12.2.12 Tradition 2~ The $5.00 Gift

Christmas Tradition #2: Let's see, a few years ago, wow, about 10 years ago, my mom and I were walking through Walmart during the bustling Christmas shopping season. There was this HUGE I mean like 1lb tub of knock-off LA hair gel. Blue. I picked it up handed it to my mom. I told her what it was. She BURST out laughing. We stood there and laughed and laughed and laughed. Who could we give this too? WHO would use it? Dad? We laughed and laughed. My mom asked how much it was. About $3.00. "let's tell everyone to bring a gift wrapped under $5.00" mom suggested. The rest of the Christmas shopping became about this $5.00 gift. Walmart has a package of forks (4) for $1.00. I found a GIANT pizza (cheap) tupperware, shaped like a slice of pizza. Loose forks in a container = tons of what is this??? when wrapped.The name of the game, "The $5.00 Gift". You pick a gift, you open, you can steal another opened gift or keep. After they were all open they went into the middle of the floor. At my count, grab what you want...lol. That year there was a can of spam I won. The container Kevin took that lucky one home. A tarp, must of been a 4 x 4 dad took that one. A beautiful little Angel night light, mom got. And the hair gel? Mindona, so nice, so kind, she couldn't fight for anything, she tried bless her heart. Her 5 year old came bounding down the stairway, "Hey I want THAT." lol. Every year it's new, fun and you never know what you'll come home with. A smutty book, a pair of earrrings the size of your palm, a picture frame. Consort Hairspray for men. A roll of duct tape. A HUGE enamel cup with a TINY enamel cup. I know the rest of my family will agree, on the day of Thanksgiving, we give thanks for all we have and wonder what will I blessed with "Under $5.00".

Christmas Cookie Day 2: Yesterday, Peanut Blossoms. Today Snickerdoodles. :) I will bake these before the season is over! :)

Update: Still nauseous. I watch Food Network allll day long. I can taste, and I'm suppose to eat, but thinking of food is an obsession. Nausea is fading, don't like to drink water, my water bottle got something in it and I can't seem to stomach water... blech. The weather is getting to me too. It's been colder than -30 below for a couple of days and I'm just thinking of the days when they will become longer. On the up and up, I have a blister on my foot. This is good. This means I did well on bedrest because a little bit of walking gave me a blister! :P Ah it's good to be positive!

12.1.12 Christmas and so much more

December 1: I want my kids to hear a little about their family traditions. So I will share them, and we can remember and share together...
Tradition day 1: Christmas cookies. My mom loved Christmas and baking, or maybe it was me. I do believe I love baking more than my mom. I love the scents, I love the mystery. I love the exact measurements and trying new recipes. Lately the last couple of years I have found a love of Snickerdoodles. A light cinnamon, crisp on the outside, light and soft on the inside. Bill's favorite are the Peanut Blossoms. Billy's favorite? Peanut Blossoms, Olivia's favorite? Peanut Blossoms. Lelly likes any kind at this point. Baking just thinking of baking stirs within me a passion to create... to mix!

Update: Day 5, eating every couple of hours wears me out. Sick of eating and it's getting cold. Bill's having to work this weekend and that too bums me out. I know this will be over, but everyday I count the days out of chemo and hope today will be normal... maybe this is a new temporary normal...

11.30.12 Hands to create and care

 I have found a passion. I love to crochet. I love making gifts. Before I was ever diagnosed, I prayed. "Lord, bless my hands. I want to use my hands to create." My grandmother Louisa, she was an artist. I often heard stories of her making pants, skirts out of "leftover" clothing. She wove with birch bark, softened moose hide, strung thousands of beads. She crocheted, she knitted. She took care of her family. Growing up more than once I heard it asked of my mom, which one is going to be Louisa (referring to my sisters and myself). My mom smiled. She raised us, my mom, the intellect. She used her mind, her words, this is how she gave strength. This is how she took care of her family. As a child these words others asked, who? Who was the prodigy? Who would carry on the culture with her hands? ME! Pick me! But as I grew I would try different things, sewing with moose skin, sewing with a sewing machine, needlepoint nothing seemed to "click". When I met Bill, we had another couple that became good friends. K and I decided to learn to crochet. Her grandmother sent us books. We tried. Over the years I tried and tried. Finally the patience of a woman and her You Tube videos. And then, I pick up my beading. And then I find needlepoint. And now my hands fly to finish Christmas presents that I will forever treasure the gift they gave me to give to others. To take care of my family. Love you, love me, love you, love me.

***Quick update today day 4, nausea, but thankful that I can see to watch TV and crochet. Last round I had difficulties in this area and was really having to learn to "Be Still". This round enjoying my foodnetwork and handiwork. God is GOOD! Blessed that Christmas is right around the corner!***

11.24.12 Tears...Good tears

Hi kids! Today, today, today. What a day! Small Business Shopping. Fireweed Consignment, Inua Wool Shoppe, Alaska Raw Fur! First I drove my first born to his basketball tourney thing... :) I can't recall what it is called! Then shopping with Sarah Pie. Then a quick stop at Fred's and a nice quiet ride home listening to Christmas Music. Bill headed into town to pick up the man at his basketball thingy. Put Eliz down for her nap. This mean I curl up with her until she softly snores.. Next some beadwork for Christmas presents. Bill brought the big kids home. We listened to Christmas music, and the kids and Bill decorated the Christmas tree. I untangled bells. :) lol. Funny, but feeling so blessed, because last year I couldn't seem to move and I cannot for the life of me remembered who put the tree away, B says he and Olivia did it. Those crazy bells (a string of plastic red bells) look as though they were thrown, literally into the box. I'm still giggling about it. I am so much a perfectionist, this would've irritated me to no end, but instead I laugh! HA! With the tree trimmed we got all dressed up and took Christmas pictures. God has blessed us. Beautiful, healthy kids. A warm place to live. Christmas clothes! We are so blessed. LIFE! So, getting to this tears thing.
I have noticed in the last couple of weeks I tear up. I thought it was make-up so I switched. I thought it could be medication, but it's been happening longer then the meds I have been on. So last night I was praying, talking to God. "What is it God? What is happening with me? How come I rarely cry with emotion? Shouldn't I be crying all the time?"
"You are."
"Wait, what? When? I don't cry, am I going to now? I don't want floods and floods of emotion."
"I know. You are letting it out."
"Am I God? I don't feel it. I don't FEEL like I'm letting it go. It feels like I'm holding back"
"You letting it out, slowly, tear by tear."
"Why? Why not all at once? I don't want to all at once."
"Those tears. tear, by tear, You can't let it out all at once. I already felt everything for you. I took on your pain, your sorrow. You can't handle all that emotion, no one can. So I did. I sent my Son to be born and to die, to take your cancer pain and sorrow, because I love you."
"Thank you God, thank you God. Thank you God."
scripture: They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength, they shall mount up with wings as eagles, they shall run and not be weary. They shall walk and not faint. Love you, love me, love you, love me!

To me the wait, is giving it to the Lord, my problems, my sorrow, my pain. My cancer pain, my cancer sorrows. Blessed I tell ya! Blessed!

11.23.12 Round 2 Day 12~ Black Friday BFF

So, I feel AMAZING! I spent the entire day with my BFF, Bill, shopping. Almost a completely normal day, I still got very tired at the end of the day, but after a few minutes of sitting here in bed I got up and sang "Allalujah" to my niece Sissy. I tried to get Bill to sing with me. He didn't so I told her FLASH MOB FAIL... :) I am now sitting up enjoying leftover Waldorf Salad, hmmm, mmm! I am so happy to be up and around I can't seem to remember bad days (nor do I want to) or that I will be traveling back to Anchorage on Sunday. It's all... what it is, and I will NOT let it steal the joy I have in my heart right now. I love all of you!

Oh, I remember something else that happened tonight... As I was leaving my sisters house tonight, I heard a trumpet! *smiling*

11.22.12~ A Lesson and Thanksgiving

Wow! What a day. I was WAS so nervous about today. See I am one of those people who plans Thanksgiving like a month in advance. I have SPREADSHEETS for the Holidays. A control thing or a PERSONALITY thing. Less a control thing now I think. It turned out fine. I could've saved a lot of energy if I only wouldn't have stressed about it. But in retrospect, I didn't really stress as much as I would have in the past. So I wasn't able to cook the entire meal, but my dad, Bill and even the kids did a great job. It wasn't until LATE this evening I let it all spill out. If I tend to think too much and stress and think then it will spill out into angry words. Word vomit I call it. It's pretty nasty. Up until now I think I've done pretty good with keeping it under control towards my kids, but tonight a bit spilled out to them. I am sorry. I have told them this, but I want to tell them one last time, before we can move on. I want to blame it on hormones or chemo or stress, but the truth is I have the power in me to control how I DEAL with the situation. I may not be able to control the situation, but I can control how I REACT to the situation. I didn't deal or react in the best of ways, for this I am sorry. Now moving on, I love you guys, with all my heart and WE WILL GET THROUGH THIS. (As a note to readers/ newbies, my kids are still what I consider young [13,11 and 4] but I hope one day they can read through all this and gain perspective to help them :)
Now Thanksgiving...As I sit here and think, I am so very blessed, for...A husband I will grow very old with and hold his hand all the way. Beautiful Children that I will watch grow old. I am blessed to have, all of the people God has brought into my life, THROUGH this journey. And very blessed for my family... My heart is with you K, and the village of Minto. I love all of you. Love you, love me, love you, love me.

