12.27.11 My Testimony part 1

It was February, early February, I had been in a very long relationship with a man and after several years this winter was taking it's toll on our relationship. More importantly, I could feel the work of God in my life this winter and as this winter was slowing giving way to spring, like the snow, my heart was preparing to melt towards God. I could feel in my heart after almost 3 years this was not me. It was not the relationship for me. My mom had asked me to drive her and some of my aunties to Anchorage for "church" services. I agreed because it was ANCHORAGE and it was a break from my life and I needed a break! I also agreed because at the time my two younger sisters were living in Anchorage studying together at Bible College, and I so desperately missed them! I drove my mom and aunties to church and midday Bible classes and looking back I believe I even attended a few of these classes. At one of the evening services my life took a dramatic change. I could feel a yearning for something more. I could feel a wanting a change, I wanted something, what? what? At an alter call I decided I would only go up if someone urged me. Now if you ask me when I recieved Christ as my personal savior I would say I without hesitation when I was about 6 I remember listening to a record Tammy Faye Bakker a kid's record. I asked about God and growing up in a Christian home my mother explained to me the importance of accepting Christ as your Savior and how there would come a time when I would not get to heaven based on her life and her salvation. At 6 I understood and with my mother leading me into the sinner's prayer, I accepted Jesus. Fast forward 17 years I had been through my defiant teenage years and partying young adult years. I had a car, a man, college, a job, friends. Everything a young 20 year old needed, but I was missing something. The alter call came, I waited nervous and actually praying someone would call me out. Someone would point to me say, "YOU need to come up here". YOU need a life change. YOU need something different. Someone did. A youth pastor looked me in the eye, pointed directly at me and motioned me to come forward. I wanted to, I didn't want to. My feet moved one in front of the other. I could hear my mom and sisters crying in the background. What, WHAT was I doing? Was this for real? Were people watching? But wasn't I already saved? Did I fall away? When? What am I doing? What am I giving up? Will I be able to keep my car, my relationship? my friends? Could I still drink and party? I didn't have very much time to think of the answers and at this point, I couldn't care, I was too tired of caring. I just wanted someone else to take over and be the answer to my life. I don't remember the sermon, I don't remember the prayer. I only remember falling, falling. I heard my aunty praying for me. I heard prayers and laughing (beautiful laughing, not mocking). I felt, felt like I was being lifted. I saw an image, a woman, a very sick woman dressed in rags, filthy. I saw a crowd and she was crawling through the crowd. The crowd was focused on something, someone. They pushed and shoved, the noise the shuffling. She continued to crawl on her hands and knees. Then there in front of her a man a white robe, she reaches and the crowd moves and she misses. She crawls again reaches and misses. "If I can only touch His clothes, that's all I need to touch His clothes." She reaches and her hand brushes her garment. She can FEEL it. She is whole. She isn't sick, she isn't dirty or filthy. She is whole and beautiful and LOVED. The man stops, the crowd stops. He turns and looks at, ME. I am made whole.
Did everything fall away at once? Did my life change dramatically in that instance? Yes and no. Spiritually something in me changed, physically well, did I go back to my lifestyle? More on what happens next...

Love you, love me, love you, love me

12.25.11 CHRISTmas

As I snuggle into my bed this Christmas night, I realize I have so very much to be thankful for! First for my LORD and SAVIOR born this day. Without Him, I would haven't made it one day, one good day or bad or in between. I have made it, 8 months and 4 days from my diagnosis. I have felt good, bad, ugly, beautiful, unloved, loved, alone, and crowded, high and low. And through ALL of this I have been held in the very palm of God's own hand. Second on this Christmas night I thank God for my husband and my kids. I told Bill tonight, you have been my strength, an instrument of God. I love him so much, words...words are just words when I want to express. He has held me up and grounded me, he has protected me and listened to every cry (good and bad). He has guided and sheltered his family in the very wings God gave him. I want to say I love you to Billy, Olivia and Elizabeth. I know NO OTHER children stronger than them. They have loved me through the storm and showed me what a great mom I am, because of what GREAT children they are. Billy you take care of me so much and answer to my every need when I was so very sick! Olivia you encourage me with your words everyday whether I am weak or strong, YOU make me feel so VERY strong and able to fight this fight! Elizabeth, my little Lelly, you have given me a mother's heart and love! You have shown me patience and FUN. You have shown me God's love in your little hands and arms with your hugs! My dad, my dad, my dad, I am BRAVE, because YOU are brave. I only know bravery by seeing it in you! You let me cry and hold it all in for me. I heard once how we see our earthly fathers can shape how we see our HEAVENLY Father, and how I see my Heavenly Father in you! Eric, I know you are there for me and I am so very grateful for the life you live and the joy you bring! Candy, Rachelle, and Sarah, sisters, thankful for allowing me to share and giving me the joy of my neices and nephews! (Props to your hubbies too!) Cristina, God has brought us together and I am so happy to be a living testimony in our relationship of HIS unending love! Okay, okay, getting there! My facebook friends, Sarah, Mindy, Paul, Kathleen, Adam, Mary, Justeena, Tera, Candace, Kristina, Scott, Jeremy, Melissa,Mel, Colleen, Dave and the other 400 of you... I wish I could tell you in words, on my worst day I would log on, and there YOU were going through this with me! To Kim, Kristy, and Wendy, we found each other, because of cancer! Cancer made us friends and we will be FOREVER friends! I love you my Church. YOU have been the instrument of upholding me with unseen arms and prayers that have ENTERED the very throne room of God. You have fed my family, cleaned my home, cared for my children and held me in the biggest of all hugs EVERYDAY! I LOVE YOU. And to my Minto family, your love has been felt and I have heard your very cries for me, and YOU WILL BE BLESSED. THIS I KNOW, GOD HAS SOMETHING BIG PLANNED FOR YOU, WATCH AND WAIT AND WORK! I have so many others you pray on a daily basis, thank you! This is my Merry Christmas to you. To all of you. To those who read once in awhile and those who read each and every post, I love you, God Bless you and Merry Christmas!

12.20.11 Grey's Anatomy

So, day two, 3 + miles! I tend to want to start my health kicks all out, nutrition, exercise, all of it. Full blown. But last year when I lost 30+ pounds I did things a little differently. I started to kick one bad habit, then another and another and added some good things like exercise, etc. So, this time around, I kicked coffee about 3 weeks ago. Then diet coke, sweets and now I'm walking. One step at a time. I hope the Holidays don't knock me off schedule. But since I have to go into radiology everyday, I figure afterwards I can go to the Big Dipper and walk around. It's nice. Today was "Senior Day". It was nice to see so many people getting exercise :). Didn't cook dinner tonight, but took a look at our Christmas menu and will attempt it this year. My brother will be joining us this year and that will (and has) helped so much. I love having him around! Okay. So I'm doing good, smiling, and finding a way to praise, it gets easier the more you do it! In the family news, I have two kiddos on the verge of teenagehood. : / Seriously. I also have started watching Grey's Anatomy and am currently watching back episodes on Netflix. I also have been thinking about starting another life list, or adding to my old one. Keep an eye out for that one! Christmas, almost here...love you, love me, love you, love me.

12.19.11~2 miles

Okay! I am sooo tired, this may not be a very lengthy blog tonight folks. I'm doing good. I am. Rads tire, I mean WEAR me out! Over the weekend I slept 14 hours Friday night and about the same Saturday night. Today I started my third week of rads and a visit with my Radiology Oncologist. I am on orders to start walking or moving my body so I don't sleep too much. So I did. I left radiation and walked. I walked about 2 miles or about an hour. I left there went to Fred Meyers to pick up a gift, and to Bill's work so he could drive me home. Came home and rested, no sleep, just relaxed. Made dinner, first time in over a month! YIPPEE! Moose meat with gravy and rice over noodles. It was soo good! I also cleaned up the kitchen a bit, visited with my brother! Ah, what a great brother I have! And now a few minutes before I close my eyes. I am doing well. Not sick, just a little tired, but in a couple of days, we start gaining daylight. Life is Good, God is good. Love you, love me, love you, love me!

12.13.11 Little update

Okay, so after 10 minutes of typing my life out... erased! Ugg! Okay, so I made it home yesterday (Monday). Scheduled to come home Sunday but all afternoon/ evening flights out of Anchorage delay/ cancelled due to weather. I finally made it out yesterday around 3PM.  I had a fantastic weekend with my sister-in-law, shopping, food, movies and hanging out at the hotel room. Ah, I absolutely LOVED it! Infusion went great. I had radiation Friday morning, flew to Anchorage Friday afternoon headed straight for the hospital and into a chair in the infusion room. My (non-chemo) drug takes 30 minutes infusion, but with vitals, meds, set-up and waiting for the infusion drug it takes about 2 hours, which isn't bad (think 3 or 4 days a week @ 6-8 hours a day, THAT is long I ADMIRE you friends who do it!!!). Right after infusion I had my echo-cardiogram and it looked good. Herceptin is doing it's job and my ticker is ticking. :) Friday night shopping, Saturday shopping and movies. Sunday shopping and after a nice visit with friends at the airport :) back to the hotel to relax and wait for another flight Monday. Flew home Monday, got into Fairbanks and headed straight for radiation. This morning dropped off Bill, kiddos and back to radiation. I have learned a little about my doctor and grown to appreciate him and his staff, again, wonderful people! Bill said it best when he said "He has you in his best interest." (meaning my doctor, and I truly do believe this after meeting my doctor) I am learning to love and let people in, which for me is monumental! I know I may seem irritated if people call, but I truly love you and want you in my life! Today was a fabulous day! I dropped my niece off at school, dropped a slice of cake off to my nephew for his birthday (LOVE YOU ANG!), picked up my kids from school, picked up Bill's early Christmas gift ( I could never give enough to the man whose given me strength, hope and love when I felt I had none!) spent wonderful time with my kids, eating a snack and picked up my Elizabeth! "I love you when you pick me up mom!" Ah! I have never thought of myself as a person who looks at the little things but all of these things I am so grateful for! I'm not sure how much more Christmas shopping I will be able to do, or visiting, so I am grateful for today. I also am not sure how much more I will be able to pick my kids up from school, but I have been praying for a week to be able to! The reality of the situation is, no ONE has tomorrow promised to them, so enjoy the small things. Enjoy your nieces and nephews! Enjoy Fred Meyer ONE more time! Enjoy doing a load of laundry, or picking up your kids from school! Enjoy family and friends! These things are far more valuable than all the money and time in the world! Love you, love me, love you, love me!

