12.27.14 Aches, Pains and Just plain complaints!

Two days after Christmas. What a wonderful Christmas it was! Family, my brother and dad and all the kids! It was a blessing for sure! I was dead tired, but managed to finished up the cooking with the teenagers help.
Dinner surpassed even my expectation! Candle-light with Prime Rib! It was delightful, although I had heard the entire "Elf" movie re-enacted for the 2nd or 3rd time, I reminded myself in a year or two I would want to hear it over and over and hear the laughing!
It is now two days later and my body is so tired of being in bed. My joints ache to the strongest. Pain shoots in and out of joints. I'm never quiet sure where it will start. the last 24 hours it has been my hips. I wince in pain and wish for tears to fall, but it's not that kind of pain. More of a quick ache, sometimes and lately in my right elbow it stays, until I can handle the pain no longer and only wish I can cut it off. Usually a moment or two after that the pain subsides. It has been 3 weeks since my last pain pill. I just cannot take them anymore. After a year of taking them, my body, MY MIND says no more. I want a clear mind and will not let them control me. I am looking for more homeopathic remedies. Please keep me in your prayers.
My other complaints are just that, added on complaints. Usually when I get this way I can find no good in anything or anyone. I have to learn to no trust what I feel, but what I know to be true during these times. I learn to count my blessings. You, my kids are one of them. I am so blessed to have W. O. and E. here in my life. And for Bill and his patience. Through or\ur martial struggles, we find strength in each other. The romance is still there and still in bloom. I love you my love, with an everlasting love....


Love you, love me,love you, love me

12.21.14~~ Fighting

I had a whole theme going earlier. I had it all typed out in my mind. I knew exactly what I was going to say, then I got sucked into Pinterest and the rest is history.

So something I don't talk much about, would be about finances. But this is an area in which I have been learning to deal with pretty much all my life. Now combine finances with control and always wanting to control it. Now throw in a marriage and a little thing we call a mortgage and kids and WOW! (Not to mention that whole cancer thing) So reflecting back to my last post, my job is to fight cancer. Part of fighting cancer is to think positively. To be positive to not get down on myself or others. This is TOTALLY a marathon, because at first you know, I was all gung ho. I mean I was ready. I put on the running shoes, laced them up and started I was smiling waving at all my cheerleaders. (Fists-pumping-ready) Now I'm like okay, now what? Now where? Now who? I'm actually kinda walk/ running looking around. I start to pick up other "jobs", maybe before I'm suppose to or not at all. I try and take on finances or volunteer work or whatever and it starts to stress me out. Do you see this pattern?

Do you struggle with something like this? You WANT, no NEED to have control of something, but its not you that is controlling the situation, it's the situation controlling you.
    You need to be in control of your children's education so you start to work at the school and then THIS starts to stress you, the kids, the teacher out and their education declines...
    Maybe you have an addiction? You go to IT to control your inability to cope, and the more you go to it the less your ability TO cope. I like the nail biting illustration. I used to and still sometimes do, bite my nails. I got nervous, especially around people so I bite my nails to do something with my hands so people would see me DOING something. But then wow, they started to look crazy gross and I LOOKED crazy. Now I was drawing unwanted attention to myself.
    And what if it's not going your way? So you can't work at your kids school so you pull them out and try controlling the situation another way. What if, what if... it's not your job to control in a worrisome manner? Of course as parents we are to guide our children, but ultimately we are RAISING adults. We are showing them we care and we are giving them responsibility to FLY! I'm not saying don't work at your kids school or neglect them all together, you will know if it's what you should be doing.
    Making a mistake, so what if I screw up and fall while I'm trying to control everything? GET UP. LOOK AROUND. Maybe you are being put in a time of waiting and trusting. Maybe you're to stay in that spot until circumstances change, maybe you will have to turn or maybe you will have to walk this mistake out. But learn from it, and move when the time is right.

I guess my little lesson for myself comes from a few friends I know that are going through some trying times (and actually some friends who are not). As I type this it is Sunday, grocery day, I am not able to shop today, I had to give that piece of control up, but I'm okay with it. In fact I am thinking about the positive in it. I am releasing control of those things that I cannot control and trusting in my God. It will work out. Christmas dinner, Christmas gifts and traveling. Family, it will all work out because I'm letting go and I'm HAPPY to do so. Okay...

Love you, love me, Love you, love me...!

12.14.14 Should I Relieve for Shoulder relief?

So as time would have it, I have time today. Saturdays and Sundays are so relaxing for me, or really should be???
   The other night was a doozy for me. Alot of pain physically. I chatted with a friend the other day and learned something new.
   I tend to carry a lot of stress about everyday things, kids, the house, finances, relationships. When I was going through the chemo that had tons of side effects and made me extremely ill, it was decided that my job in the family was to fight cancer. ONLY fight cancer. Now that I am on a chemotherapy that allows me to do more, we as a family and I as a person am finding WHAT I can handle, WHAT my job is. It varies from day to day. Some days, I feel like I can take on the world. Other days I wonder if I can get a load of laundry done. I also am figuring out not just how much I can do physically, but mentally and emotionally. Am I just being lazy? Am I sad or upset? Why? Should I be reaching out at this point for my mental and emotional needs? Who can I reach out to without over stressing them out?
    As a side note this is partly, just who I am. I am a thinker and like to figure stuff out. I would say I am a jumper too. Just do it and get it over with! This circumstance isn't really a get it over with thing.     I've got a long road ahead of me, I want to kind of make sure I'm packed with the right equipment. I also would like to know who's traveling with me for support and those who I'm dragging along, cause I think I need their support.
     To ease up on my stress, I like to get it all out there. Most of the time Bill and the kids are the closest ones so I unload on them. :( But as of this last week, I am learning I need to have outlets for my stress, for my recovery. I need to be able to look around and see who I can trust.
    Trust is a big thing for me as well. I once had someone tell me that they would do whatever needed to be done, to call them for WHATEVER. So I called, and they couldn't. At the time I needed a ride, but now I realize it wasn't about the ride. It was about needing someone, some to talk to. It would've taken them way out of their way. This gives me the opportunity to forgive them, and try and trust again.
    There are people that I am just having the hardest time with, I believe I am having a hard time trusting their genuineness, ahhh,
    This now asks the question, "What if someone wants to be friends with you, but you just aren't able to provide them with the attention they need.  You aren't able to give? Shouldn't we ALL be giving ALL the time? What if someone just BEGS to be your friend? To be in on the know? Ah, all of life's questions cannot be answered in one swoop.
 I love this blog, because it gives me the chance to unload without hearing the whining and complaining of those who are unable to take this on. Also I would hope to think, if this blog's not for you, don't read it. I know it's working for me.
   Also note to self, when you start blogging in the middle of the day, you find yourself sucked in for the rest of the day, whereas when you start to blog at night, you only have a few minutes then you have to sleep. (but you're not boring...) :) Love you, love me, love you, love me!!