11.21.12 Round 2 Day 15~ Rough one

Another rough day. I should know by now, but I enjoy my good days too much to complain too much about my bad. Sleep is avoiding me. I do believe only those with insomnia will know. I always thought, "Oh, but then you get to watch TV or play on the computer or read or SOMETHING." I now have a deep respect for those who suffer from insomnia. It hurts to be awake when you are SO tired. You don't have the energy to do anything. And as I spoke earlier about energy, good things make you FEEL good and bring up your energy, negative things just bring you down. Me, bring me down. And therein lies another issue, this whole menopause thing. Talk about weird emotions! Going from crying to laughing to screaming inside and out. Poor Bill gets a big part of it. Please keep him in your prayers. It may seem like I don't complain much, but that's because Bill gets the brunt of it. I am continuing in prayer and pray over myself when I start to feel this way. Lots of love to you all. Love you, love me, love you, love me.

11.19.12 Round 2 Day 6 Vlog

Hey! it's me!

11.18.12 Round 2 Day 5 Sisters

On the up and up. Got up outta the house today. This is GOOD! For not the best of reasons. There was a death in our village, in our family. Our village family. Thus the title...
As most of you know I have 2 biological sisters, 1 sister-in-law, and  2 sister (cousins) and many, many other friends I consider sisters. Some of which have been in my life years, others months and some of you I just met. I consider us sisters, you share my joys, loves, sorrows, heart soars and heart aches. Today I spent a few minutes with two of you.We stood there. The three of us. Bound by love, bound by teenagehood and dreams. Bound, forever as sisters. One of us letting her mother go, another fighing the battle of her life and the other doing both and the three of us upholding one another, just as we had done when we were teenagers. It was like it was us against the world again. The door in the hospital opened up and I felt like I could rule the world, again, the three of us, before I understood the word sister, these women were called into my life. I love you B, I love you K. It's us. WE ARE GOING TO DO THIS! Love you, love me, love you, love me.

11.17.12 Roun2 Day 4

So lately my main reason for posting my rough days, is so that people will pray and that I can look back for a second and remember what I went hrough and give myself a pat on the back! Everyone has their challenges, there are days I want to give up, quit, God always turns me around. He is the vine, and I am the branches... He hangs on when I can't....I started this scripture a day or so before I started this round of chemo. It's been with me, reminding me that I am rooted on to Him. I am growing, living breathing off of Him, my heavenly father.  Today was restless, meds, tired, hungry, not hungry, not achy, achy. PEACE be still. This is is so difficult to learn for me here. And yet, when I find that peace, I wonder, is this it? Am I doing it? Isn't there suppose to be more? What am I doing wrong? and back to un-peace... restlessness. So I stop again, and listen. I hear the sounds of the television, the kids, my husband and I slowly slip into peace, realizing this time I deserve it and it's a gift. A gift of Peace Be Still, not a command....God is good. Love you, love me. Love you. Love me

11.15.12 Day 3 Round 2

I have to start typing out what kind of days I'm having. Today's been rough. I can't lie.I'm restless, I'm tired. I'm achy. I want to sleep, I can't sleep. I am soo very thirsty. But in HIS weakness I am made strong. Maybe more later. Let's just hope this is the worst of it. Love you, love me, love you, love me.

11.9.12 It's Just...Hair

Ah, the first time I shaved my head, I made this big ordeal about it. I cried, I laughed. Tonight, none of that. Just me, the scissors and miss Elizabeth. I just started chopping. My night didn't turn out how I was planning, so I started hacking. I felt like "Kicking Bird" in "Dances with Wolves". Mourning? No. Just irritated. Since my diagnosis, I've been planning this. I called a couple of hair places in town to see if they would do it for free. No. Ha. Today it was bothering me soooo bad. I have a friend that lives a few miles down the road, she's a barber. She said she would do it for free. I'm still not driving 1 week 4 days left, but I had no ride. I just can't ask. I feel like I've used all my free passes and don't want to ask for more. Just irritated. Now, now I feel liberated. I didn't cry. It's just hair. I'll cry another day. I'll feel sorry for myself another day. Today is a day to feel liberated. Free, free from hair. Free from styling. Free from asking for help with my hair (although I REALLY, SERIOUSLY did a chop job on it, and Bill will have to fix it tomorrow). Tonight, it gave me joy to lose it. I don't have to worry about pieces falling out. I don't have to worry about styling it. I don't have to ask for free haircuts :))) I don't have to ask for a ride into town. and I love myself. I love my bald head. I am so beautiful! As I was cutting I was reminded of a friend, forced to grow her hair long as a child, she now wears her hair very short. Fabulous. I love it, I love her, her strength. She taught me about confidence it how she wears her hair. Tonight for a moment I was mad at God. For a moment "Why God, why me, why again?" Then, blessed. I refuse to ask why. I am blessed to HAVE hair to lose. I am blessed with friends and sisters who when reading this will wonder why I don't ask for help, and love me anyways. I am blessed with a husband and a beautiful little girl, who when she saw me when all done said, "Mommy YOU ARE SO BEAUTIFUL". Ah yes, It's just...Hair. Love you, love me, love you, love me!

11.4.12 On the up and favorite things

Today, a beautiful day! My husband got some tea for me last night and it had this little tin in it. Oh, so CUTE. To date I have been carrying around a few tea bags and honey in a ziplock bag, this is wayyyy cuter! I went to church. AMAZED. I am amazed! Last night and this morning, my prayer was "Lord, if you want me in church, you're going to have to give me strength! And He did, beyond measure. Not only did I go to church, I went to the grocery store! My bff recommended I try ginger for nausea, and last night as I was watching "Chopped" one of the secret ingredients was ginger. The chef candied it. This gave me the idea to buy candied ginger and try for my nausea! This has cut my meds to half. It's a weird smell, and has an off taste, but I'm actually kinda liking it. I wish I would've known this years ago when I was pregnant with Billy. But all in perfect timing. I am home now, to my crocheting and this wonderful tea. My throw into menapause is another thing. Hot flashes, night sweats and really weird mood swings. I mention all this, because as far as I know I'm the first of my friends to experience all this. And I think, if my mom were here, stuff I could ask her about. So tonight I leave you, as I am feeling BLISS. So very BLESSED AND SO VERY BLISSFUL! Love you, love me, love you, love me.

11.2.12 Busy Day, Rough day

I'm not sure rough is being completely honest. Rough is flat out on my back all day. Which I pretty much was, but I find myself saying it could be worst. I crocheted most of the day. Made some head bands with flowers for my girls. I'm so blessed to have so many females in my family. So I can make for! And someday for daughter-in-laws and grand babies! I am so very happy to be home. I literally felt like I slept for 2 days. And part of me wished I could be sleeping away today. But God has me on a mission as long as I am breathing. So I will fight, I will continue on this mission. What is my mission? prayers? Posts? Elizabeth prayed for me tonight. She also said "And thank you God that I want to be a big helper." Prayer. Changes. Lives. Love you, love me, love you, love me.

10.30.12 Chemo Round 1

All hooked up, BEFORE.

Chemo...Blech! But thankful for the hands and minds that created this!

We got a live wire here!

AFTER...

Scriptures to get me through

Tired. That's all I can really say. I had my melt down yesterday. I went in happy clamming. Loving my nurses. Joking, fun, so very Blessed to be back in the chair. These chairs brought me to other patients. People to pray for, people to pray for me. People to smile at, conversation with. This particular chair was the first place I met W. W my friend, her story so very different. She was fighting this disease for the third time. She has a baby the same age as mine. W. now has this disease again. Fighting in another state. Fighting. I am blessed to type Chemo Round 1. Love you, love me, Love you, love me.

10.29.12 Hospital Cafeteria

I tell ya, I could write a book sitting here. Daddies with kids, Grandpa's sharing lunch. Woman walking together, heads together telling secrets. Dining Services keeping the tables clean. An elderly man walks by, he smiles. A true, "I understand" smile. I need that. I look away with tears in my eyes. This is going to sound strange to some of you, but I enjoy time here by myself. Yeah it can get lonely. Yeah I miss my kids and family. But here I enjoy this quiet time, thinking, mulling over things. Reading, writing, crochet. Love you, love me, love you, love me.