12.8.11 A day like no other, so far...:)

So here I sit, my day FILLED like no other. I have gone through every emotion possible today. And I did it with God. Radiation day 4 of 37. But I won't look at numbers. As I sat here earlier...wait, let's back up. Radiation day 4, a good radiation day. They have WARM blankets,(I want a blanket toaster/microwave for Christmas...) my tech told me my doctor ran, RAN, that made me smile. Things are going much better. I let it go and now...God is so amazing. He gives us love when we ask... I then headed over to the clinic for my blood draw. Props go out to Vanessa my wonderful nurse over there! Bill brought me home. I wanted to stop at my sisters but alas didn't mention to Bill before it was too late. Got home did a couple of small chores, sat in bed read through facebook, had a good cry, prayed God would be with me. I felt so alone. I tried calling a couple of people before I realized God wanted me to call Him. I did. I cried. I missed my mom and just wanted a hug. It was then I felt, FELT my head on my heavenly father's shoulder. I wiped my tears, put on a movie and relaxed. After the movie I finished the load of laundry, sat in bed, read through facebook and had a good, a GOOD cry. A thankful cry. A cry of thankfulness. I had my God here today, no one else and He blessed me. I made it through a day like no other. There was nothing special about today, other than the fact that it was just me and God. And I found myself to be content in that.

"I have learned to live with much and I have learned to live with little. In any and all things I have learned the secret of being content-wether well-fed or hungry, wether in abundance or in need. I'am able to do all things through Him who strengthens me." Phil 4:12-13

What a totally new refreshing lesson for me. I always thought this scripture had to do with money or finances or materialist things... but today it meant a day like no other, yet a day almost (ALMOST) no different then any other. How was YOUR day? Love you, love me, love you, love me.

12.7.11 Reaching Out

I have been determine to blog my mind, and sometimes that's hard to do. But I am determined to do it, so here (hear) it is. It's been months since we've been to church. The message "I do things I don't want to do". I thought about not making it to church. But then the second part, acceptance. Accepting God's forgiveness. He's forgiven me and I need to accept that. I don't get a lot of calls, maybe because people don't want to bother me? But I'm finding this so hard to understand. Just the way I'm sure God is waiting for me to "call" Him. I want others to call to check on me, I want text messages to say hello. If I don't answer, it's cause I'm not home or I can't. I need others to care about me. My church family. Blessed. They have been feeding my family (no, really FEEDING us food), for the last couple of months. Showing love. And Bill and I are learning to receive. Bill said something earlier. God is teaching us when to ask and who to ask. For so many people out there who ask, what can I do. Call me! Text me! Send me a message on facebook. Ask me about my diagnosis, how I'm doing. During a fundraiser that was held when I was first diagnosed, I had a few friends ask, ASK about my breast cancer, what kind, how I found it, what my treatment was going to be. How I felt about it. I also had a friend just sit and cry. She told me how afraid she was to come see me, how hard it was for her to face...it. Cancer. These people meant the world to me! This showed me how much you care! I'm sorry if all I ever talk about is cancer, if you don't want to hear about it, tell me, tell me it's hard to hear about it, to talk about it (I don't know unless you say something). I know there are those out there who will be unable to contact me, it's just too much for you. I still love you. I still think about you and I can only pray that we will be joined together in a world without cancer, without icky feelings of doubt or fear. But those of you who know and who are able, I am reaching out...are you? Love you, love me, love you, love me.

12.3.11 Missing my kitchen

So, I know I spent the majority of my summer blogging about food. Ah, and how grateful I am to taste food now! (Chemo would do a number on my taste-buds every round...) I now have those beloved taste-buds! So a little more history... this last week has been a doozer. I had a terrible cold and just was DOWN! I was talking to a friend of mine and had an epiphany (she helped). God is changing me, as a parent. What I thought in the past that made a "good" parent, today is different. I thought carpooling and cooking and cleaning made a "good" parent. I thought I NEEDED to do these things in order to be the parent that God wants me to be. But my perspective on what kind of parent He wants me to be looks different. WHAT does it look like?  I know that I am parenting from my bed, I read books, watch TV shows, snuggle, TALK and am a totally different parent. I guide (cause yelling from bed gets OLD real quick). I am teaching my kids to clean (and eventually cook), and care for themselves and each other. I am proud of the parent I am becoming. Okay so tonight I was going to blog about food and not being able to cook. Cooking is one of my passions. I love creating in my kitchen. I love trying new recipes, and adding to tried and true. I love taking pictures and posting reviews. I love to watch Bill enjoy my creations. In this last year, before my diagnosis, I started writing down some of my recipes and was going to start a blog. But my parenting has changed. My job descrition is the same, my location and how I will do my job will is different. I am okay with that, remembering that God determines who I am not what I do, who I know or how I do it is what I am suppose to do. Love you, love me, love you, love me.

12.1.11 Stir Crazy

So my "cabin fever" got me... I ventured out today. Walmart, Alaska Raw Fur, McDonalds and Freddies. I am beat! My throat isn't hurting as bad, so that's good. What I was surprised at was that I still have a lack of energy and I wasn't as upbeat. Normally on my good days when I'm out I'm singing really loud in the car and just FULL of energy. I was so happy today, yet just didn't have the ENERGY to sing or dance. It felt so weird and so SAD! I refuse to let this get me down though. I won't WILL NOT get depressed over this! It's too easy with all the meds and chemo and cancer to get depressed so I WILL NOT! I so wanted to stop by and see friends/ family, but didn't want their babies to get sick! Plus I only had an hour and half to run errands and try and visit. Maybe tomorrow. It's suppose to warm up to 30' Sunday. Heat wave! Blessed to have warmer weather and even more blessed for family and friends! Love you, love me, love you, love me!

11.29.11 Terrible head cold

and sore throat. Coughing. So today I was suppose to start radiation. Yesterday was the day they made sure teir markers are/were correct. I've already started out on the wrong foot with my radiologist and his staff and now this. I am telling you this is the worst I've felt in a loooong time. Mentally, physically, emotionally, just drained! I'm scared to death of radiation. I think it's because I'm not in control. I have to do this everyday for 7.5 weeks. No stopping, no skipping. This is so hard for me. I've been told horror stories about radiation and it just scares the crap outta me. The stuff about it burning my skin not sleeping at night. Not feeling very strong about this one. All of that on top of the fatigue. I already am tired, how much more tired can I be? CRAP. I guess we'll just have to wait and see. Thank you all for listening. I'm going to make it through this because of all of you. When I write, I write to you and to myself. I write because I know someone is listening, somewhere and if someone is listening, I have to keep on. So they can hear my WHOLE story. Not just the ups. Not just the downs. The scary parts, the interesting parts and the boring parts. I love you all. Love you, love me, love you, love me.

PS Rads start next Monday. A HUGE thank you to Dr. W for standing up to Dr. S for me. He was trying to make me come in tomorrow with this crappy cold. This is the first Dr.(S) I'm having trouble with. Keep me in your prayers folks...Rads will be in Fairbanks. Still chemo (Herceptin) every three weeks in Anchorage.

11.24.11 Thanksgiving!

As I sit here and type, I take a long drink from a cold bottle of water, full on a Thanksgiving FEAST, listening to my son play xbox, and husband cleaning the carpet. I am BLESSED. Cancer took my tastebuds for a moment. Cancer took friends and scared some away, but more CAME into my life. Cancer took my hair, but I learned the beauty I have inside is worth more than all the hair in the world. Cancer sends me away from my kids every 3 weeks, but I am oh so happy to see them when I get home. Cancer told me my marriage couldn't last, but it has made it stronger! Cancer drained me of my energy and has made me feel weak, but I have learned, when I am weak, HE IS MADE STRONGER! Cancer has not taken me down but lifted me to places I never dreamed possible.


Love you, love me, love you, love me

11.19.11 Saturday Post

So one day + after core biopsy. Doing great. Feeling good, although my sleeping medicine was changed last night and that didn't help last night asleep at 1:00A, up at 3:A, back asleep at about 4A and up at 9A. So tonight? back to the old meds? Not sure. But spirits are up! Looking forward to getting back to working out and being a mom. I was told I will have a "new normal" and I'm looking forward to that. Today I didn't think about cancer, and I thank my dad for that. For taking me out and I forgot I had cancer. :) Looking forward tomorrow and Sunday in Anchorage. Love you, love me, love you, love me!

11.18.11 Surgery for Biopsy

First let me say I am in a fantastic (!) mood. I'm glad that ones over with. Also, every time I type, think or say Biopsy, I think of  "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" where the aunt says Bee-op, bee-ups, how you say Bee-" and the girl says "Biopsy..." makes me smile anyhow. So tonight good. I had my surgery, two samples taken from 2 lumps. It will probably be a week or two, and that's okay with me. I'm just glad to have that one over with. I know I will need another to remove the breast, I just want to be EVEN! ha, I make myself smile. Okay so this is to let you all know I'm doing fine! Love you, love me, love you, love me.

11.17.11 Night before Surgery

Hi folks, still in the game! I've been here at ANMC, with limited Internet access, so therefore unable to posts updates. I go in tomorrow for a surgery/ biopsy. If the results are positive I will have another mastectomy sooner than later. If the results are negative I will still move for another mastectomy but it could be later (January after radation). This is my choice. I don't want to be "thinking" I feel another lump every couple of months and rushing down here to Anchorage. I'm doing good have a positive, upbeat attitude and am meeting a lot of folks here in Anchorage, storing up my treasures in heaven... :) My surgery is set for 10:45 AM, please keep me in your prayers and I'll do the same! Love you, love me, love you, love me!

11.16.11 Wednesday Doctors Appts

First of all let me say, I love ANMC. I love the staff from the doctors, nurses, pharmacy to the kitchen and housekeeping. Each and every person takes such good care of me! I met with my doctors, Dr. Stange from surgery and Dr. Smiley, my oncologist. Dr. Stange said my mammogram and ultra sound came out NEGITIVE! yes Thank you GOD! Our God is so big! Dr. Stange also said he felt very good about the results and what he saw. He didn't think there was anything to be concerned about! I am so thankful! I will have surgery for a biopsy this Friday, I feel like I really want to know for sure and I want to take control of my body and care.

11.14.11 Another Monday

So it's not even NEAR the end of the day, but I have to get this out. My kids come home from school soon and I have to get this out. Tears, sadness. I don't want to do this. I don't want to go back to Anchorage. I don't want to fight, I don't want to even get out of bed. I have these amazing highs and lows to the lowest. Trying, to just be done with emotions. I love my kids so much I don't want them to see me hurting. They know I do, I want to wrap my arms around them and hug and kiss them to no end. Elizabeth kept me strong this morning, playing restaurant and barbies and laughing, laughing. She calls me near, so I will end for now. Keep praying folks as I let go and let GOD. I am weak and HE IS MADE STRONG. Love you, love me, love you, love me.