12.11.14 Fighter

I wish I could be the huge fighter I sometimes am, but not tonight. I made it to Elizabeth and T's Christmas Program. So blessed. I was on this emotional high. I did it, I kicked cancer's ass tonight. I laughed in it's face! I was also sick, fighting bouts of diarrhea. Yes, that's what I said. Side effect of the treatment. So I don't eat and sleep pretty much all day, cause it's all I CAN do, then, this.
I am so f-ing mad at cancer. I don't care that I'm swearing, words need to be said. I have to said this. I have to scream, this, this crap has taken so much from me. It takes my breath away at times. It takes my beautiful smile and kind words. It takes my ability to be strong, to be a kind person, mom, wife. I hate it. It has taken my friend's husband and she cries and I can't make her pain stop. It has taken so much and left me with a huge lump in my throat. I want to scream, I want...
    When I feel raw emotion like this, my first thought is, "I want to go home. I want my mom." Then I have to remind myself, I am home. I am the mom. I have to be strong for the kids, for Bill.I can only handle this for so long,and then I am stressed out to the max. This happens in literally a matter of minutes. Then I appear crazed. Ha.
   I saw the Ear, Nose and Throat doctor the other day. They saw a "spot" on my lymph node. Don't know what is. Ha. I also have had a build up of fluid under my incision that has been bothering me. This was drained and tested. It came back clear, all good, no cancer. Within 24 hours it filled again with fluid. I hate it. To top matters or add to them or whatever, I have a cavity. It hurts. I hate pain medicine. I am so terrified of getting addicted. It works great for the pain, but not so much later on, and we all know, unless you take care of the cavity, the pain will just come back, so HA. This has been my complaint form. Take it or leave it, I can guarantee I will be back and probably not as grouchy next time.

12.6.14 Blog worthy

What a day... what a day. I used to wonder why people would get so depressed during the Holidays. More and more it's become what I want, what I DON'T have, so now I'm depressed. I refuse to allow myself to get sucked up into this. I'm going to be REMINDED of what I have and that all of it is a gift. From those who love me to the ability to write, read, see, move... I AM blessed. It's just a matter of seeing it, through those BLESSED eyes. If you struggle with depression as I do, call out to someone, talk and tell them. Let them tell you they love you and count it as one of your BLESSINGS!  It is late and I really have to go. I promised I would give you all an update on the ENT visit, and I will. I love you all. Love you, love me, love you, love me.

12.2.14 Dad Daughter Lunch Date

I like it when I go in to see my doc and he says, no change, unremarkable, normal (whatever THAT is). Ah, today treatment. Boo and yay. Boo to the drugs, yay for my husband and his co-workers! Today I was sent to the Ear Nose and Throat, more on that later this week...

But for the title, if you have a daughter be 4 or 40, take her out to lunch, she will LOVE it, I promise. My dad sat for me the waiting rooms for my appointments and took me to lunch, oh and he babysat Tree Bear. (who btw; is scared to death whenever my dad says, "Rhonda's going bye-bye"). Short update today, more tomorrow! Be loved my friends, by loving each other! Love you, love me, Love you, love me!

12.1.14 Pause for...

So as I go through my day, I wonder if I will be blogging that night or if the television, a book or something else will matter more. As I wander through the day I live moments and wonder if they are blog worthy. Most are not. Some of them are just plain dumb, or too sensitive or too personal? This is one of them. As I head off to sleep tonight, the thought of getting older hits me. I skipped my treatment the week before last, actually I rescheduled it, then again last week. So tomorrow I HAVE to go, I mean, I can't put this off forever, "No other options." as my husband would say. So sleep somewhat eludes me tonight, mainly because this thought keeps bothering me and that means someone out there needs to hear this. And I'm here for you. Tonight.
     I turned 40 in June, but last year, I had an oopherectomy (pronounced ooof-air-ect-tomy). basically they took my ovaries out. My mom had ovarian cancer, so this was a precaution. It was a good thing they did, because they ended up finding cancer cells on my ovaries. So with that it threw me into menopause. Pause... with that came a series of side effects. I won't list all of them. What hit me right away were the hot flashes and night sweats. No words to describe these. Just imagine going hot all of a sudden or waking up in a pool of sweat, not fun, but beats cancer ANY day. AND the MOOD SWINGS... just going from perfectly normal to perfectly abnormal. Like rage to tears of utter and complete sadness to tears of joy and laughter, for NO apparent reason. These are not me, I know this because afterwards I'm like WHO was THAT person. And that bring me to today. Actually the last couple of days. When I was younger, (ah- younger) I would have moments like these and now I wonder if part of my body hasn't caught up to the fact that I am no longer producing these hormones, and it just throws itself into a hissy fit, like clockwork. So Thanksgiving, so much stress for me, and I bring it to myself, worrying about all kinds of stuff. Then as the days slip by away from Thanksgiving I feel a sense of grief and shame for my actions and attitudes. So on the verge of tears, I fell asleep last night. And tonight, if I don't type all this out, before treatment tomorrow, I will take it with me and I just can't do that. Too much embarrassment, shame, guilt, whatever, and I CANNOT go into treatment like that. I told myself I would not fight this fight with negativity and I won't. I will hold my head high and walk in there determined.
     I also have thought about the other things associated with menopause, mainly, childbearing. So from here on out, no more babies for me, at least none that I will carry. With several friends, some very close friends and family who are pregnant I am a little sad about not being able to be pregnant again. Not that it was ever PLANNED to have more, just the finality of it all I guess. I know, I KNOW I was created to be a mom and I am. As for more a mom of more than the three I have? I don't know, but I am reminded that I am an aunty and will be again soon! I am so happy for that! It just stuff I guess I need to learn to come to terms with. I am a 40 year old who at times feels 60, but I have to remind myself that I am 40 (who sometimes looks 30-something). I am STILL young, I still have years left to love my three kiddos and endless nieces and nephews. I can still see and hear and walk and talk. I can shout at basketball, volleyball and soccer games, and if you look close enough, you can see a twinkle in my eye that says, "NED-- No Evidence of Disease". Love you, love me, love you, love me.

