do this. If I can do this, you can do this. Love you, love me, love you, love me/.

3.11.13 The official start of spring break!

My kids actually started spring break last week. Last Wednesday to be precise, but today, Monday all the other schools start. And it feels like the start, not just of Spring Break but of Spring. The weather the last couple of days has been wonderful, and today, a teeny bit gloomy.

3.9.13 Saturday, Saturday

I love Saturday mornings. I love Saturdays. I can eat my cereal and drink my coffee, cozy in my bed... The sun has been shining both outside and inside my heart. My heart soars! Soars to think of the long winter almost over and all that I have come through in the last 6 (WOW!) 6 months! I am a fighter and at this MOMENT, so very proud of what God has done, what He has allowed me to go through. What He has brought me through.

So lately, my struggle with my identity in this world continues. I was told that going through this and coming out the other side, people have then the fight of now what?? I smile. This is where I am. I am enjoying life so much more. I enjoy each smile, the sound of my kids laughter, my husband's wittiness and the sound of his breathing while he sleeps. (By the way the baby is now sleeping in her own bed!) I was baking cupcakes, before and sometimes even during this fight, and that is what has gotten me down. I tend to compare myself to others and what I can't do. I have to remind myself on a daily basis, God created me Rhonda. He didn't create two people the same, I am not so-and-so who has a thriving cupcakery in Los Angeles. I am Rhonda, I bake, I create and where God takes that, if He takes that somewhere I will go. But my job now is to listen to bake for family and friends for the love of baking! It's a journey, that's what's it's always, ALWAYS been about a journey through... LIFE! Love you, love me, love you, love me.

2.17.13 Why

There are times in my life, where I wonder why. Why this? Why me? What am I here for? What, WHAT does God want? WHAT is my purpose? I don't understand. I don't understand why I am going through this crap. I don't understand who is benefiting from this crap. Lately, I've been down most of the winter. From chemo sick, fear of the flu, back issues, stomach issues, medication issues. My scripture this lasts two weeks has been "Be Still and know that I am God". God wants me still. For those that have known me since before my diagnosis, I am BUSY. I DO. I move constantly. I am cleaning or cooking or taking care of my family. I enjoyed being a Girl Scout Leader, a parent driver for field trips. I would go to Al-Anon meetings, mom's groups. I lead a Woman's Bible Study. I enjoyed going to prayer meetings. I enjoyed going to kids basketball and my husband's basketball games. I would randomly visit my sisters and bring them coffee. I cooked huge meals. I planned family gatherings. So to be here, in bed, or on the couch, I am bummed. At this point even moments out I'm not enjoying. I'm afraid of enjoying them only to have them snatched away.  I worry about my kids. I hate for them to see me in bed. I hate for them to worry. Everyday my 11 year old daughter comes home, "Mom, how are you today? Are you okay? Does your back hurt?" My heart hurts. I don't want her to worry. She's still a kid. My 4 year old worries about kicking me in her sleep because then I will have to go back to Anchorage. She believes her kicking me gave me cancer. My 13 year old, when he hugs me pats my back and will occasionally will rub it. I am suppose to be pat and rub his back. I know one of my sacrifices is to give my worry of my kids over to God. I share this, I share my heart with you so that you my friends will know how to pray for me. Pray for my kids and that I will have the strength to be honest with them and not to worry about them. I am reminded right now, This is my low point. I can't look ahead, I can't look back. I can only say this is how I feel now. It won't be this way forever. This is LENT, I am traveling the way of the cross, but it's not for me. It's not for my Glory. Easter will come soon, EASTER and the promise of resurrection and renewal. My prayer is that I am renewed and in order to be new I must shed the old... Love you, love me, love you, love me.

2.8.13 Friday and updates

Wow, it has been a bit of awhile since updating this! I know I have readers that follow me and I apologize for not keeping all of you in the loop. My blog has been a bit of a challenge for me. Writing ups and downs is almost like reliving them for me and it takes so much energy. I gain so much from it, I get to get things out of my heart and mind and let them go, but working up the nerve just takes so much energy! Again, sorry. But here is more details. I will also post updates on the blog as well (I'm still writing in my journal, just not on this blog).

Originally I was on 3 chemo drugs, these were to KILL the cancer. I was told when I started these drugs I would be on them for 4-6 rounds. I was also told I would have radiation on my left side, this would be after I completed my chemo drugs. These cancer killing drugs were really rough on my body. Vomit, loss of appetite, no taste buds, sleeping and or in bed for almost the entire 2 weeks before I would have to travel to Anchorage for another round. January 3rd I had my 5th round.