11.13.11 Sunday bed

Sundays I spend in bed. About 2 PM everyday I hit this wall of tiredness. At 5:00PM my aches start in. But Sundays I stay in bed. Bill takes care of the house and kids. It's so nice. Today I rested and I can only hope tomorrow will be renewed. God is love. Love you, love me, love you, love me.

11.12.11 Family Saturday

Spent the day with Bill and the kids, minus a couple of hours when Bill took Billy to basketball practice, I had a couple of errands to run. I am so BLESSED to run errands, to drive and be with my kids. There are still moments when I am eating something and I think back to this past summer and not being able to enjoy food or drink a few ounces of water. Then I remember how BLESSED I am. There is no other word, no other way for me to describe. I also thank God for Bill everyday. He is my home. He gives me strength and hope and life by being God's strength and hope and life. He is my reminder everyday of how God is in control and God is taking care of me. I am reaching a new point of asking for help, I can feel it. Continue to pray for me and I will do the same. Love you, love me, love you, love me.

11.11.11 Puppy birthday

Amazing. Simply amazing what God can do. The wonders of His love. Our "Montana" had puppies. Nine of them. I was so angry about her being pregnant. I so don't have the energy to watch puppies, but God knows.
Anchorage (ANMC-Alaska Native Medical Center) called and made my appointment for Wed and Thursday. Mammogram and Ultra Sound Wednesday and meet with Surgeon on Thursday. I am NOT looking forward to this. I really REALLY hope I don't have to have another biopsy. They stink. They hurt. But I suppose since I made it through the first one. That and I'm not sure about more chemo. That would TOTALLY suck. (BTW, I hate the word suck, but I'm totally upset about this.) I know that the devil would have me to be upset and angry at God, at the hospital, at the doctors, but I'm not, NOT going to be angry at God. He knows all about me and what I am going through. I am loved by Him. I will continue to love Him, serve Him and give Him the glory. Join me friends... love you, love me, love you, love me

11.10.11 Another lump

It's taken me a few days to write this, to wrap my brain around it... I found another lump. My heart aches. Another lump in my breast. The only breast I have left. I found it Tuesday, told Bill Wednesday saw my doctor today. She felt it as well. This is frustrating. Angry, yes. Very. Angry at cancer. Angry that it's doing this to me. Angry that... ah! I don't even want to give my time and energy about talking about it. This really sucks. It stinks. I called Anchorage to tell my Oncologist and figure out what to do next. Bill says if cancer has taught us anything it's that we CAN'T guess what's going to happen next. I DO know that people are praying. I love you all. Love you, love me, love you, love me.

11.9.11 Radiology Set-up

As I lay on the table for radiology to find where my radiation will be, I wonder, is this me? Am I really here? How did this happen? When did this happen? Then I bring myself to reality and slow my mind. I also had a CT scan which brought the whole appointment to an hour and a half. The best part of today was realizing I could leave my three year old with my twelve year old. What a good kid and wonderful babysitter! I also got to see an old boss, who made my DAY! Reminising about the younger years, being a young mom, wife and co-worker. God has brought me so far! Today was a difficult day, more of that later. But I am here, I am smiling and I am going to keep going and going and going! Bill says "There is no other option". Love you, love me, love you, love me!

11.6.11 Home Sweet Home

God blessed us with a wonderful trip back from Wasilla, we listened to a great message (via podcast) from Rod Parsley. A message about prayer! We made it home to our two dogs, Montana and Tolovana and cat Big Eddy (who by the way is getting bigger... :) I am so blessed and amazed by God's goodness and His grace! The trip was good, bits of snow here and there, but we had a nice warm vehicle and the blessing of knowing there were other basketball families on the road! In this life there plenty of opportunities to complain, but I will use this time to give God glory for all He has done! Off and on throughout the summer, when feeling so bad physically, BJ would start to shoot hoops (right outside my window). More than once I wanted to complain, but the majority of the time I let him continue. (bounce, bounce, swoosh, bounce, bounce, swoosh!) I only remember twice telling him to please stop. I felt so blessed as I was sitting on the chairs in the gym today, so proud of my son and so thankful to God for getting me here! It was a long day, 3 games in a row a beautiful lunch with family who let me joke and laugh and laugh, and then the trip home. A beautiful long day, a day that the LORD had made! Looking forward to another tomorrow. Be blessed friends and family and know that when I say I am praying for you, I truely AM! loveyou, loveme, loveYOU, loveme!

11.5.11 Day 1 Wasilla Tourney

What a GRAND day! Ihop with Bill and the kids (gotta love IHOP waffles!) Then off to see our Wasilla McAnulty family. My sister-in-law and I spent the morning/ early afternoon shopping at the Holiday marketplace in Wasilla then taking Miss Lelly to McDonalds. A story begins...

My sister-in-law had a rocky start of a relationship, (my issues). It took cancer for me to see the beauty in her and how God had planned for us to be sisters. I am now blessed to have her in my life and as weird as it sounds, thankful for cancer, because it brought us together. I love ya girl!

We had dinner at Hacinenda in Wasilla and it was fantastic! Made it to one of Billy's later games and as I sat there I thought of how blessed I am to watch my son play basketball! Ended the evening with ice-cream and back to the hotel. Needless to say our hotel room was RIGHT above the bar and we got to watch a bit of TV and listen to bad karoke as we drifted off to sleep. My prayer RIGHT before falling asleep..."Lord, please let someone who can sing half decent get up on stage". I will now pray for them to repent and start singing in church :) God is good! Love you, love me, love you, love me.

11.4.11 Traveling to Wasilla

So traveling to Wasilla today for Billy's first basketball tourney of the season. Last year I made it to only 1 tourney. And that was the only game of Billy's I made it to. So this year I am determined to make it to more games! It was a nice trip, Bill and I and the kids. Originally we were going to drive all the way to Anchorage and hotel in Anchorage and travel to Wasilla for the games on Saturday and Sunday, but we got in soooo late! Both Bill and I had only got about 3-4 hours of sleep last night, me + caffine = late and then Bill was feeling a little ill after that. So we left Fairbanks at about 7:30 and made it into Wasilla at 2:30A. The roads were TERRIBLE! Snow, rain, wind, but we made it safe and sound albeit tired. Thank you Lord! Love you, love me, love you, love me!

11.4.11 Radiology Appointment and Staging

So, I am actually entering this a few days later then the actual day of the appointment. (It takes me a few days to get up courage to actually type this out and FACE it, but that's part of the reason I write.)

I met with my radiologist today Dr. S here in Fairbanks (because radiation is usually everyday for x amount of weeks, I will do radiation here in Fairbanks rather than stay in Anchorage, this I am thankful for!). The best thing about this appointment was that Dr. S was able to stage me, which hasn't been done yet, because we were waiting on my surgery. Because my cancer progressed so rapidly in such a short amount of time, and the ultra sound and mammogram couldn't "see" the tumor as a whole (it was hidden deep in my breast), we were unable to accurately determine the size and therefore the stage. I have a few friends and family that are nurses so forgive me if I am too technical and also forgive me if I'm too.. explaining too much for those who don't have medical education. Up until April, I knew VERY LITTLE about breast cancer. So, my tumor was 7.5-10 cm staging it at a T3 (tumor 3). It was NOT with direct extension to the chest wall and /or to the skin (did not touch the chest wall or skin, had it been either of these it WOULD'VE been T4, tumor 4). It was found to have metastases to movable ipsilateral level I lymph node (it had moved on my lymph node under my arm). And lastly, the tumor had NOT traveled to ANY other part of my body. This was all before chemo, PRAISE GOD, chemo did it's job! Upon surgery and removal of what was left of the tumor, the doctors found that the tumor had actually broke up and small bits and pieces were found. So, I was found to need radiation to kill any bits and pieces not already killed by the chemo, the pieces were too small to test all of them, HOWEVER, of what was found it appeared INITIALLY to be dead (my earlier report from doctors after surgery). I am so very thankful! I was not looking forward to radiation, and am not currently looking forward to it, but I am thankful that the cancer did not spread and that I can take care of this now. God is good and holding me in the palm of his hand! Radiation starts at the end of the month after Thanksgiving, keep praying and I will do the same for you! Love you, love me, love you, love me!

11.3.11 Late Night

Having a late night. I was reading about a case here in Fairbanks, and got to thinking about "hard times" which can look very different to each of us. I also heard a celebrities mom say "She is way stronger than I ever could be". But we are all different. We all have different struggles and different "hard times". I see people who fight addiction and they seem so strong to me. People in jail? I don't know how they do it. People with chronic illnesses like rheumatoid artritis. People who struggle to have kids, it can go on and on. What we do when faced with "hard times" determines a lot in my opinion. We can choose to fight and be negitive, we can choose to give up and become depressed, we can blame others, then there's the turning to God. My mom used to say give it all over to God. I didn't know what that meant. I did many, many, many times with my mouth. I give you my life. I felt no HUGE change right away. I felt a bit lighter. Then I would be faced with smoking cigerettes I would give it over to God, many, many, many times.Then I found out I was pregnant with BJ and I quit.  Hounding my husband is another thing. I stop and  pray, Lord I give this over to you, if He needs to change, only you can change him and only when he wants. BUT LORD, if it's me (and I know part of it is because I'm hounding here), change me. Change my heart and how I'm seeing things. I give it over to you. Somethings we give over once and we move on. Other things, habit, hurts and hang-ups that we have done over and over and over, need to be given up over and over and over. We'll get there. And we'll learn to be content where we are, because we are learning and loving. Sorry to preach, but I just feel so strongly for my friends and family to know how much I love them and know that they TOO will make it through their "hard times". Today, tonight, I thank God in advance for bringing you through and bringing you closer to Him. You're gonna make it, I'm praying for you! Love you, love me, love you, love me!