11.17.14 Duh, duh, duh, duh

I think so very often to this blog. I wonder, what shall I write today? Should I get on there now? Do I post enough? Do I post too much? Is my story getting out there? Should I go all the way with it and get it published? Should I just keep writing as if writing to friends and family? Then I end up not blogging. I over-think it. WAY over-think it. Artistic people will do that. I will do that, if given the chance. I will over-think it and end up not doing it. But once I start typing, it's all good. Lately I have several thoughts that enter and re-enter my mind. 1. Who have I impacted today? 2. When am I going to start this Bakery? 3. Artistic creativity

I feel like I'm entering a new chapter in my life. How can I stretch my creativity today to start my business and impact someone today. I love baking. I love being in the kitchen. I heard a quote the other day, "If you are passionate about what you are doing you will never work a day in your life." When I am in my kitchen, when my hands start to create something to put into the oven, I become passionate. My heart soars! Another thing I heard, endorphins are the hormone that produce a positive reaction in the body. (Sidenote: They also create a chemical reaction that reduce your perception of pain!) I am thinking of my bakery daily and I think I would spend the entire day in the kitchen baking, were it not for the fact that we would end up with tons and tons of baked goods! :) Which couldn't be a bad thing entirely... Well, I'll keep you posted....


Love you, love me, love you, love me.

10.19.14 Tree Bear

Ah, hello friends and family. I have noticed, if I share something big on here, it takes me awhile to overcome it and move on. I let it go here, but am a bit afraid to come back, I don't know why. Probably the go is the hardest part. Stuff has just become such a part of my everyday life. On October 11th, I celebrated my NED-day. My 2 NED. 2 years, no evidence of disease. A good thing. A great thing actually. I'm still on the up and up. We added a new family member, "Tree Bear". He's an 11 year old toy poodle. Super cute, friendly and loves to follow me around. I call him my care dog. It really helps to have a companion during the day. I smile as I type this! Well Liz is here and asking, so I'll see if I can get back at this tonight. Lots of love. Love you, love me, Love you, love me....

9.6.14 New Day, Saturday

So, it's still kind of morning. The sun is shining bright. I am inspired to bake on this beautiful fall day. One of my missions today. So I haven't yet told my facebook family, my family/family already knows. I have been waiting to tell and in some ways the more I put it off the less I want to share. I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me I guess. I see this differently. I am not broken down because of this. I am in fact built up a little. So here goes.

I saw my doctor about 5 weeks ago. I have continued to see him every 3 weeks. He decided a few weeks ago to put me back on the drug Herceptin (medical name, Trasuzumab). It is a maintenance drug or a drug that block the receptor which feeds? the cancer. I am also on an oral drug called Lapatinib (have been for some time). This drug works with Herceptin. I sometimes like to think that if someone were to ever try and steal my meds I would tell them, ah, hey, that's chemo. HAHAHA. The cancer has not (and WILL not) come back. Because I WAS staged at stage IV, I will live with the cancer tag. But I will continue to say, continue to believe that the cancer is beat. I am still NED (No Evidence of Disease), and personally, I kinda like that. Yeah, I'm pretty happy with NED. I don't have any side effects with this one. I keep my hair, I can wear my contacts. And actually I'm doing really good energy-wise. I am cooking dinner, baking, laundry, sleeping and dreaming. (I actually dreamed about laundry last night).

I dreamed about my mom and dad too. We were all together. My mom doesn't talk in my dreams anymore. But I can hear her voice, mainly I still hear her say, "Rhonda..." and I can hear her laughing with my daughter Olivia. Olivia gave her so much joy! Today I will bake. I will bake and think of her, and my sisters! Ah bliss for the plans for today!


Love you. Love me. Love you. Love me.


PS. The following is a link about Breast Cancer, I'm not saying believe it, but I enjoy the pictures of the drugs. They are easy for me to see how the drugs help.


http://www.kddf.org/bbs/bbs.asp?IDX=629&cateId=39&mode=view&p=1

9.5.14 Mission

Insert Mission Impossible theme here...

You mission, Rhonda McAnulty, if you choose...

Yes! YES! I will go where you want. I will do what you ask. I will praise you with my whole heart, with my life. WHATEVER you ask God.

"UMM, wait, uhh, I wasn't planning on THIS, God. I was thinking more like a paid trip around the world or to become famous or to save LIVES!"

So my thoughts so very long ago. Today, today I kept thinking about my mission [field]. Where am I suppose to go, what am I suppose to do? Who will I impact today?? And so, it was a pretty eventful day, except for a wonderful date day with my husband and volunteering at my daughter's 1st grade class. :) This was incredible! I got to see little minds working and, and. I was touched. I heard a testimony. I am inspired. I read a blog, a man whose wife had breast cancer. HIS journey. Also incredible, and still I wondered about my mission! 

Laundry? Dishes? Dinner? Kids? Carpool?

My son a week or so ago, told me about a paper he had to write, who his hero/s are. He said my mom cause she fought cancer 3 times and won. And my dad, cause he takes me fishing and likes to spend time with me and talk.

I am a hero? I AM A HERO!

I told him, "Son, you are the hero. I don't know many 14 year olds who go through what you've been through. It wasn't just me who fought cancer. It was you, Olivia and Elizabeth who fought with me."

"Yeah, but we didn't help much around the house" his answer was. "What? You didn't have to. You're suppose to be a kid. You're suppose to enjoy this part of your life! He smiles. He smiles that smile that is his father's. The smile I fell in love with. Wow, what a mission!

Now, as I sit here, my mission is...all of the above. My mission, my mission is my kids and one day they will travel the world or become famous or save LIVES or just be. Just be. A listener. A talker. A reader. A writer. A mom. A dad. A survivor. A hero. (Wait they already are!)

Love you, love me, love you, love me!

My home, my mission field!