10.26.12 Five Words

I'm not a cusser anymore. Back in the day, I could swear up a storm. Life, maturity, kids, Christianity, Faith, all this changed me (a change I searched out and choose). But if I could, if you could've heard me today, it was swear word, Lord forgive me". So Wednesday the doctor call, breast cancer on my ovaries. Now, I hadn't thought about it, but today it was said out loud. "stage 4-No evident Disease". Stage 4. Stage 4. Stage 4. terminal. terminal. Forever. Terminal. No day will ever go by where I don't think, remember Breast cancer. Survivor, Thiver, Whatever. It's here hon, to stay. The words echo in my brain. I have always told others, "ya know I'm making it through this, it's not terminal, it's not forever. It's not chronic. It will go away, it will be the past soon enough. But now, with this new diagnosis, terminal. And as I am contemplating these words, I want to scream to cry. I want to be angry. At God, at my past. My past. I search, I start to look through my entire past, where? where? NO. NO! I will NOT look back. I will NOT blame God.
I have said before, this blog, I write this because someday YEARS from now, I want my kids to read this when I'm like 110 years old. I want them to see this moment, a moment I was ready to give up and give in, but I remember them. I know you will one day read this and this one is for you...


I WILL WALK THIS OUT. ONE DAY, ONE DAY. TODAY. Today I will hear the words, NO EVIDENT DISEASE. I have no cancer in my body. God took it. God took it because others prayed. I will recieve that. I will smile as I walk down the hallway minutes, literally MINUTES after I hear the words. I will laugh and joke and live. I saw a sign at the airport, "Wrote a book on life while dying". I want to be the woman who "wrote a book about life while living". And I will and I AM. Billy, Olivia, Elizabeth I love you and momma's fighting for YOU today.

Love you, love me, love you, love me.

10.25.12 A lunchtime mission

Sitting in the caferteria today I overheard a lady and a man talking. He was ministering to her. She was sad, crying? I sat down to eat, said a prayer, "Lord, you have a mission for me today, whatever it is, go with me. YOUR will be done." I overheard this conversation, got up went over and prayed with this woman. It is times like these I feel so blessed to be here, where I am. I get the chance to meet others and pray with and for them. This is my blessing. Where does my joy come from? It comes from the Lord and doing HIS will. Blessed. BLESSED I TELL YA! Love you, love me, love you, love me....

10.22.12 Visitor

I have a visitor that comes by and cleans my house. I sit typing this, tears of joy. Makes me feel so loved and appreciated and needed. Truely a servent. How many times have I said "Oh, thanks so much" when people say "Call me if you need anything, ANYTHING." But I don't. I'm robbing them of joy or a blessing. They want to BLESS me, to see me with tears of joy. When I say I don't need anything, I am robbing them, I am stealing their joy. Blessed I am for you M. I love you... love you, love me, love you, love me.

10.21.12 Ouch and Toot-'in!

So Toot-in' is my swear word. This crazy tube comes out of my body. Then there's a bulb that hangs off the end of it. I can't move around for more than a few minutes, I can't lift anything (even a lifting cup of coffee hurts). My sutures came out on my stomach and it itches soooo bad, have you ever had an itch that hurt to scratch it and hurt to not scratch? This crazy bulb at the end of this 18 inch tube I can't sleep on it. The slightlest pull on it sending me cringing in pain. I am tired. I don't mind sitting and doing nothing, I

I couldn't finish. I couldn't even finish my blog. Then it happened. Crying. pain from my surgeries, pain from pain. Crying. I hold Olivia for a little bit. Wishing for my mom. She says "it's okay mom, it's okay, I know you love me." Bill holds me. I can't see to stop sobbing. There is this huge lump in my throat. Burning. Then slowing like a balloon it deflates. I talk, Bill listens. I tell him I am scared. Scared of chemo. I don't want to go back. I somehow know I will. I know I will because I did it before. It will be hard once I get there. But I will make it through this, and like I've said so many times before, but by the grace of God. It's like those moments you know you're driving down the road and your mind is so full, you're not sure HOW you made it from point A to point B. Except that you did and now you are ready to deal with what's in front of you. This is how it was for me. I know that this fight will be different. How? I'm not sure. I do know that the last fight has prepared me for the one coming up. That whatever happend in the past, those were experiences will help me to get through whatever my future holds. And I know that HE HOLDS ME IN THE PALM OF HIS HAND. Love you, love me, love you, love me.

10.16.12 Day 1 Bedrest

 Bedrest, I'm actually kinda looking forward to staying off my feet and see what God has in store...




 From my facebook post...
So, home. Please do not be offended if I was in Anchorage and did not get to see you. We had a busy time with doctor's appointments, surgery, more doctor's appointments and spending some much needed time together, Bill and I. My official update is, NO cancer in the breast. I had my left breast removed (I have none now, but happy to not have cancer and to not be lopsided :) I also had my ovaries re

moved, so since this means no more McAnulty kids, Bill and I will start our farm... :) just kidding, kinda, no pun intended... :) I also had another medical port put in. This means I will have chemo. What kind and how often is yet to be determined. It most likely will be in Anchorage. They are also testing my ovaries for cancer. What does all of this mean? It is good. I am ALIVE. I am breathing. I get to hug and kiss my kids and husband. I get to drink coffee with my facebook friends and post blogs. :) I am going to be on bedrest, for the most part of 6 weeks. No driving, cleaning, cooking. But I am blessed to be ALIVE and to have my laptop and crocheting. Keep me in your prayers and I will do the same. If you're interested in visiting me, please call. I love all of you....TEXTS gladly welcome!!

10.15.12 Flying home

Finally after a week, flying home. I never really realize how much stress I've been under until I get home and then begin to relax. Tonight we came home to friends, family and home cooked chicken noodle soup. My kids, my kids. The joy in seeing them!We had gifts for them and they were so happy to see us! My sister Rachelle was there. My rock this last week, she helped to take care of my kids and love on them while I was gone. I have to admit, one of my biggest faults is change. I don't like change, coming or going. So when we got home I had to adjust going from just Bill and I to family and being surrounded by love. Bill and I had our moments too. cancer sucks cause it takes everything out of you. I can become so stressed about cancer I put aside my stresses about kids and money and other aspects of life that when I do become ready to deal with them, it all just spills out. I call it word vomit. My words spew out everywhere. Poor Bill gets a lot of the brunt of it. My actions I have never been able to hide either. Especially disappointment. These are my real moments folks. I'm human too. These are things I don't love about myself, and I want to change. I will either change them, or learn to love them. I suppose I can also learn to love the good about them and get rid of the crap... :) In other news, I didn't really cry until... until I got on the plane. I haven't cried about the loss of my breast, my ovaries, of having to have ANOTHER port put in. I didn't cry before or after surgery. I cried about the pain of the tests, about death, about missing my kids, about screwing up my sisters birthday, but not about the loss of my friend, left boobie. She carried me through the last year. She was there when the other failed. She fed my babies, comforted me in good times and bad. She was there for a lot in my life. So not crying for her, that's a big deal. I get on the plane, I have to go through the special lift, there is another older gentleman, we catch each others eyes a few times. We both are scared where the lift goes, how it gets us on the plane. We can't talk it's too loud on the tarmac. I reassure him with a smile. He smiles back as if to say, "I know honey, it's going to be okay." We board and I notice he's sitting a few rows back across the isle. I sees me and smiles, "We're doing this". The plane finishes boarding, Bill gets on, all my stuff in tow. As the plane gets ready to take off I look back and there is my friend, no words spoken, just a look, "It's okay, I understand". I cry. I bawl. I bury my head in Bill's shoulder. Tears are in my chest, in my throat, please, "Please, please, I'm sorry. I didn't get to say anything. I was going to say something. I was going to let you know I care. That what you DIDN'T say, what you meant to me, when I was scared and trying to be brave. I needed you. I know that now." In a minute, in a heartbeat, cry and then done. Yes, she was my friend. Yes, HE was my friend. If I forget, love you, love me, love you, love me.

10.14.12 Sunday Dinner

Nothing says Sunday to me, more than Sunday dinner with family. Be family here or there. I'm not the biggest fan of a certain Italian restaurant. I have had great Italian food I guess. I have a friend AM who is ITALIAN AND A GREAT COOK. She spoiled me. But this dinner was good nonetheless. We got to spend time with my brother in law, sister-in-law and nephew. We shopped first. I have to say I'm not a fan of wheelchairs, but it got me around and that's okay. I think growing up with a mother who was blind, it never really occured to me that people stare. It wasn't until later in life and after she was diagnosed that I was like hey, people are staring...So the wheelchair stares didn't really bother me. I am now in a state of "Oh, they see I had breast cancer and have no boobs". Which to know think about it. No one knows. And by the way, why am I trying to read people's minds. Let them...EAT CAKE! I also think a lot about other people and "why? Why did she go ALL the way through life without cancer?" Another useless thought, cause it will just send me in a tizzy trying to figure it out and I'll end up VERY crabby at other people and they didn't know what on EARTH I'm thinking... Okay, my mind is free from these thoughts, release, let go...good-bye and love you, love me, love you, love me.