11.2.11 My Kids, my heart

So, everyone who knows me, knows that my kids are my heart. In fact there are many times I find that I am having to learn to trust God with them. I want to protect them so much, to watch their every movement, to protect them from EVERY wrong, forever. Mother's instinct, you would say. Where I am in my life, I am learning to trust God in every aspect, including my kids. It's hard. I'll give you a little background a bout me and my children. When Bill and I got married, I told him I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom. We found out we were pregnant about two months after we got married. I was working at the time and had always dreamed of being a working mom, kids in childcare, having the best of both worlds. My mom was a homemaker, she never worked a day out of the house, we took our lunches to school and EVERYDAY after school, there she was. Looking back now I see a true labor of love. I see how my mom's mission field was her home. I see how God used her to bring GLORY to Him by raising us. The early years of my baby Billy was filled with learning new and different ways of raising our child. I was learning I was a different person than my mother, created to be a different mom. Billy was taken care of by my sisters Candy, Rachelle and Heather. At the age of 1 year and 1 month Billy entered into Early Head Start. His caregivers Ann, Nicole and Tracy loved him like he was their own. I have vivid memories of Nicole walking around the classroom holding Billy and rocking him as he cried for his mama. When he was 17 months old, Miss Olivia was born. She was my little dream. Always dressed in pink and often I told Bill "Juilliard". She spent the first six months of her life with me at work. It was heaven and I probably would've kept her there until Kindgerten had I not be told it was time for her to be loved during the day by others... My husband worked nights and would come home very early in the morning to sleep on the living room floor with Olivia asleep on a ginormous pillow on the couch. Bill slept with one had on her. When she was about 8 months old she entered a daycare at my husband's work and was loved by Miss Anita. I cried. I hated to drop my kids off at daycare. By this time our finances were so that I had to continue working. On my sick days or days off I had my kids at home with me. I couldn't stand the thought of having someone else care for them if I was home. I wanted so to stay at home all of the time by now. Working 40 hours a week and taking care of a family I realized just wasn't for me. Fast forward several years later. Bill and I decided our family was not complete, but wanting another child, we also decided I would stay home with this baby. My mother had been diagnosed with Ovarian Cancer and we moved out to her and my dad's property. We found out we were pregnant and over fresh moose meat on an open fire in September announced to my family. My mother's started chemo and in April 2008 I left one of the best jobs I have know. One month later, Miss Elizabeth was born. She made our little family complete. I finally was a stay-at-home mom, and I had MY mother to help. But God had other plans and in July 2008 my mother passed away. To this day whenever I pick up a laundry basket I think of carrying Miss Elizabeth in it or hanging laundry, with my mom on the porch talking to me. It has now been over 3 years that I have been staying home with Elizabeth and greeting my children everyday after school (minus during my trips to Anchorage). God has said that it's time for me to trust Him with my children in childcare again. We have made the very difficult decision to put Elizabeth in full daycare. To some parents this would not be a big deal, to me it's the world. I want my children near me whether I'm sick or well or tired or energized to the fullest. With Billy and Olivia, they are 12 and 10 and it won't be a big issue to have them home while I start and continue Radiation. Miss Elizabeth is the one I am learning to allow to grow. She is full of words and decisions and LIFE! She keeps me going and wears me out (at the same time)! I cry to let her go, but I am reminded that GOD is in control and HE knows what's best for me, Bill and my kids. Who knows this may last a day or years, but HE is in control and I trust Him with every aspect of my life including my children. God is good and His plans for me are to prosper and not for evil. His glory will be revealed and I will TRUST HIM. God is good...all the time. Love you, love me, love you, love me.

PS Radiology appointment changed to Friday 9A, more to post on that later!

11.1.11 Carpooling mom!

Well folks... I had an appointment with Radiology today. (originally if I had a mastectomy, no radiation, but since they found cancer, I now have to do radiation.) My appointment was switched to tomorrow morning, which make this a long week for me. Tonight as we were headed home from the daily activities, I cried. So weary of staying in bed in the evening while Bill races around the kids, I cried. I so want to sit on bleachers and watch my kids play. I want to run them around town from one activity to fast food because I forgot to cook dinner and we're running late (again). So we pulled in the driveway my tears drying. Bill walks in ahead of me. I pickup scattered items from the van. I walk in the house and without thinking, I say "I'm going to take them tonight. I'll go, you stay here. I'll do this. I'm gonna do this!" and...and...and I did. I became the carpooling mom. Cancer didn't stop me, chemo, radiation, surgery and a crappy attitude didn't keep me from enjoying a wonderful time with my kids. We laughed, sang, talked and LOVED! So as not to leave miss Elizabeth out of it. I picked her early up from school and we snuck home for a little nap. I held her the whole time and woke up with a sore arm and the beautiful scent of baby sweat. Ahh, I love my life! God is good and tonight I go to sleep happy with carpooling, McDonalds for dinner and a semi-relaxed hubby. God bless you all Love you, love me. love you. love me

10.31.11 Happy Birthday Helena!

My brother Stephan and sister Sarah gave me a wonderful gift! Today I am a new Aunty! My niece Helena Charlotte Obed was born! 6lbs and 19 inches, she is an angel! During rough times of my chemo, I told myself, I WILL hold a newborn baby this fall! And I did! Praise GOD!
In other news, growing up my family did not celebrate All Hallows Eve (Halloween) and now as an adult, I really can't stand the 31st of October. ~(Just me) My husband went out Trick or Treating when he was a kid and so my kids dress up and go. I choose to have my own thoughts and ideas on the date, but I choose not to argue or push my ideas on anyone, including Bill. So that's what we did tonight. I sat in the car keeping it warm and I enjoyed spending time with my family. All in all, love you, love me, love you, love me!

10.30.11 Sunday!

Oh, I love Sundays! Sundays are relaxing and not feeling a bit bad about it! No church today, we missed it. I woke up too late. My sleeping schedule is getting all mixed up. With feeling tired (not sleepy, just tired) I end up sleeping in late and staying up late. My poor little Lelly is right with me. But I so enjoy having her awake with me, I can't bring myself to put her to bed (in her own bed). Cancer puts things into perspective and I feel as though I want ot spend as much time as I can with each of my kids. Not cause I feel like I'm going to run out of it, but because I feel like I've wasted (? not sure if that's the right word) a lot of time working and cleaning and maybe not paying as much attention as I could have with them. I love them so much and am so blessed! So today, just a bit tired no real aches. BJ has a basketball tourney this weekend in Wasilla so a family road trip it will be! Thanks all for listening... love you, love me, love you, love me! Oh, I finally fixed the webcam on my computer, :) yay contact with dad and kids!

10.29.11 Bad Day

The ugly side of cancer. Today was a downer. Was fighting depression today. Found it so difficult to get out of bed, to do much of anything, but I did and finally found myself coming out of it this evening. I ran into friends I haven't seen in awhile. The reality of finding more cancer and having to do radiation is setting in. It was one of the things I didn't want to happen. But I didn't want cancer either. I am finding strength, in my weakness. I was weak today. This (I noticed) usually happens after a day or two of strong days. But I want to be real with myself and with all of you. That I am weak at times. That I cry and say I'm tired and don't want. But I remind myself that I can cry and I can have these feelings, but then I've got to pick myself up (or allow someone else to) and move FORWARD. Love you, love me, love you, love me!

10.27.11 Chemo and Test results

I had a friend once tell me about a revelation SHE had. God had given her insight into the love chapter in the Bible. God told her to replace the word LOVE with her name. (We are told to be love...so made sense to me) She read the chapter replacing the word LOVE with her name, then she re-read with my name. At the time I cried and cried and cried, I saw, SHE loved me, GOD loved me and I was worth it. It was very early in my learning stages of loving myself. Since then I have had other very precious people come into my life and teach me that I'm worth it (you know who you are!). I've also had memories of friends and reconnections on fb to remind me that I am loved (you know who YOU are!) I also have met NEW friends in my journey though Breast Cancer who have shown me LOVE and that I am worth it! God has also shown me relationships that deserve restoration and renewal and given me VERY patient friends and family! So now the scripture,

1 Corinthians 13

 ¹ If I speak in the tongues^[a] of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. ² If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. ³ If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast,^[b] but do not have love, I gain nothing.
 ⁴ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
 ⁸ Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. ⁹ For we know in part and we prophesy in part, ¹⁰ but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. ¹¹ When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. ¹² For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
 ¹³ And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

So now my latest test results, I went in for surgery and preliminary results showed no cancer, however more "stuff" was found. It was tested and sent to the MAYO clinic for final results. The results have made it back and it is Invasive Lobular Carcinoma. Cancer, more. (*sigh*) Tears sting my eyes. I was hoping with a mastectomy (removal of the breast) I would not have to do Radiation. But with these results, I will have to do radiation. It's hard to imagine, more. I told my dad it feels like one step back, but I have to, in order to take two steps forward. How do I tell my kids? I tell my husband I am tired. Tired of being sick. I want normal. I cry and release. Then I pick myself up, realize all I have to be thankful for (they found this today and not 6 months or a year from now). I have a husband who cooks, cleans, laundry, carpool, cheers me up, grounds me, holds me, listens, he's my nurse and confidant, my friend and ally, he's in this with me for better or worse, richer or poorer in sickness and in health. I am so grateful and I am going to make it though this. I am going to have grand kids and I am going to laugh! God has a plan, and I don't know what that plan is exactly, but He's bringing me, my husband, kids, DAD, sisters, and brothers through. I know that YOU are going though this with me! I know by your love. I feel it everyday! Love you, love me, love you, love me!
(PS, I Corinthians 13:7  LOVE (RHONDA) always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.)

10.24.11 Itching and...

medicine issues. :( So I have to laugh, seriously. It's just one thing after another, but I think it's quiet comical, if nothing else. The side effects mind you. The issues I'm finding I have to go through it, mentally, emotionally and physically, but still at the end of the day, sometimes funny. I have this little jar in my kitchen I printed out (I think) 30 little things to love about myself to things to express to myself, love. Stuff like "go to the Library alone", "say something good about you as a mother". I pull one out and until I do the little thing, I can't pull out another. Some of them seem so simple but I realize I still have yet to do the activity MONTHS after pulling it out. But I really want to pull another out so I commit to it. Why I'm sharing this? It just helps, one to share and another to remind/encourage/be held accountable. I think I'm sharing this to also "get out of" sharing what's really going on. I'm trying so hard to not be discouraged by these allergies/iching AND then I run out of an important medicine that if I don't take it properly it can make me sick, and ohhh boy did it! I was so hoping to go to Olivia's basketball practice tonight and just got so sick from 3:00 to 5:30. Precious little girl was like "it's okay mom". What fantastic kids I have, soooo understanding and loving to me! Okay so it's the end of the day and I can laugh, laugh at you cancer, laugh at you devil, laugh at you side effects! You will not get me down and I AM LOVED! There's a scripture in the Bible, "The LORD appeared to us in the past, saying: "I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness. " Jeremiah 31:3. No matter how sick, how depressed, how unloved I feel, (no matter what I look like physically) I am loved with an everlasting love and I am being drawn with loving-kindness. God is good...(ALL THE TIME!) Love you, love me, love you, love me!