Note: My schedule goes like this usually: Travel to Anchorage spend the night in Q house (housing for patients) next day Blood draw and Dr. appointment. Another night in Q house. Then the following day chemo in the infusion room. This procedure is to ensure I am there and physically ready for the chemo. The drugs have to be mixed, but they want to make sure before they prepare them that I am ready.

January 15 I went in for my blood draw, CT scan and Doctor's appointment. My CT scan CAME OUT CLEAR! This means as of this day I am Cancer FREE! I am in REMISSION!

January 16 Infusion and as the nurses were setting me up, I was told I was done with the cancer killing chemo. I was so EXCITED!! Now I would start on two new chemo drugs. These are maintenance drugs to keep the cancer from coming back! The also are way less intrusive, no vomiting, no harsh side effects other than aching joints. The first drug Herceptin, I will still have to travel to Anchorage as it is an infusion drug (done by IV). The second drug Lapatnib is a medication I will take daily in pill form. This also helps in keeping cancer from growing/ spreading. Because I have had cancer twice, I will have to take maintenance drugs for my body, I am in remission and so very happy! My doctor's in Anchorage set up an appointment for me to see the radiology and start radiation.

January 30:Radiologist appointment- Fairbanks. Upon examination the doctor notices I have a knot in my chest. My lymph nodes are tender and I have fluid built up under my arm and behind my mastectomy scar. He calls in the Oncologist. They agree I should have a CT scan. The scan is done that evening. The next 18 hours are a lot of deep breathing and prayers.

January 31: My results come back, ALL CLEAR! NO CANCER! whew! I still have excess fluid built up and my radiologist would like to have it removed before I start radiation.

February 4: Early flight to Anchorage fluid removed.

February 5: Blood draw and Dr. Appointment I ask about the drugs I am on and how long can I expect to be on them. The Dr. doesn't know. It is a wait and see. I am not disappointed. It is what it is. I know several other people who will be on medication for the rest of their lives, and I can do this. I believe this is all for a reason, and I will live out that reason, feeling blessed!

February 6th: Infusion and fly home that evening. Blessed to be home with my hubby, kids, and brother!

February 7: Recuperating from Anchorage and this last week. God is good.

and today...I am feeling so very blessed to be here, to be typing to have my kids home with me. For a husband that supports me and for family and friends who care so very much! My hair is slowing coming back and I can faintly see eyelashes starting to come in :) I threw my back out yesterday, and today I am bed bound, I know it is a little message that I need to slow it down. Not try and take on the whole world all at once. Day by day, moment by moment...
Love you, love me, love you, love me

1.20.13 In Good times and Bad

So it's been very difficult to put into words my feelings lately. On bad days, I'm scared they won't end, on good days, I'm scared they will end. Lately, I've been having good days. Crappy chemo over, YES! CT scan clear, YES!
Today I was reminded of a time right after I was diagnosed this second time. I was having a rough night. A hot flash, night sweats. I was in the middle of sleep. I raised my hands, praise. Praise. Praise. Then, fell back asleep. Today driving to my sisters I was listening to music, feeling, WONDERFUL, Praise. Praise, praise. This is what it is like to worship God through the good and the bad. To be content in all things. I am so blessed! Love you, love me, love you, love me!

1.4.13 ?

Not sure what to call this post. Spent most of the day, nearly all of today in bed, sleeping or just laying here. It's difficult at times. But I am determined to live however God has enabled me to. There is a scripture that says "Be Still". So today that is what I have done. I have a confession. I haven't gone to church in months. That is one of my New Years Resolutions to get back into church. But for today, I will live one day at a time...

1.3.13 Round 5 of 6 Getting Real

Time to get back to being real. I haven't posted in a month. Scared of feeling, scared of falling. I want so badly to avoid the negative I don't allow myself to feel it and let it out. But I can't go backward, I can only let go. It was rough. I didn't want to finish. I wanted to give up, and I kept quiet, but no more. I made it! I made it from reading posts, looking a pictures, planning times and Christmas, and I made it with God's help an it was GLORIOUS! Today. I got home from Anchorage, my aunty and uncle picked me up from the airport what a blessing to spend time with them! I slept off and on and I usually do the day after chemo. I feels good to sleep during the day. Eliza climbed in bed with me before I napped. The older ones let me hug and hold them as long as I wanted. The cat ate tuna from me, my hubby checked in on me and my daddy asked how I was doing. I can have a crappy day or month, acknowledge it, let it go and find something positive. BLESSED at the end. BLESSED!