8.27.14 Dreams

We all have them or had them at one point. We can't let go of them. My dream lately is to follow the will of God. To be a blessing to someone else. To do the job I am called to do. Somedays, my only job is to care for my family. Recently, I have had thoughts about going back to work~~ but I know where I am called. Sometimes I feel as though I have made no impact on anyone, but it's those days, I know I have made an impact on my children, husband and that God is preparing me. I used to say that if someone knocked on my door and told me to pack my things that I was going to Africa to be a missionary, I would do it in a heartbeat. I had a friend ask me once, "What if someone knocked on your door and asked you to give the simplest of things." I could take that one step further, what if someone knocked on my door and told me to stay home and prayer, constantly for a day, a week, a month, a year? Would I be WILLING to? Funny. I couldn't say I would 10 years ago, maybe even 5 years ago. But I can say I've been there. Homebound and the only thing I could give is my prayers. I am blessed. I can say, I am blessed to do either.

Ummm. I also have this dream of a bakery... someday. I will, I will bake and bake and bake and never run out of flour, sugar, eggs, milk and CHOCOLATE!

Love you, love me, love you, love me.

Drop biscuits!

8.26.14 Trials and Above

So. So. So. I guess with this title you can pretty much go anywhere. I am coming out from behind a very, very, very dark curtain. I spent some time in my past. I let my emotions get the best of me. I let others vent to me all of my wrongs. But, I let it all go. I forgave and will not go back to that place. I know when I am going through something very difficult--that something very beautiful will come of it, if I let go. If I let the emotions flow, and then let it all go. By this I mean, when the thoughts or emotions come back to be angry or sad or lonesome--I remind myself that I let it out and I let it go. I have been there and have no reason to go back. Going back will only hinder my process of moving forward.

I have yet to share with my internet family and friends, I am back in treatment. I am still NO EVIDENCE of DISEASE. I continue CT/CAT scans, PET scans, blood draws, doctor visits and oral chemotherapy (preventative measures). But now my doctor has ordered me back to the infusion room every 3 weeks for a drug called Herceptin. Another preventative drug. Hmmm. How do I feel? Honored. Blessed. Because those who see with only natural eyes wonder why the cancer hasn't come back. I choose to see in the spiritual relm that I am healed and that this cancer won't come back. *smile* So I am blessed to take more infusions and oral chemotherapy to show, to prove how strong God is and how He is using me. I am blessed. So very blessed. Love you, love me, love you, love me!

8.13.14 Perfect

First all, I have something to say. I don't want to take the spotlight off of my wonderful husband, I love you, my love. I want to be a better wife, I want to be awesome for you, because you, you are my more than I could ask for or possibly imagine. You are my gift from God above. I love you and Happy Birthday.

I'm not perfect. I am not even close. I would be quick to say I don't deserve half of what I have been given, but God has forgiven me and given to me, so then I am worth it, He MADE me worth it. There are times when I find it so very hard to forgive myself. I think back to times when I went so wrong, with my words, my actions, my everything. But if I stay too long in the past, I start to believe that's who I am today. I AM NOT. Let me say that again. I AM NOT WHO I WAS IN THE PAST. I am not who I was yesterday. Yesterday green was my favorite color, today orange. I liked hummus yesterday, today I don't. Yesterday I yelled at my kids, today I didn't. I am ever, EVER growing, changing into a new creature, the old is past away. Like an coat filled with holes and rips, I threw it off, I put on something new. I don't see the fine threads coming loose, because this one feels, looks, smells so new to me. And then I put my hand in the pocket or I hear a tear, now I have the option of throwing that one off or letting the rips, tears, holes get bigger. Once in awhile someone will say "hey the girl with the torn-to-shreds coat". I say "Yeah that was me." Sometimes I think, because I wore that coat so long that I am still wearing it. It's then I reply, "Crap, I look terrible. I act terrible. I am terrible???" I walk back to places that I wore that old coat. I sing lonesome songs, I cry bitter tears, tears that I ONCE cried. Sometimes I need a friend to shake me, a sister to hold me, remind me of who I AM. Today, I am a mom who took her kids out for pizza for the only reason that today was their last day of summer. Then we went for ice-cream. Today I was a mom, a great mom. Today I got my husband a birthday cake and ice-cream, today I was a great wife. Today I shared with my sister and cried to my dad. Today I was a great sister and daughter. Today and this moment I am a beautiful, STRONG woman. I am a woman of God and no old coats can tell me I'm not. Worn-out garments cannot tell me that I am not worth anything just because I'm not perfect. I'm glad I'm not perfect, because that means I have more to learn, more to hear, to speak, to become. I will end with this...
A friend told me once you have to constantly be moving forward, if you stop don't stay in that place too long because then you will start to go backward. Keep moving forward.
Today, tonight I move forward...
Love you, love me, love you, love me.

Imperfect me!

8.1.14 BFF struggles?

A new day, a new month! YES! So grocery shopping today, which meant a trip into Anchorage. Keeping it real, I was wore out. But now it's late and time to go to bed so I am a bit more energized and awake.

I am missing my dad and brother tonight, maybe it's cause we grilled, maybe cause it's the weekend and I know I enjoy visiting with them and Bill. If they are reading, please know I miss, love and am praying for you guys!

Well more to post tomorrow. I also want to send a shout-out HAPPY BIRTHDAY to M.H. and LD, two of my bff's in another time. So with this I have a confession, I'm not the bestest of best friends. I lack in this area. I have lately been wondering if I am difficult to love to, or be close to. I take things very literally sometimes. I push people away. I become withdrawn, hard to reach. I am working through this, I am in the process. A few people have broken though with me and tomorrow and Sunday are the birthdays of two of these woman. I believe I suffered alot of lost friendships growing up. Not ANYONE's fault. There was a plan there, I met each of you when I was suppose to and love each of you. Actually thinking about it, I guess there were more than a few people have broke through to me, but I have noticed the older I get. Okay time to stop, I feel like I am feeling sorry for myself. I have more friends than I can count, I have been blessed beyond measure. I wish, I wish I could name you, those I am thinking of, I have been blessed by each of you.

Love you, Love me, Love you, Love me....