10.13.12 Outta the hospital

It was two nights. I'm not your traditional gal, I'm not typical. I enjoy hospital stays. I like they way they take care of you. I like the food (at ANMC). I like the little leg cuffs that keep your feet from falling asleep. I like that they care. Is there anything you need? Can I get you anything? and it's a no pressure thing. They get paid to care for me and most of them guninely want to. I would also have to say that it helps having a husband, sister, cousin, and lots of friends that are nurses. I know how a nurse wants to be treated. I know not to abuse my patience. (  :o) I know to be patient and kind, to appreciate all of their help. I know the hours are long and they have kids and families at home. I know that they are here, because they love people and seeing the best for them. But my time came today to get out, and let these wonderful people take care of someone else.
So we get out of the hospital and I tell Bill take me to the store. Poor thing. I practically gives him a heart attack walking around. I was just determined to LIVE. I am ALIVE. I'm going to TARGET! I want to start living now. I want to learn french and crochet and hug and kiss my babies and spend time with my sisters. And my goodness I'm going to start by first thing outta the hospital! Love you, love me, love you, love me!

10.12.12 Hospital Friday

A person I'm realizing can only blog about so much when in the hospital. The television here is bad, the sleep is good. I like that I can recline and that my feet don't fall asleep. I can stay up late and unless I have a roommate, I don't bother anyone. I can read and read and read. It's a big change from taking care of others to being taken care of, but I don't mind. The pain is a pain, but during my first bout with cancer I learned a lot about pain management and to come out swinging and don't stop until it's out for the count. By this I mean I take my meds before the pain sets in and continue every ___ hours for a day or so then let a little more time go by and a little more and a little more. I don't or try not to blog too much about pain or medicine. Fear that someone's going to break in thinking I have a ton of medicine, but the truth is I also have kids (and a big husband) and I'm hate having kids and medicine around. I don't ever want to abuse my medicine (which won't likely happen cause I don't keep it around). So being in the hospital is okay, cause they can just stick a needle full of happy stuff into my tube thingy, I don't get owies and they leave without leaving anything for anyone to steal/ bribe/ whatever. Okay happy stuff kicking in, love you, love me, love you, love me...

10.11.12 Surgery Day

The day I have been dreading for weeks. I already posted about fears so today wasn't a dread. I remember checking in, signing the last minute paperwork. My nurse Rosemary coming to get me. Medicine. The OR, sliding over to the other bed mask covering face slipping off to sleep. Then..."Rhonda, Rhonda, wake up your surgery is over." Relief. Relief. Kids. My kids. I get to see my kids. I get to see Bill. I get to see my brother, sisters and dad. I'm here. I'm here. woozy. Waking up. Sleep. In my room. Nurse. IV. Leg squeeze thingys. Time? Who cares. I'm here. I get to see my kids. I get to see my kids. Rachelle. Mindona. Candy. Heather. Eric. Dad. Bill...Bill..Bill. I spend most of the day woozy but get to call my sisters I am SO glad. I have NEVER felt more happier to be ALIVE. ALIVE! Love you, love me, love you, love me.

10.10.12 Happy Birthday, my son

I'm in Anchorage. In Anchorage for my son's 13th birthday. I never would have imagined being away from him for his 13th. I want to feel down, upset, angry that I am here on this important day for him. But I am not. We got to celebrate his birthday last weekend. A wonderful afternoon spent with family and friends at "Go-Carts of Alaska". They have a neat little video game room in the back, and I have added taking my kids there when I'm feeling better. A Friday in the spring. Just me and the kids... :) So his birthday. I remember starting this blog, one of my biggest reasons, I don't think I have posted yet, but it has been on my mind, is for my kids. They already know I have it. They know I blog that I have a story. What they don't know is that THIS is for them. Someday they can read it, they will learn a little or a lot about me. They will learn about this journey I have taken. They will learn how I laughed, cried, smiled, cursed, and learned about myself. They will learn how I learned to love myself through some very hard times. They will learn that I am human. They will learn how much I love them. My heart bursts with love when I think of all THEY are going through. They are becoming teenagers. I am so proud of them. They are having to go through this very difficult journey of learning how to laugh, cry, smile, curse and learn about themselves and do all of this while they are physically, mentally, emotionally growing into adults. I am so proud, because I have the strongest kids on the face of the earth and I love them so much. This, BJ, Olivia, Elizabeth, this story is for you. This journey is for you. because I love you. I will walk through the fire and I will walk on the waves not because I can, because I am called to. I am called into a Journey through a cancer diagnosis. But more importantly, so MUCH more importantly, I am called to be your mother, the BEST job I could have EVER asked for. I love you. Love you, love me, love you, love me.

10.4.12 Pain

The pain unbearable. I'm not sure how I'm suppose to make it through the next 12 hours of this. For a PET scan, you need to be on a low-carb diet for two days prior. No breads, pasta, rice, sugar of any kind. So day one ok, a slight headache. Today, the pain gets worst by the minute. I want to go to the mall here in Anchorage before it closes, so we opt to shop before dinner. By the time we are ready to eat, I've waited too long and the pounding is ferocious, excruciating. I wait in the car and Bill waits in the restaurant, the music the noise, and the lights are too much for me. I am beyond tired, beyond hungry and now the pain has settled in, in a serious manner. I run into the restaurant, I'm going to be sick. Bill rushes me out to the car and to a fast food place next door. He brings out chicken and salad, I throw up. I can't do the smell, my head pounds even more. Ah, what have I done? Why did I open these flood gates? I pray, I cry. I end up curled up on the front seat, shaking and sweating. This goes on for I'm not sure how long. I try and reason with Bill that I don't need the stupid test, that I don't think I can do this. Just give me a tortilla or a bowl of rice. I take 2 tiny sips of his coke and it does NOTHING. But I can't drink any more. Where have I felt this before? That I can't do it, but a strength rises within me, When our son Billy was born. Colic isn't a big enough word. My poor son cried 24/7. He would only sleep for about 15 minutes at a time. The nurse had sent home a bag with formula. By the 3rd night, Bill and I were at our wits end. I couldn't nurse anymore. It was painful and I was so tired, so VERY tired. I looked at Bill, I can't do this. Silently he gets up off our bed goes into the kitchen and comes back with the diaper bag. "Whatever you want to do, I am behind you. But I know you can do this." I fit a nipple on the bottle and put it in Billy's mouth. Immediately it is quiet and then my tears roll. Bill reaches over and rubs my shoulder. He's look says it all. I believe in you, whatever you do. I believe in you. I take the bottle out, "I am going to do this, we are going to do this". And we did. I now have a son who will be 13 on the 10th. He is taller than me and takes pride that he can reach higher and his hands are bigger. So tonight as I sip the cool caffinated drink, I look at Bill and his eyes say, "You can do this, I am with you, I am behind you. I believe in you." I set the drink down, "I am going to do this, we are going to do this." Love you, love me, love you, love me.

9.27.12 Insomnia and I Need YOU!

My body aches, my mind races...I am so tired. I can feel it behind my eyes. I want so badly for sleep, for real rest. My head pounds. It's all I can think about. Please body release tension, let go of ideas, plans, fears. Eyes close. Head, please stop pounding. RELEASE.
           Imagine, you, the hardest thing you've ever had to go through.That thing you had to go through, mentally and emotionally, physically. It may have only been a few moments or years. It may have been cancer, or war, or a marathon. Maybe it was having a baby or giving a baby away. Maybe it was death and letting go of a loved one. It could been an addiction or watching a loved one go through it. Now think, seriously of that moment you made it. The moment the doctor announced you were cancer free or the military released you. The moment you crossed the finish line. The moment you heard the babies cry or heard the wonderful news of how that baby was growing by leaps and bounds by a family who loves and cares for them. Think of the moment you relized that your loved one was in a better place and that you would someday be there. The moment you relized that you could do this, you could make it through an addiction. The moment you saw your loved one and they looked at you with clear eyes free from their addiction. This was me. I did it. Then I turned the corner, and was hit by a bus. The cancer bus.
       So many have asked me, what can I do, how can I help? My reality is that I have done this before. The first time around I didn't know how to answer this. Pray for me. Pray for Bill. Encourage my kids. This time I need you. I NEED YOU, to tell me I can do this. I need you to tell me I am strong, that I will have years ahead of me. The first time I KNEW it. I was telling everyone I knew, I've got this. I'm a fighter, I will win this. Now, now, this time around is a different fight for me. It's a different fight for YOU. I need you to TELL ME I'm going to make it. What if you're not sure? Are you one of the people praying for me? Do you think of me? Then you know the answer. I don't care how you think you may not be worth the answer of prayer from God. HE IS GOING to answer YOUR prayers and prolong my life. HE is going to prove it to me. So, to help me, say a prayer and tell me, I'm going to make it to my daughter's weddings and to see my son play college basketball. I am going to retire to a cabin in the woods with Bill where he will fish and I will crochet in a rocking chair. Or we will travel the world as missionaries...Tell me you love me. Love you, love me, love you, love me.