10.22.11 :) Still in bed, but not down!

Don't get me wrong, I'm not jumping on the bed either! So, initally we thought medical tape (I had an appointment on Wednesday 18th and had my second and last drain out), but now we think it's the cat, because it's been a couple of days. Cancer? Really? now you're going to take my pet? Really? Well, you can't get me down! I probably had this allergy before you even came around! HA! Without cancer I would've never learned to overcome my fear of flying (still working on that), I would've never learned about websites like cancer.org, I would've never met the oncology nurses at ANMC or Wendy!, I would've never learned that reality TV ISN'T that great, and my husband is the BEST! So other than feeling a bit tired of being in bed, but I'm doing okay and for a change, glad for the weekend! Thanks for letting me blog on and on...love you, love me, love you, love me.

10.20.11 Allergic Reaction

Another rough day physically. I woke up this morning with an allergic reaction... :( I had to take meds and Bill took the day off from work, (MY SUPERMAN!). I slept for 12 hours last night and another 4 today. Woke up and a repeat reaction. Another dose of meds and I'm sure I'll be back to sleep in a little while. My thoughts? At first discouraged. I miss my kids when I'm like this, in bed. I hate sleeping and being sick all the time. But I'm not. It's just the enemy trying to discourage me. I'm not sick all the time. I'm not in bed all the time. I am strong and I am going to get better. I'm going to keep a positive attitude and I'm going to get better. I'm going to use this down time to get better and be positive. I love you my friends for your encouraging words and love, love, love. Love you, love me, love you, love me!

10.19.11 Mourning my breast

*Please be aware a woman blogging about her breasts...with some feeling... :)*

A small piece of cotton lies between the scars and an empty sports bra. She goes through the day, laughing smiling, joking, and making the occasional "boob" joke with only sisters and very close friends. It's been two weeks since "it" left, and since then she's told everyone she's okay with it. It's to help her live longer, it's to save her life. She's not sad. "I was sadder to see my hair go". But in the last couple of days, she's thought about her babies nursing, and her breast becoming a part of her, of who is was. She grew up in a family, a modest family, girls weren't allowed to wear short or tank tops. Low cut blouses were out of the question. She had her rebellious moments with clothing and modesty, but always in the back of her mind, distinctly aware of the rights and wrongs. "You body is a temple" "A woman can cause a man to sin". These thoughts (scriptures) never far. As a wife and mother, now very acutely aware of these truths, she's been careful about her body. And now this huge event in her life that challenges her as a wife, mother, sister, daughter, friend, woman, and Christian. The floods open up and she cries. She cries like when her mother died. She cries like only a woman losing a breast would cry. The tears flood and her husband holds her. She cries for the breast that fed her babies, for the "friend" through puberty, marriage and now cancer. But this friend must go, she cries guiltily for not crying sooner. Good-bye, I say, goodbye. I love you, but must let you go. I am doing this to save the rest of me. Love you, love me, love you, love me.

1 week post surgery

I am tired and hurting physically. I'm okay with losing a breast. I am. I am so grateful to my dad, husband, aunt and uncle Paul for coming to Anchorage to be with me. We left to Anchorage October 2. In the days leading up to that day I was becoming more and more anxious, and nervous. I don't like the thought of "going under". It scared me. On Sunday I finally cried it out and told God, I don't want to die. I told Him that I want to see my kids grow up and be the mom I need to be for them. I cried. I love my kids and husband so much. I feel like I still have so much to give my kids, my husband, my dad, brother, sisters and friends. He answered my prayer and here I am. I am so blessed. I have a wonderful life and a giving heavenly father who loves me so much. Tonight I am in pain. more physically than anything else. I had a full mastectomy on my right side breast. And that is where the pain lies under my arm to my inner breast bone. But I think of the scripture "in my weakness, HE is made strong." As I sit here wincing back the pain, my son brings in a bag someone gave Bill to give me. A care package of sorts. I cry. I finally cry in pain. My aunty told me, if you need to cry, cry. God gave us tears for a reason. He loves me so much, he puts such loving people in my life. People who cry and pray with and for me. People who think of me and remind me daily that I am loved. I hope I can pass this love on. God is so good. He is restoring relationships, growing me as a wife and mother, answering prayers and living daily in me. As for a report from the doctor? They could find no cancer in either the lymph nodes or in the breast. My preliminary results show NO CANCER! Look, look what my God can do! There is no one besides Him. He is my all, HIS love endures forever, GIVE PRAISE! love you, love me, love you, love me!

Whew! 9/14/11

So! Husband and son have been out moose hunting. They'll be out for another 3 days. Missing them!
Physically I am doing FANTASTIC! Feel normal, (other than a little tired!) I can eat, sleep, READ (a bit dizzy during chemo). Feeling very good and blessed. I am enjoying water, no aches (other than a backache off and on). Mentally I feel strong, getting ready for surgery, which is scheduled for October 4th. I think I'm doing okay with that. It's the actually going to sleep and waking up groggy that scare me. That and I wonder how I'll take missing a breast. I will make it through. Just as I did this summer. I'll make it though and wonder how and realize I couldn't have done it without God. That HE is how I make it through all that I go through. I am so strong and so proud of myself. I never knew I had the inner strength. I guess somehow, somewhere I knew. I am reminded of my last job and a co-worker who told me daily she loved me and what a strong woman I was. I kept listening and started to look at myself that way. Even now when I pass a mirror and see myself and want to think something negative, I stop myself and say "I am a beautiful bald woman!" By the way my hair is growing... little by little. The peach fuzz grows! Tonight my girls and I had wedding dress up with my wedding dress. What fun! Elizabeth said "You married daddy??" Olivia asked how much my wedding dress was. Let's just say I saved for months!Well it's getting to be bed time for some McAnulty princesses! Thanks to all of you who read, it blesses me! Love you, love me, love you, love me.

Dinner with my sisters 9/10/11

What an amazing dinner! My sister Rachelle cooked and it was awesome. Steak, potatoes, fresh veggies, cheesecake! The steak came out PERFECTLY! My other sisters were there as well. Husbands working up north or out hunting. ALASKAN MEN! We watched a movie and the kids played. I am so blessed to live right near my family! I get to see them at a moment's notice. I'm not sure what I would do without my sisters! I also think of my kids and how blessed they are to have brothers and sisters (cousins) and other moms (aunties)! Not just here in Fairbanks but in Wasilla as well. Blessed to have Mike and Cristina living up here! Other than dinner at Rachelle's, I spent the day at home in/ near the bed. Not sick, not at all. Not physically. I do notice I have to watch myself mentally and emotionally. I will make excuses to stay in bed and this can be not too good for me. But I feel okay and remind myself of that throughout the day. I really need to get out and visit friends. I can be a terrible friend if given the chance. I tend to think I will see people, if I need to. I don't think they might want to see me or spend time with me. I'm learning and now time to start doing. Blessed to have friends. Love you, love me, love you, love me.

Justin Beiber 9/9/11

Hellllooooo world! I can't believe this! I'm on day 3 out from infusion and I FEEL GREAT! I drove to the store and Elizabeth's school. I did a couple loads of laundry. Dishes. I mean I feel normal! My hair is GROWING! I am so unbelievably happy! Bill and Billy went to Minto this evening for moose hunting. Just us girls here at home. Elizabeth fell asleep in my arms watching Justin Beiber on You Tube. It's quiet here, I'm glad my son and husband get to spend time together. My dad and brother came in from Minto for work for the afternoon. So good to see Eric! My dad brought me dry meat and cookies and coffee. What a great guy! I picked up the kiddos from school today and bought lunch for them. It's so nice to be able to do little things! I am so looking forward to bigger things, yet so happy and content here! All I do, all I can say is God gets the glory! He brought me through this and will bring me what is to come. Thank you to all of you for your prayers! It was such a good day, I don't want it to end! Love and prayers to all of you. Love you, love me, love you, love me!

I'll Fly Away 9/8/11

Flew home from Anchorage today. Bill went with me to Anchorage. This was my trip down for NO CHEMO drug Herceptin (maintance drug to keep cancer from coming back/ growing) and to see my surgeon. We talked about my surgery options. I'm choosing a mastectomy. This over a lumpectomy. I would rather have the whole thing out than mess around. So far, I'm okay with that. I'm still me, breast or no breast. I'm still Rhonda. In fact I would say I'm a better Rhonda after all this. I am a better mom, more patient. I have more friends and more love than I ever thought possible. I can see things I never saw before. I can laugh like I am a child again. I love and appreciate my dad, sisters, brother and husband in a way I didn't know existed. So no date yet set for surgery, although they did ask if I could stay in Anchorage over the weekend. Which I thought might happen, but I missed my kids and would like a little more time to let this settle. I did have an ultra sound on my lymph nodes and they could find nothing! Everything looked normal! Praise God! The doctor also said my lump had significantly shrunk in size! Chemo did it's crazy job! Although, I do have to take a little credit and give God all the credit!
As far as physically, so far doing GREAT! Still have tastebuds, a little tired, no aches other than an ongoing backache, no nausea, so far, so good. Mentally, strong. Emotionally, getting ready for the next challenge!
To top this wonderful night off, Miss Lelly painted my toenails and we sat in bed and ate gummy bears! FUN! Miss Olivia was so thankful for her lacy gloves (picture to come later) and Billy gave me the biggest hug! Happy to be home and happy to be happy! Love you, love me, love you, love me!