7.31.14 Exhausted.

So many, so many thoughts. I am so thankful though for so many things. I have found a secret. It's my secret to when I feel negitive or tired or down or lazy. I guess all of those things are negitive, except. Nevermind. Back to the secret. When tired or negative I just think of something to be thankful for. (The Glad game, from the movie Pollyanna) Tonight I am very tired, but it has been on my mind to get back to this blog. Get back on the horse. By the way, on my bucket list is to go horseback riding again. I am ready now, if you have a horse and would like me to give her/him some exercise... Just sayin'. Oh, back to tired, see what I mean?? Thankful I mean, back to thankful. Tonight I will close my eyes, thankful for a website called "Believe Big". A cancer website, but this one I was drawn to, most of them I. Well lets say I don't usually search them out. I don't like many cancer books, articles, reading material. But this one...whoa! I'm reading up on "natural/ nature made" medicines. Tonight Mistletoe. I know right? The stuff at Christmas time, wha??? I want to try something herbal, natural. I want to be free from pills and potions. More on this later. I am tired. I love each of you, and please, PLEASE get on my case if I don't post on here at least once a week!!! In closing, a cute video that made me laugh out loud and love you, love me, love you, love me.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-m-vVKHideI

6.18.14~~ A Rant

So very late. Within a few minutes, I can tell within a few minutes if I will have a sound sleeply.


Update on this... I must've fell asleep during this...lol

6.10.14~~ The Accident

So I witnessed an accident today. Actually a lot happened today.
We're still moving stuff. Mainly odds and ends, books, papers, everything in the refrigerator and freezer. hahaha. Liz and I made the trip into Anchorage.
I woke up especially early today. The cable man is set to come out and I didn't want to miss him. Ah, how I wish TV wasn't such a big thing around here, but it is, for now. I had a small list I texted Bill of things I wanted to get done. Several letters that has to be mailed and as I was making the drive this morning/ afternoon, I was behind a bread truck and realized I had wanted to stop at the bread store. I think I made it right at a drop off. There were boxes and boxes of all kinds of bread, chips, all kinds. Everything was like 1.50, crazy good!
Then to the post office, again, no line, no waiting really.
To the townhouse. I had to pickup the paperwork for the post office here in Wasilla. I loaded up the van. As I was packing the fridge, which I hadn't planned on doing, but I really didn't want to go grocery shopping with all the groceries we had in the fridge and freezer. A tub of gravy fell out and onto the floor. My first thought and I actually said "Really? Now?" Then I had the immediate thought, maybe this was planned. So I happily cleaned up and finished packing the van. I got in and headed out. I knew I was going to take the highway to the new Natural Pantry store to check it out. I got behind a truck, which made an abrupt stop. I waited to get out on the highway. After a few moments I noticed there was a van in front of the truck with a badly crushed in tailgate/ bumper. Then I saw the driver of the truck get out and on the phone. No one from the van was getting out. Uh-oh, accident. Do I pass? (By this time at least 6 vehicles had passed) What do I do? I actually thought back to those videos they make you watch in First Aid Class. Move to safety. I pulled around in front of the van. I instructed Liz to sit. I walked back to the van, the driver's window was partially down. But I noticed the driver was in the back with several passengers. "Is everyone okay?" Yeah, yes, I think so yeah. Can you do me a favor and open my door, do you see my phone?" There it was on the floor. I handed it to him. A woman was upset in the back and the passenger was an elderly man. I walked over to the passenger side door.
"Sir, are you okay?" He was in a wheelchair, his arm was twisted behind him and wedged between the wheel of the chair and the chair. "Sir, are you okay." His eyes were glazed and pupils dilated. Oh, man. Oh, do I move him? He said something about his leg and I noticed 2 pieces of glass on his face. "Sir, you have glass on your face, I'm going to just brush it off." I could see it was just laying on top of his skin. His eyes seem to brighten.
"Thank you".
"Oh, it's okay. Look, I'm going to touch your hand, please tell me if it hurts."
"My leg".
"The police are coming sir," I slowly touched his hand and could see his arm wasn't twisted too bad and easily removed his hand from the wedged area. He looked relieved. The woman in the back was calming down. Pray. Pray. Pray. I kept hearing this from the time I stopped.
The police came. She took my driver's licence. The drivers were both off the phones by now. Do you mind if I pray I asked the driver and passengers?
"No, go ahead".
I prayed. Oh, my heart was hurt, but it was like I was back in the Peace bubble. I got my licence back and told everyone I had to get going. The ambulance was there and I didn't want to be in the way. As I drove away the impact of what I saw and my reaction caught up to me. I called Bill. I told him everything. I realized, had that gravy not spilled, had this, had that happened or not happened... I prayed again. Thank you God, Thank you that everyone seemed okay. I feel blessed that... you know have you ever wondered if you make a difference in other's lives. I mean besides family and friends, am I helping someone else out? After thinking of all this, I just want to encourage EVERYONE, if you see something that doesn't seem right on the highway or roadways. Please stop. It could be that YOU make the difference. I'm not telling all of this for ANY pride/ praise, I'm telling you this so that YOU can make a difference, whatever you CALLED to do, there's always opportunity to help others. Love you. Love me. Love you. Love me.

6.3.14 Oh Happy Day!

The McAnulty's!

WE GOT THE HOUSE! As I type, Bill and William (Billy) are making trips with some of our furniture! Blessed for my bro-in-charge, I mean in-law and beautiful sister C for the couches! I can't wait to curl up in the chair and read my book! I wish I could savor this very moment as much as I had craved in the past for time to MOVE on... My kids will finally have their own rooms, I will have my own bathroom and ahh, i am just so excited! So the packing begun last night (actually over a week or so ago), I didn't say anything, I didn't want the realtor to find out :/ . I'm not superstious, so my thinking was if we move, we move, if we don't, we don't. I am so very excited to pack and to find what our new mission field will look like! In other words, what kinda work we'll be doing for God! Okay so remember I was talking about high school and my memoirs? Well I had written some of my thoughts out and have carried them with me. I had wanted to share this, but have run out of time this evening. Please know that I love each of you and share in my joy. Love you, love me. Love you, love me.

6.2.14 Challenge! Landlord!

A monumental day. Crazy busy. Crazy. But I got to spend most of it with my husband! So very emotional and for me, as I told Bill earlier, this day was the most stressful day I have had in 3 years. Going through treatment, I kind of KIND of knew what to expect. I knew I was gonna be tired and sick and achy. I guess I mentally prepared myself for the physical stuff. Today was a day I had no idea WHAT to plan for. I broke. I broke down. My faith faltered and I asked, "Why, why is this taking so long?" When? When is this going to end?" What? What does it look like on the other side of this?" But I lived, moment by moment.