9.25.12 Teenage boys and...

...just teenage boys. To blog about anything more would be outrageous!!! So I have three BEAUTIFUL kiddos. The boy will be 13 here in a couple of weeks. The daughters still have a bit to go and a lot to go. Wow, where do I start? Teenage boys are messy, they smell funny, they know TWO looks, one is the "side eye". If they aren't doing the "side eye" they are doing the "eye roll". They only time they laugh it's when they are teasing they're sisters. They think testicle is a funny word and border line cuss word however don't EVER, EVER say breast around them, they die from the inside in. Speaking of which speaking to them in public is forbidden as is turning the radio up past 10, don't EVER sing to the radio even if, especially if it is a song on the top 40. They don't like ANYTHING you like. From hobbies to music to food. BUT, and here's what I love so much about my teenage son. He hugs me when no one is around, he smiles in his sleep when I sneak into his room and kiss his forehead. He smells funny, because he still needs his mom to clean his clothes and room. I sometimes let him sneak a cuss word like "testicles" in and pretend like I'm mad, then he laughs at me. (I hate the word breast, and die a little inside whenever I hear it too.) I like to hear HIM sing to the radio so I let it play as loud as HE want it too, and usually it's top . He likes my cooking by the sounds of his big burps, and that's okay. I love this kid...HE IS MY ONE AND ONLY, AND I am the first woman he will ever love and that's okay. LOVE HIM, Love you, love me, Love him, love you, love me.... 

9.23.12 On a rough day...

...far, far away deep in the crawlspace of your life lies a box. It's been open a time or two, it's not completely worn out. In it lies spiral journals, every shape size and color. They are not in any order, although through the years you've tried. You would have liked them to be the same shape, size color, dated neatly and one for everyday of your life, good or bad. But they're not, and now you realize, that's okay. This adds character and personality. Some entries have scriptures, some have curse words. Some are sermon notes, very little other than words you wrote either a year ago or ten years ago. No pictures or momentos, just words flowing from your mind and your heart. What ever did inspire you? Sometimes a conversation, sometimes a prayer group. Sometimes no conversation led you to that journal, simply because you had words to say and no one to hear right at that moment. So you wrote and filled the pages. Underlining important parts, filling your mind with information for later. Sometimes that later was later that evening, sometimes later that week. Sometimes later wasn't until now. You walk over and open the box, I remember this box. I have seen it, carried it from house to house. It has traveled with me. I know that the spirals will be facing out. I know that some were gifts from only closest friends and family who knew I journaled. But this time, right there on top lies a little photo album. My high school album. Filled with pictures from my senior year and the summer after. I pull it out and carry it up to my room, and laugh and laugh and laugh! From the crazy outfits and hair to the smiles on each page. Most pages have my own picture on them and I realize I loved myself before I knew what a great person she is. And I send photos to my sisters and laugh. Tears roll and I laugh, so on my next rough day, I know I have an option. I have the option to search for the "mom jeans" and the smiles and the laughs of a little photo album held in a box full of journals and words.

9.21.12 Great finds...

A few websites that I found have freebies for cancer patients....



http://www.heavenlyhats.com/heavenlyhats/request+a+hat+package/default1.asp

www.goodwishesscarves.org

9.19.12 Insomnia and Prayers

(note: it's very early in the morning 9/20, but for the sake of keeping up everyday on this blog)

Okay after an hour of laying in bed praying, contemplating, thinking, dreaming, planning and imagining, I am tired. First, don't EVER think I don't complain, cause that's about what I'm going to do. My rants tonight are sleep meds. I DO NOT like sleep meds. I have tried several. Everything from natural stuff to the high powered junk. They ALL make me either drowsy the next day or don't work. I HATE being drowsy during the day. Growing up, it was a bad thing to sleep during the day. The day was for working and keeping busy. Night was for sleeping. So with this mentality, I'm not a fan of sleeping in. I do like naps. In fact for as long as I can remember, I've needed a 2:PM nap. I remember working and everyday at 2PM, I took my lunch, cause that's when I was most tired... and I had to pick up my kids from school. The same is true 4+ years later. I still need to pick up my kids, so no nap. :( So my thoughts run this evening. I pray for everyone I can think of. I start with my kids, husband, brother, sisters, dad, uncles, aunts. Then the facebook friends. I go through and occasionally (okay, more than that) I get sidetracked. I think of my kids, how much I love them, things I can do for them, and why hasn't Lelly moved back to our bed? Then my friend's baby Palmer and I start praying again. Then I start to rant about not being able to sleep, then I think of things I should feel blessed about, because this gets my mind off my rants. TRY THIS. Say someone cuts you off in traffic or something REALLY irritates you, quick think of three things to be thankful for. Even if you're not TRUELY thankful for it. Even small stuff. "I have a car". "I don't have cancer". "I am breathing". If you're still cranky about being cut off, think of three MORE things. Different things. "The sun is shining". "It's not 40 below". I didn't hit that guy." Okay so I do this. Tonight and usually on insomnia nights, I am thankful I don't have chronic illness. Brain illness that causes DAYS of sleeplessness. Cancer for the 4th time. A sick child. A sick spouse. A sick sister/brother/dad/aunt/ uncle. These people are my hero's. Kristy! Wendy and Chris! Shauna! Candy, Rachelle, Eric, Heather, dad, Laurel, Aunty, Uncle Paul, Daniel, Chris, Ramanda, Sarah, Mindona, Hank, Steven, Stephen, Kevin, Uncle Edmund, Aunty Garnet, Uncle James, Aunty Louann and Aunty Bessie, Vera and UNCLE Josh! YOU people are my hero's! I love you all and late in the WEEEEEE hours I think of you and say a grateful prayer for you. Okay. Round two of trying to sleep, if not, more prayers. Love you, love me, love you, love me!

9.18.12 Again...

Here we go again. Poor Bunny the Cancer Free Bunny. :( That was a sick kinda joke. Today. Today. My doctor called. Cancer again. Who? Who gets cancer twice? Well, me I guess. Tomorrow the tumor board will meet. This is a board of doctors (surgeons, oncologists, nurses, etc) that meet every Wednesday at Alaska Native Medical Center. They go over patients and care plans for the patients.
                Tomorrow they will go over patient "Fighter". She is a 38 year old female. Previously she was diagnosed with Invasive Lobular Carcinoma, stage 3. She had a mastectomy of her right breast. She recently found a lump in her left breast, a surgical biopsy was scheduled for last Tuesday. Upon further investigation it was discovered the mass recorded was significant in size. A lumpectomy was performed. Pathology reports confirm that cancer was found.

What happens next will be determined by this set of doctors and they will call me tomorrow afternoon. I am, I am... tired?
2 Corinthians 4:16-18
¹⁶Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. ¹⁷ For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. ¹⁸ So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

I will not LOSE heart, don't lose heart with me... hang on with me friends... Love you, love me, love you, love me.
 

The fourth of July. July 4th. Freedom. Today. Freedom today. I am free to enjoy love, life, FAMILY and friends. I still have my fears, my hesitations, but I can't hang on to those forever. I still have some hang-ups, I say lets do this or that, then I fall through. But I recognize this and I AM ready for a change. I am ready for my word to be FIRM. I am ready to do what I am saying I will do. One of the things I have been telling myself I will do, is close this blog. I had a journey THROUGH Breast cancer, and now my journey is THRIVING after breast cancer. I still have aftermath to go through. Reconstruction, results from my BRAC2 (Genetic testing). This may mean a hystericomy and a mastectomy of my left breast, but we'll go through this together. I have been determined to bring you all with me, and I will. But for now. Today I am cancer free, I am thankful for that. Today I said I will LIVE and today I LIVED. Love you, love me, Love you, love me.


Ahh, yes, notes for today... a great gathering with family here in North Pole at what is called the river dyke. Campfire and lots of talk about an upcoming wedding! Fireworks and kids running around. Hotdogs and s'mores. Egg toss and...and...fun! Blessed to have such a wonderful day and wonderful sisters!

6.29.12 He is With ME!

So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. ~Isa. 41:10

 

This scripture has been on my heart and mind off and on in the last week. I will not be afraid. I am blessed beyond words for today! God has truely blessed me!