Saturday 9/3/11

Happy Birthday dad! I can't believe it's September! And it's Saturday. I'm loving this! Bill's working today.I took Biil in the van, so it's the kids and I enjoying the day together! My itching has started back and that means little bumps on my bald head! Did a little more shopping today this morning. I was BLESSED! A few weeks ago I saw a poster for Breast Cancer Detection Center's Annual Gala. I saw the sign and prayed, God, please if ther is anyway I would like to go to this. I don't know how we can afford it, but I want to go Lord, please. Someone today GAVE me tickets! I cried. God answered my prayer. This isn't just a small little thing, He did it for me. He loves me so much. He answered a prayer! I am so blessed! I am not taking my prayers lightly anymore. I am being truthful and honest and believing God for His loving mercies and that the answers to my prayers will honor HIM. That doesn't mean God always gives me what I want. He gives me those things that I will honor Him for. God is good and I am blessed. BLESSED and I pass this blessing onto you my friends. Love you, love me, love you, love me

Friday 9/2/11

Wow Friday! Yay! Today I went grocery shopping and made a menu for the next couple of weeks, yes folks, we're back to eating healthier. It was really hard this summer, I am so grateful for the meals that our church family provided. Those were the only healthy thing we ate some weeks! But I love to make menus and cook for my family, so I'm back to that and so very happy! Last winter we started supplementing with organic food and eating salads and limiting our processed food intake. I also watched our calorie intake and both Bill and I lost a good deal of weight. We also worked out a lot and didn't eat out. I've actually gained weight with chemo, but that's not a bad thing, but the alternative would be losing weight and that wouldn't be good. From the moment I can start tasting food I eat and eat and eat. Whatever I can get my hands on! Well now I want to watch what I'm putting into this beautiful body that God gave me. I also want to teach my kids some great cooking and eating habits! okay I'll get off my health food kick! Tonight I used the fresh peaches Bill brought home and canned them. (jarred them?) My first time jarring something in awhile and I was a bit nervous. We'll see this winter how that went! I had fun doing it. Made me thankful I can help my family providing and preserving God's abundances! Thanks to all of you for your continued support and prayers! Love you, Love me, Love you, love me!

Thursday 9/1/11

It's September! There were moments this summer, I wasn't sure HOW I was going to make it! I lived in the moments and made it! God is good! I stayed home again today, cleaning up my house, a little at a time and it's getting there. I realize most of the summer I was either in bed or running away from it! Other than painting the living room I tried to stay away from home and "laying around". So cleaning this morning and I felt myself getting very angry I had to stop myself and say "If I'm not going to have a good attitude about this, if this is going to make me crabby, I'm going to stop. I'm not going to clean it up. I should be thankful to clean this up and if I can't then I need to stop until I do have the right attitude about it." So I changed my attitude right then and there and finished up. It was great. Another thought occurred to me this afternoon. About friends I have made since my diagnoses. Friends I would've never met, had I not been diagnosed with breast cancer. For that, today I am grateful. I am grateful for meeting these wonderful people and for reconnecting with others. I am grateful for the relationships God is restoring through my cancer. I love my friends, each of you, in a more deeper, meaningful way now. I know what it is to love. Love is worth it, negativity is not. Love is worth the energy and the effort, a crappy attitude is NOT worth wasting my time, energy or effort! Love you, love me, love you, love me

8/31/11 Wednesday

Hellooooo world! Today Wednesday. Home with Lelly poo, we did laundry (caught up again), cleaned up a little around the house and made dinner! Yippee! Oh, also fooled around with the computer trying to download anti-spyware. Dinner? Sheppard's pie. My sister-in-law Heather's recipe. I thought of her, missed her and her beautiful laughter that came with such a great recipe! It was delish! Everyday I find something to be so grateful for. Today, house cleaning and dinner! Although just another day at home, another day to be blessed and love my life as a mother and wife! Bill asked me how I was when he got home from work and I told him, "normal"! Normal is not normal for me anymore. "Normal" is BLESSED. Blessed to be through with chemo but if I had to go through it again, I know I can face anything with God. I'm not saying it wouldn't be hard, I just know who holds my hand! Love you, love me, love you, love me!

8/30/11 Tuesday Nails and Caribou Pot Stew

So very thankful tonight for my sisters Candy and Rachelle. I went over to Rachelle's this morning and she did a beautiful job on my nails. I've been wanting for weeks to get them done, but didn't want to pay any money and just didn't want to go to the salon. (weird I know...)Then for dinner THE HOUCKS... where my brother-in-law and his brother brought home some caribou! The stew was unbelievable! Thank you Lord for tastebuds! After I picked my kids up from school we (I) sang and danced and danced, so happy to not be sick, to not be tired, to not be...? Happy to be happy! There are things I won't not be thankful for everyday. Oh Lord thank you for Life and life more abundantly! God you are good! Love you, love me, love you, love me!

Monday, Monday

So today. Lil Miss Elizabeth and I spent the day together. We ate breakfast after Bill and the kids left, we did a couple of loads of laundry, starting sewing on Olivia's Girl Scout patches, changed the sheets in my bedroom and watched "Tangled". It wore me out! I was so tired we ended up eating lunch and taking a nap. I wonder if it's just the illness from the weekend, or over-doing it last week. Either way I am glad this is temporary. Not just cause I finished my last round but I have realized, all, ALL of this is temporary. This life is temporary and one day I'll be where there's no pain, no suffering, no crying. So I'm okay with today. I'm okay with the aches, pains and trials. God still loves me, still holds me and that's all I need. I am looking forward to my next trip to Anchorage, mainly cause I won't have to go down for chemo! Maybe I can actually enjoy this trip. Not that I haven't enjoyed the other trips, I have just had the thought of "okay, this is what I'm here for". Kind of like a fighter traveling to Vegas, I guess, lol! (little known fact, I really like boxing...)Okay, okay that's to end my boring, yet very happy Monday. Monday. Love you, love me, love you, love me.

Sunday 8/28/11

I woke up this morning in time for church, but just couldn't make it. I felt so bad, I miss my church family and just wish to go back! I will though, I know I will. Sick again today, not as bad, but still stomach flu. That's what I'm calling it anyway. I honestly thought if I had to spend time in bed ever again, I would be angry, but I'm not. It's just what it is and this isn't going to last forever. I have been thinking that thought lately, how much sometimes we want time to just "hurry up". But it goes by as fast as it went by a week ago or as fast as it will go in a few weeks. My thoughts and prayers go out to my family and friends on the east coast. Love you, love me, love you, love me.

Saturday 8/27/11

Wow! Sick with the stomach flu! To think! I blame the Chinese food. This isn't chemo sick, it's a different sick. A stomach sick with headache and temperature. Bill had to work this afternoon, but Elizabeth took a nap right after he left. She cried for him. :( I watched Crazy Heart this afternoon and that helped time to go by. Bill says if I still have a temperature I have to go into the hospital. That's the last thing I want. I can just picture myself having to spend the night in the hospital... I called my sister Candy and had her pray with me, and MAN I felt so much better! I am so thankful for my sisters! What a huge support they have been! Thank you Lord! So as I head to bed tonight, I am thankful I am sleeping in my own bed! I will overcome this. With God all things are possible!

Friday 8/26/11 Date Night

So, date night, first one since our trip to Anchorage in July and then before that in May? WOW! It was really nice. Elizabeth wanted to go to school today, which gave me a chance to get caught up on paperwork and cleaning out our desk. I've realized in addition to everything Bill is doing he also takes care about the bills and finances. I really do wish for him to get time off after this crazy summer. Today I picked up my kids from school (they get out early on Fridays). I took them to lunch, Subway, hey they're not hard to please. I had Safeway Chinese food. We ate and laughed. If cancer is giving me something, it's being able to look at situations, circumstances and change my attitude. I laugh so much more with my kids. I make jokes and we laugh! We headed home and spent the afternoon, me in the bedroom (just feeling drained and my stomach a bit achy). I picked up Elizabeth then Bill and we headed home. Met up with my dad had a really nice visit. Took the kids over to Rachelle's (my sister). We ate at Brewster's a local restaurant. Mushroom burger for me, Jalapeno Burger for him. Then as I posted on Facebook, no date is complete without a trip to Fred Meyer. A nice date all in all and a day full of laughs...Love you, love me, love you, love me.

Thursday 8/25

Up and Adam! Spent the day doing laundry, cleaning the house! To clean the house! I feel like a mom! I feel fantastic! I'm not 100%, but I don't care! I made dinner tonight, fajitas. Oh my! they were delish! One of the things I was totally craving this last round, steak and mexican and this HIT. THE. SPOT! So thankful to be able to cook and taste and just make my family happy. I even cooked corn bread. We ate a very late dinner, but hey, I'm a little outta practice! That's OKAY! We're ending our first full week of school and the kids are loving it! I am loving that they are no longer rotting their brains with TV or computer or xbox 360. They've been spending after school at Bill's work as we still are working on getting Bill's truck running so we're still down to one vehicle. I'm not complaining tho. It brings us together, once in the morning, once in the evening. But that's not to say I won't be glad we when do get it back. Easier to haul trash, water, firewood and take to Minto! Ah, Minto! How I miss you Minto! I shall soon be home in Minto! Well this ends it for this Thursday. Love you, love me, love you, love me!

Thankful

Learning the art of being thankful, again. As I type I'm in bed, yes, wishing I could be here or there doing this or that, but I'm not and I'm thankful. I am where I am and God is still God. God is still good. There's a million other things I want to do wash laundry, clean the bathroom, change my sheets, put photos in albums, crafts and the list goes on... But today, today I will choose to be thankful for what I do have and what I can do. I am alive I am breathing, I have friends and facebook. I have sisters and a brother who love me dearly. I have a husband who does endlessly. I have a phone with text messages and a laptop to watch movies or surf the internet. I have a television and electricity. I have a God I can talk to at any time, no reservations, no condemnation. I can't do it all, but I have all I need in Him. I am where I am, and I am okay with that. I can't look back with regret, then I'm not thankful. I can't look ahead with worry, then I'm not thankful. I am learning to be content in all things. It's hard sometimes. But the biggest lesson to being content is being thankful in the smallest of things. Little things add up.
It's Saturday after chemo, so that means the thick of it. I start to feel down and remind myself, the last one... I stay in bed ALL day, watching TV, surfing the internet. It's not as fun as you'd think. Oh and I eat. Every hour or so eat, I can't taste the food, but I do believe the meds make me hungry. Today the door to the bedroom was mostly shut, I had my nieces and nephews over, what good kids. I didn't even hear them! Bill watched them and MAN what good kids! Back to the door. There are times when I HAVE to have it open so I can hear LIFE beyond these walls. But that makes me think, there are times in my life when I don't FEEL God. I wonder if He's there, if He cares. But it's not what I FEEL, but what I trust. I don't feel like I will ever get my to do list done, but that doesn't mean it won't. I just have to be in this moment not trusting what I'm feeling but being thankful for what I have, where I am, WHO I am and that I am LOVED! Love you, love me, Love you, love me.

Fridays are my favorite

So Fridays after chemo aren't my favorite, they are usually day 4. So that means into days 5 and 6. I was told that these would be my hardest and they are difficult, but I am thankful for a strong mental attitude, friends and family pulling for me and God who is my strength and shield. So here's to the weekend! Love you, love me, love you, love me!