Bill and I are on an adventure. We are getting ready to move. We are trying to buy a house. This has been something we have wanted to since day one. We have tried several times. Not enough credit, too much credit, over credit. We have prayed. I have begged, pleaded, and yes probably even bargained with God. I just want a place for my kids to grow up. A place we can call our own. A place where we can hang stuff on the wall, a place where I can make it my own. I also have fought the "system". Meaning landlords. People who can show up at anytime. A place where if something breaks and I try and fix it, I am liable. A place where if I didn't like the yard or wanted a cat, I had to answer to someone else. I have not been very good at answering to others. (HMMM, is this why I don't like to answer my phone?)

I have been so very blessed in my places of work to have supervisor's and bosses who really cared for me and my well being. HF gave me confidence to work on my own TU taught me to leave work at work and leave it at the door! AM gave me room and taught me so much about myself, EA stood up for me. RC stood up for me, gave me responsibilities and encouraged me and showed me a boss could TOTALLY be a friend! MW showed me I could go ANYWHERE and that I had potential! EL loved me, stood up for me, gave me room to grow, and had the most gentle spirit! (OK, had to throw some shout outs!)

But landlords. I have always had trouble dealing with them. It's NOT them it's ME. Let me work this out. I don't like to feel looked upon. A boss is like a mentor, showing you teaching you and you grow professionally. My work load shows my answers. I am visual. My home is a reflection of me, but I don't own it, I cannot fully expose me. Does ANY of this make sense?

Maybe, maybe I have lacked confidence in myself as a tenant. We never trashed a place (holes in the walls, burnt the place down). I have never took advantage of anyone, lived for months without paying rent. I think I have lowered myself below my landlords and therein lies my issues. A landlord is an owner an overseer. They have given me the responsibility of taking care of their property. My lack of confidence that I can do that, means I have to blame someone. So I blame the one holding the standards, the landlord. I totally meet the standards of a great tenant, especially given some of the situations I have been placed in. Remember me painting my living room 2 weeks out from chemo. Something I haven't told ANYONE by the way... so I painted my living room, right. I moved ALL the furniture painted. Went picked up my kids. Did a second coat. I had not eaten all day. I was on the verge of passing out. I am SO grateful I made it into town 2 times that day. Not one bite to eat all day, running off coffee and complete euphoria (and paint fumes) of accomplishing something on my own! I remember several times that day being so dizzy, I thought I was going to end up in a paint bucket. I learned a lesson that day, EAT, take care of yourself! and I learned today from that day. I am a pretty good tenant in my book. I would rent to me, sure. I sure would. She's a pretty nice gal, a little on the fickle side, but charming none-the-less. Love you. Love me. Love you. Love me.

Thank you all for being patient with me as I figured this out...

6.1.14~ WHAT DOES it MATTER? part deux!

Bam! The diagnosis. I was hit with it. I was home alone, the phone rang. I went numb. Completely and utterly, unavoidly numb. I called my sister. I wanted to scream. This is happening to someone else. This cannot happen to me. Then a fog. I cried, but it felt forced. Everything felt forced in my life. I guess this is what people mean when they say your life is spinning out of control. You WANT to care, you WANT to stop/ live/ cry/ scream, but it's spinnning and it all feels so forced. Un-natural? What is that? For me I've described it as a bubble. This bubble forms over you. A protective bubble. Like, well when a kid trips or gets hurt, there's that 1 second... Literally 1 second where there's silence. Some parents have learned if you say "It's okay" and make no big deal of it, the kid follows suit. But if you throw yourself into a frenzy, the kid catches this emotion and falls apart. This bubble is that 1 second, a protective covering. It doesn't last forever, so live that as long as you will allow, and as the bubble slowly deflates, truth becomes clearer and more manageable. Scream and fall apart and you burst the bubble, sending yourself searching for a covering. I let myself float. Somehow, somehow I would see this for what it REALLY was. NOT stupid cancer. This was something, a chance? A chance to get better at life? A chance to let my hair blow (away... just kidding). A chance to grow, a chance to find Rhonda. A chance to be a betters wife and mother or realize that I ALWAYS have been. Then a moment came. I'm sitting on the couch. Making plans with my sister, dad and father. I suddenly feel like I'm in this movie, "Wait, who, WHO has cancer? Wait what? What about my kids? What's going on?" One foot. I just needed to put one foot in front of the other. And I did. I realized, then at THAT moment. I was going to make this movie a GOOD one. I didn't know the ending. But I knew, I KNEW, it wasn't going to be this sappy movie about someone dying away. This was going to be a movie about LIFE. This was going to show a main character that LOVED LIFE and she LAUGHED AND LOVED with everything she had in her. There would be moments of sadness, unexpectedness, worry, shame, but NOT one of those moments would outshine the LIFE she still had.

      I can tell you, more than once I had to tell people "Nope, we don't talk about death. We don't talk about what if. Don't speak death over me! Don't speak negative to me." There did come a point, Bill and I realized that some people in their haste to understand what was going on, they had to relate. "Oh, my great-great aunt had cancer. She lived 25 years and passed away." "There was this lady I worked with found out she had cancer and lived 4 months."  ("HMMMM") But again Bill and I realized this was just how others related to the situation. We eventually let it pass. there were moments of unsure, but Bill came up with a new slogan for my campaign..."NO OTHER OPTIONS!" He would tell me, "There are no other options, your only option is life." When he said this and to this moment right now, I hear "There are no other options, my only option is life, is Bill, is William and Olivia and Elizabeth. My only option is dad, Eric, Candy and Rachelle. My only option is my nieces and nephews. My only option is LIFE." Yes, there were moments, usually in the middle of the night, everyone was sleeping I would weep. I would find myself in the bathroom laying on a towel on the floor, my face buried in another towel. I don't know God, I don't know if I can do this. I'm pretty sure I can't do this God. Please don't let my kids hear me. Please don't let Bill hear me crying. I know you are here God, I know you are here.