6.1.12 EEK! Casting for Recovery

Okay, I haven't mentioned this, or maybe I have... anyhoo. One of the biggest fears I have is about meeting new people and trying new things with new people. I am so much more comfortable with someone I know with me. For instance I will usually only join a group or try something new if I can talk my sisters/ husband into going with me. I am terrified of being around strangers. I'm afraid of being unliked or not good enough or being laughed at? I'm afraid of being unapproachable. So all these fears out there, I am DOING THIS. I recieved a flyer from the Oncology clinic about a thing called Casting for Recovery. It's a weekend event for women who have had or are going through breast cancer. It's a retreat where we learn to fly fish. I've never fly fished before but have always wanted to learn. Hoping my husband and I can have something we can do together. So I contact the people in charge and they ask, they ASK me if I would be interested in catching a ride with a few other participants. I answer very quickly that I would. (WOW, I surprise myself!) Then today is the day. I ride with 2 wonderful other ladies into Wasilla Alaska!


After lunch we meet the rest of the group (15 women total I think!) Then it's off to get our gear. This would have to be my favorite part. I feel so healthy in my gear! See my photo! :) We ended the day by having a fantastic dinner and sitting by the campfire! Life is GOOD! Love you, love me, love you love me!

5.30.12 Mom's Group

Baked bread for group

So, tonight I met with a young mom's group. Just a few of us. We're doing a study on being/ living all that God has intended for us. Tonight's lesson was being an "Heiress". I am having a hard time wrapping my brain around that, but I will continue to pray and find my way into being the "Heiress" I am called to be. I already am one. I don't need to try, I don't have to dress, act, fix my hair and make-up, or decorate my house a certain way. I already am an Heiress. It's like being born Athabascan, nothing makes me more or less. I live it and am blessed. Thanks for reading folks, love you, love me, love you, love me.

5.29.12 A Day with the Hubby

I'm trying not to compare myself to others, when I do that (referring to blog), I tend to not blog. Don't get me wrong, I love to write, love to tell my story. I just tend to get down on myself, then not do it. The whole green house topple for instance, I didn't even go INTO the green house or the yard for that matter today. Just so upset about last night. And tonight a peek at another person's blog and that's got me down about this one. I guess I just see room for improvement? Or I'm a perfectionist? Or I'm a control freak? Something. Honest. That's what I'm being now, so that's got to count for something. I need to get back to my place of confidence in myself and belief that I am good enough, smart enough and doggone-it, people like me. I need to get back to loving me. I lost that. I'm pretty sure I can pinpoint where I place it and I'll pick it back up. In the mean time, I love my short, sweet blogs, love you, love me, love you, love me.

5.20.12 Minto Vacation

I really truly cannot believe I am in Minto. I made this list, my bucket list of sorts, and Minto was on there. For 8 years I have been saying I want to go to Minto in the summer and spend time there. It started out a summer, then 1/2 the summer. I will be here a week (I have my house/ chickens/ garden/ bff's/ sisters/ HUSBAND in North Pole.) So I am here with my kiddos and the dog. My plans are to visit the cemetery and plant a rose bush on my mom's gravesite, cook a few GREAT dinners, work at the cafe, spend time with my kids, run, and enjoy life. I will do this, because I've said for YEARS, and I'm tired of talking and not doing. Life is too short. God has plans for me to love Him, to LIVE for Him, and this is what I will do. I love each of you and am saying a prayer for you tonight. Love you, love me, love you, love me.

5.18.12 Jello and the last day of school

We did it! On so many levels! Bill and I made it through this school year. We made it through Billy's grade school years. Today I made Jello for the all school/ end of the year picnic. Jello for a potluck at Bill's work. I also cooked a fish head. Dinner in my kitchen cooked by me ( I smiled and said a thankful prayer with a smile!) I didn't get to spend as much time as I wanted to at home today, but Bill and I had date night. Grocery shopping this time :) Tomorrow the plan is to head to Minto and spend the week there with the kids. Bill has to work. My hope is for rhubarb and more rhubarb! Maybe a late night baseball game, this time I will play and not just watch! I will bring a good book or two (or borrow one from the lodge). I will make a campfire and smell like smoke afterwards. I will relax and enjoy the village life, I will think of my mom and visit her gravesite. I will spend time with my dad and be patient with my uncles. But mostly, mostly I will LIVE and breathe. Life is... that moment when you realize you haven't looked to see what time it is for more than 4 hours and you don't care... love you, love me, love you, love me. (PS, I just noticed I'm looking to tomorrow and feeling blessed living in this moment!)

5.17.12 Garden Start

Today, I planted in the garden. The same garden that was sad and deprecated and worn out last summer. The garden full of leaves and weeds, the fence post falling. A sad little garden it was. I have brought life back into this garden. I cleaned and cleaned and made new posts (very funny btw, old metal fence posts, old two-by-fours, old mop/ broom handle, another old mop/ broom handle, a river stick ( to help steer the boat), a fancy NEW treated 4x 4, an old tree stump). So yeah my little garden is coming to life in a mishmash of sort of ways. But oh, the new life! The new life! I only want to be outside these days, from the chickens and planting, biking, running, playing in the park! I want to be out enjoying God's warmth and creation, HIS NEW LIFE in me. Love you, love me, love you, love me!

5.16.12 A Cold (Rain) Day and S'mores with the kids

So after constantly moving around my yard and being up and around, I have often thought, I'll slow down on a "rain" day. Today was that day. It wasn't rainy. Just chilly. (Keep reading, my day was actually busier than I planned! :) I'm so anxious about planting my veggies in the garden and green house, but after last months jump and then quick death of all my plants, I'm not so sure I want to jump again. I want them to live to thrive, so I wait patiently. The chickens are doing well. One week and they are doing well, eating growing and seem generally happy. I'm happy with that and say a prayer daily for them to lay eggs. Funny the things I worry about, when I just went through the hardest year of my life. I guess I just want life so bad, in everything. I'm composting and recycling, growing and nurturing. Cancer did this to me, and I have to be thankful. I know rough, cold, rain days will come, they have to. To strengthen us, to grow us. And I say, bring it on. BRING IT ON. (I have stuff to do inside on rain days, just like I have stuff in my heart and life I have to work on.) Blessed and love you, love me, love you, love me.
                AhH! Life outside with my kids this evening! Okay, okay lets rewind a bit... Woke up took Bill to work, kids to school. Came home chores (laundry, dishes) started putting the fence up around the coop, decided to wait on Bill. Let the chicks out for a couple of hours whilst a worked a little. School out early for my kids but I thought I would give my neice and nephew Margaret and Joshua a surprise, because my plan was to pick them up early from school and take them to pick up ducks. I didn't get to do that so, what's the next best thing? Lunch from McDonalds that you can eat during regular lunch. Remember those as kids? My family rarely got those. My dad worked up north and my mom being blind it wasn't the easiest thing for her to get. ( She made the BEST pita bread though! Kids and teachers asked for it at school!) So I took my other kids lunch. Then picked up mine, We ran some errands heard about the excitement of the next school year, still can't believe my baby boy will be going into 7th grade next fall! WHAT? Brought the kids home, went to pick up Bill. Came home for dinner, Moose meat with gravy over rice yum! After dinner put the fence around the coop and then off to a campfire. At one point I found just myself and the kids. I smiles, so happy to have the three of them to myself. We chat about school, friends, whatever. And we cook marshmallows and s'mores. We talk about ants and Minto and growing up. I asked about the summer before and if daddy did this alot with them. Yes, he did, especially at the end of summer. I ask if we'll be tired of s'mores in August. "NO WAY!" vows BJ. Well we'll have to wait and see, but I doubt I could ever forget no less be tired of campfires and smores with my 3 beautiful kids...

5.15.12 Softball?

I can't believe this. I really truely cannot! I played softball this evening. I PLAYED softball. Now first of all, anyone who knows me, knows that I'm not an outdoors/ sports type of person. I like camping with the family a few times every summer. I liked cheering in high school, (Minto school, so it wasn't like formal or anything), I also enjoyed biking around University West in grade school. But NO sports for me. I don't even like to watch them on TV. Bill on the other hand, very athletic, loves anything that has to do with sports, hunting, fishing whatever. So last winter as I lay in bed all summer I got one of those crazy "Rhonda" thoughts in my head. Now again for those that know me well, I get ideas and LOVE to plan the elaborate details in my head then jump ship about 3 seconds into it. Anyhoo, back to softball. So I get this idea, I could play softball. I've watched enough, I've even kept score in Minto for baseball games. I could do this. I could play with Bill and we could go every week and bring the kids and, and, and. So then I find myself (MYSELF) walking out onto the field where I know one person (my bff Loren) and I'm trying to catch this crazy ball from the air. I'm hitting it with a bat (I LOVE the sound of the CRAAACK!)! and I'm doing this. Mind you my first practice, three seconds in might be in three weeks, but still I said I would and I am. I'm meeting new people, I'm out of the house and I am LIVING! Life is...that moment when the softball hits the metal bat and craaaack, I hit the ball for the first time in...years. Love you, love me, love you, love me.