Not Food

So I said I wouldn't talk about food, but none the less. Chemo for me means lack of taste and increase in hunger and that translates to food. So I will chat about Anchorage and my experience there. I got to spend time with friends and family. I stayed at the Quana House, a housing until set up for traveling patients and this was nice to not have to worry about housing, transportation, or food. The housing was set up in a dorm room style with two beds, desk, bathroom, TV and small refrigerator. I was also given a meal card for the hospital cafeteria, which really helped!
For my doctor's update, this will be my last round on Taxotere and Carboplatin and she doesn't consider herceptin necessarily a chemo drug, which strengthens me!
Today was a good day. I give God the credit for the this! I love strong days! God is good! Love you, love me, love you, love me!

Round 6 Day 2

Sooooo. Last round of Taxotere (causes stomach issues, hair loss. blah, blah, blah) and Carboplatin (causes nail changes, and blah, blah, blah). I probably shouldn't be blogging I am a little grouchy... but I really shouldn't be. With the "chemo" drugs over I will now be on Heceptin which will keep the cancer from coming back for the next year. This drug is not as invasive and I will be able to have surgery soon. As soon as next month, so keep me in your prayers about that! I have been trying very hard to stay positive this round, even though it has just started. Already I started losing my tastebuds, but it's for the last time and it's killing the cancer. For that I am thankful for. I am also so very grateful for my sister (in-law) and Mom (in-law), I was able to see them today and what strength they give me. They are positive, and always listen never quick to judge or give negitive reviews. I'm so fortunet for God to bring such special joys into my life. I am also thankful for my cousin Lucy who loaned Agnes and I her car for the day to go shopping. I am thankful for my kids to shop for and for my husband who is my strength and my rock, He is God's hands and feet. Thank you to Agnes for putting up with me all week and just being there! Okay enough of the mushy stuff. Love you, love me, love you love me!

Saturday 8/6/11

THAI FOOD! Went out the Farmer's Market and out for Thai food at "Siam Dishes" BEST MEAL EVER! It was sooo delish! I think it was a combination of lack of food, good company (sister-in-law, mother-in-law, and daughters) and just being REALLY GOOD FOOD! I had the Pad Thai with Shrimp and Lelly and Olivia had the Fried Rice! Every round God blesses me with good food that I can think about during the next round, I remember one round being Taco Del Mar with Olivia and Billy. One round was with Bill. Okay, enough about food. We brought the girls home then to the movies to see "Change Up" (a little raunchy if you ask me, funny in parts tho!) then "Crazy, Stupid, Love". Loved this movie. With Steve Carell. Great funny movie. Thank you Cristina for helping me to escape crazy cancer! Another great day. Got home really late and enjoyed some visiting time with mom-in-law and hubby. Again blessed with a wonderful family God knows just who we need in our lives! Love you, love me, love you, love me!

Friday 8/5/11

Friday, friday, everybody's looking to Friday.! THE FAIR and food! How thankful and Blessed I am! I asked God why it was taking so long for me to get over this last chemo round and He answered me tonight when I was walking around at the fair. So that I would be as thankful as I am to walk around at the fair and TRUELY enjoy food and my family. I walked around with my girls. This was the first year our son walked on his own. Within 10 minutes he found the basketball hoop game and won 2 big prizes! He also got his School name on the board! What a kid! Miss Olivia got her face painted and went on some of the big scary rides all by herself! She also helped with her little sister and dragged Grandpa on a ride he said he went on 30 years ago! What a fine day indeed! Feeling pretty much normal other than VERY tired from the walking! But God is good! Love you, love me, love you, love me!

Thursday 8/4/11

Tastebuds almost completely back! Feeling good, optimistic a lot better mentally than last round. My inlaws are on their way here! Gives me a lot to look forward to, family, fair, food! I drove over to my sister Rachelle's tonight. The only thing I miss more than food during chemo week is my sisters and their kids. My sisters and I talk at the very least every other day and we see each other at least once a week. I am so blessed to have sistes who take such good care of me and my kids. I am TRUELY blessed! God is good, love you love me, love you, love me!

Taste buds back after round 5

So today I've gotten my taste buds back...somewhat. I can taste "sour patch" kids. I didn't eat or should I say haven't eaten any grapes today. There's still some time left, so there's still a chance. Hopefully I'll venture out tomorrow. Visit my sisters. Elizabeth cut her hair this morning. I take the grapes thing back. As I was typing I had to go get some. First I tried sherbert. I could taste the first bite then crap. So grapes it is. I tried coffee this morning too. First couple sips, great, then crap. It'll get better. Next couple days, fair. I miss my sisters and their kids, just learning to be still and be patient. It'll come. Time will come soon enough. My travel was set for my next trip. I'll leave on Sunday, blood draw Monday, chemo Tuesday, travel home Wednesday. The last couple of rounds I've flow home on Tuesday after chemo, but I was so sleepy this last round I wanted to give myself time to sleep a bit. Hotels are crazy expensive in the summer, but I need the extra time, I need to sleep. As I said before I'm pumped full of anti-nausea medicine and anyone who knows anti-nausea knows they make you drowsy. I just wanted to keep sleeping after chemo but it was over and they were kicking me out. It also seems like each round of chemo takes less and less time. I think cause I got the medi-port and numbing meds beforehand. I wonder how kids can go through this and they must give them alot of sleep medication before, during  and after chemo. My heart goes out to parents, I know what's it's like to be a parent and I know what it's like to want to make the pain go. Then I know what it's like to go through this stuff. I was looking through pictures of my nephew who's a down's syndrome baby (big boy) and was thinking about my sister and what she must've gone through the 5 and 1/2 weeks before he was able to come home. I thought about what a fighter he is and how I want to be a fighter. I love that little boy! ( I have a picture of him in my dresser next to my bed where he's hooked up to machines and it reminds me of what a fighter he is and how I want to be.) He's 3 and 1/2 now and what a kid! So it's getting late folks, I'm headed out. love you, love me, love you, love me.

Day 8 Round 5

Another day down. Literally and figuratively. Spent another day in bed, did get up for a shower, to clean up the bathroom a little and heat up hotdogs. Ah, the little blessings. I am blessed though, blessed to get up for one day. I'll take it. I'll take the little bit of getting up. Bill headed to Minto tonight after work to get in line for a moose permit. Sad to have him gone and trying hard not to be too dependent on him. I have these moments of panic throughout the day, I have to stop myself to breathe through and remember that I am going to make it through this. It's in these moments where I feel very alone and weak. But in my weakness I know God is made strong. I really don't want to become to dependent on Bill, but at the same time I am learning where to be dependent on Bill and God. Tonight for dinner, hot dogs. I cooked! I COOKED! I know it's just hotdogs, but I did it. I've been waiting a few days to get back into the kitchen. Grapes again today, I've eaten over 6 lbs of grapes in the last 4 days. It's the only thing I can seem to eat/ taste. The chemo takes away the taste of food and irritates my stomach, so I am liking stronger foods or foods that have no taste to begin with. I crave salty/ sugary foods. Fried foods (except to look at them makes me nauseous) And I don't like the smell of foods. I heard (on Food network) that 70% of taste is the smell. Hmm, makes sense... Well it's getting late and time to get the baby into bed. Keep them prayers a comin'. Love you, love me, love you, love me.

Day 7 of Round 5

It's been a week and I'm still not over the nausea. Eating every couple of hours. Tonight it was boiled eggs and grapes. Yes, that's right. Man I could go for anything else! Been watching Food Network and Anthony Bourdains No Reservations all night, for inspiration and cause I'm so hungry. I hate to complain, just hungry and in a day or so I'll have eaten my way through the fair. There's a reason chemo patients GAIN 10 lbs. We'll see. Bill bought me 2-3lb boxes of grapes on Saturday and I finished one and am 1/2 through the other. Seriously. Grapes. Only thing I can seem to eat. Water was going good until Bill got home then I stopped. It helps when he's encouraging, makes me want to keep the fluids. Getting ready to take meds now, I am blessed that food is my issue and not something more. I am blessed where I'm at and that's okay. I didn't get out of bed much today. I told myself if I did then I would have to drink more water. I couldn't get out of bed. Mostly nausea today. Which is weird, cause I should be over this, but if there's one thing I've learned each round different. Each day different. It's about MY journey. This is my journey and everyday I think I can't, I can and do. I am. I am fighting this, God is leading me through. Last night I heard the song, "The Climb". Cheesy I know, but I hear songs in my head when I'm going through a rough place and this is the song I heard. Just gotta keep pushing on. I'm going through the climb of my life, but I'm doing it. Everyday, little by little, step by step. If you ever thought you couldn't, you can, if you ever want to give up, don't, I'm not. I'm fighting this battle, my battle, now you fight yours and we'll do this together. We'll come out together on the other side. Together. Love you, love me, love you, love me.

Summer over?

Is summer really over? I'm sad. That summer is over. I wanted it to be over so badly and now I wish I would've held onto it longer. I am so thankful I got to spend as much time in Minto as I did. I can only hope I will be able to spend more time this fall/ winter. I don' want to get sad, and mushy, but I am. I remember driving to Minto with Rachelle. With Bill. Spending time down there for the Fourth of July. I hold onto Easter and Spring Break up, the warmer temperatures. I look forward to being stronger this winter. Maybe I need to just focus on this moment. Enjoying this moment. Bill took the kids on a bike ride. I'll be doing that next summer. Oh, next summer! NO ONE will be looking forward to next more than I will!
Today. Today. ugg. Terrible. Again, I don't want to complain, I have a lot to be thankful for. But today was rough. I woke up very early with tummy aches and slept off and on most of the day. But not being able to eat or drink is very difficult and I am hungry for the sake of being hungry. I watch Food Network or food shows all day, which I'm sure doesn't help, but I somehow feel like it's feeding me! Feeling nauseated again. Bill and the kids are doing good. I feel a bit bad, I really feel like I need to hear noise and that it's helps to hear life outside of these walls. I just have to remember this won't last forever and I'll be up and out soon.
I don't want anyone to think I am ignoring them, on bad days I can't talk on the phone, on good days I just want to keep moving. I was told day 5 is the hardest. Actually I was told days 5-7, but this round I will only believe day 5 will be rough. Tomorrow I will be much better. Okay, maybe more later. Love you, love me, love you, love me.

Day 5 of Round 5

Today is okay. It's still morning? Afternoon? Mornings, (I've said once before) are much better than afternoons. I can eat, be awake and feel alive. Afternoons I figure I'm wore out and by evenings I'm drained and feel like I can't eat a thing. But everyday my mornings last a little longer. One more round. I know I keep saying this but it really is monumental for me. Just to get through this. I will be on that last drug for a year, but I'll have all my energy, appetite, no aches, no tummy issues. I'm looking forward to going back to being a bit normal. Keep me in your prayers and I'll write again tonight...Love you, love me, love you, love me.