    Then a song or a scripture would come to me. Where? Where is this from? I haven't heard this song sing I was a kid in Sunday School. I haven't heard this in years, such an old hymn! It would flood me, over and over and over I could hear this song. "Where is this coming from God?" I ask. "From the prayers." I hear. Whose prayers? Who is praying God. It's just me, just me here." I am trying to understand. "It's from THEIR prayers, those people you asked for prayer. Your friends. When people say they are praying or thinking of you, this is those prayers." I hear again and ask again  "But these songs Sunday School songs..." He answers "Some people only know Sunday school songs, it's all they can remember".

      And the moments pass, sometimes slow, sometimes very fast. I try and explain to others during this time, but I don't know if they understand. I am more appreciative and understand now when others say they are thinking of me and praying for me.  Once, once on a short visit to Minto, as I am getting ready to head home, I get into the car and am stopped by relatives, maybe had too much to drink. "I love you and I'm praying for you".  I look him straight in the eye. "I know, I know you are praying for me. I can feel them, I can feel your prayers. YOUR prayers." His eyes for one SECOND say they know, they understand.

LIVING LIFE 3 MONTHS INTO FIRST TREATMENT!

      Yesterday as I was driving down the road here in Anchorage, I was headed to a birthday celebration and I began thinking of my own birthday a few weeks from now. I started to ask myself who are you. Who am I? I am a wife and a mother. I am a survivor. I know who I am now. I know what I like. I know what I want out of life. I know who I chose to be. I am neither proud or ashamed and it does matter. LIFE matters. How did I stay positive? I learned to be content in ALL situations. I have found myself on the bathroom floor in the middle of the night crying and I have found myself driving around a van full of kids laughing and singing. I have found love in the arms of my husband. I have found a daughter who still thinking her daddy is the most admirable man she knows. I have found HOPE in my brother. I have found richness in family love from my sister Candy. I have found that you can be who you are chosen to be, in a matter of months, ask my WORLD KNOWN ARTIST Rachelle! I have found LIFE and I will NOT let it go. Love you, love me, Love you, Love me.


Oh, by the way Happy cancer survivors day... :)

5.31.14 What does it matter? part 1

Hmmm. So there a several things I am thankful for post-cancer. Yes, thankful for. I mentioned in a facebook post that I believe I suffer a bit from OCD. Pre-cancer I would have to say I was more OCD then now. Cleaning was this huge thing for me. I had to have a very clean environment and it was a never ending chore for me. I was miserable when things were a wry. In fact even in thinking about this sends my hearts a pounding. I still to this day feel shameful when I see previous landlords. I have to remind myself that I forgave myself and I have moved on.

      So, this also brings me thoughts of when I was younger. I was trying to think of just how young, and I would have to say prior to moving to Minto, during my time in Minto. When I left there at 20, I left with something different. I left with different feelings about myself. Prior to living in Minto I was a carefree kid/ teenager... I didn't have a plan or a purpose. I didn't care what others thought of me. I wanted a driver's licence and a pierced nose. I wanted to roll down the windows in my car and feel the wind in my hair. If it was -40 I would bundle up and crank up the heat (no joke) ask my bff SM! I wanted to love, I wanted to be loved. I wanted to sit at Denny's and drink coffee and write my memoir's! I was who I was and I was not ashamed or proud! And then... yes, there's and then... I turned 18 I had just finished another year in high school. No plan no idea of when I would graduate. Someone asked about school and around this time my brother told people I was in the 6 year plan.  Truly funny then and now. But this statement set me on a path! I was NOT going to not graduate, if my brother was going to. In other words I wouldn't let him pass me by. I moved to Minto. Ah, the possibilities! I could succeed here. I was popular here. I could do this! I wanted to do this! I vividly remember wearing shorts to school at -40 below. I was sent home, go change. lol. I came back with tights on under my shorts. I could wear my hair as high as I wanted, and 1. no one judged me and 2. I could care less. I could scream my head off at basketball games. I could run for school President, (my campaign was run on the slogan: NO NEW TAXES!~ and I promised off campus lunches, which we already had cause we had to walk to the lodge for lunch anyway). Life was, life was good! Summers were even better. Stay up all night walking around the village trying to find what was happening. Sleeping all day in the tent because my mom didn't believe in sleeping in all day. Every couple of hours she would come out to the tent and holler, get up you girls. Then high school ended.

     I was moving to the big city of Anchorage in the fall. I moved with my aunt and uncle. My other mom and dad. I attended a charter college. I saved money from my student loans and moved back to Fairbanks that winter. Trudged through the winter working and fighting to pay rent and bills. Ah the life of a college kid.

    All of a sudden, it MATTERED. Life mattered. What was I wearing? Who was I seeing/ not seeing? Where was I living? Pressure. pressure to be someone, to be SOMETHING in life. That spring I ditched the guy I was with and moved back to Minto. Was I still someone here? I lived. I existed. I was someone. I was one of the Bauchmann's. I was a Bauchmann girl. Fall rolled around and this time I was going to make this work. Why? Because my sister was coming with me. We enrolled together in college with several other friends. She was dorm living, we were going to find an apartment off campus. We made it through the first semester. And the second. Barely. Still who are you, what are you wearing. Who are you dating? and yes for all honesty, Where's the next get-together/ party?

     So fast forward to many years later. Husband and kids. Who's your husband? Where do you live? How many kids? What school? Now, I'm not saying everyone I know is like this or asks these questions. These are the questions I would ask myself. Who are you? Where do you work? and on and on. So then my breast cancer diagnosis.

     So when I was diagnosed, people would say, "Wow, how do you do it? How do you stay positive? How do you not think about dying or your kids or stuff?" I smile now. Wanna know? ;)

     Read tomorrow....
     Love you. love me. Love you. Love me.

Say wha? Proof that I graduated.