5.14.12 Another Cookout?

So after literally 4 nights of cookouts, tonight a night off. I had to call my sister and say, "you're not coming over for the cookout?"
So tonight, the chicken coop is bothering me. I really want a fence around it and get this thing going. I've been outside most of the day cleaning the garden. Billy and I fixed the fence, this crazy thing has like 12 posts and only 2 sets of them are the same. Too funny, but at the end of a sweaty, dirty day, I feel like I've worked and that's all that matters. That and I can look out my window and smile. I cried this morning as I look out there. I am so proud of how far God as brought me. HE did this, cause there's no way I could've done it alone. I spent many days in bed, wishing I could be out in my garden and today I was and how blessed I feel. Love you, love me, love you, love me.

5.13.12 Spiritually Struggling

So, I know when I started this I promised myself I was going to be honest, with my past, my present and how I feel. So first, some of my posts I actually put in at a later date, but remain true to my feelings at the time. Secondly, I miss a few of my friends that are no longer at my church. I know things change, people change, people move. I know that I too must change and move. It's just difficult to grow and change and feel discouraged at things around me that are not moving at the pace I think or want. It then occurred to me, what if God wants me to have more than one friend? What if God's plans are for me to wait on the Lord? I struggle with going to church without having someone to touch base with outside of church. All of these feelings of missing my friends (whom are also mothers) and on Mother's Day make me feel a little craptastic. I have to say I am very blessed to have sisters who live so very close and I am able to lean to them.
I feel a leaning towards needing to be friends with those who I fellowship with outside of Sunday mornings. But I think my I need to put myself out there and stop expecting others to come to my rescue. So I will put myself out there and I will show myself to be friendly and I will do it in God's timing. This, all in all means, if you are my friend outside of church and you are looking for a church, I'm looking for more "church friends". Come to my church, sit by me. I need you, it's not so much about me wanting you to come to church to be churched, but me wanting you to come to church and know that you will have a friend. Love you, love me, love you, love me.
          

4.13.12 Check

Today is the 13th. My 38th birthday is in two short months. I am under 40, I breast fed both my kids. I haven't smoked in 10 years. I don't do drugs or drink. I was diagnosed last year at the age of 36 with breast cancer. Let me say that again, I was diagnosed last year at the age of 36 with BREAST CANCER. On the day of your birthday, every month, check. Just takes a minute in the shower. I did. It helped me save my life. My lump grew from about the size of a quarter to the size of baseball in FOUR months. Another 2 months, I truely believe my cancer would've spread. It is only by GOD'S GRACE and a still small voice that said, check. I did. And here I am 1 year and 4 months later. I have one chemo round to go. ONE. I don't know what my future holds, but I know that today I am loved. TODAY I am here and God's love surrounds me. Friends, check and remind all of the women in your life to check. I love you. Love you, love me, love you, love me.

4.6.12 The Blessing

So, getting ready to fly home. Missed the flight. Good conversation. I see a Priest, Catholic? Roman Catholic? I'm not sure, nor am I picky. I feel the need, whatever need, to go up to him and ask for a Blessing. He blesses me, cross on my forehead. I pause. Blessed on Good Friday. Blessed indeed.

3.31.12 Date Night

hmm, I MUST be a foodie. Halibut Ceviche, Artichoke Dip and crackers, Crab with Mushroom Risotto and Greens and Creme Brulee! Delish!
Oh my! The company was great too I must admit. It's so nice to spend an evening with my husband taking as long as we want to eat talking about whatever is floating in the air. He lets me be me. I am blessed. As I come closer to my one year anniversary of my diagnosis I wonder what it will be like, how I will feel and how I will celebrate this milestone. But for today I am glad to celebrate today. I love you Bill! And the rest of you... love you, love me, love you, love me.

3.29.12 Past Today

Sometimes, I allow myself to think past today. Like when a commercial comes on and says, "Please tell your doctor..." and I think, for the rest of my life instead of saying I have breast cancer, or I had breast cancer, I will say I am a ____ year survivor. :) My good thought for the day. Today was another up/ down day physically. I was thinking about negitivity and how sometimes I can see just the negitive posts and other times I don't even let them bother me. I don't ever try and tell people how to feel. Each person is going to feel differently about different circumstances and that's okay. I think that combined with the fact that I don't like confrontation. I am still bothered by the folks who said I was a drama queen sometime ago. Wonder why this is rearing it's ugly head now? I am who I am. I have what I have. I'm going to be positive and spread smiles, no matter how crappy I feel, but if I feel crappy I will seek out someone who can take the crap and let me, be me. If you could also remind me to not waste too much time being angry... :) Love you, love me, love you, love me

3.27.12 The Ugly Crash

Sorry to be so gruesome. But it wasn't pretty folks. Thus "Ugly" in the title. I started my day as any other. EVERY day no matter how little energy I have, if it's a weekday, I get up. I get Lelly going (truth be told, she gets me going). Cereal and Juice. I run the dishwasher. I run the washer/ dryer. I pick up odds and ends around the house. I sometimes watch a little TV, sometimes crafts, (depending on the energy level). On good days a school lesson with Elizabeth (she's preschool so colors/ shapes that kinda thing). Today was the on-the-way up day.
Yesterday was a complete... no energy day. After my morning routine, I baked oatmeal cookies. I was so hungry for oatmeal and Billy asked over a month ago for chocolate chip cookies. So I forced myself to get up. As soon as they got done I parked myself on the couch. I mean I just laid there. Barely could watch TV. Just laying there staring into space, praying in my head. Bless my little dog stayed by me. Bless little Elizabeth kept asking me to talk. Bless the cat for laying beside me when the dog was outside. Then the kids came home, bless them, I just said I have to take a nap. I dozed off for a few minutes but then found myself laying staring into space again. I enjoy hearing noise at times, kids, TV, whatever. So I parked back out in the living room. There I lay all evening. The highlight of my evening was local news. Our "Anchorman" Darryl. I saw him in the grocery store the other day I asked him how many times he gets the I know YOU from somewhere look... He just laughed and said "too many times". After I asked I thought I wonder how many times he gets ASKED that. lol. So I smiled watching the news. Gotta love the small town Alaska.
Fast forward to today. Today after chores, after a little TV, cupcake Tuesday. I bake the cupcakes. Then I crash mentally/ emotionally. It's the..."I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. I don't think I can do this".

We've ALL had that moment. It's not suicidal. It's not I can't go on physically. It's mental and emotional. It's I need to be hugged. I need someone to tell me I can do this. I know I can I just need to hear it. The marathon runner around mile ____. The addict whose given up the addiction. The mom who REALLY does need CALGON. The cancer patient in the fight for their life. You get the story, you've been there. So as I'm laying there in a heap of tears wondering why no one is calling me or I can't seem to pick up the phone. I pick up the phone and take a picture. I am you. You are me. We are ALL in this together. Male, female, weak or strong, happy or sad, we are in this together and I want YOU to know you are loved. I want YOU to know I am praying for you. The man I met for a minute or two on the airplane, the friends I've had since high school (since ELEMENTARY school), past co-workers, best friends, one-time friend/enemies, sisters and people I only know through others...I am praying for you just as you are praying for me. Love you, love me, love you, love me.