Day 3 Round 5

Where to start? Where to begin? Still on steroids, and stronger anti-nausea meds, so doing okay. Tired, but good. Still not looking forward to days 4-7, but depending on how you look at it, almost 1/2 there. I got a CD I ordered and the attachment for the bike so I/ Bill can tow Lelly along in the bike wagon? Busy watching "Man -vs- Food" one of my favorite shows when I'm this hungry. Made a few friends today and humbled by everything I am going through. Sickness, illness is everywhere and I am blessed to be loved and not forgotten by my God. Love all of you. Love you, love me, love you, love me!

Day 2 Round 5

Slept most of today. Now it's getting late and I wonder if I'll sleep. I'm sure I will. I know I'll make it. My thoughts turn to living for today and looking forward to next Wednesday. Not worrying about tomorrow, but LOOKING FORWARD to what God has in store for me. I can't believe school will start here in a couple of weeks. I am so blessed to have stayed home with my kiddos all summer, but I am ready for them to get back to learning and being around friends! My doctor has mentioned surgery again. She will talk to my surgeon and a plan will be made by my next appointment. We're looking at about the middle of September.How do I feel? Not sure yet. Not sure. Praying. Well I love each of you. Love you, love me, love you, love me.

Relationships

Had a good day, for the most part, loving the rain. ;) I actually am! I went to the Farmer's Market in the rain. I got some wonderful veggies to make a salad and it was WONDERFUL! I talked a little about wearing others down last night, and again this fear comes to me. I'm not sure how or what to do with cancer, talk about it? Not talk about it? It would be great if people came with instructions when you met them. "Please don't talk to me about anything uncomfortable." or "Please share with me everything". "I say I am here for ANYTHING, but the truth is, I can't offer you much of anything, I just want to hear your problems so I can feel good about myself." That's a tough-y. There have been those who heard I have cancer and make them self scarce. There have been those who said I'll do anything but then hesitate. I wonder sometimes if I'm being too honest or personal, but this is me and what I think and feel and I blog for me and much as anyone. Okay so to get less personal... ? Had a little cookout tonight and I made SALMON (delish), pork ribs, potato salad, baked beans, corn on the cob, fresh farmer's market salad, and s'mores to top it off. It was great and I really need to give myself more credit as a cook and a foodie. I love food and I love it even more on my good days. I really want to cook dinner for my in-laws again tomorrow, we'll see! Bill to go fishing for trout and I'm thinking of the movies with Lells. God is good and is in the business of healing, healing broken hearted, healing sickness, healing relationships! Thank you Lord and I trust you. I trust you...

Getting away

I remember when my mom had cancer. I was there, everyday. I lived it, breathed it. I remember wanting to get away. To run from the cancer to make it go away from her, to take her away from the cancer. But I couldn't. And I can't now. I don't get days off. I don't get days to run away, get away. I can only think of the better days, and I have to be okay with that, with them. My last round of chemo, I was on a high a week afterwards. I went to MINTO. I WENT TO MINTO. I got away from cancer for a minute, 10 minutes, a whole day. I could forget for a few minutes. I can't now. I can't seem to get away. I have moments, great spectacular moments. This morning, exhilarating, I went into town. I was going to beat this. I was going to WIN. And the day wore on, it wore me down. I want to go out of town tomorrow, go fishing, to go back into town, but I'm scared. Scared to try, scared I'll be wore out, scared it will wear me down. See I did that, I soared last round, then it knocked me down and I'm afraid to soar too highly, for I am tired now. Maybe that's it. I'm just tired and need to sleep. Take a break. I told someone, I love to sleep, dream, because I don't have cancer in my sleep. I have hair and energy all the time. I have no fear of talking about or blogging about cancer. I'm afraid I'm going to wear down my family and friends. Some of them I already am. I can't read minds but I read expressions and the expressions are "ugg, cancer again..." I've been very careful not to allow myself to say "I don't want this, I don't want cancer." Because I don't want to be weak. But I don't say it, haven't said it. After almost 3 months of this, I don't want cancer. I don't want cancer. I don't want this. I just want to be normal. I just want to get away. Get away. Run. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm sorry. I'm sorry but it's my human nature to want this to pass from me. Before Jesus went to the cross, He said, "Let this cup pass from me, if it be your will." We all have some cross or another. I'm just expressing human nature, to let this pass from me. If it be your will...I want to get away, but if I must walk this way, make a way. So now you have all heard my extremes from one end to the next. I hesitate before posting, but this is me, this is ME. I will make it through this, I just need to express it, let it go before it can grasp me. Tomorrow I will get up, I will beat this thing, I will. But tonight I just want to get away from it. Stupid cancer. ;)Love you, love me, love you, love me.

The Other side of Round 4

Slowly coming out of round 4. I thought I'd be a little more excited. A little more happy, but at this point, I just want to get through this. Today I'm wanting food. Food, that's the hardest part for me. Every 2 hours and EVERYTHING tastes nasty. Right now I'm living on grapes and Totinos. Blech. Totinos cause their crispy and grapes cause of the liquid. I can't stand, and I mean CANNOT STAND water. I look at it on my nightstand and sneer at it! I allow myself a Gatorade if, IF I can get through one 16oz bottle of water. But today, off and on I want other foods, cheesecake, ice cream, cake, chocolate. I had 4 gummy frogs and the first two were heaven, the other two tasted like nothing. My mind is consumed by food at this point. I get hungry every hour to two hours but can only stomach a handful of grapes or 1/2 a Totinos. Tonight though a friend brought my family Ham and Bean Soup and Cornbread and I had two bowls!!! Delish! It tasted sooo good! Maybe tomorrow I'll bake something. Okay enough on the food. So DD (dear daughter) goes to Girl Scout camp on Sunday, and I'm excited for her, mainly cause it's a notch in the summer and cause she enjoyed it so much last summer. DMIL (dear mother-in-law) will be here or is here, and it's so good to have more support after such a rough week. Well it's late friends so I'll sign off. Thanks for listening and love you, love me, love you, love me.

In the meantime...

So I am debating my thoughts. I feel like I'm coming out on the other side of chemo. I feel like I'm starting to get better, but I don't want to say that. For fear that I will be let down. For fear that it'll only get worst or something. But I can feel myself feeling a little better. I woke up this morning, took my morning med and fell back asleep, SITTING UP. It feels good to fall asleep sitting up. The lights were on, I felt relaxed. So hard to relax it seems. Now thinking of dinner, a normal thing to think about. I started counting down the hours at 8 of when Bill would come home. The last couple of nights when he gets home I sit out on the couch and just sit. Watch the news or stare. Last night I just stared off into space and would glance at him every once in awhile. Admiring him. His strength, his courage. I told him I was sorry. I feel sorry he has to go through this. He said, "I was made to do this". He was created to go through this with me. There is no one more perfectly suited to walk me through this. I love him so much. My kids were made to go through this. No, wait, they were given the strength to go through this. God has equipped my family to go through this. I just need to tap into that strength. My goal, today is to put some moose meat in a crockpot. Hmmm. I now I'm getting better if I'm thinking differently about food. Water? still a bit of an issue. I have a Gatorade I'm working on. Only made it about 1/2 though a 16 oz bottle of water yesterday and one Gatorade. A full bottle of water sitting here. Thinking about a watermelon slushie. Something for fluids. One step, one step, one step. Last night I asked Bill about Hawaii, what it's like in Dec/ Jan. Is it warm? "70's, It's always in the 70's". I cry a little to think I'll be there in a few months walking at night on the beach, holding Bill's hand. I'll appreciate it. I'll truely appreciate it. I also think of all the things I want to let go of, claustrophobia, bad television, things that are negative energy and that do me no good. I want to plan a trip to the East Coast next spring or fall. I miss my sister-in-law something fierce and I have some cousins I would like to meet. I want to move to Minto next summer for a few weeks. Ahh, so many plans, I must be getting better. All in God's plans though. I don't want to overstep them. He knows best. He knows best. I had a dream about my mom the other night. She talked. How long has it been since I've heard her voice. She was calm and soothing. I had another dream about her and my uncle last night. Then a dream in which I was fighting for my brother. I love to look closely at dreams, hear what God is saying. In my dream with my mom last night I keep telling her of things I wanted to do but, "in the meantime". She said "You keep saying in the meantime..." Then I knew I had to get up and do something, because THIS is the meantime. I looked in an old building, the old community hall, dogs were being housed there and I was so upset. She said "So and so fixed it up". She was finding the good. Find the good. Okay, a little bit of me today my ups and downs. Keep me in your prayers today...and in the meantime, I'll do the same. Love you, love me, love you, love me.

Hurts, Tired, Just go away

I don't want to have a crappy attitude. But I do. I'm tired. Physically, mentally, emotionally. I am somehow fighting it though. I think about how important it is to stay positive and to keep that thinking up. I never ever thought eating every 1-2 hours could be such a pain. But this poison is EATING up the cancer. I WILL NOT LET THIS CANCER TAKE ME. My kids are with my sister today for her birthday, I am missing the little get-together. I am sad. It's quiet here and a little too lonely. I had such a great week before the last round. Water. Water is another hard thing to swallow. I just don't like the taste of it, blech. To be honest, I'm not drinking it. I had a gatorade earlier. Water intake has been good all week. Today is Tuesday. Five days out from chemo, no wait 6 days out. Coming out of it tomorrow? Can't think about tomorrow. Yesterday? Two days ago? I mentioned to Bill that I was feeling jealous. Jealous of everyone who has little complaints. The sun's not shining. I miss my husband. I don't know what to cook for dinner. My rants. I'm sorry to rant. Everyone's got their problems. I respect that, I guess I'm just feeling sorry for myself. Ohh, normal. To be normal again. Will I ever, EVER be normal again? Maybe, maybe not. I'm going to hold on to God's UNCHANGING hand. It's all I've got at this point. He doesn't change, God doesn't change. I can hold on to that. I look at the clock every hour I count down until Bill gets home. I can somehow rest when he's here. Rest? I can feel, feel, loved. Held. He does so much for me, just being here. My kids are another. I love to hear them here, the laughter from the TV or the video game. The bickering, the microwave. Sounds I love and yet can sometimes do without. We're about an hour from Bill coming home. Elizabeth will be with him. My little Lelly. Keep me in your prayers folks. Love you, love me, love you, love me