5.29.14~ Winter Update

Has it really been like 4 months? Wow. I am so sorry to my 5 followers and those who check in on me once in awhile! ;) ya know me! So, where to pick up? Maybe where I left off? So February. The month of love. i was thinking I was in the up and up of Spring, coming out of a looong and dark winter. Little did I know!
 As most of you know I grew up in the Interior of Alaska and a bit north. My father worked on the North Slope of Alaska, and our family for some time had lived in "State camps". These were set up for guys who lived on the slope for their families to be closer to them. We moved to Fairbanks when I was in the first grade. So this leads me to tell you of my extensive knowledge about COLD, DARK WINTERS. In Fairbanks it can get -30 or colder. This usually lasts anywhere from a couple of days to a week. Now the dark. We start losing day light and in December/ January it's not uncommon for most people to go to work before the sun rises and drive home after the sunsets. Please don't let any of this deter you from visiting our state in the winter. Yes, cold, yes, dark. But there are warm fireplaces to curl up in front of. Books to read, movies to watch. It's all a matter of how you choose to look at it.
   After graduating from High School, I spent one winter with my Aunty and Uncle and cousins here in Anchorage. From what I remember, it was cold, but more of a bone chilling cold. And it wasn't so cold you couldn't go anywhere. Anchorage is a city. I am saying this because I have lived here for one year and there is more than 1 movie theater and ample places to shop, work, go to school, etc. I enjoyed that winter fondly. I was broke as all get out (college kid broke). My aunt and uncle gave me food, shelter and unconditional love. The movies and McDonald's, wellll that's a different story. Remind me to tell you about my college days.

Movie night winter 2013

     So fast forward many more years. I am in the middle of chemo treatment, and move again to Anchorage from Fairbanks/ North Pole. This time I am married with 3 children it's the middle of summer. Fall comes around and we enroll the kids into school. Everything is VERY different. My kids attended the BEST charter school in Fairbanks. I hate to sound like I'm bragging, but what my kids learned there, really gave them a great start. So Anchorage, bussing, hot lunch, 400+ more students, just very different than what my kids and I were used to. In North Pole my husband and I drove the kids into Fairbanks for school 22+ miles round trip. We packed their lunches pretty much everyday. They had 1/2 day of school EVERY Friday. There was no after school homework club or any clubs unless we made an effort to sign them up (the school focused in on academics). So I had a lot to focus my attentions on in the beginning. Combined with this, Elizabeth was starting in on Kindergarten. We dove head first into the winter. Then Christmas Break. By this point I was missing my kids terribly during the day. I was so ill, and not just physically ill but PHYSICALLY TIRED. Going downstairs to get something to eat took HUGE effort. Mornings I was so sick and evenings my joints ached. I have to hand it to my kids. They came home everyday after school to check on me and tell me how they're day went. Most days I tried to be at the door to greet them, I hated them seeing me sick. It was during this time I just COULD NOT let people see me this way, so shut-in I was. If it weren't for the grace that abounds all and God sending me a friend who loved me through it, I really don't know where I would be right now. (Love you KC.)(Thank you CM and MM) After my kids went back to school in January, I hit a huge wall. I began staying in bed, more and more. I could feel myself fading away. Then the straw that broke me. Someone said something mean to me on Facebook. They didn't know what I was going through, had no idea. So I shut it down. My link to the outside world. I cut the ties. I started to look for ways to get out. Nothing gave me the craving I was looking for. I wanted to be surrounded, yet all alone. I wanted to be needed, yet I refused to give of my time to anyone else. Then it was as if I had this moment, aha! I'm not alone. I just think I'm alone. I just think I'm ALL alone here fighting. But I wasn't. See my FAITH, GOD was with me the whole time. I didn't explode into reading my Bible or praying. I just realized He is my friend, when I am unfriendly. I had plenty of friends I wouldn't let in. But I let Him in. I RECOGNIZED He is with me, always has been.
     And now summer. I am enjoying my summer break with my kids. I am doing laundry and washing dishes, cooking dinner and driving. Driving my van. AND I AM BLESSED BEYOND MEASURE! More on this to come later. Thanks for reading and sticking with me my friends! Love you~Love me~Love you~ Love me!

2.11.14 cellular, journey, success, failure

Finally able to access my blog with my celly. So you are all on a new adventure with me! The last week has been very tiring for me, and still yet very exciting as I am anticipating this gem off from treatments! Today I BAKED! Strawberry shortcake scones and cornbread. I savored every bite. It was so good! I also did some homework with my Liz! Such small feats are no longer meaningless to me! They sat my heart to soar! I visited with friends, and my day is not over!!! I am so blessed to be sitting up in bed enjoying life, friends, family and baking! I also made turkey soup for dinner. I've been thinking about journeys in life and I first have to say I AM A BELIEVER in each of us having an ultimate journey. Heaven or hell. But as we make our journey, we take steps and each small step is a journey. Baking a cake, writing a blog, hugging a kid, seeing a patient. All little steps. I have friends and family that are on a path to sobriety and those who have yet to take that first step, I tell them, it will come, your time will come. I. Relieve this is for everyone. My journeys steps lately have rounded back into who am I? What is my step today? I have a fear, not of failing but of succeeding. I'm scared if I succeed I will have to continue to succeed. But today I would rather try and try and try and succeed, and fail. Rather than to not try at all. I love life!!! Love you, love me, love you, love me!

2.7.14~~ Wow early for me

Slept off and on for the last couple of days and learning to cope without Facebook has been interesting. I have been locked out of my facebook account, so until that gets settled, you are forced to hear me blab.I am enjoying life living in Anchorage. I wish I was able to get up and do more, but but am determined to be content in whichever situation I am in. At times it's rough. Laying in bed all day. Jittery. Wanting to be outside, wanting to be under the covers. Or in bed at 3 in the morning. The last couple of days I have been getting up early and making my family breakfast, which is nice. I look forward to sleeping in on the weekends!So just a quick up date. Love and miss you all. Love you, love me, love me, love you,

2.3.14...Updated appointment

Met with the doctor today! This is a good this. Still NED (No Evidence of Disease). I have been told my blood count is low so a break from chemo is on the horizon. In fact I will have a PET/ CT in about 6 weeks. No chemo until then! For most of you who follow me you know that My day of treatment and the next I feel pretty normal. I sleep a lot in the infusion chair and then when I come home. Tonight I came home, ate and crashed. It's about a 1/2 past midnight, and I feel completely wide awake. Thinking of my facebook friends and missing those who have been so very supportive. I will be back on in March. I just needed a break from the negitivity and feel positive about myself, my kids and the direction my life is taking. I also want to use this time to pray, and ask God about my plans for the summer. I so very badly want to travel home to Minto to spend time disconnected from the electronics of the world and camp and enjoy nature, my friends and family there! I am so very excited! Be blessed with me folks! Love you, love me, love you, love me!


PS
please email me for my phone number so we can text!
rbauchmann@hotmail.