3.25.12 Sunday Night

It's the evening day 7. Emotionally going through it all. I miss my mom so much. I miss just calling her. Telling her about my day, my kids, my life. So tonight I will go into the throne room. I will touch the very hem of His garment. I am sad, I am down, I don't feel heard.I have been in bed all day. By this I MEAN ALL DAY. This chemo drug that I'm on, one of the side effects is, if I am scratched or bruised it takes awhile for it to heal. So the other day I yelled. Yes, yelled... and I believe I hurt my vocal cords in there somewhere. So last night a wonderful night and Birthday party for my daughter. If you have ever been to a Bauchmann girl's party, there is always LOTS of noise, laughter, dancing and general noise! So this did not help my vocal cords. So today I spent the day in bed. Looking back I reflect exactly WHY I stayed in bed, when it was just a scratched throat. But the day is pretty much done and I'm feeling down about it. Regretful I guess. But I won't allow myself to be for more than today. The awesome thing about having choices, is that we can CHOOSE to change our attitude about the day at ANY time during the day. I can choose tonight at *whatever time* that I will turn it around. I choose to live a life with God in it, and this means I can feel sad, down, or not heard, but then I can go into the very throne room, touch the hem of his garment and my attitude will change. It will change because I choose for it to change.
For a second thought this evening, as I was eating dinner, Elizabeth would not sit still and eat. The other kids had eaten and found their places in the house to settle. Lelly had not. So I told a story. I said a quick prayer and the story of Zacchaeus emerged. I am a story teller. I love especially to spin, weave and elaborate to stories to children. They are easy to tell stories to, for me. They sit in wonder, ask questions, and generally are very honest. She sits question after question. I tell her I cannot tell the story if she is talking. So she stops and I begin. As I elaborate and spin and weave, her little mind begins to turn. I can see the questions in her face and I elaborate more.
Zacchaeus was a little man. He was about this big I show her with my hands. He was a man, like daddy only very short. Jesus was visiting his town. He wanted so badly to see Jesus. There were lots and lots and lots of people all crowding around to see Jesus, but Zacchaeus couldn't see Jesus. (I had Bill stand in front of me and I crouched down.) Zacchaeus jumped and tried and tried and tried, but he couldn't see Jesus. So then he saw a tree and he wanted to see Jesus soooo bad, he climbed that tree. When Jesus looked up He saw Zacchaeus. "Zacchaeus, you come down, right now! For I'm going to your house today." And Jesus went to Zacchaeus house.
Elizabeth filled with wonder and awe then asked "He picked Zacchaeus house to go to?"
PROFOUND.
We search, we look, we wait, we strain to see. We even (at the risk of embarrassment and safety) climb a tree and after all of this...HE PICKS US. If we know anything about Zacchaeus, he was the chief tax collector, a generally "bad" guy. He likes no one, no one likes him. He risks embarrassment and the safety of image, climbs a tree, CLIMBS a tree and Jesus says, "Hey you, I'm going to stay at YOUR house". Jesus later says, "I came not just for the righteous (church going, tithe paying, generally "good") people, but I came to seek out the LOST. How blessed I am to be one of the lost. Today, I climbed a tree and just as I thought I was going to fall, HE picks me. Blessed I tell ya!
Love you, love me, love you, love me

3.22.12 Thursday

Feeling very nostalgic today. From songs Bon Jovi's "I'll Be There For You", to an Elmo movie/ documentary. Days I watch documentaries, are just notaligic days. (and I watched this before I went to bed). I've probably mentioned this a time or two, Wed and Thursdays I pick up my kids, but today, couldn't get outta bed this morning to take my husband to work, just too tired. So I ended up staying home and catching up on laundry. I heard a song recently about how whatever job we do we should do as if it's God's job for us. So for today, His job for me was to do laundry. By the way I keep wanting to type laughing. Maybe I should've just laid around laughing today. The Elmo laugh. You know which one I'm talking about. You can hear it now in your head and you are smiling. I made you SMILE! I love making people smile! Love you, love me, love you, love me.

3.21.12 Alanon Lessons

I started going to Al-Anon a few years ago. My life was in shambles due to alcohol. I couldn't seem to gain control of it and heard about Al Anon. (I read about meetings in the newspaper). I went for over a year weekly and since have come and gone, same Wednesday meeting. I have met people who love me for me and let me process thoughts, feelings and emotions I have whether they have to do with Alcohol or not. Lately I have been thinking about my past, those people in my past and present in which I need to forgive or simply need to be forgiven from. I don't want to look at others and simply see the wrong they have/ are doing. I want to see my part in it and if I don't have a part, if others are doing wrong to me. I said today, I fall into old habits and patterns, because I am tired. But God says His yoke is easy and his burden is light. I will sacrifice what needs to be given, all if need be. So that I can be better, whole. I won't do it for me, or my kids or family or anyone, but for the will of God. I want to keep focused on the will of God, He is my strong tower! I already am physically tired and to be angry at anyone, just drains me mentally and emotionally. This includes myself. I can lay around all day being angry at myself for something I may or may not have said to someone else to make them angry. Letting go. Letting God. This also pertains to allowing God to work in others while I step outta the way. I would love to the the conductor/ administrator of those around me directing them which way to go how to go about it. But the truth is I really would just be doing it to get my way in their life. God knows them so much better than I do and can fix them much better than I can, so Letting go, Letting God. I will also admit I love to look around and see what a more wonderful job HE is doing, then I could have ever done. PS,one last though, what if I am here, fighting Breast Cancer, not becasue of anything I have or not have done, but what if I am here simply as a tool for God to get a message to someone....I'm okay with this. I am. I want to do His will I want him to know I am up for it and I love him and know that he will never leave me or forsake me. Us me Lord, for your glory, honor and praise! I love you LORD. Okay, okay love you, love me, love you, love me.

3.19.12 Tuesday Home again 2 rounds left

Ah, home again! Another whirlwind trip to Anchorage, thankful to go, yet thankful to be home! Today was spent chemo for about an hour and half or so, NO BLOOD draw, I've been doing so well on this drug, I didn't have to see the doctor, only come for the infusion. :) This make me and my dad very happy! Afterwards I got to meet up with a friend whom I met at the Alaska Native Medical Hospital. Got to meet her princess and play, somewhat at Bouncing Bears... :)Things you would never thing possible, are now POSSIBLE! I am so blessed for the people God has put in my life little hugs and kisses from God himself. "Hey Rhonda, I love you! Here's __________to show you. THANKS GOD! A trip I wasn't sure I wanted to make, I am so glad that I did. I ended up catching a flight within an hour of being at the the airport. :) BLESSED!

3.17.12 Mimi's Birthday

Funny how I will title my blogs, type what's on my mind then change the title... :) So today a family gathering. I have 2 sisters and 1 brother, (all younger) and there are 13 grandkids total, and family gatherings are FUN! Loud and fun! Today a niece's birthday, a "Hello Kitty" birthday. Tomorrow another Birthday. My daughter's birthday. How quickly they grow! When I started out on this journey, I did not allow "cannot" or "won't"  or "will not" to be a part of my vocabulary. I know I will make every birthday, milestone, holiday, and event in my kids and my nieces and nephews lives. I will grow old to see them grow old. If the Lord doesn't come for His church first. I love all of these kids so much. My brother and sister's kids are like my own. I have cousins that I am also really close to and they are my brothers and sisters. I guess it's just been the way we have grown up. My aunt and uncle are my second mom and dad. We all care for each other and take care of each other and tonight I am thankful for them! I postponed my next chemo appointment until Monday. I fly out tomorrow and into Anchorage for chemo Monday then home Monday night. Looking forward to seeing my nurses! Pictures to come soon! Lots of love to all of you. Love you, love me, love you, love me!

3.16.12 My mom's Bread

"Another day in bed... today a mental/emotional day. Challenging. If you watch one Youtube video, this one was practically written for me..."
So that was my facebook post from earlier today. I got off my rear and turned the day around. I laid in bed for a few minutes had a good cry, then thought of my mom. When we were kids, my mom would often bake bread. I mean my mom was the best bread baker I knew. This was before bread machines and "Kitchen Aide" mixers, she would knead and knead. Then as she let the bread rise, she would go to her room close the door. When the bread was mysteriously doubled in size she would come out of the room, vigorously punch the dough down and knead and knead. My mom was about 5'1", the dinner table was too high for her to knead the dough, so more often then not she would put the bowl of dough on the floor and knead the dough in the bowl on her knees. As kids it never failed that would we would ask and ask and ask to help. She rarely let us, for at least 10 minutes she would knead that dough. I always wondered why it was so rare that we were allowed to help. When I got into High School, I remember learning in Home Economics class about raw eggs and meat and just thought that must be the reason. Now to complete understand this, you must understand that my mother was blind and we (my brother, sisters and I) all learned how to cook from my mother. We would read the recipe and she would tell us what to do. Or she would simply tell us how to do things or show us. This was for EVERYTHING. From a very young age I remember cooking. I baked my first cookies at age 5 or 6 (ask my dad about oatmeal cookies and baking soda...).So I found it very hard to understand why it was I wasn't allowed to knead bread ALL the time. Then one day in Minto, a very quiet day, everyone had gone to Fairbanks or to potlatch somewhere... The village was quiet. One of those times where it was my mom, us girls, Eric, my uncles, Uncle Chuck, Aunty Cheryl and the Health Aide. My mom told me her secret. Her secret bread recipe. She told me that when she got lonesome, when it was quiet and when she really wished, REALLY wished she could see so she could drive to where everyone was at, she baked bread. She had cried to God, prayed and prayed and God told her to bake bread, to keep busy, to do something. There wasn't much she could do being blind to change her situation or her circumstance, but she could pray and she could bake bread. So as she kneaded the bread, her silent prayers went up. Thinking back now I can hear her praying as she kneaded and kneaded. Then the time came to let it rise. She would go into her room and close the door. (When my mom closed her door we KNEW not to knock, not to bother.) That is when her prayers rose as well. I know now she closed that door and the prayers went up. She would come out punch down the dough like a prayer warrior punching the lights outta the devil himself. My mom made the best bread. Today, I laid in bed for a few minutes I cried, I felt lonesome wishing to go to the meetings and potlatches and dances, I missed my mom and made bread. It was the best bread...It was my mom's bread recipe.